"Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal." These are the words inscribed on the back of both of my parents tombstones which sit side by side. They were both amazing people, however, both did their fare share of apologizing. I remember my dad always apologizing to me for not being the father he wished he were to me. I always told him he didn't need to apologize to me that he was a good dad. He was. For years I apologized to Susan for not being the husband I should have been. I still do sometimes. She always tells me I'm a good person and to stop apologizing. If anyone should understand the way she feels, it's me. My dad would have been 65 today. I just left he and my mothers gravestones. I am grateful to be in Cincinnati and to be alive. I am alive. That is amazing. My parents both struggled with addiction. I believe that if both would have stopped using, they would have lived longer lives. Over the years, I have believed that I was partly responsible for both of there deaths. I don't want to tell the details and I know that is not really the case, yet while I was at their gravestones, I spent most of the time apologizing to them. Not only for not being more to them when they needed me, but also for what I ultimately became. I never blame them for anything. I guess I shouldn't blame myself either. Still, I am responsible for my recovery. Things are what they are. I am very grateful to be spending time with my brothers and my stepmother. My dad always asked me to stick with my stepmother and two younger adopted brothers if something ever happened to him. I have - when I am clean. The person I become when I am using is nothing to be proud of. I disappear. The person I am when I am not using is a much better person who sees my adopted little brothers as brothers and my stepmother as a mother. That is what they are. We ARE family. People hear my story and constantly tell me "You're a miracle." and "You're here for a reason." I'm nothing special, but it is all of those amazing words of encouragement that make me want to make a difference somehow. After all, that's what this blog is about. What I really want to be is something special to all of those who have done so much for me. I want to be a great family member to all of my relatives. I haven't always been. Actually, I'd be happy to be something to anyone or everyone! It has been three years since I have been to my parents graves. So much has changed since I last visited that sight. I was pretty emotional tonight. I heard voices in my head telling me that my parents will always love me and care about me. I can't see how anyone could care about the person I become when I use. It's sick. Still, the voices told me that my parents do love me and want me to move on with my life. I do have so much to be grateful for. My parents were Good, loving people. I really have no idea how it all works, but I know there is something. I also believe that if I remain a Good person, I may even get to somehow be with my parents again some day - in a Good way. I would be so grateful for that. For now, I am grateful to be alive. So often the Universe finds ways to communicate a message to me. Music touches my soul in so many ways. It finds ways to communicate with me so often. Right after visiting my parents graves, I got into my little brothers car I have been driving and Carry On My Wayward Son came on the radio as soon as I started it up. Again, I don't know how it all works, but I know there is no such thing as coincidence. Or, as Albert Einstein put it, "Coincidence is Gods way of staying anonymous."
Carry on my wayward son There'll be peace when you are done Lay your weary head to rest Don't you cry no more
Once I rose above the noise and confusion Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion I was soaring ever higher But I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man Though my mind could think I still was a mad man I hear the voices when I'm dreaming I can hear them say
Carry on my wayward son There'll be peace when you are done Lay your weary head to rest Don't you cry no more
Masquerading as a man with a reason My charade is the event of the season And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean I set a course for winds of fortune But I hear the voices say
Carry on my wayward son There'll be peace when you are done Lay your weary head to rest Don't you cry no more
Carry on, you will always remember Carry on, nothing equals the splendor Now your life's no longer empty But surely heaven waits for you
Carry on my wayward son There'll be peace when you are done Lay your weary head to rest Don't you cry (don't you cry no more)
"This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone."
-Taylor Caldwell
I know this to be True. With that said, I hope and pray my war is over. Battling my addiction has been nothing but a war. I have lost many battles, but the final outcome will ultimately decide the war. I won a recent one. I actually managed to stop using so I could come home for the holidays. I am so grateful to be here.
I have already seen so many people that I have not seen for years. I even got to go to a Bengals game. It was a great game. They beat the Vikings 42 to 14 and would end up winning the AFC North after Baltimore lost later that day. Next Sunday, I'll get to go watch them beat Baltimore. I hope. I believe!
