Drive - New York Groove

I need to make this a pretty quick blog.  Readership seems to be up again, but I think some people have to go back to my last blog more than once to finish it so that's probably why.  I'm not sure why I even care really?

I know some good friends have told me it helps them and that's all that really matters.  I'm clean.  I know I can credit this blog for some of that actually - and President Obama.  I try not to be too political, but Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog endorses President Obama.  That should put him over the top.  It was seeing him one morning that I decided I should write about that fact and this blog was reborn.  I think my tackling the God subject is enough for people so I try to stay away from politics.

I was talking to my friend - the one I said that I like it when she says "Geez".  We were discussing how I write about God.  I was saying how I don't want to be preachy.  She is very hippie like in her ways and actually kind of thinks of things more along the lines of an Eastern Philosophy.   Also, she is probably the most environmentally conscious person I have ever met.  She makes Susan look like the Exxon Valdez and that says a lot!

She's probably too young to even know what the Exxon Valdez is!  I'm getting back at her for calling me an "old fart" after I told her my favorite movie was Casablanca.  Hey, it's about World War II, Good vs. evil and it's a classic!  Kids these days!  She's been a good friend.

I had a point here.  Oh yeah, we were chatting on the computer the other day and she said, "Thank Buddha!".  I thought that was clever and perfect for her.  Whatever works!  So later, I said, "Thank Me!"  She said, "Oh Geez!"

Poor Susan get's her name smeared all over this blog.  What's the point here?  I wanted to write about something.  That first sentence seems counter productive. 

I've been hanging out at this bar lately.  I do so to watch sports.  I haven't drank in ten years and it doesn't even appeal to me.  I really just needed ESPN.  The Bearcat's beating Pitt was awesome.  Peyton beating the Squealers was awesome.  Monday Night Football made me want to drink.  Not really, but it sucked.  It's a really mellow bar and I got a burrito from next door and a diet coke from the bar and sat at a table.  Drinking alcohol doesn't appeal to me at all anymore.  I am an alcoholic and can never drink again, but it is no where near my drug of choice.  It was probably my first drug of choice however.   Some would say I shouldn't be hanging out in bars.  It is definitely more like a bar than Brainwash.  

I'll probably watch Bengals games at Jillian's if I move to Chinatown.  Or, actually, there is this bar called the Bus Stop in The Marina that Bengals fans go to and bring food, so I'll probably go there.  The Marina is way to nice for it to be a real bar.  Yeah right.  In fact, isn't that the bar that all those cops got busted at for fighting or something like that a few years ago? 

I met some really cool people at this recent bar.  One guy was from the "hood" right next to the one I grew up in Cincinnati. He was from Indian Hill.  Jerry Garcia's wife lived in Indian Hill.  Jerry lived there for while too.  It's said he used to shop at Madeira Kroger's.  Indian Hill is frequently voted one of th top "neighborhoods" in the country.  It's all mansions.  Loveland - not so many.  There were a lot of Bengals fans at that bar.  I guess everybody likes an underdog.  Then, there was the drunk girl at the other end of the bar who made lots of eye contact and smiled a lot.  There's where I might need to be careful.

I ran (literally) back to where I was staying on Sunday night -  by myself of course.  I started feeling kind of lonely.  I even felt a little worried about my health.  I guess it was because I had all those tests scheduled for Monday.  I had my headphones set on the radio - KFOG as usual.  I was really contemplating the reality of my health and being alone and as KFOG often does, it played a song that just kind of summed up how I happened to be feeling at that particular moment.

Who's gonna tell you when,
It's too late,
Who's gonna tell you things,
Aren't so great.

You can't go on, thinkin',
Nothings' wrong, but bye,
Who's gonna drive you home,
Tonight.?

Who's gonna pick you up,
When You fall?
Who's gonna hang it up,
When you call?

Who's gonna pay attention,
To your dreams?
And who's gonna plug their ears,
When you scream?

