Batman - Under the Bridge

I was going to write. Then, I wasn't going to write. Then, I decided I needed to take care of some of my work, which I did. Then, I went to see if I could run into my new friend, lets call her Erotic Russia. I guess I'm back to nicknames. Can they really hurt?

I'm having trouble typing this. I was so excited to write about all the good things that have been happening in my life. I decided I would start using nicknames again because I have met so many new cool people the past few days and I thought they all deserved cool nicknames. I also thought this might keep this blog less confusing. Most of them happen to be women – go figure. Good looking women – go figure. Is there a woman of any other type of woman in this city? Not really.

I went to that program I was in for a recovery meeting tonight (9/17). I'm going to call that program Soul Assistance. There is a reason of course. Even more than the obvious. It was written in this blog months ago. I'm pretty sure I wrote about it in Charlie and the Hot Chocolate Kids. Basically, the night before I decided to see if Soul Assistance would take me into the program, I found a book called Soul Assistance and inside the cover was the actual name of the program. Seeing this was my sign to try to get into the program - of course. I'm so glad I did. This actually happened six months ago. I know this because I have six months clean today. That's pretty amazing. I wish I were happier today.

My friend died. I'm so tired of people dying. I loved this guy. He gave me so much hope in people. He spent some of his life in prison. I remember when they let him back into Soul Assistance. I didn't yet know him, but some guys in the program said he was a real hot head and I learned he got kicked out before for fighting. At the time there were some hot heads in the program who were constantly giving me grief so I thought, “Oh great, just what we need – another hot head.” I still tried not to pass any type of judgment based on what I had heard of him or his past. I'd rather form my own opinion and even if it were true, which in some ways it was, people can change. Even I felt like a hot head in that program sometimes. I had to put up for myself sometimes.

That man was one of the kindest, gentlest souls to me I had ever met. He always called me “brother.” His wife left him because of his drinking at some point in his life. There were some who were sympathetic to what I was going through, but no one like him. He always caught me when I was stuck in my head and would call out from across the room asking, “Are you alright brother?” He always let me know he knew how I felt and that he was there for me and that he loved me.

You get close to people when your fighting to get out of hell together. He was so many good things. He lost to this fucking darkness of addiction. It pisses me off.

He had strong beliefs. For him it was Jesus. I have faith that this is a good thing for him. I've talked about people bothering me with their, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” talk, (I'm sorry Jesus.) but, not this guy. This guy was real.  He really tried to be "Christ-like".  This guy was honest – even about his brokenness.  I believe that is exactly why he changed so much – honesty. I admire him a lot.

I could tell lots of good stories about this kind man. The first time we actually hung out, he was still on restriction but was allowed to walk with me to post this flier at YWAM (I'm just going to use their name – They really saved my life!). We were walking and I was talking – of course. He said, “You talk a lot brother.” I thought, “Oh great.”  I do.  (I talk a lot less these days by the way)  So I, of course, said nothing. A few minutes later he said, “Now you're not going to say anything are you.” We both laughed. It was the beginning of a good friendship.

I also remember the last time I saw him. He had relapsed and was of course exited and would not be getting another chance. I wasn't there when It happened, (I was probably at Brainwash) but, I heard the event had a little drama to it.  Don't our relapses always? I was upset that he would not be there anymore. The next day, he was sitting in the alley halfway between Soul Assistance and Susan's (not everyone goes by nickname I guess). He had no way to get home to San Jose. I asked Susan for $5.00 to get him on a train. She of course agreed to help as that angel of a woman always did. I made him promise me he would get on that train to get to his family. He did promise and I'm pretty sure he did. I hugged him and told him to take care of himself, get clean and come visit - knowing I may never see him again. I can still see his smile.

It is what it is.

I have another friend from Soul Assistance who's not doing so well and I'm worried about him. I talked to him today because I'm his neighbor now (He lives about two blocks away). There is hope for this kid. San Francisco is no joke for people like us. I have told him this and told him this. I think he's learning this now. For people who have taken it as far as we have, it is life or death. Literally.  Even when we are alive we are not really living.  I will try to make a difference in this young mans life. He made one in mine. He spoke of his using out of loneliness. I get that. Especially now that I have my own place. (I'll get to that.) Addiction can be such a lonely disease – especially when we got and drove away the ones who loved us. Many have loved me recently. For that I am grateful.

