I hate being nothing to no one. That is what I become every time I use. In my last blog, I said I needed to Give to Live. I have not stopped giving. I have not given up this time like I did last time. It means too much and I know that. However, I do keep using and that can't continue!
I also said in my last blog that by using I am killing myself. Even when I am alive, when I use, it is as if I am not alive. I begin to lose my soul. I literally become nothing to no one. I disappear and I am unreachable. Those who know me notice this every time.
I try to live The Truth. It's not as if I do not tell The Truth after the fact, but when I tell someone I will be somewhere it is important that I keep my word. Saying I will be somewhere and then not is basically lying the way I see it. I mean what I say when I say it, I just end up changing my plans. Basically, I choose to use and once I do that I can't do anything else.
It's important I be grateful that I am alive and have received so many blessings. The other thing I do not do when I use is take care of myself. It is so important I do certain things every day, many times a day or it could ultimately kill me. It would definitely hurt my health which really isn't that great anyway.
I am alive. When I use it is as if people can see into my eyes like open doors. I know that God can and that should be enough, however, it seems more people can. I know that using is not living. I have to live. I mean really live life. If anyone is suppose to know that, it is me.
So many have been so good to me. I really am grateful for all that has been done, but it is important that I am always that way. I can't keep using. It means too much.
Unbelievably, I don't have a lot to say. My head is just not really there. I thought it was important that I say something. It's more important I do something. That something is STAY CLEAN. I haven't taken it too far yet. It's dark, but not that dark. Still, I need to find my soul.
How can you see into my eyes like open doors? Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb Without a soul my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold Until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside (I can’t wake up) Wake me up inside (Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark (Wake me up) Bid my blood to run (I can’t wake up) Before I come undone (Save me) Save me from the nothing I’ve become
Now that I know what I’m without You can't just leave me Breathe into me and make me real Bring me to life
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside (I can’t wake up) Wake me up inside (Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark (Wake me up) Bid my blood to run (I can’t wake up) Before I come undone (Save me) Save me from the nothing I’ve become
Bring me to life (I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside) Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch Without your love, darling Only you are the life among the dead
All this time I can't believe I couldn't see Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems Got to open my eyes to everything Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul Don't let me die here There must be something more Bring me to life
(Wake me up) Wake me up inside (I can’t wake up) Wake me up inside (Save me) Call my name and save me from the dark (Wake me up) Bid my blood to run (I can’t wake up) Before I come undone (Save me) Save me from the nothing I’ve become
(Bring me to life) I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside (Bring me to life)
"Without great love (and I mean great love) and great suffering, where there is a major defeat, major humiliation, major shock to the ego self, very few people will grow into mature faith."
- Richard Rohr
It's so much easier to push instead of pull. I try not to reuse songs for blogs but I have to this time. I used this one November 6, 2012. I knew I had to Give to Live. I knew it! I was planning on getting back into a recovery program so I could start giving back to this amazing Universe which had already given me so much. I didn't do that. I nearly died. In fact, I tried to kill myself. I was nearly successful.
It still amazes me that I could have tried such a thing. I like the way my doctor referred to it. She referred to it not as a suicide attempt, but a methamphetamine induced psychotic reaction. Either way, if I would have been successful, I would have been the one who killed myself.
That drug is pure evil. I don't want to get into the details of where I ended up last time, but I cannot deny that continuing to use will eventually put me back in that same dark place. Things were so bad, I was bringing on an end to the world! Seriously. I know I sound insane, because I was. However, the world was going to end on April Fools Day. There was going to be a meteor shower. I was responsible. When I finally woke up in the hospital and realized what I had been through and that I survived the insanity, the first thing I saw online was:
Meteorite - not the end of the world - strikes Russia's Siberia
A bus-sized meteor exploded over Russia's Ural Mountains, sparking speculation about everything from a missile attack to the end of the world. The shock waves smashed windows and damaged buildings.
By Fred Weir | Christian Science Monitor To me it was simply proof that what I was dealing with was real. Armageddon would not happen and even I was given another chance. All's I tried to do was stop hurting everyone who loved me by killing myself. The way I believed it, the end was near and I was heading to hell soon. Why keep harming people in the parallel Universe with my insanity? The Good would go to a Good place and the bad would go to a bad place. I didn't give people much time to get things right. That was so twisted for me to want to give my life to stop hurting my loved ones. In reality, my death would have hurt my loved ones. I was so sick, yet I was given another chance at LIFE!
I knew I had to Give to Live. I still know this. I know that living is what matters. Using is in so many ways killing myself - even if I am alive. It hurts people when I disappear.
Now, so much more has been done for me by so many. I always hoped that some day my writing may actually be the thing the helps others. Millions of dollars were spent saving my life and getting me back on my feet and into a beautiful high rise apartment in downtown San Francisco. This blessing is a dream come true.
How could I ever use again. I did. I wrote God a letter basically understanding that my continuing to use would mean nothing Good for me. I just wanted it to not hurt those who had helped me. Ultimately, that is my responsibility. I have to Give to Live. I must.
I was giving back to Laguna Honda Hospital until I relapsed. I was in the process of writing the story of a Laguna Honda patient who's j0urney through that hospital was very similar to mine. I photographed his progress and was planning to write about his journey. He is an amazing artist. He's a Good guy.