Overall it was a great weekend. My youngest brother was with me. We spent the weekend visiting my oldest brother and his family up in Richmond, Indiana. We went through a Christmas lights show in a Civil War cemetery. We shopped at an Amish grocery store. We also visited the towns museum that my brothers wife works. I enjoyed the rural atmosphere. Actually, Richmond itself is a little city. It was very prominent in its early 1900's hay day. Much of this area was. Well, I was just trying to upload some photos onto this blog but could not. I've been having trouble uploading photos anywhere online from this laptop. I can possibly blame my relapse. After shooting crystal meth, I like to watch internet porn. It's usually doing things like that which allow bad things to attach to computers.
Did I mention what a war I'm in. I know it sounds ridiculous to call shooting speed and watching internet porn a war, but for me it really is. Or, I should say, it always becomes one. When the devil becomes involved, it's more than a war. For me it is eternity verses "never ending". I don't really want to go there with this blog. It was suppose to be a good thing. It's was always suppose to become that. It still is. I have to win this war of mine. If it matters to one other person besides me then I've truly won. I know it matters to others, but if somehow, someone makes better, more Godly choices, then the war has been won. Please trust my insanity. I believe it is in too may ways, reality. Where was I? We went to the Game. I got some great photos of the game and of people tailgating and of downtown Cincinnati. It's a beautiful old city. I do love it. The politics are hard for me, but over all things are heading in the right direction. The streetcar that Cincinnati's idiot mayor tried to derail is back on track. Ohio's idiot Governor had already hurt it by cutting half of its budget. This derailed it's uptown route that I believe is integral to it's ultimate success. At least it's getting built.
Another great thing occurred. A Cincinnati Federal judged ruled that Ohio's ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional. It focuses more on death certificate status, but it reaches into the actual ban itself. I'm not good at reciting what I read, but it's good. Some of the most amazing people I know in San Francisco are men married to men. I mean that. They deserve every right all of us have when it comes to marriage.
How'd I go there? Actually, I used to be very political before I got so lost in my addiction. Before I started fighting my war. I don't think I'll be as political, but when it comes to human beings rights to be the loving human beings they are, I can't help it. I truly believe God backs me on this one. Actually, God is to people what God is to people. I believe as long as we are Good, that's what matters most to God. I have gay friends who are the most Godly people I know. I promise you that.
It's so good to be home for Christmas. I love my family. I really do. I love my friends. I really do. I was so depressed on the plane ride here. I've pretty much overcome that - thanks to all of these amazing, kind and loving people in this beautiful city of Cincinnati and Richmond. The politicians have a right to be who they are too. Their level of success makes them pretty good people. I can't help but to care about everyone in some way.
I'm trying to organize a gathering somewhere. I really would like to see so many. I would also like to thank so many who put together and attended my fundraiser back in February. It really blew me away that so many people cared so much about someone like me. Actually, it still does. I have already seen a few of my amazing friends. I want to see them all.
Ironically, it will likely be at a bar. It seems to be the only type of place that is big enough to gather so many I want to see. I'm trying to work out the details now. I'd like to state that I am an alcoholic who really doesn't want to drink. I have absolutely no desire to. I haven't drank in 10 years. Alcohol was the gateway drug to just about all other drugs I have used. It turned me into a garbage can for drugs. However, once I got to the lust of my life, IV crystal meth, I was cured of all my addictions - including alcohol. The problem with that cure is it is worse than all other drugs I used combined - for me.
I had a really sweet friend who was one of the many to assist in the fundraiser post something about my being here and a gathering. She personally asked me if a bar would be bad thing and I basically told her what you just read. She ended up taking down the Facebook posting because people were questioning her about having it at a bar - for me. I appreciated everything she did for me. I always have. I appreciate everyone's concern too. I do understand. Actually, I worry more about my alcoholic friends getting drunk than me! Now I'm confused. It has to be somewhere! If alcohol is a problem for you, come visit me at my families house. Please. Okay.
I do look forward to seeing so many. I look forward to going to the next and last Bengals game with my other two brothers and an old friend in town from Washington DC. It's been years since I've seen him. It's been 3 years since I have been home. I can pretty much guarantee this Christmas will be better than my last two.