You can't go on, thinkin'
Nothings wrong,
Who's gonna drive you home, tonight?

(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)

Who's gonna hold you down,
When you shake?
Who's gonna come around,
When you break?

You can't go on, thinkin',
Nothin's wrong,
Who's gonna drive you home, tonight? 

Oh, you know you can't go on, thinkin',
Nothin's wrong,
Who's gonna drive you home, tonight?

(bye baby)
(bye baby)
(bye baby)

Addiction can be such a lonely self-pitying disease.  Not that I don't have some reason to feel a little lonely.  I had someone who was there for me for so many years evertime I fell.  I never wanted to fall and I don't ever want to fall again.  It also had me thinking about my health.  I guess I do have some valid reasons to be concerned.   When I reached the peak of the hill, I did something I hadn't really done for a while.  I broke down.  I realized as I had my hands on my knees and my head down, I was staring at one of those messages in the sidewalk.

For reference sake, this is the top of the hill.  The message was on the sidewalk to the left.  And now you know.

This message pretty much reminded me what I had already decided and wrote about in my last blog earlier that day - to live and love life.  Enjoy every single moment.  It also presented that bigger word on the right - Revolution.  It's a big word that starts in small places, but that's probably a blog unto itself.

I haven't gotten all my tests back, but I'm pretty sure it's not heart issues.  I'll find out more on the 21st.  I spent about 4 hours at SF General on Monday getting lots of tests.  The best part was the X-Ray part.  She was hot!  It was also interesting to me.  It was kind of like she set me up for portrait photos.  I, of course, told her this.  I liked her touching me.  Hey, I told you I was lonely.  I'm just being silly really.  It was cool.  She had to take so many X-Rays.  She also had to physically move my body into so many different positions.  That's exactly what I was thinking.   Seriously though, these weird positions caused my spine to open up so they could all parts of it in the X-rays.  It was interesting.  It took her about and hour to take them all.

I could have bought a CD with the X-rays on it for $10, but I knew money was tight.  She let me look at them all however. They were cool.  So was she really.  She said she loved what she did and it really showed.  It's nice to be around people like that.

Another thing that reminded me to be grateful while at SF General was two of my fellow patients sitting next to me.  They were both in shackles and hand cuffs.  One was a juvenile.  He was a big kid!  When my hot x-ray tech told me I could sit down while she got things ready, the only seat open was next to him so she quietly said to me, "if you want to."  She was cute.  I really have no problem with guys like this.  I felt sorry for the kid especially.  I do believe justice occurs one way or another.  I was just glad I wasn't the one wearing hand cuffs. 

As far as people like my nice x-ray tech, I really do just like people.  I probably annoy some people, but I try not to.   I'm pretty happy these days really.  I think we actually hit it off nicely.  Her personality matched mine.  ....falling - In Love!  

I'm still on an emotional roller coaster, but even when I get sad I remember to be grateful.  And when I get happy, I usually get sad.  See how messed up I am.  I'm getting better.  How can't I be grateful and happy for every waking moment I get to exist?  At the same time, how can't I be sad for losing the person who I still believe in many ways to be my soul mate the way I lost her.  Sometimes when I do feel happy, I feel guilty. Knowing it's over makes it feel like a bigger loss, but at the same time, I know I can let go.  Or, I try to anyway.  I guess it's just mourning the loss of relationship.  I do feel that she will be happy and this makes me happy. Just to be sure, I just text her:  "Are u happy?"  She instantly text me back, "Are you being silly?"  This made me laugh.  I don't know even what I'm being sometimes or what she means.  I'm not being silly though.  I know one thing.  I'm back!

So much is lost in text and chat and probably even my writing.  I can't even explain how funny our text conversation got.  Basically, I ended up calling her a whore and she asked if I was drunk.  I was laughing so hard.  I was really serious when I sent the first text asking her if she was happy.  But she thought I was making a joke about her response to this photo of a black cocker spaniel that lives here that I text her or something, I don't even really know.  She said something about "a black cocker" and I knew what she meant but, she thought I was teasing her because my "Are u happy?" question came way after the text about her now having"a black cocker" and had nothing to do with and....wow this really went south.  We always made each other laugh. I still haven't gotten a straight answer out of her, but I think she's going to be happy.  Apparently she also has "a black cocker" where she lives and she thought I was asking if it made her happy.

