(I wrote this blog April 6th, 2012)
I said in my last blog, Break Stuff, that day nine was the hardest day here for me. So far, day twelve - Good Friday has been harder.
There's this surfer guy from L.A. here who reminds me a lot of myself. (Not the surfer part.) He's been here for six months. He has also been very supportive. He's an artist. He paints.
His girlfriend who he has been dating for eight years reminds me of Susan. She is co-dependent. She really cares about him. She was just here a couple of days ago meeting with the director of CityTeam, Jonathon, about her co-dependency.
The surfer guy is a huge baseball fan. He's, of course, a Dodgers fan, but somehow also likes the Giant's. He's just a really big baseball fan. He has been looking forward to today, opening day, for a long time. He was just telling me the other day how he was looking forward to taking his girlfriend to a Giants game this year - clean. We were supposed to practice softball today.
She got hit by a car this morning. I guess things don't look good. This tore him apart. It's really affected the whole house. It's really affected me too.
She got hit by a car this morning. I guess things don't look good. This tore him apart. It's really affected the whole house. It's really affected me too.
I worry a lot about Susan. In fact, just yesterday I was thinking about what I would do if something happened to her. Part of the reason I came to rehab was so I could at least cope with our not being together and be able to handle the day she leaves San Francisco.
Unfortunately my crutch since I have been here has been cigarettes. I had quit smoking for five years until a year ago when I started to become homeless. I just really didn't care about anything. I don't smoke much. I only smoke about three or four a day, but that's three or four too many. Today was the day I was quitting. I woke up and did a bunch of push ups, situps and curls.
After we found out what happened, I really started stressing out. I saw how hard it was on him. That was hard to see. I also internalized it. I don't really want to get into it now, but while in my meth psychosis state, Susan died on me more than once in my "parallel universe". Once, after learning this, I ran to Palo Alto - forty miles south of San Francisco. (I think I wrote about this after I wrote this blog in a previous blog. It may be a blog of its own some day.) The voices have warned me of many things that have come true. The voices warned me for Susan's safety. I was "Fucking with the wrong people." They were going to "Fuck with my family!" I really don't want to get into all that insanity, but I really do worry about her.
Now that I am clean and she hasn't been helping me (which inadvertently helped me use sometimes - the voices didn't like that.) I'm not so worried about that darkness anymore. In fact, at times, even when I was caught up in my addiction, I was glad not to be around her - for her. I still worry about her day to day safety. This is a big city. Susan, like so many people here - runs, rides her bike.... That always worried me. I guess it still does. When we used to ride together, I liked to ride behind her and slightly to her left.
I hated the way I felt this morning when my heart was pounding and I was pacing back and forth. The most insane thing about it is, feeling that way in the past usually led me to using. Luckily it was recreation time right after we found out about the accident. We went to the rec center down the street. I ran two miles on the treadmill with my Foo Fighters music playing. It was a healthy escape.
I have only been here for twelve days and I already feel pretty close to these guys. The guys really surrounded him when he found out. Some also went with him to the ICU.
I also thought about how Susan must have felt when she found me dying and I was in the ICU and how she used to worry about me when I was away. Now I want a cigarette! Ahhh!
It's a tough day, but I've been praying a lot. Even though it's a harder day than a few days ago when I was stressing out, I do feel better about things for some reason. Maybe sadness and sympathy are better feelings than stress and frustration.
7:30 PM
It's been a long day. The AM dishwasher wasn't around for his job so I did it. Then I did my job - PM dishes. This includes dishes for the guys in the house and our guests. If we weren't in class, I was either helping cook or doing dishes - all day.
Right as I got done, there was a guy laying out front who just got stabbed. I know the guy. He's in the wrong business. I've been out there long enough to know who to avoid. He's not of the best character. He was actually once one of the evil voices in my head I wrote about earlier. I only ran to Millbrae that time. He was with an evil gang. I was "Fucking with the wrong people."
I was never interested in his product line. I stayed in the hotel he stays once. That's when that all began. He has since told me in person that I was messing up his business by being near his corner. I was the wrong skin color and I was going to attract the police.
Again, I'm not really ready to write about that one. I may never be.
It might be Karma. It might be that he has simply chosen the wrong profession. Maybe he'll find a new occupation. I have been and will continue to pray that he'll be okay. Maybe it will change his life for the better.
The cops did catch the guy who stabbed him. I think the cops were just in the right place at the right time, because they had the guy on the next corner. They weren't even with the guy who got stabbed yet, but somehow already had stopped the guy who supposedly stabbed him. Perhaps he was running - I don't know.
I remember standing outside with a guy last night and noticed, "It's a full moon." That always seems to matter here. I'm tired.