While at Soul Assistance tonight, I learned another graduate took his own life. I hate to sound selfish, but at least I didn't actually know him personally. Addiction is a dark disease.

I have my own place now! I have six months clean today. I live on Broadway in North Beach. North Beach is a really cool neighborhood. It is San Francisco's Little Italy and I am also a block away from Chinatown. It's going to be interesting for me to live on the street I do. I live above The Garden of Eden. 

“They say the neon lights are bright, on Broadway!”

How ironic is that. While it was probably more about this blog than anything it was my taking a bite of that "forbidden fruit" that is what really got the ball rolling for me to get exited from that Christian program. It was my decision to be with My Little Dark Angel (I changed her nickname. I actually like Dark Angels.) that led to the other chain of events that led me to where I am today – Shangri-La?

I have to finish this tomorrow. I'm tired. I think I'll sleep naked – because I can. Too much information? You have no idea what's it's like to have privacy after a year and and half of living on the street or with people. You'd probably want to sleep naked too. Perhaps I'm inspired to do so by all the strip clubs and Exotic Russia's photos. I met another photographer in North Beach last night. I thought about writing earlier but decided I should look for her instead. I found her.

I'll write about her tomorrow. I'm going to bed – clean again! 6 months clean! Thank you God. Now I feel like I need to keep my clothes on.

(TWO DAYS LATER - 9/19)

So it's Wednesday now. I'm at the laundry mat. I love my new neighborhood. I live at the corner of Columbus and Broadway. Columbus and Broadway is where Chinatown ends and North Beach begins. North Beach is San Francisco's Little Italy. If it wasn't obvious from the above photos, I live in the red light district. I was never really in to going to strip clubs. There is a private theater around corner I used to go into to shoot up I guess. They also have booths with live women, but they were more expensive and I couldn't shoot up in them. I sometimes went into them afterward. There were much cheaper places in my old hood. I rarely made it over here. It's very touristy. I still felt a little pull into that place the other day. It has a lot to do with that drug.

Where to begin? I guess I'll start with my work. It's good. Not great, but good. Times are slow, but I'll make it. I'll have some good days. I will keep my life simple. I love what I do. I also get great exercise pushing my heavy cart about a mile everyday. It's hard. I'm so glad I I did all that running and exercising the past few months while at Soul Assistance. It makes doing what I have to do today possible. And, I get to get stronger! I'm trying to be a superhero you know! I like Batman - he's dark.

Like I said, last week was pretty good. I had quite a few friends visit me already! The person who has showed up for me over and over is my friend who I am making the film with, lets call him Richard because that's his name. When I called and ask him about a nickname, he said, just use my name. Wow, that makes sense. Not for everyone I guess. Richard has fed me, let me stay with him, helped me move a few times, found my new cart, given me things I really need, he was my first customer, and he ask me to help him with that cool film project!

Then there was my new friend, I'm just going to call her hippie chick for now, because that's what she is. She was my first customer to ever pay me in sand dollars!  Actually, I ask her for some sand dollars. She is a professional beach comber. She has the coolest collections. My friend Good Fella from Soul Assistance ask me the other day if I knew where to get a sand dollar. I did! Hippie Chick had said she would stop and visit me someday so I made her a deal. One of my photos for some sand dollars. She brought lots of cool sand dollars and even some crystals she mined. Somewhere in San Francisco she manages to mine crystals! She said she'd take me but she'd have to blind fold me. Sounds like fun! I love the photo she bought for herself with the sand dollars!  It was perfect for her!

Saturday was my best day. I even sold something from online to my Fun Friend. She is so nice. She even made me lunch when I delivered her photo to her on Sunday. I met here at Brainwash a couple of months ago. I'm looking for a new Brainwash.  Saturday, one of the new street artists ask me if I would trade him my photo of the tagged Muni bus for a shirt. He knew I loved his shirts! He has so many cool ones, but I had to pick this one!

This is the photo I traded.

