(I wrote this blog at the end of April - beginning of May, 2012)
“Don’t put it off; do it now! Don’t rest until you do!” Proverbs 7:4
It is so nice to be typing on a computer – at CityTeam! I can type a lot faster than I can write and my hand writing sucks! It always has. My brain goes way to fast for my hand writing. My thoughts are sometimes too fast for my typing. Sometimes, they are too fast for my talking. I’m working on that. Some of these guys call me tweaker. My old friend, My Homeboy, who left the program called me Turbo. They should have seen me when I was tweaking! I didn’t talk. I ran.
I’ve been running my whole life. I have started running in a new way lately – by running, actually running. I love it. It is so nice to run in this beautiful city. I run from CityTeam on 6th Street to the San Francisco Bay – by the Bay Bridge. It’s about a 3 miles round trip. I listen to The Foo Fighters on my iPod. If it’s not obvious by my choice of songs posted on my blog – The Foo Fighters are probably my favorite band lately. Their lyrics just seem to fit into my life. The first song I always here is All My Life. It’s a great song to run to. By the time I run there and back, the 6th Foo Fighters song on my iPod, Times Like These is playing. It is usually at the verse that says, “It’s times like these you give and give and give”, just as I run over this sidewalk message. I love when that happens.
It takes me about 30 minutes to run to The Bay and back. I love all the tall buildings along the way. They are also starting to build a lot of new skyscrapers around here and a new Transbay Terminal. I intend to photograph them when my friend comes to San Francisco from the East Bay next weekend – if it’s okay with her. She is a great photographer and a really kind person. She has been offering to go out and take photos with me for a while now. I’m looking forward to it. I assume I will have done that by the time I post (or have posted?) this blog.
I am so busy. Typing on a computer will definitely help. I have been off restriction for about a week now. I have started typing on my laptop during the few hours I have had free. I have spent a couple of hours transcribing all that I have written on paper to the computer. A lot of it, which has been posted by now, even though it hasn’t been posted yet, was the 130 plus pages I wrote for Charlie and the Hot Chocolate Kids.
Let me tell you, this is all confusing me too. I have already written close to 300 pages on notebook paper. A fraction of it, I have typed on to blogspot. Last night, I lost about ½ of what I had already typed – which was only about 15 hand written pages, but it still took me some time! I was frustrated, but, I started over. My life is kind of defying the space-time continuum right now. I don’t completely know what that means. I’d look it up but I don’t have internet access here. Basically I’m writing things that will be posted later when something else has happened or I have stumbled upon a photo opportunity or remembered something or read something that will fit into the writing – past, present or future.
Where was I? Thankfully, I didn’t just lose this writing. I was just called upstairs for a few different things, ranging from fixing the walk-in freezer to fixing the mop bucket. I have always kind of been a jack of all trades and a master of none. As I think I mentioned in a previous blog (I’m really not sure any more), we are completely painting the inside of CityTeam. The guys here, who have painting experience, and who are painting, covered the motor to the walk in cooler for the kitchen so it would not get paint on it. I am currently the AM cook - I cook breakfast and lunch. This morning the walk-in was about 70 degrees. As Hefe Grande said in his Spanish accent, “No is good”. I climbed up on top of it and got it started this morning. It got cold again. I suggested we shut it down before the painting started again. This didn’t happen and it burned out again. I couldn’t fix it on my own this time, but I called in some help and got it fixed.
Now, as I suggested this morning, I have to turn it off during painting. I have to watch the temperature and turn it back on from time to time to keep food from going bad. The guys who are doing the painting don’t want to be bothered with this. I also have to make sure the kitchen crew keep the door to the walk in closed. This has kind of become my responsibility. I also have a lot of program work to do. I am trying to finish my book report so I can get to Module 2 so I can be the driver for CityTeam. Those who have been given much, much will be expected.