A couple years ago, I spent today, Christmas Eve, panhandling as much money as I could so I could do a huge hit so it would seem Christmas never happened. Being Christmas Eve, people were very generous. I then went out to my private beach cove by the Golden Gate Bridge and pretty much accomplished my goal. It was so sick. It is the lust of my life though.
Last year was even worse. In some ways, the day itself, was actually better. I do love how I feel when I shoot that evil drug. That's just the truth. The better part was not how I felt, but what I did. I attended a recovery meeting. Everyone there let me know how I have been driving them insane for so many years because they can hear my insane voice and all the other voices in their head every time I use. Over the years, I have used a lot.
I hate to say it, but I'd rather have the euphoric high by The Golden Gate Bridge than deal with the insanity that ALWAYS follows. That's my problem. What I must know is it will always lead me to the voices and basically, hell on earth. It's so real to me. I think in some ways, it's real to everyone - somewhere, somehow. I just hope it's not actually real in this Universe. Wow. That would be so. I'm sorry if so. Wow. This Universe is so complicated. I am certain of this.
I'll be spending Christmas with my family. I will soon see all of the people who really do mean so much to me - still. It's so important I be grateful for all I have. I need to love my loved ones.
Thank you for helping me win my last battle. Thank you everyone. Thank you God. I hope and pray my War is Over. Happy XMas.
So this is Xmas And what have you done Another year over And a new one just begun And so this is Xmas I hope you have fun The near and the dear one The old and the young
A very Merry Xmas And a happy New Year Let's hope it's a good one Without any fear
And so this is Xmas (war is over) For weak and for strong (if you want it) For rich and the poor ones (war is over) The world is so wrong (if you want it) And so happy Xmas (war is over) For black and for white (if you want it) For yellow and red ones (war is over) Let's stop all the fight (now)
A very Merry Xmas And a happy New Year Let's hope it's a good one Without any fear
And so this is Xmas (war is over) And what have we done (if you want it) Another year over (war is over) A new one just begun (if you want it) And so happy Xmas (war is over) We hope you have fun (if you want it) The near and the dear one (war is over) The old and the young (now)
A very Merry Xmas And a happy New Year Let's hope it's a good one Without any fear
"Sometimes the things we can't change, end up changing us instead."
-Unknown Hearing voices changed me. I can't change that. I'll never forget when they first started. They freaked me out so much. One of the first characters to show up was the devil himself. I never heard from him again, until the end of last year.
The first time the devil introduced himself to me, Susan and I were about to go to L.A. to see one of the last tapings of The Price is Right with Bob Barker. Susan loved Bob Barker and his animal rights ways.
Before we left, the devil was behind our building. I had set up a webcam looking down behind our apartment because I believed people were out there. After I started hearing his voice, I could see him standing behind our building on the computer screen. He was surrounded by beautiful, scantily clad women. He kept telling me to "come on down." He wanted me to give him my soul.
The devil tried to get me to "come on down" and bow down to him. If I did, I would "get to serve high in hell." Also, I would be able to do whatever I wanted for the rest of my life and no one would have to know. Serving high in hell sure didn't sound too appealing. And, even though I was not being a Good person, I figured I'd be better off trying to be with God someday. I said, "No. I would take my chances with God." The devil said I would end up in hell either way. I still refused. That devil may have been right. I hope and believe I have time to change all that still.
Eventually, I thought the voices were real people - on my roof. I begged them not to bother anyone but me. Susan had done nothing wrong. The knew I had. They had seen me do unthinkable things. It was only me they claimed to be after. I told Susan they were on our roof. I begged Susan to get the car and pull it to the front door so I could run into it and we could leave for L.A. I was telling her people were on our roof. She thought I was crazy, but she did pull the car up to the front door for me. As soon as I jumped in the car and we were about to pull away, something actually dropped onto the roof of our car - obviously from our roof. I said, "See?" She began to believe that perhaps I wasn't crazy.