I made my best money on Saturday as usual. I got myself a new place on Sunday. The landlord said he only has it for 3 to 4 weeks but that seems to be the game they play to feel you out. After 29 days your on rent control.  I will be a good tenant. I think once he sees that, I'm in. I like my little room a lot. It feels so nice to have my own place. Actually, living above strip joints keeps the street kind of sane because the bouncers don't put up with any crap. They are very friendly too. So are the strippers. One asked if I would photograph her and then told me I had a cute butt. I bet she says that to all the guys.  I told her I lived upstairs! There will be some punks here on the weekends raising hell. I've seen it in the past. I kind of avoided this area because of that when tweaking. Overall, it is really a cool neighborhood.

My little castle!

North Beach, being San Francisco's little Italy, has a lot of Italian restaurants and cafe's. It is also the neighborhood where the Beatniks first started hanging out. Right across the street is the Beatnik museum. The Beatniks were the precursor to hippies. They hung out at my favorite book store – City Lights Books. North Beach is also right next door to the Financial District. I'm pretty sure there is a high rise ordinance in the neighborhood because the high rises just kind of begin two blocks from here. They start with my second favorite high rise in the world!

After work Saturday I went to that art event at SOMA Arts. My work didn't end up on display mainly because of timing I think, but it was a great event. One of my two awesome career coaches hooked me up to get in. I'm not against paying, but at the time, I was broke and was trying to get a place.

I think I made a new friend – Sarah Jessica Parker. Guess who she looks like? She was even Sarah Jessica Parker for Halloween one time. She makes a good one. She said she wore the outfit Sarah Jessica Parker wore at the beginning of Sex in the City. The too-too dress. She was fun to talk to. She really was nice. She is Richards neighbor. They both live by the Roxie Theater. I told her about how he and I were going to make a documentary film and how his original film will be showing at the Roxie in December. She suggested we go together. Would that be a date? Oh I hope so! Either way, she's cool. My male career coach, Oh hell, his name is Dale ( now that were using names – hope this okay Dale), asked me “We're you hitting on her?” in his Singaporean accent. My answer, “Of course.” I mean she does look like Sarah Jessica Parker. He then said, “Don't you have issues?” My answer, “Yes.” Yes, but this is different. It is. I guess I've become flirtatious, but I do make a lot of friends that way – which is what really matters. If that's what I am even being. I don't even know really. I really just love people and it's okay to make friends!

The best part about all that – whatever it was, was the whole time we talked, the director of Soul Assistance was sitting right next to us. That sounds - not so nice.  Actually, it was very nice to see the man I called Grace. I do love that guy. We got to tell each other we loved each other and I told him I'd like to volunteer there some day. I also got to meet his beautiful wife. I just thought it to be ironic that I was chatting it up with this good looking blond most of the time – two if you count my other career coach Anna! Don't worry, I know she's my career coach. It's not like that. I'm not hitting on everyone, I promise! I just like to give credit where credit is do. She is a cute person and she is really sweet too.  She has really inspired me!

I was kind of flirting with this woman the other night.  I'll call her Desperate Housewife. I think I was flirting. I wasn't even sure. She is hot. But I learned she's married. I will always respect that once I learn that. Well, maybe not if I was shooting up but I didn't have much respect for anything when I did that - including my own marriage. I will always be clean from now on though – so I will be a man of respect!

Desperate Housewife and I had a blast together for about an hour, maybe more – talking. Actually, we spent a lot of time laughing. She was such a trip. I ran into her on Market Street. I was dragging my suitcase with a broken wheel Sunday night while moving to my new place and we started talking. She helped me drag it to California Street where we would eventually have to split ways. Her and I hung out and talked for about an hour outside of Bank of America headquarters with the Occupy people. She was from Myrtle Beach. She had four kids and a really good husband back home. She was a lot like me. Perhaps that's why we hit it off. She said she'd read my blog. She also said she would have dumped me a long time ago if she were my wife! I liked her. She was spunky. She was also a runner. We compared stomachs – neither of us were satisfied with our own. Hers looked fine to me. I love a good stomach.  Does that matter?  I love meeting people like that more.