I am trying to stay focused on all that is going on around me. The messages from God seem to keep coming at me one way or another. It’s weird. I have been a very messed up person in my life – very. I think something really has been after me my whole life – darkness. I used to believe that we may all be capable of being prophets of some kind. It seemed to me the God revealed himself to me years ago. I kept using after I had written about this truth. I think I might have even written that I thought me might all be capable of being some kind of prophet. Choosing to continue to use was not a good idea. I believed that God tried to blind me for being a false prophet by forcing me to stare into the sun one morning. I'm not totally sure it was God, but it was a very disciplined voice that was said to be from Heaven. It was a woman's voice. I saw dark spots for a while. I can’t remember what bible verse I flipped the bible open to after that happened to me, but I I’ll try to post the bible verse here:
Acts 13:6-11
"Now when they had gone through the island to Paphos, they found a certain sorcerer, a false prophet, a Jew whose name was Bar-Jesus, who was with the proconsul, Sergius Paulus, an intelligent man. This man called for Barnabas and Saul and sought to hear the word of God. But Elymas the sorcerer (for so his name is translated) withstood them, seeking to turn the proconsul away from the faith. Then Saul, who also is called Paul, filled with the Holy Spirit, looked intently at him and said, "O full of all deceit and all fraud, you son of the devil, you enemy of all righteousness, will you not cease perverting the straight ways of the Lord? And now, indeed, the hand of the Lord is upon you, and you shall be blind, not seeing the sun for a time." And immediately a dark mist fell on him, and he went around seeking someone to lead him by the hand"
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. Where did that come from? Actually, I’m kind of being silly. A staff member just came down and said, “David, did you cover that hole?” Earlier, I was asked to cover this hole high in the wall that leads to the kitchen with plastic to keep paint fumes and spray out of the kitchen – I forgot to do it. I ran up to do it and decided to turn the walk-in cooler back on since the painters were done spraying. Then as I was going to cover the hole, one of the painters said, “I’ll cover that hole Dave”. Cool. When I started running down the stairs, Leonard Sizemore said, “Hey Dave?”, I ran back up the stairs and said, “yeah”. He said, “I was just curious how far you got before I called your name”. Asshole. I like this guy. He’s from Oklahoma, but he has spent most of his life in L.A. and Las Vegas. He used to play guitar with Belinda Karlile of the GoGos before she was with the GoGos. He’s a great guitar player. When I get another guitar, he’s going to play lead with me. We only have one guitar in the house right now.
I’m probably going to play at an open mic night at some clubs pretty soon with my young friend from Indiana. He asked that I call him Zack Attack in my blog just a couple of days ago. I’m not sure if I’ll refer to him as Zack Attack in the blogs I have already written, but not typed or posted. It’s that whole space-time continuum thing again!
Okay, I’ve decided. I will not change previous blogs when if I have already mentioned these guys. I know I’ve mentioned Zack Attack. (I changed my mind again and actually did use his nickname already - space-time). I have already written this blog at this point, but I am editing it. (Huh?)
When our director got back this week from India, my friend who played with the GoGo’s introduced himself as Leonard Sizemore. That’s not his real name. There is of course a story behind it, but for now, it’s his blog name.
At the places Zack Attack has played, you have to play originals. I guess the places he’s gone; you get to play two songs. I’d probably play Tequila and Trains and Killing Ourselves. Perhaps I should play WTF.
Oh by the way, my guitar got sold from the pawn shop. I’m not surprised that that didn’t fit into God’s will that I get it back. I wanted it back, but it probably had some bad mojo to it. It still makes me sad that I lost it for drugs - Especially because Susan bought it back for me so many times. I miss Susan.
“Geez, who would have thought that this speed freak could type?” That’s the comment I just heard from one of the staff members sitting behind me – the one who ask me to cover the hole. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. I like this guy too. He’s always giving me a hard time because I talk too much. I tell him, “You know, I might just have some valuable things to say if you’d just listen.” I’m trying to talk less.
“Hey guys, Donations!” I’ll be right back.
Every time we get donations, we have to drop what we're doing and bring in the donations of food, clothing or whatever. A few times as week, these two sisters (as in nuns) bring a van load of food. I thought they might be Italian, but I was wrong. I just asked them they said, “French”. They are very nice.
Where was I? Well, I know where I am. I am in the learning center. The learning center helps guys get ready for the real world. I started the learning center last week. I took my first test – math. I got a perfect score. It’s GED level math. I was always good at math. I can’t believe I remembered all I did though. I was going to major in Quantitative Analysis, but Marketing went better with my alcoholism.
Since I am in the learning center and don’t have to practice math, I have been working on my book report….
“Hey Dave, I need ya….”
Leonard Sizemore, just asked me if I could show him how to empty the trap under the sink. It was overflowing. He said, “I figured if anyone could fix it, it’d be you.” He also knows he can ask me for help. When he asked someone else about why it was leaking, that person (I have no idea nor do I care who) snapped at him and said, “It’s your recovery, you figure it out!” Did I say that if assholes could fly, this place would be an airport? Sometimes it’s not a joke. It could have been sarcasm. Sarcasm is used a lot here. I don’t like that kind of sarcasm. You know the kind where people can slam you and say, “I was just kidding”. Maybe they were. Perhaps I’m too sensitive.
We all have issues. We’re all working on them. Some of us are working on them more than others. Some of us are sicker than others. I’m probably the sickest here, but I try to be kind and work hard. Those who have been given much, much will be expected.
Leonard Sizemore is in his sixties. He kind of reminds me of my uncle from Kentucky. I just found out, he had family in Ghent, Kentucky on the Ohio River. We just looked it up (during my edit – not the original writing of this blog) on the map. It is very near to where the Kentucky Motor Speedway is today. Ghent is located on the Ohio River, 48.9 miles from
Fountain Square.
