BREAK STUFF

(I wrote this blog April 5th, 2012)

I truly love CityTeam.  I have been here for ten days.  We do great work here.  There are great guys here.  We are addicts.  I have to remember that.  Day nine was my most challenging to date.  It started at 6:00AM and was a challenge until I fell asleep which was probably after midnight.

Let me put it this way - space in my head is not for rent!  I am trying to own my part.  I am trying to understand that we are all sick.  There are a few people here that are here for different reasons than me.  I am learning that.  They are in life where they are in life.  I do care about them.  I do pray for them.

Our behaviors and actions is what ultimately makes us addicts.  I am doing all I can to not practice old addict behaviors.  I am not perfect.  I make mistakes.  I am here to get clean - forever.  I mean that.  I pray that's what all of us manage to do.  The truth is, probably less than 5% will. 

This program has only been around since 2004.  It appears from the graduate photos on the wall that there have been about 150 graduates.  Since I have been here, two of them have died.  One was hit by a train yesterday.  This is a serious disease.

If I didn't have enough things on my mind, I just recently saw Susan.  She had our dog, Phil in her arms.  He was attacked by another dog while she was out of town last Friday.  That was hard for me to see for so many reasons.  He might lose his eye.  He looked so pathetic.

I'm here to enjoy myself, but I am not here to play games.  I'm  here to be an honest person.  I've not always been able to be that way - because I am an addict.  My addiction created a hurricane of lies.  Some people here are not using, but they are still in their addictive behaviors.  This is hard for me.  It's hard enough to deal with the addictive personalities, but when my stuff starts to disappear, this frustrates me.

I do believe in Karma to some degree.  I figure if Susan had to be with an addict for 20 plus years, I'll have to be with 20 plus addicts for a year.  At least they're not using.  Many of them are in fact working a good program of recovery.

A couple of days ago I was allowed to go to the pawn shop to get out my iPod.  It cost $36.00 of my Monthy $59.00 GA check.  It's the first time I've done something half way responsible with my GA check.

The good thing about GA is that when a person goes back to work, they have to pay it back.  (I'm not sure if this is true.  It's what I believed at the time I wrote this.  Someone had told me that, but I think they meant it will come for your Social Security.  Actually, I guess if I collect it someday, I will have to pay it back.  If I do, I plan for it to be when I am old!  I'll pay back the universe somehow.)   Paying back is something I hope to do for the rest of my life to Susan, Society and The Universe.

The thing that started this "frustration" for me was a couple of days ago, Person A told me he was going to leave the program in a few weeks when he got his check.  That's not what we sign up for, but I wasn't about to break his confidence in me.  I hoped he may change his mind.  The next day, Person B and Person C were talking.  Person B said to Person C, "Person A will not be here much longer.  Person C said, "really".  Big mouth me who was concerned said, "That's what he told me."  I just assumed he was telling everyone. He wasn't. Person B has just been here long enough to know.  I can see it in others already too, but I'm trying not to make assumptions, even when I know!  

The next day, Person C went to Person A and said, "Dave told me you were leaving."  Well, yesterday morning, Person A asked me, "Why did you tell person C I was leaving."  I told him, "Person B said that."  Knowing I shouldn't have opened my big mouth.   Person A said, "I never told Person B, Person C told me you told him!"  I said, "I did.  I'm really sorry, I didn't realize."  I assume Person C was just being honest and perhaps concerned. I told him I'm not like that and he could trust me.  The truth is however, if your not going to be honest about your intentions - don't tell me.  If you need to come to me in confidence to let me know your struggling with not staying, make that clear.  I'll won't tell!  I come from a world where snitching gets you killed.  That's not where I am.  Don't come here with your own agenda, and put your crap on me!  This has to be an HONEST program.

I actually did not write the previous two paragraph until just now, May 26th, 2012.  Person A and B are gone unfortunately.  Person C has since offered to apologize to me.  I told him that was not necessary.