I must add that this really good looking girl told me just now at the laundry mat. “I love the shirt.” Da da da da da da da da...... Oh wait, I haven't gotten to that part yet have I? I think I told half the story. I'm wearing my new batman shirt.  (I wore it again last night (9/22) and got compliments from 3 good looking girls!  It is a cool shirt.  I wonder why I keep wearing it?)

I was looking for my new “Brainwash” and found Adler's Museum Cafe. It's a little more bar like, but I had been in there years ago and remembered there being art. The other night I was bored and a little lonely and I wondered in there. That's where I met Erotic Russia. She is a photographer who sells photos of the strippers in the neighborhood.  I'm not sure if she used to be one or not. Her photos are behind the scenes photos. They are actually pretty interesting. What I saw was a struggling artist – no more. Yeah right. That is in fact what she is. So I helped her. I gave her all my old photo mattes for her photos. The really look good with the mattes. I hope it helps her sell some. (I saw her the next night and she sold one. The one with her in it. I kind of liked that one too.) She is struggling to come up with rent for the hostel every night. I did tell her if she ever didn't come up with the money, she could stay with me – on the floor of course.  (Hey I'm nice, but I want my bed!)  She's actually trying to get back to Moscow. She's nice, but I really just want to help her out. She's fun to talk to. I love it when she doesn't understand one of my words and she ask, “What iz dis (INSERT WORD HERE)?”

My friend Gina, who I guess I'll continue to call Gina is always trying to be the voice of reason to me. She's pretty good at it too – party pooper! I'm just teasing – she does give good advice when I go astray in lady department. She's actually been a really good friend to me through all this insanity of mine over the years, but especially lately. And, she doesn't seem to judge me for my messed up ways. She does says, “Oh Geez” a lot! She's the one who said, “Sex could lead to drugs, drugs could lead to death!” It sure sounds less fun that way.

So when I text her that I had six months clean on Monday, She said, “Your a super hero!” I loved that of course! It went straight to my head. That's what I'm shooting for. In fact, the other night, when I was feeeeeling loooonlely” Poor thing. I went to Adler's Museum Cafe to see if Erotic Russia was there – she was. She's always there. Right as I walked in the door with my batman shirt on the batman song came on the jukebox! I felt way to cool to be me. It made me laugh. I'm such a dork really.

 

So last night I went to my favorite recovery meeting and collected my 6 month chip.

I was looking forward to picking up that chip from that meeting. I did feel like a super hero! I've been the secretary of that meeting for the past few weeks because the secretary has been away. Perhaps I'll be the permanent secretary someday! I'd like that. Now that I have six months clean, that is possible. I have never stayed clean this long since I was twelve years old. Prior to this, 4 months was all I could ever get.

Normally, we'd have band practice but right before I walked out the door to that meeting, I heard on KFOG that the Red Hot Chili Peppers were playing at the Civic Center for free. If you were part of the Saleforce conference at Moscone Center you could get closer, but I got pretty close for free. Plus they had these big screens and a great sound system. The Civic Center looked so cool! And, I ran into four of my friends from Soul Assistance and we hung out during most of it! I ran into Good Fella, James Dean, Hip Hop and Mellow (That's a new nickname).

The Civic Center looked really cool.  They also projected them live onto it!

These shots were on the big screens.

These were not on the big screens.

I can't remember if I gave my friend from Soul Assistance who died a nickname. He really was a big part of my recovery. He is a really good soul. His name is Timothy. That many deserves credit for being a good soul.  I'll never forget seeing him on street that day. I knew exactly how he felt which is why wanted to help him get to his family. 

Hearing the Chile Peppers play Under the Bridge, the other night, hanging out with my friends and losing my friend helped remind me to never go back to that sickness.   I had this song in my head wondering alone around the streets of San Francisco many times. I've spent a lot of time "drawing some blood" under some bridges.  I still feel this way sometimes, but at least I'm clean.  Addiction is such a lonely disease.