I also asked him to take this photo – during the edits.
Leonard Sizemore told me, he wouldn’t have bothered me, but he “knew I wouldn’t give him a hard time.” Good. I don’t mind working here. I like helping people. I like having that reputation. I don’t understand why so many people have such a short fuse, well actually I do, but they need to work on themselves. It is what it is.
Even I get frustrated when someone won’t take out the garbage or mop the floor and I have to do it for them. Not that I’m above that, it’s just that if it’s not my job, it’s not my job. I don’t want to be a doormat. I’ll fix the walk in cooler – if I can. I have done plenty of dirty jobs here when I am supposed to. I usually do them when I am not supposed to avoid confrontation. That’s probably wrong of me – for me and the lazy person. I’m not really complaining. Leonard Sizemore, just said, “I’m not going to come get you to crack an egg.” He gets it.
I really do want to help out. I really want to make a difference. I think my selflessness is beginning to be apparent. The other day, Shirley Temple called me Jesus. You see, this is where this whole space-time continuum starts to kick in again. On my laptop, at Susan’s, I am starting to type the part I wrote about my first time at Walden House. I forgot to write about how my first real friend at Walden House was Shirley Temple. That’s what she called herself back then. She looked like – Shirley Temple. Now, I plan to add that by writing about her in the blog, Charlie and the Hot Chocolate Kids, which I have written but not finished typing or of course posted at the time I am writing this (beginning of May). Got it? Me either.
Shirley Temple is kind of crazy – I think. As you probably have already read, (I’m not sure, because I haven’t written it yet), she called me Charles in Charge while we were at Walden House. She also talked about the FBI, the CIA and the mafia, and the New World Order – she was pretty nuts, but I totally related. We were both still kind of coming down. I think I had had one nights rest at least. She was crazy, but I really liked her. I always believed that we need to listen a lot closer to people who don’t seem to be all there.
I was happy to see that she comes here to our Monday recovery meeting. She told me she was pregnant – with four babies. I have no idea if she’s really pregnant. The other day, she was peaking through our screen door and said, “Hey, Jesus”. She was hungry and wanted some food. I got it for her. She told me I reminded her more now of Jesus than Charles in Charge. I thought it was ridiculous; however, there might actually be something to what "crazy" Shirley Temple was saying.
At Walden House, she thought I really was Scott Baio, the actor from Charles in Charge – really. Many people have old me I remind them of an actor throughout my life. As an addict, sometimes one has to be a bit of an actor in life. While I was not Charles in Charge back then, I was David in Charge. Not a good thing. My actions these days, well, are more like those of Jesus. I keep God in Charge. I live a good, honest life and I think of others before I think of myself. I still thought her calling me Jesus was pretty ridiculous. Then, I read in this book, A Purpose Driven Life, I’m reading right now for my book report, how God wants us to become more like Jesus. “Come, be my disciple, Jesus said to him. So Matthew got up and followed him.” Matthew 9:9.
I can’t believe I’m quoting the bible, but I just cannot deny the way it is speaking to me. Here at CityTeam, we are called disciples. It is a discipleship program - which kind of makes sense to me. The person I really relate to in the Bible is David. Go figure. Earlier today, I was praying for Susan while I was walking to pick a five gallon bucket of paint for CityTeam.
I just got interrupted again - this time for dinner. We are not eating in the dining room because of the painting that is going on here upstairs. Things are definitely a little more chaotic than normal. The song playing on the radio in the kitchen and downstairs while I was eating was that Elton John song that says, “I remember when rock was young, me and Susie had so much fun…” We did.
Also, while I was eating, peaking out of a backpack on the desk I was eating at, was Joel Osteen. Well, his picture anyway - On the back of a book. Susan and I used to watch him on T.V. He is kind of a motivational preacher, but I really liked him. Susan thought he was goofy, but liked him too. Years ago while in Boston, Susan waited in line for about 2 hours, just to get his booked signed for me. How could I have lost her for Crystal Meth?
Did I say that if assholes could fly this place would be an airport? I just went upstairs to get my camera so I could take a photo of Joel peeking out of that briefcase. The painters were painting. I said, "Can I get in my locker?”, “NO, YOU CAN’T GET IN IT ALL NIGHT!” I understand they are frustrated, so I just started to walk away. Then one of them said, “Oh, buy the way, nice job cleaning this room so we could paint it”, I said, “Oh really?”, thinking it was a compliment. He said, “NO”. I hate sarcasm or whatever that was, so I said, “Tough shit” and came down here. I should have bit my tongue. WWJD? Susan and I used to joke about WWJD! I miss what we had during the good times.
(That photo would have gone here. Sorry Joel.)