The devil was in my head all the way there. I'll never forget as we got out of San Francisco radio station range, we were going up and down hills. Every time we went up, an uplifting song, I can't remember what it was, tuned in on the radio. Every time we went down, AC/DC's Highway to Hell tuned in on the radio. It was a long ride to Southern California. We went to Joshua Tree first. It is in the middle of the desert. We went straight to Skull Rock. The devil, of course, told me that it was him. A few days later, we did get to see one of the last Price is Right tapings with Bob Barker. Like so many things, my use had tainted it. Every time I heard them say "Come on down", well....
The early days of hearing voices were so insane. I had no idea where they were coming from. I still don't. Eventually, it would be my friends and families voices that I would here. They were trying to help me. I know that somehow, they are real. However, eventually, I would determine that it was all from my drug use and would not want to believe they were real, even when I could still here them. I would get so depressed after shooting that drug. It depletes the brain of all "happy" chemicals. My only "answer" was using again. The voices don't really exist in the early lustful, euphoric hours after I do a hit. I still lust for that rush. It feels sooo good. It's orgasmic. That doesn't mean I can do it. Actually, it means I shouldn't.
Before I relapsed this last time, the voices were getting louder. Not nearly as loud as after I use, but louder than normal. I don't mind them. I think someone like me needs them. I think they have the right to turn on me when I relapse or even think about it. They get dark because of my behavior. I did hear the devils voice this last time. I think I need to realize that he'll always be around if I use again. He is so creepy. I do not blame the devil for my actions. I do sometimes believe that evil never gives up on someone like me. I know, however, that God doesn't. That matters the most.
Things were really dark this last time. Enough so, that I don't want to use again - for now. I will want to. I just have to believe and understand that. I am an addict. Based on my track record, I will use again. I can't even believe I ever would. Especially if I have a chance of going to a "never ending" hell - and I believe I do. That is where I was heading if my suicide attempt would have been successful. If I ever had reason to never use again, it was this time. I've always had a lot to lose and I have used and lost it.
I give God credit for my receiving more chances. So many times! I hope I have not taken advantage of God's love. I think I have. No matter what, God wins. I'm sure of that. I just want to be with God.
I'm not sure I will. If I'm not, I want as many people as possible to be. I do care about people. I have no idea how it all works, but I know there is a God and I know God loves us all. God does not love our wrong doings. God should be what God is to everyone - whatever that is. The one thing I know it has to be for everyone is Good Orderly Direction. That's the part I have struggled with because I am an addict.
I write this blog because I want to share all that I have learned. It's confusing, but I tell The Truth so people believe in me. I'm not insane. The voices subtly encourage me when I have been clean for a while. When I consider using, they get hard on me - as they should.
People who have cared about me think that my being okay with hearing voices is not okay. I understand what they mean, but I have learned to accept them. When I told Susan I didn't want to take medication to get rid of the voices, she asked, "Oh, you'd be lonely with out them." It's not really like that but, kind of. Actually, I have been taking an antipsychotic medication for them recently and the voices are very quiet. I do kind of miss them. Yesterday, I saw a commercial on television that if people have taken the medication I am taking and grown female breast to call them. As sick as I am, that would probably turn me on and feed my addiction. I'm pretty sick, huh? I just love.... Stop!
It's so important I don't use for so many reasons. Having my own beautiful apartment in a high rise building, not having to be in an institution or not having to be homeless are the obvious ones. Caring about all that's been done for me by so many amazing people matters to me even more. Caring about the real possibility of my going to a "never ending" hell means the most - to me, on a selfish level.
Caring about young people matters to me too. I know I don't have that many young readers. Perhaps I shouldn't. People have told me they read this to their children. That encourages me. I guess I should be less...whatever I am. Actually I should be "less" whatever I become and then I will be less...whatever I am. I think I'm referring to the sexual addiction that arises from my use. That's nothing to be proud of - I promise you that.