8:30 PM
The man from LA who suffered the tragedy this morning just returned. We're praying for a miracle. I didn't know the words to say, but we spent about a half hour alone together. I've had a lot of loss in my life. I didn't really know her, but I have learned that she is a beautiful, kind and creative soul. She was also an artist - a painter.
His emotions were very similar to ones I have felt with loss. I feel really close to this man I have know for twelve days. I hope I can be there for him no matter what the outcome. I told him about a paragraph I had just read in this book I have to read for a book report - The Purpose Drive Life. It read:
Because God made you for a reason, he also decided when you would be born and how long you would live. He planned the days of your life in advance, choosing the exact time of your birth and death. The Bible says, "You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your book.
It's been a hard day. I'll leave it to a San Francisco band to sum up how I feel:
When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
'Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't dance before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
'Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
To see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by
And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
There you are to show me
When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
After we found out what happened, I really started stressing out. I saw how hard it was on him. That was hard to see. I also internalized it. I don't really want to get into it now, but while in my meth psychosis state, Susan died on me more than once in my "parallel universe". Once, after learning this, I ran to Palo Alto - forty miles south of San Francisco. (I think I wrote about this after I wrote this blog in a previous blog. It may be a blog of its own some day.) The voices have warned me of many things that have come true. The voices warned me for Susan's safety. I was "Fucking with the wrong people." They were going to "Fuck with my family!" I really don't want to get into all that insanity, but I really do worry about her.
Now that I am clean and she hasn't been helping me (which inadvertently helped me use sometimes - the voices didn't like that.) I'm not so worried about that darkness anymore. In fact, at times, even when I was caught up in my addiction, I was glad not to be around her - for her. I still worry about her day to day safety. This is a big city. Susan, like so many people here - runs, rides her bike.... That always worried me. I guess it still does. When we used to ride together, I liked to ride behind her and slightly to her left.
I hated the way I felt this morning when my heart was pounding and I was pacing back and forth. The most insane thing about it is, feeling that way in the past usually led me to using. Luckily it was recreation time right after we found out about the accident. We went to the rec center down the street. I ran two miles on the treadmill with my Foo Fighters music playing. It was a healthy escape.
I have only been here for twelve days and I already feel pretty close to these guys. The guys really surrounded him when he found out. Some also went with him to the ICU.
I also thought about how Susan must have felt when she found me dying and I was in the ICU and how she used to worry about me when I was away. Now I want a cigarette! Ahhh!
It's a tough day, but I've been praying a lot. Even though it's a harder day than a few days ago when I was stressing out, I do feel better about things for some reason. Maybe sadness and sympathy are better feelings than stress and frustration.
7:30 PM
It's been a long day. The AM dishwasher wasn't around for his job so I did it. Then I did my job - PM dishes. This includes dishes for the guys in the house and our guests. If we weren't in class, I was either helping cook or doing dishes - all day.
Right as I got done, there was a guy laying out front who just got stabbed. I know the guy. He's in the wrong business. I've been out there long enough to know who to avoid. He's not of the best character. He was actually once one of the evil voices in my head I wrote about earlier. I only ran to Millbrae that time. He was with an evil gang. I was "Fucking with the wrong people."
I was never interested in his product line. I stayed in the hotel he stays once. That's when that all began. He has since told me in person that I was messing up his business by being near his corner. I was the wrong skin color and I was going to attract the police.
Again, I'm not really ready to write about that one. I may never be.
It might be Karma. It might be that he has simply chosen the wrong profession. Maybe he'll find a new occupation. I have been and will continue to pray that he'll be okay. Maybe it will change his life for the better.
The cops did catch the guy who stabbed him. I think the cops were just in the right place at the right time, because they had the guy on the next corner. They weren't even with the guy who got stabbed yet, but somehow already had stopped the guy who supposedly stabbed him. Perhaps he was running - I don't know.
I remember standing outside with a guy last night and noticed, "It's a full moon." That always seems to matter here. I'm tired.
8:30 PM
The man from LA who suffered the tragedy this morning just returned. We're praying for a miracle. I didn't know the words to say, but we spent about a half hour alone together. I've had a lot of loss in my life. I didn't really know her, but I have learned that she is a beautiful, kind and creative soul. She was also an artist - a painter.
His emotions were very similar to ones I have felt with loss. I feel really close to this man I have know for twelve days. I hope I can be there for him no matter what the outcome. I told him about a paragraph I had just read in this book I have to read for a book report - The Purpose Drive Life. It read:
Because God made you for a reason, he also decided when you would be born and how long you would live. He planned the days of your life in advance, choosing the exact time of your birth and death. The Bible says, "You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your book.
It's been a hard day. I'll leave it to a San Francisco band to sum up how I feel:
When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
'Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't dance before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
'Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
To see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by
And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
There you are to show me
When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
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