I’m trying to believe that God has a plan for me. Perhaps it’s written. Perhaps it is already History or His-story. Maybe I need to read about David some more. I just realized that David wrote Psalms. I think Psalms are like songs. David obviously didn’t write songs like Dorito in you mouth, Tequila and Trains or What the Fuck? Well, this David did. That David was by no means perfect either. As I was walking to the paint store, I was praying for Susan and wondering, “Why did I lose her? What is my purpose now?” Just then I saw this – written in the sidewalk.
I thought to myself. "That is so ridiculous I know that I am not all that." But I did pray to God, “God, I’ll do all I can with what little I have to offer” I also prayed to God that I remain humble. That instant, I saw this:
Then I thought of something I had read in the book that just moments before I was asked to walk to the paint store:
"Bathesda commited adultery with David, which resulted in her husbands murder. These were not exactly sterling reputations, but God brought good out of bad, and Jesus came through their lineage. God’s purpose is greater than our problems, our pain, and even our sin."
I remember liking David when I was young – especially, like many children, the story of David and Goliath. In the recent past, I have called my addiction Goliath. I remember the first time the bible spoke to me. About 5 years ago, there was a dark figure standing in the corner of my room. It scared me. I had in the past kept my mothers bible close to my heart during hard times, but never bothered to actually open it and read it. I had seen these dark figures before and made the wrong decision by choosing to do the wrong thing - go back out and use. The last time I made such a bad decision, as I mentioned in my last blog - I got pistol whipped.
I obviously had a reason to be afraid. I picked up my mothers Bible and for the first time, I opened it and started to read it.
I randomly flipped it open to Psalms 107. I didn't realize back then that it was my favorite Bible character David, who wrote Psalms.
I was literally amazed that this book could tell me what I had been doing. I had literally been going back and forth to the wilderness of Lands End and the Presido back then. Both are located on the waterway known as The Golden Gate - which connects the San Francisco Bay to the Pacific Ocean. I would stay in these creepy old gun batteries, beach coves, thick brush and caves over looking the usually foggy waterway. I could see ships that seemed to be up to something! I was of course being watched.
Back then - at first at thought I had discovered the New World Order and the Illuminati. They were controlling my mind with the mind control equipment on top of the San Francisco Federal Building -which was a couple of blocks way from the shooting gallery I first shot up. I called it The Old World Order. They were controlling the weather and creating landslides and earthquakes to reduce the world population of course. I had seen the weather change before my eyes. Gusts of wind and rogue waves nocked me off my feet. I was once in a slow moving landslide - they caused. (They are messing with my computer right now) Later, I realized, they just might be something much bigger and much darker - evil. This meant one thing to me. There is a God.
(I want to make clear that I don't believe they are necessarily the people who occupy San Francisco Federal Buildings anymore.)
I would get high and spend days out there without food or water. I would go insane and do and see all kind of crazy things I couldn't understand. Eventually, I'd pray for God to help me. I'd crawl back to the city and with Susan's loving kindness, things would get better. Eventually, I'd pretty much say, "Thanks God, I got it for here." I'd do it all over again and again and again....It seems God saved me, again and again and again.....
It was the first time the bible spoke to me. For a while I wondered, “What does it mean? How does it end? How long will this go on?”
With that dark thing in the corner that night, seemingly trying to pull me off of my couch, I grabbed my mothers Bible and I randomly flipped it open and began to read the first chapter on the page I had flipped open:
Psalms 107.
I didn't go anywhere after that. I was amazed. Once again, I knew there was a God. Eventually, I'd go back. God was always there for me. It seems that today I am receiving God's loving-kindness despite all my wrong-doings.
Okay, I think I’m done. It’s Friday Night. I’m going to the Mission with Hefe Grande to vistit his familia to celebrate Cinco De Mayo. I hope I can get my camera out of my locker! Let Go Luke. Hefe Grande tells me, “Diablo knows you are strong”. I feel really spiritual right now. I probably sound insane.
I love these guys. One of them, we'll call him James Dean, just came into the learning center and non-sarcastically said, “Hey Dave, I thought it was really cool how you stepped up and took some ownership today and got that freezer fixed.” Thanks.