I'm not sure kids believe in someone like me, but if it matters to just one - that matters. Basically, young men out there should not want to grow female breasts - unless they want to be female that is. I don't. I just love.... Stop!Addiction can go so wrong. Please don't start using. If one has started, now is a great time to stop. Asking for help is a great thing. We hit bottom when we stop digging - I'm told. Actually, I do know this is true. I just keep digging. Stop. Please. 30 years of hardcore digging has nearly put me in a "never ending" hell.
Caring about anyone trying to overcome addiction to anything is another reason why I write this. That and I want people to know that there is a God. Whatever that means. It just is. God is the answer to addiction is what I actually mean.
This blog matters to me. Susan and I are still good friends. She tells me this blog feeds my ego. Maybe. However, this blog matters because I believe it helps me stay clean. Some even disagree with that. The Truth about that belief is nothing has really helped me stay clean. God has always been with me and still, I choose to leave God. Ultimately, that beautiful gift God gave us called "Free Will" is why I go to hell on earth and may go to a "never ending" hell. I believe that's what may happen to someone that knows God exists and continues in his bad ways. God also loves us enough to give us so many chances. Believing helps.
This blog matters because I want it to help others. I know that when I disappear, it does matter. Or, I guess, I matter. For that, I'm grateful. People start looking for me. People send the police to check on me. My blog readership increases so much after I do things like relapse, nearly die or try to kill myself. I like increased readership but not like that! I disappear because I end up being high for days without eating, drinking or sleeping. I also disappear for so long because I just don't know how to tell people that I did something I believed I'd never do again. It's always that way. This time - I CAN'T USE AGAIN! I mean that. I always mean that.
The reason this blog matters to me is it is suppose to, first and foremost, matter to God. I believe it will no matter what it means for me. I just hope it will ultimately help it mean something Good for me. I think it will matter most if that is the outcome.
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed Get along with the voices inside of my head You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
[Verse 1 - Eminem:] I wanted the fame, but not the cover of Newsweek Oh, well, guess beggars can't be choosey Wanted to receive attention for my music Wanted to be left alone in public. Excuse me For wanting my cake and eat it too, and wanting it both ways Fame made me a balloon 'cause my ego inflated When I blew; see, but it was confusing 'Cause all I wanted to do is be the Bruce Lee of loose leaf Abused ink, used it as a tool when I blew steam (wooh!) Hit the lottery, oh wee With what I gave up to get was bittersweet It was like winning a used me Ironic 'cause I think I'm getting so huge I need a shrink I'm beginning to lose sleep: one sheep, two sheep Going cuckoo and cooky as Kool Keith But I'm actually weirder than you think 'Cause I'm
[Hook - Rihanna:] I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed Get along with the voices inside of my head You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
Well, that's nothing Well, that's nothing
[Verse 2 - Eminem:] No, I ain't much of a poet but I know somebody once told me To seize the moment and don't squander it 'Cause you never know when it all could be over tomorrow So I keep conjuring, sometimes I wonder where these thoughts spawn from (Yeah, ponder it, do you want this? It's no wonder you're losing your mind, the way it wanders) Yo-lo-lo-lo-yee-whoo I think you've been wandering off down yonder And stumbled onto Jeff VanVonderen 'Cause I need an interventionist To intervene between me and this monster And save me from myself and all this conflict 'Cause the very thing that I love's killing me and I can't conquer it My OCD is conking me in the head Keep knocking, nobody's home, I'm sleepwalking I'm just relaying what the voice in my head's saying Don't shoot the messenger, I'm just friends with the
[Hook - Rihanna:] I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed Get along with the voices inside of my head You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
Well, that's nothing Well, that's nothing
[Verse 3: Eminem] Call me crazy, but I had this vision One day that I'd walk amongst you a regular civilian But until then drums get killed and I'm coming straight at MCs, blood get spilled and I Take it back to the days that I get on a Dre track Give every kid who got played that Pumped up feeling and shit to say back To the kids who played 'em I ain't here to save the fucking children But if one kid out of a hundred million Who are going through a struggle feels and then relates that's great It's payback, Russell Wilson falling way back In the draft, turn nothing into something, still can make that Straw into gold chump, I will spin Rumpelstiltskin in a haystack Maybe I need a straight jacket, face facts I am nuts for real, but I'm okay with that It's nothing, I'm still friends with the
[Hook - Rihanna:] I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed Get along with the voices inside of my head You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy [x2]
"You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It wont happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.”