I am not a violent person.  The only time I have ever hit another human being is on the football field.  I must admit, it did feel good.  It was legal.  I don't even raise my voice.  I'm learning that I do speak a lot and a lot faster when I am frustrated.  I think people think I am being aggressive.  They tell me my veins pop out in my neck.  I'm sure they do.  To me, I am being passionate.  I usually hold things in too long.  I rarely lash out.  I lash in.  The most destructive form of lashing in involves a syringe.  

I was so grateful to have my iPod this morning at 4:00 in the morning when my mind was racing.  I didn't want to be up, but, as usual, I couldn't sleep.  I needed some heavy music.  Susan had the iPod last, so the heaviest thing on there was Foo Fighters - that worked.  Foo Fighters have honest, and inspirational lyrics about a Universe I can relate to.  The songs that ended up on Charlie and the Hot Chocolate Kids, just made since when I got to writing about that part of that blog.  After some of my anger was relieved, I listened to Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg!  

I am trying not to use bad language in this blog or when I speak.  I know I'm in a Christian program, but I come from where I come from.  My neighbor always says, "If I didn't curse, I'd be a saint."   I don't want to feel anger, but it is a natural emotion and I need an outlet.  What I really wanted to hear was Limp Bizkit.  (It's on my iPod now.)  With that said, Fred Durst says it best.  It's best loud.

Its just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sux
You don't really know why
But you want justify
Rippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
It's just one of those days!!

Its all about the he says she says bullshit
I think you better quit
Lettin' shit slip
Or you'll be leavin with a fat lip
Its all about the he says she says bullshit
I think you better quit talkin that shit

Its just one of those days
Feelin' like a freight train
First one to complain
Leaves with a blood stain
Damn right I'm a maniac
You better watch your back
Cuz I'm fuckin' up your program
And if your stuck up
You just lucked up
Next in line to get fucked up
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
Its just one of those days!!

Its all about the he says she says bullshit
I think you better quit
Lettin' shit slip
Or you'll be leavin with a fat lip
Its all about the he says she says bullshit
I think you better quit talkin that shit
Punk, so come and get it

I feel like shit
My suggestion is to keep your distance cuz right now im dangerous
We've all felt like shit
And been treated like shit
All those motherfuckers that want to step up
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your ass raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break somethin' tonight...
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your ass raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break somethin' tonight...
I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your ass raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break your fuckin' face tonight!!
Give me somethin' to break
Give me somethin' to break
Just give me somethin' to break
How bout your fuckin' face
I hope you know I pack a chain saw, what!!...
A chain saw, what!!...
A motherfucking chain saw, what!!...
So come and get it

Its all about the he says she says bullshit
I think you better quit
Lettin' shit slip
Or you'll be leavin with a fat lip
Its all about the he says she says bullshit
I think you better quit talkin that shit
Punk, so come and get it

Now that that's out, I would like to add something about these guys.  I do love them.  For as difficult addicts are to be with, we can also be fun to be with.  Most of us started using at a young age.  We never really matured.   We coped with emotions that most people mature from by using.  While this is frustrating to be around, it can also be fun to be around.

One of the guys here from Texas is nuts!  Let's call him Tex.  His accent kind of reminds me of my Kentucky families accent.  While it's southern, it's definitely different.  Maybe it's more about the way he acts.  He lived in a hole in the ground in Golden Gate Park for nine years.  He also likes to crawl around on his hands and knees and act like a dog.  He sounds just like one when he barks and whines.  It's really messed up! (Not all of my Kentucky family act this way!)

Just before our first class, Tex drew these two crazy looking eyes on post it notes and stuck them over his eyes.  He made sure he had his head turned when the staff member walked in to teach the class.

The staff member spent a long time erasing the board, so the anticipation was of course building.  When she turned around, the look on her face was priceless!  I think the funnies part about it was how all of us "grown" men burst into laughter over something so childish!

The staff member said, "You guys need help."  She's right about that!  At the end of the class, she said something more important.  She said, "If you guys are stressing out about something, don't react.  Don't let on bad decision ruin the rest of your life."  She's right about that too.