All my life I've been searching for something
Something never comes never leads to nothing
Nothing satisfies but I'm getting close
Closer to the prize at the end of the rope
All night long I dream of the day
When it comes around then it's taken away
Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most
The feeling comes to life when I see your ghost
Come down don't you resist
You have such a delicate wrist
And if I give it a twist
Something to hold when I lose my grip
Will I find something in there
To give me just what I need
Another reason to bleed
ONE BY ONE hidden up my sleeve
ONE BY ONE hidden up my sleeve
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keepin' me down
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keepin' me down
Will I find a believer
Another one who believes
Another one to deceive
Over and over down on my knees
If I get any closer
And if you open up wide
And if you let me inside
On and on I've got nothing to hide
On and on I've got nothing to hide
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keepin' me down
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keepin' me down
All my life I've been searching for something
Something never comes never leads to nothing
Nothing satisfies but I'm getting close
Closer to the prize at the end of the rope
All night long I dream of the day
When it comes around then it's taken away
Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most
The feeling comes to life when I see your ghost, and
I'm done, done and I'm onto the next one [x8, then x4 but yelling]
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keeping me down [x2]
[yelling]
Done done and onto the next one
Done I'm done and I'm onto the next
“Don’t put it off; do it now! Don’t rest until you do!” Proverbs 7:4
It is so nice to be typing on a computer – at CityTeam! I can type a lot faster than I can write and my hand writing sucks! It always has. My brain goes way to fast for my hand writing. My thoughts are sometimes too fast for my typing. Sometimes, they are too fast for my talking. I’m working on that. Some of these guys call me tweaker. My old friend, My Homeboy, who left the program called me Turbo. They should have seen me when I was tweaking! I didn’t talk. I ran.
I’ve been running my whole life. I have started running in a new way lately – by running, actually running. I love it. It is so nice to run in this beautiful city. I run from CityTeam on 6th Street to the San Francisco Bay – by the Bay Bridge. It’s about a 3 miles round trip. I listen to The Foo Fighters on my iPod. If it’s not obvious by my choice of songs posted on my blog – The Foo Fighters are probably my favorite band lately. Their lyrics just seem to fit into my life. The first song I always here is All My Life. It’s a great song to run to. By the time I run there and back, the 6th Foo Fighters song on my iPod, Times Like These is playing. It is usually at the verse that says, “It’s times like these you give and give and give”, just as I run over this sidewalk message. I love when that happens.
It takes me about 30 minutes to run to The Bay and back. I love all the tall buildings along the way. They are also starting to build a lot of new skyscrapers around here and a new Transbay Terminal. I intend to photograph them when my friend comes to San Francisco from the East Bay next weekend – if it’s okay with her. She is a great photographer and a really kind person. She has been offering to go out and take photos with me for a while now. I’m looking forward to it. I assume I will have done that by the time I post (or have posted?) this blog.
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| She didn't mind. In the background is construction of the new Transbay Terminal. I'll bet the photo Gina took turned out to look something like... |
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| This. And... |
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| I bet the photo I took turned out to look something like... |
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| This. |
Let me tell you, this is all confusing me too. I have already written close to 300 pages on notebook paper. A fraction of it, I have typed on to blogspot. Last night, I lost about ½ of what I had already typed – which was only about 15 hand written pages, but it still took me some time! I was frustrated, but, I started over. My life is kind of defying the space-time continuum right now. I don’t completely know what that means. I’d look it up but I don’t have internet access here. Basically I’m writing things that will be posted later when something else has happened or I have stumbled upon a photo opportunity or remembered something or read something that will fit into the writing – past, present or future.
| Noun | 1. |  space-time continuum - the four-dimensional coordinate system (3 dimensions of space and 1 of time) in which physical events are located |
Where was I? Thankfully, I didn’t just lose this writing. I was just called upstairs for a few different things, ranging from fixing the walk-in freezer to fixing the mop bucket. I have always kind of been a jack of all trades and a master of none. As I think I mentioned in a previous blog (I’m really not sure any more), we are completely painting the inside of CityTeam. The guys here, who have painting experience, and who are painting, covered the motor to the walk in cooler for the kitchen so it would not get paint on it. I am currently the AM cook - I cook breakfast and lunch. This morning the walk-in was about 70 degrees. As Hefe Grande said in his Spanish accent, “No is good”. I climbed up on top of it and got it started this morning. It got cold again. I suggested we shut it down before the painting started again. This didn’t happen and it burned out again. I couldn’t fix it on my own this time, but I called in some help and got it fixed.
Now, as I suggested this morning, I have to turn it off during painting. I have to watch the temperature and turn it back on from time to time to keep food from going bad. The guys who are doing the painting don’t want to be bothered with this. I also have to make sure the kitchen crew keep the door to the walk in closed. This has kind of become my responsibility. I also have a lot of program work to do. I am trying to finish my book report so I can get to Module 2 so I can be the driver for CityTeam. Those who have been given much, much will be expected.