Sometimes I feel
Like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel
Like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of Angels
Lonely as I am
Together we cry

I drive on her streets
'Cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills
'Cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds and
She kisses me windy and
I never worry
Now that is a lie

I don't ever wanna feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way
I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all that way (yeah yeah yeah)

It's hard to believe
That there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe
That I'm all alone
At least I have her love
The city she loves me

Lonely as I am
Together we cry

I don't ever wanna feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way
I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way (yeah yeah yeah)
Ooh no (no no yeah yeah)
Love me I say yeah yeah

Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge "
I could not get enough
Under the bridge "
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge "
I gave my life away (yeah yeah yeah)
Ooh no (no no yeah yeah)
Here I stay yeah yeah

Here I stay...

(9/21)

I was going to end it there, but since I'm sitting at my place waiting for...I don't even know what really, I'll write a little more. My last couple of days have been kind of hard at times. I made nothing yesterday. NOTHING! That's only the second time that's ever happened – EVER! And, Tuesday sucked too. I think I made $22.00! Two bad days in a row are hard to take. It will be okay though. I have faith in that. It just does that sometimes. It's still hard. I thought to myself, “Well, at least it can't get any worse than today”. Now why would I be so stupid as to think such a thing? I broke one of my tables while packing up. It got worse!

Also, I couldn't work on Friday, because I thought I had a doctors appointment to get all those test results back. I thought it was at 11:30. It turns out it's next Wednesday – the day I take off anyway because it's so slow! I still had to get my things from friends home at Bernal Heights though – especially my printer. We were unable to get together on Wednesday as we had originally tried to plan. 

I borrowed my friends car while she was in school to get the last of my things. I ran it out of gas! I didn't even think to look. Bicycles don't take gas. It's now sitting around the corner. At least I got it parked at a meter this close, but there are no gas stations for a long way. It's basically sitting downtown. Sitting in standstill crosstown traffic for 45 minutes probably didn't help, but I really didn't think to look! 

At least I had my camera....

We'll figure it out. Anything I can do to make life just a little harder! I am laughing about all this by the way. What else can I do at this point? Shooting up crossed my mind a few times recently, but that won't happen. I know this.

I did get a constellation prize this morning. Since I thought I had a doctors appointment at 11:30, I decided I'd take a bike ride this morning to see if I could get a good shot of this:

That's a money maker. I wanted to see the last shuttle take off back in 2011. I talked of planning this when I was clean in 2010 when I believed I would remain that way. I have a lot of friends and family in Florida and thought that would be a nice trip and a cool thing to see – and photograph I guess. Obviously, that never happened. I always wanted to see the shuttle ride piggy back on that 747 also. I never dreamed I would. I didn't even know they still transported it that way. I guess they did so because they are putting it on display in a museum in Southern California.

While out there this morning, I realized I had not been out by the Golden Gate Bridge for over six months – since back when I was using out there all the time. The sounds of the waves, the sounds of the seagulls and the smells triggered me quite a bit. It really made me want to get high. That kind of sucked, but I was glad I got to create a new memory.  I'll have to create them one at a time!  I don't want that area to remain tainted by that darkness for me. All this recent stress and having my own place has also triggered me some. The addict in my says, “You know how to make EVERTHING feel good. You got your own place, money...” I'd lose everything I've worked so hard to get – fast! Including my sanity and possibly my life. I love my little palace here. I don't want to lose it. I won't. Life is too good right now. I'm so grateful. It's not like I won't ever have thoughts and cravings. It's how I handle them that count.

AND, I would have never seen that amazing sight I saw this morning. It sent chills down my spine and brought tears to my eyes. I was so grateful to be alive and to have six months clean. It was a beautiful morning. Thank You God. I mean that.

SHUTTLE

(9/23)

Okay I need to end this and at least catch the last half of the Bengals game.  I got a busy day ahead!  I just wanted to add that yesterday was such a great day.  Out of 150 street artists, I drew my lucky number 7 in the lottery yesterday.  This means I got a great space.  I printed as many shuttle photos as possible the night before.  I was sold out by noon and even took some orders to mail to people!  Erotic Russia even came to visit me.

As long as I continue to work hard and have faith, everything will be okay.  Even making honest mistakes when I'm trying trying to do the right thing pay off!  Yesterday gave me lots of hope.  I even scaled down my display to one table which lightened my load a little and definitely simplified things a bit for me.  Everything will work out.  My life is kind of hard, but nothing feels better than reaping the rewards from hard work.  The rewards are coming.  I am so grateful to be alive.