-Joel Osteen
I love Joel Osteen. A few years ago Susan was in Boston and he was there signing one of his books. She waited in line for 2 hours to get one signed for me. It meant so much to me. It still does. My addiction has caused me to lose so much that matters to me.
Just before I left Wally World, some important things were stolen from me. My phone which helped me stay connected and keep my appointments. Also, a very important recovery book written for the 12 step recovery program I choose to be a part of was stolen. My Recovery Bible that my aunt and uncle bought me also disappeared. These things were stolen just hours before I left as I was packing my things to leave. Dark things can add to dark things. They didn't have to. I had actually already chosen to make those things something Good for me. We can do that. It was certainly not those things being stolen that sent me over the edge. My bad decision just made those bad decisions by someone else worse.
I had already had another important 12 step recovery book that focused on recovery from alcohol disappear. It was my dads. It's loss came from one of my bad decisions to relapse on another one of my many addictions - sex. It's a long story that doesn't need to be retold. That book mattered to me. It had his handwritten notes in it. Doing the wrong thing ultimately caused me to lose it. It was my quick exit from the program I was in as a result of my "relapse" that caused me to leave it behind.
I do still have my mothers Bible. It matters the most. It still has her handwritten notes in it too. I'm realizing that no "material" things matters that much, but sometimes certain memories attached to them will. I also still have that Joel Osteen book.
I knew I was Falling Slowly back into my old ways a couple of months ago. I could feel it coming on. I talked to a lot of people about it. I wrote about it. I could have done more. Ultimately, I could have chosen not to use. The choice will always be mine. I proved to myself that I could make it through cravings without using in a place in which I could not use. As soon as I got on my own, I made the wrong choice. My new place is a place that I cannot use. I need to always know this. It's important that I choose not to do so. Now that I got it out of the way, I don't want to use again. This doesn't mean that I won't want to use again someday. I now know this. If I ever had reason to never use again, it was before my last use.
I looked so forward to so many things that I still have. I did lose a very important thing about 3 years ago - a 22 year relationship with someone who did so much for me including save my life. I'm not sure I even want or deserve another relationship. I think I just want some of the benefits that come with it and that's not really okay. Actually, it would seem more than okay - for me. It would seem good. I consider myself a lonesome loaner. I love people, but I want to be on my own. It's important I be with people. Even if a relationship were somehow possible for me, I pretty much ended it's possibility by using. Recovery groups suggest we wait a year until we get involved in one. I was almost there. Again, I'm not sure I really want a relationship. I may just want something I am addicted to in many ways. I do want more, but.... Maybe not. I get confused. I have my own place. I'm sure I'll seek out that natural addiction as a result. I just hope it doesn't lead me to the nightmare addiction that always causes me to seek it out. Or, at least make it a solo act. It's important I don't allow my very big mistake to get the best of me. It's up to me. I make my own choices. I must choose to do things that will help me live as close to "normal" of a life that is possible for a hardcore addict like me. I just want my own beautiful high rise apartment where I can get up an make coffee and leave my guitar sitting on the guitar stand without worrying it, my phone or my books will disappear. I want a roof over my head. I want to see the Golden Gate Bridge every morning as I drink my coffee on my 26th floor porch.
All of these things are still possible, if I make the right choices. I have suffered enough and warred with myself, it's time that I won. I chose to stop using and come home. That was a great choice. Being with my family and friends isn't what I thought it would be but it is a very good thing. It's actually even better than it should or would have been in many ways. People have been so nice to me about everything. Many, especially back in San Francisco have been 'hard' on me about it too. No harder than I deserve. It's hard love. So many know how serious it is for me to use and they are just being caring and honest. Some of my friends here were glad to see me but said they wanted to, "slap me upside the head." So many in Cincinnati want me to move here. I understand in many ways and months ago even considered it. However, wherever I go, I go with me. San Francisco is a great city for someone like me. And, it's so beautiful. I am a photographer. Cincinnati is a lot more beautiful than I remember too. It's cold! Snow is beautiful though. It's also slick and dangerous! I don't have a car and won't unless it makes sense for my being a street artist again someday. I'm afraid that may not be possible based on how the little moving things around I have done have felt on my back that is full of metal and screws.