I am trying to stay focused on all that is going on around me. The messages from God seem to keep coming at me one way or another. It’s weird. I have been a very messed up person in my life – very. I think something really has been after me my whole life – darkness. I used to believe that we may all be capable of being prophets of some kind. It seemed to me the God revealed himself to me years ago. I kept using after I had written about this truth. I think I might have even written that I thought me might all be capable of being some kind of prophet. Choosing to continue to use was not a good idea. I believed that God tried to blind me for being a false prophet by forcing me to stare into the sun one morning. I'm not totally sure it was God, but it was a very disciplined voice that was said to be from Heaven. It was a woman's voice. I saw dark spots for a while. I can’t remember what bible verse I flipped the bible open to after that happened to me, but I I’ll try to post the bible verse here:
Acts 13:6-11
"Now when they had gone through the island to Paphos, they found a certain sorcerer, a false prophet, a Jew whose name was Bar-Jesus, who was with the proconsul, Sergius Paulus, an intelligent man. This man called for Barnabas and Saul and sought to hear the word of God. But Elymas the sorcerer (for so his name is translated) withstood them, seeking to turn the proconsul away from the faith. Then Saul, who also is called Paul, filled with the Holy Spirit, looked intently at him and said, "O full of all deceit and all fraud, you son of the devil, you enemy of all righteousness, will you not cease perverting the straight ways of the Lord? And now, indeed, the hand of the Lord is upon you, and you shall be blind, not seeing the sun for a time." And immediately a dark mist fell on him, and he went around seeking someone to lead him by the hand"
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. Where did that come from? Actually, I’m kind of being silly. A staff member just came down and said, “David, did you cover that hole?” Earlier, I was asked to cover this hole high in the wall that leads to the kitchen with plastic to keep paint fumes and spray out of the kitchen – I forgot to do it. I ran up to do it and decided to turn the walk-in cooler back on since the painters were done spraying. Then as I was going to cover the hole, one of the painters said, “I’ll cover that hole Dave”. Cool. When I started running down the stairs, Leonard Sizemore said, “Hey Dave?”, I ran back up the stairs and said, “yeah”. He said, “I was just curious how far you got before I called your name”. Asshole. I like this guy. He’s from Oklahoma, but he has spent most of his life in L.A. and Las Vegas. He used to play guitar with Belinda Karlile of the GoGos before she was with the GoGos. He’s a great guitar player. When I get another guitar, he’s going to play lead with me. We only have one guitar in the house right now.
I’m probably going to play at an open mic night at some clubs pretty soon with my young friend from Indiana. He asked that I call him Zack Attack in my blog just a couple of days ago. I’m not sure if I’ll refer to him as Zack Attack in the blogs I have already written, but not typed or posted. It’s that whole space-time continuum thing again!
Okay, I’ve decided. I will not change previous blogs when if I have already mentioned these guys. I know I’ve mentioned Zack Attack. (I changed my mind again and actually did use his nickname already - space-time). I have already written this blog at this point, but I am editing it. (Huh?)
When our director got back this week from India, my friend who played with the GoGo’s introduced himself as Leonard Sizemore. That’s not his real name. There is of course a story behind it, but for now, it’s his blog name.
At the places Zack Attack has played, you have to play originals. I guess the places he’s gone; you get to play two songs. I’d probably play Tequila and Trains and Killing Ourselves. Perhaps I should play WTF.
Oh by the way, my guitar got sold from the pawn shop. I’m not surprised that that didn’t fit into God’s will that I get it back. I wanted it back, but it probably had some bad mojo to it. It still makes me sad that I lost it for drugs - Especially because Susan bought it back for me so many times. I miss Susan.
“Geez, who would have thought that this speed freak could type?” That’s the comment I just heard from one of the staff members sitting behind me – the one who ask me to cover the hole. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport. I like this guy too. He’s always giving me a hard time because I talk too much. I tell him, “You know, I might just have some valuable things to say if you’d just listen.” I’m trying to talk less.
“Hey guys, Donations!” I’ll be right back.
Every time we get donations, we have to drop what we're doing and bring in the donations of food, clothing or whatever. A few times as week, these two sisters (as in nuns) bring a van load of food. I thought they might be Italian, but I was wrong. I just asked them they said, “French”. They are very nice.
Where was I? Well, I know where I am. I am in the learning center. The learning center helps guys get ready for the real world. I started the learning center last week. I took my first test – math. I got a perfect score. It’s GED level math. I was always good at math. I can’t believe I remembered all I did though. I was going to major in Quantitative Analysis, but Marketing went better with my alcoholism.
Since I am in the learning center and don’t have to practice math, I have been working on my book report….
“Hey Dave, I need ya….”
Leonard Sizemore, just asked me if I could show him how to empty the trap under the sink. It was overflowing. He said, “I figured if anyone could fix it, it’d be you.” He also knows he can ask me for help. When he asked someone else about why it was leaking, that person (I have no idea nor do I care who) snapped at him and said, “It’s your recovery, you figure it out!” Did I say that if assholes could fly, this place would be an airport? Sometimes it’s not a joke. It could have been sarcasm. Sarcasm is used a lot here. I don’t like that kind of sarcasm. You know the kind where people can slam you and say, “I was just kidding”. Maybe they were. Perhaps I’m too sensitive.