I've been clean for eight days. I start an outpatient program with Wally World tomorrow. I want to give back to that program. After Wally World, I am going to Laguna Honda Hospital to meet that amazing artist who I will call Found From The Fall. I already know a lot about him, but I plan to interview him. I have many photos of his journey and I will take more tomorrow. He now volunteers at Laguna Honda. He has really inspired me to get back on the path I was on.
Perhaps someday I will be a photo journalist. If it is God's Will then that is what I want. I have always wanted my writing to help God somehow. Ultimately, helping others will help God. I do know that. I also understand that God does not care for the thing I become when I use. I have to know that. The devil didn't care for me either - go figure. I need to move past all that and do the next right thing. I need to do Good.
I thought that my story would be Good after my "end of the world" suicide attempt. I hoped and I beleived that I would never use again. That's not how the story went. I can still never use again and make a difference in this Universe. I must Give to Live. I have been given so many chances and so many things by so many people - and God. This has to matter somehow. I don't want to be something big. Especially something big and bad. I do feel that I need to do something big for God and all of the wonderful people who have blessed me with so much.
It matters so much. I don't want to make a huge deal about me, but my surviving so many times is a big deal - to me. What so many have done for me is even a bigger deal for me. It has to be. I have to Give to Live. I said this back on November 6, 2012 - before I did so much wrong that I was bringing and end to the world. I didn't give anything Good. I have to this time. I must.
That letter to God was serious. Not using was what it was all about, but I have to admit that I meant using one more time would not be Good for me. In many ways, it wasn't. It caused me to miss many important medical appointments and not do Good for others. Someone who has been so Good to me needed me and I wasn't available. He lost business because of me. That is not okay to do to someone who has been so good to me. I have to always be available.
I called my brother last night for the first time since I was in Cincinnati. It was great to talk to him. He sounded fine. In the middle of the night, he ended up in the hospital. He had his appendix removed. It must run in the family. I had mine removed when I was 12. It was a very painful experience. I know it's not incredibly serious if they catch it and take it out, but what if it had been incredibly serious. What if it did rupture. I need always be available and ready for anything. Always.
The experience that led to my methamphetamine induced psychotic reaction was so huge to me. I know the end of the world thing was insane. I was dealing with the devil. To me, it may have seemed that's what would have happened had I ended up in hell. How could I ever have used again? How could I now?
On April 19th, 2013 while I was in the hospital I wrote something I called "Crazy Talk". It went like this:
It worries me because I am in so much
pain. Perhaps I will use again one day. Then, I will likely kill
myself. It's not like I'm making some sort of cry out for help.
Perhaps I am. The bottom line is, the day I start shooting up, my
call's out for help will end. Based on the way things have gone for
me in my addiction pattern means that since my last drug run was only
2 ½ months, my next one will be a lot shorter. The run before that
was probably 1 ½ years. It landed me homeless and in a dark
place. The one before that was probably a few years long. It landed
me in the ICU and emergency room a few times.
I have called out for help. I have a lot of it. I start an outpatient program tomorrow with a program that already helped me. I have psychiatrist and psychologist helping me from organizations that have already been there for me. My head is pretty messed up from everything. Still, I have to Give to Live. I'm starting to do that again tomorrow. I am writing that article about Found From The Fall. He took a very similar journey as I did into, through and out of Laguna Honda. I will also start taking photos for Laguna Honda tomorrow. I have to Give to Live. I am starting to again.
I hate to repeat Give to Live over and over, but it really does matter to me. I'm not suicidal, but I know using could spell my death. I want to live. Eventually, using will be nothing Good for me. Taking care of myself is important. Losing everything and ending up on the street is killing myself in so many ways. Using is not living. That's a fact. Now that I have been giving and living for a few days, I feel alive! Alive. I am alive. That is a miracle. I am not a miracle - life is. I need always be grateful for that. It is so important to me.
I have gotten many chances. This is likely the biggest one yet. I must Give to Live this time. I must.
Ooh, I can see that you've got fire in your eyes And the pain inside your heart So many things have come and torn your world apart Oh baby, baby, baby, don't give up, don't give up, don't give up
If you want love If you want love you've got to give a little If you want love If you want faith you just believe a little If you want love If you want peace turn your cheek a little Oh, you've got to give, you've got to give, you've got to give to live
An empty hand reaching out for someone An empty heart takes so little to fill It's so much easier to push instead of pull Oh baby, baby, baby, don't give up, don't give up, don't give up
If you want love If you want love you've got to give a little If you want love If you want faith you just believe a little If you want love If you want peace turn your cheek a little Oh, you've got to give, you've got to give, you've got to give to live
Each man's a country in his own right Oh, everybody needs a friend One friend, one God, one country No man need defend, yeah
I believe in fate and destination But so much of that lies in our own hands If you know what you want, just go on out and get it Oh baby, baby, just don't give up, no no, oh don't give up, yeah yeah
If you want love If you want love you've got to give a little If you want love If you want faith you just believe a little If you want love If you want peace turn your cheek a little Oh if you want love, you've got to give
If you want love Oh give to live If you want love You've got to give, you've got to give You've got to give to live If you want love If you want love Oh oh If you want love Oh oh If you want love Oh oh