Susan worked so hard to get people out of cars, into carpools, to take transit and choose to ride bicycles. Like my choice to be vegetarian because of her, I also chose to be a cyclist because of her. I still hope to be. I'll find out how possible that is when I get back. I'm sure it will be to some degree. Cycling is the best way to get around San Francisco. It's healthy too. And, my physical therapist said I could ride a bike. She said I could not run. I do miss that. I really was addicted to running! That addiction wasn't so bad. I loved getting that "runners high". I've really complicated matters to such a degree. Using only complicates matters so much more. Being homeless is hard. Being homeless in my physical condition would be detrimental. There are things I must do throughout the day that will ultimately keep me alive. I'll leave it at that. Being homeless would make doing these things hard. I didn't do them when I was using. It's so important I don't use if I don't want serious health issues to come about. They will too. I've been guaranteed that my a doctor. It's important I take care of myself. This blog is about me, but it is suppose to be about God. Using was a bad choice. I want this blog to help others. I want my writing to help others. It was starting to. I am a writer for Laguna Honda's Hospitals Newspaper, The Voice. The first article was about me and my journey through the hospital. The next one is about someone like me and his journey through the hospital. I was only 'away' for about 2 weeks, but those 2 weeks were important to me. I would have gone to the hospital to update his progress and photos for the article. I hope that when I get back, to pick up where I need to. I really was Falling Slowly. I knew it. I wrote in the last blog how I prayed to die. I knew that didn't make sense. I gave God so much credit for my living. I still do - even more so in some ways. I no longer pray to die and realize I am suppose to live to do Good. God can take bad things and make them Good. God is that amazing.
I can also give the amazing people at the hospitals and rehab that I was in a lot of credit for my life. I do believe God works through people. I intend to give back to those places still. It matters a lot to me. I'll never be able to repay the millions of dollars it cost to save me, so I have to help what matters the most to people - people.
-Ephesians 4:29 Let no evil talk come out of your mouths, but only what is useful for building up, as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.
I relapsed. That's The Truth. There is so much more to it. Even more than I expected - and I expected a lot. I complicated a complicated situation. I had so many reasons to never use again. More than I can even understand. And, still, I did. Odds are, I won't stay clean for the rest of my life. I've heard that addicts have about a 5% chance of staying clean. I'm one of the worst. This doesn't mean I ever want to use again. I don't. I have too much to lose. I always have had too much to lose and still, I've lost it. My life....
I'm alive. It's important that I know that. I'm so grateful to be home in Cincinnati with my family. My birthday was hard a couple days ago, but it sure beat the last few. I spent the night of my 40th birthday leaned up against a concrete post holding up the I-80 approach to The Bay Bridge with my pants down. I had diarrhea all night. This birthday was much better. I was with my family.
It was nice to feel loved. And, I'm too old to continue the insanity! I am "over-the-hill".
I appreciate so much that has been done for me by so many. I can't tell everyone how much I looked forward to seeing so many. I looked forward to having my dream come true by living in a high rise apartment in San Francisco. I didn't want to go insane and jump off the 26 floor I now live. I knew that wouldn't happen. However, I never thought I would walk 20 miles to a parking garage by The San Francisco Airport and jump either.
I do love my new place that I earned in such a hard way. It's important that my actions are grateful.
How could I spend all that time in a hospital and rehab and throw it all away. For the month approaching my "graduation", I had serious cravings. I talked about it. I prayed for it to be lifted. I prayed to die. I knew that was not something I should be praying for. God answered my prayers. Still, I have free will. It's a beautiful gift from God that could send me to hell. It all sounds so insane. It was.