We all have issues. We’re all working on them. Some of us are working on them more than others. Some of us are sicker than others. I’m probably the sickest here, but I try to be kind and work hard. Those who have been given much, much will be expected.
Leonard Sizemore is in his sixties. He kind of reminds me of my uncle from Kentucky. I just found out, he had family in Ghent, Kentucky on the Ohio River. We just looked it up (during my edit – not the original writing of this blog) on the map. It is very near to where the Kentucky Motor Speedway is today. Ghent is located on the Ohio River, 48.9 miles from
Fountain Square.
I also asked him to take this photo – during the edits.
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| Wow, I think running three to six miles a day has made me lose weight. I was gaining it back then. I had just got off restriction when this photo was taken. I was eating good! Before going into CityTeam I weighed around 130lbs. I certainly have a lot less tread on my shoes! |
Leonard Sizemore told me, he wouldn’t have bothered me, but he “knew I wouldn’t give him a hard time.” Good. I don’t mind working here. I like helping people. I like having that reputation. I don’t understand why so many people have such a short fuse, well actually I do, but they need to work on themselves. It is what it is.
Even I get frustrated when someone won’t take out the garbage or mop the floor and I have to do it for them. Not that I’m above that, it’s just that if it’s not my job, it’s not my job. I don’t want to be a doormat. I’ll fix the walk in cooler – if I can. I have done plenty of dirty jobs here when I am supposed to. I usually do them when I am not supposed to avoid confrontation. That’s probably wrong of me – for me and the lazy person. I’m not really complaining. Leonard Sizemore, just said, “I’m not going to come get you to crack an egg.” He gets it.
I really do want to help out. I really want to make a difference. I think my selflessness is beginning to be apparent. The other day, Shirley Temple called me Jesus. You see, this is where this whole space-time continuum starts to kick in again. On my laptop, at Susan’s, I am starting to type the part I wrote about my first time at Walden House. I forgot to write about how my first real friend at Walden House was Shirley Temple. That’s what she called herself back then. She looked like – Shirley Temple. Now, I plan to add that by writing about her in the blog, Charlie and the Hot Chocolate Kids, which I have written but not finished typing or of course posted at the time I am writing this (beginning of May). Got it? Me either.
Shirley Temple is kind of crazy – I think. As you probably have already read, (I’m not sure, because I haven’t written it yet), she called me Charles in Charge while we were at Walden House. She also talked about the FBI, the CIA and the mafia, and the New World Order – she was pretty nuts, but I totally related. We were both still kind of coming down. I think I had had one nights rest at least. She was crazy, but I really liked her. I always believed that we need to listen a lot closer to people who don’t seem to be all there.
I was happy to see that she comes here to our Monday recovery meeting. She told me she was pregnant – with four babies. I have no idea if she’s really pregnant. The other day, she was peaking through our screen door and said, “Hey, Jesus”. She was hungry and wanted some food. I got it for her. She told me I reminded her more now of Jesus than Charles in Charge. I thought it was ridiculous; however, there might actually be something to what "crazy" Shirley Temple was saying.
At Walden House, she thought I really was Scott Baio, the actor from Charles in Charge – really. Many people have old me I remind them of an actor throughout my life. As an addict, sometimes one has to be a bit of an actor in life. While I was not Charles in Charge back then, I was David in Charge. Not a good thing. My actions these days, well, are more like those of Jesus. I keep God in Charge. I live a good, honest life and I think of others before I think of myself. I still thought her calling me Jesus was pretty ridiculous. Then, I read in this book, A Purpose Driven Life, I’m reading right now for my book report, how God wants us to become more like Jesus. “Come, be my disciple, Jesus said to him. So Matthew got up and followed him.” Matthew 9:9.
I can’t believe I’m quoting the bible, but I just cannot deny the way it is speaking to me. Here at CityTeam, we are called disciples. It is a discipleship program - which kind of makes sense to me. The person I really relate to in the Bible is David. Go figure. Earlier today, I was praying for Susan while I was walking to pick a five gallon bucket of paint for CityTeam.
I just got interrupted again - this time for dinner. We are not eating in the dining room because of the painting that is going on here upstairs. Things are definitely a little more chaotic than normal. The song playing on the radio in the kitchen and downstairs while I was eating was that Elton John song that says, “I remember when rock was young, me and Susie had so much fun…” We did.
Also, while I was eating, peaking out of a backpack on the desk I was eating at, was Joel Osteen. Well, his picture anyway - On the back of a book. Susan and I used to watch him on T.V. He is kind of a motivational preacher, but I really liked him. Susan thought he was goofy, but liked him too. Years ago while in Boston, Susan waited in line for about 2 hours, just to get his booked signed for me. How could I have lost her for Crystal Meth?