Okay, that was probably all very inappropriate.  

(She finally called about a half hour later and we kind of straightened it all out.  Text conversations can be confusing.  She said, "That was such a deep question for a text."  And, it came after she commented on the black cocker.  I'll stop digging.  I think she'll be happy.  It is complicated.)

Now where was I?  Perhaps it's what am I?  I'm back!  Life really is returning.  Sometimes I don't even understand my emotions.  It's like happiness feels sad.  I don't get it.  I am grateful.  I got something today I never thought I'd have again not all that long ago.  I figured I'd be dead or homeless.

I am going to start work tomorrow.  Now I'm having one of those confusing emotions.  There is more to it than just tears of happiness too.  My street artist life always involved Susan.  It's back to loneliness and sadness.  Happiness and gratitude far outweigh those feelings however.

I really got just enough to get back everything I need.  About a month ago, I got $1000.00 (It came from our deposit nine years ago, so I guess it was kind of mine since I did work back then.  Still I know I owe Susan more than that!).  It was to help me get back on my feet. Today, I bought my last item to get back on my feet.  My check book balance  - $1.02!  I'm working on a tight margin here!  I'll start making money tomorrow.  I have to pay my cell phone bill of $40.oo by Thursday.  I hope I make $40.00 the next two days!  I have faith it's all going to work out because it will.

And all that health stuff - I'll be fine.  If my MRSA becomes an infection - I'll beat it.  If I die.  I die.  With all that in mind,  I thought about just how beautiful my day was all day.  I had to go to the State Board of Equalization (which is in a cool highrise), The Civic Center (which is beautiful building), The Arts Commission (which is in a beautiful building) and I also met this nice little Hispanic family who sold  me their cart I'm going to use to push my display from my new storage unit to Justin Herman Plaza.  Then I went to FoodsCo and bought some groceries for lunch.  I still get $141.00 worth of food stamps per month.  I am very grateful for that. 

All these good things are happening!  I got my street artists license back.  I'm going to have at least one photo displayed at SOMA Arts this weekend.  I'm in a band!  I'm probably in the best shape of my life.  I'm even helping my friend make a movie!  Life is really, really good.  Thank Allah or Buddah or God or Me!  Probably not me!  Well I did have to do the footwork, but it really has everything to do with God.  That I am sure of.

So I was feeling pretty good today riding by bike all over this beautiful City on this beautiful day.  I mean it was perfect.  I was also thinking about my other favorite city today - New York City.  We all knew New York would come back after 9/11.  Susan emailed me some photos I took back in 98.  They are photos of photos and they were emailed to me so they are not great images.  I hope I can find the negatives.  It was cool to see these photos from one of our many New York trips.  

I forgot to charge my mp3 player last night so everyone I passed today had to suffer through my singing the song that was stuck in my head all day.  I'm not a big KISS fan, but I always loved this one.  And, I love that Ace Frehley sings it.

Many years since I was here, on the street I was passin' my time away
To the left and to the right, buildings towering to the sky
It's outta sight in the dead of night
Here I am, again in this city, with a fistful of dollars
And baby, you'd better believe

Chorus:
I'm back, back in the New York Groove
I'm back, back in the New York Groove
I'm back, back in the New York Groove
Back in the New York Groove, in the New York Groove

In the back of my Cadillac
A wicked lady, sittin' by my side, sayin' 'Where are we?'
Stop at Third and Forty-three, exit to the night
It's gonna be ecstacy, this place was meant for me

Feels so good tonight, who cares about tomorrow
So baby, you'd better believe

Chorus

I'm back, back in the New York Groove (repeats out)