I was so afraid I'd relapse and go to hell on earth and then to a "never ending" hell. Because of that fear, I begged God to take me. I figured dying being a decent person who had asked to be forgiven and believed in God beat dying while in hell on earth. The person I become is.... I can't understand it.
One day, about a week before I relapsed, I was praying to God that I die and wondered what I should do with such ridiculous feelings. I wandered if I should do something that always seems to help - write about it. How could I? I had been so grateful to be alive. Even I didn't understand. Then, I saw a message in the sidewalk telling me to "tell them all". I don't remember the exact words, but I knew what it meant. It meant I should "tell them" by writing about it. I took a photo of the message, but that phone would be stolen. Dark things add to dark things.
(9/25/15 - I finally found them)
The last time I relapsed and ended up in the hospital after trying to kill myself, I had written a blog in which I saw messages telling me "I had a story to tell" and "I had a song to share". I never posted that blog until after I used. I posted it in the first blog I wrote while in the hospital, Ocean Size. Using will always be wrong. Telling The Truth will always be right. I find it to be no accident that I received messages telling me to share The Truth - not use.
It's hard for me to explain. I wondered how I could possibly tell so many who did so much for "my life" that I wanted to die. How could I have said what I wanted to say, but felt it was so wrong.
After I got that message, I clearly remember the one written in the sidewalk that answered the question I had to "What was I to do after feeling so ridiculous about wanting to die?" God had simple answer. "Do Good." I wish I had those photos I took of those messages written in the sidewalk. It seems that "bad" took them. The answer was for me. I shouldn't have used. Perhaps I'll search for them when I get back to San Francisco. I know the area I was walking.
(9/25/15 - I finally found them)
Things would have been so different if I would have stayed clean. I must learn to get through such times. I must "do Good." Now, I want to live. I was so afraid before I used. It is important I live in faith, not fear. It's important I be brave. All's I have heard lately is this Top 40 song on a car commercial during football games telling me to do this. Music will always speak to us. Even Top 40 hits. Especially Top 40 hits - probably.
I have made things so complicated. Now, I want to live. Now, I understand, I was suppose to live. I have to live a Good life. I must. It is Gods Will. My will can be very twisted. If I died today, things will probably not be Good. If I would have died before I relapsed.... I was meant to live for Good. Dying wasn't going to happen. I can't kill myself. I must stay clean for the rest of my life. Using is killing myself in so many ways, even if I am alive. I disappear. So many seem to worry about me and Love me. This matters to me. I mean that. I can't use.
I've felt this way before and ended up using. I always do. I can't. I don't want to be a multimillion dollar waste of life who doesn't make it. It's so much more than that too. So many have done so much. It's amazing to me. I need to be a Good person. I need to be brave. -1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Disappearing from so many is so wrong. That dark side is so alluring to me. I risk it all. I had no idea what to say for so long now. Using was the only answer. I had to come home. I knew that was the answer. This blog matters to me. So much matters to me. It's important I say what I want to say.
I should have said it before using. It may have mattered. I can't stop saying what I need to say now. It's not really for me, yet it is. It's for us. It's for God. That matters more than I have ever been able to make sense of.
It is so important I do not return to that darkness and disappear. It's so important that I let the light in and I keep God in my heart. This all means so much more than I've ever been able to make sense of. Yet, it's important I don't make a huge deal of my mistake and that I move forward. I get so confused. It's important I say what I wanna say. I need to be honest and brave. I still want to see all of the many I love while I am in Cincinnati.
All of the dark insanity I went through was supposed to matter to others. Most of all, it's supposed to matter to me. My words were and are suppose to matter. They are to remain The Truth. I need to always say something. I can't disappear. That's obviously not a good thing. I'm just trying to say what I wanna say.
You can be amazing You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug You can be the outcast Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love Or you can start speaking up Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do And they settle ‘neath your skin Kept on the inside and no sunlight Sometimes a shadow wins But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down By the enemy Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing Bow down to the mighty Don’t run, stop holding your tongue Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live Maybe one of these days you can let the light in Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Innocence, your history of silence Won’t do you any good Did you think it would? Let your words be anything but empty Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you I just wanna see you I just wanna see you.