Did I say that if assholes could fly this place would be an airport? I just went upstairs to get my camera so I could take a photo of Joel peeking out of that briefcase. The painters were painting. I said, "Can I get in my locker?”, “NO, YOU CAN’T GET IN IT ALL NIGHT!” I understand they are frustrated, so I just started to walk away. Then one of them said, “Oh, buy the way, nice job cleaning this room so we could paint it”, I said, “Oh really?”, thinking it was a compliment. He said, “NO”. I hate sarcasm or whatever that was, so I said, “Tough shit” and came down here. I should have bit my tongue. WWJD? Susan and I used to joke about WWJD! I miss what we had during the good times.
(That photo would have gone here. Sorry Joel.)
I’m trying to believe that God has a plan for me. Perhaps it’s written. Perhaps it is already History or His-story. Maybe I need to read about David some more. I just realized that David wrote Psalms. I think Psalms are like songs. David obviously didn’t write songs like Dorito in you mouth, Tequila and Trains or What the Fuck? Well, this David did. That David was by no means perfect either. As I was walking to the paint store, I was praying for Susan and wondering, “Why did I lose her? What is my purpose now?” Just then I saw this – written in the sidewalk.
I thought to myself. "That is so ridiculous I know that I am not all that." But I did pray to God, “God, I’ll do all I can with what little I have to offer” I also prayed to God that I remain humble. That instant, I saw this:
Then I thought of something I had read in the book that just moments before I was asked to walk to the paint store:
"Bathesda commited adultery with David, which resulted in her husbands murder. These were not exactly sterling reputations, but God brought good out of bad, and Jesus came through their lineage. God’s purpose is greater than our problems, our pain, and even our sin."
I remember liking David when I was young – especially, like many children, the story of David and Goliath. In the recent past, I have called my addiction Goliath. I remember the first time the bible spoke to me. About 5 years ago, there was a dark figure standing in the corner of my room. It scared me. I had in the past kept my mothers bible close to my heart during hard times, but never bothered to actually open it and read it. I had seen these dark figures before and made the wrong decision by choosing to do the wrong thing - go back out and use. The last time I made such a bad decision, as I mentioned in my last blog - I got pistol whipped.
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| That was painful. |
I obviously had a reason to be afraid. I picked up my mothers Bible and for the first time, I opened it and started to read it.
I randomly flipped it open to Psalms 107. I didn't realize back then that it was my favorite Bible character David, who wrote Psalms.
I was literally amazed that this book could tell me what I had been doing. I had literally been going back and forth to the wilderness of Lands End and the Presido back then. Both are located on the waterway known as The Golden Gate - which connects the San Francisco Bay to the Pacific Ocean. I would stay in these creepy old gun batteries, beach coves, thick brush and caves over looking the usually foggy waterway. I could see ships that seemed to be up to something! I was of course being watched.
Back then - at first at thought I had discovered the New World Order and the Illuminati. They were controlling my mind with the mind control equipment on top of the San Francisco Federal Building -which was a couple of blocks way from the shooting gallery I first shot up. I called it The Old World Order. They were controlling the weather and creating landslides and earthquakes to reduce the world population of course. I had seen the weather change before my eyes. Gusts of wind and rogue waves nocked me off my feet. I was once in a slow moving landslide - they caused. (They are messing with my computer right now) Later, I realized, they just might be something much bigger and much darker - evil. This meant one thing to me. There is a God.
(I want to make clear that I don't believe they are necessarily the people who occupy San Francisco Federal Buildings anymore.)
I would get high and spend days out there without food or water. I would go insane and do and see all kind of crazy things I couldn't understand. Eventually, I'd pray for God to help me. I'd crawl back to the city and with Susan's loving kindness, things would get better. Eventually, I'd pretty much say, "Thanks God, I got it for here." I'd do it all over again and again and again....It seems God saved me, again and again and again.....
It was the first time the bible spoke to me. For a while I wondered, “What does it mean? How does it end? How long will this go on?”
With that dark thing in the corner that night, seemingly trying to pull me off of my couch, I grabbed my mothers Bible and I randomly flipped it open and began to read the first chapter on the page I had flipped open:
Psalms 107.
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O give thanks unto the LORD, for he is good:
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Let the redeemed of the LORD say so,
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| 3 |
and gathered them out of the lands,
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| 4 |
They wandered in the wilderness in a solitary way;
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| 5 |
Hungry and thirsty,
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| 6 |
Then they cried unto the LORD in their trouble,
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| 7 |
And he led them forth by the right way,
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| 8 |
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness,
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| 9 |
For he satisfieth the longing soul,
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| 10 |
Such as sit in darkness and in the shadow of death,
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| 11 |
because they rebelled against the words of God,
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| 12 |
therefore he brought down their heart with labor;
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| 13 |
Then they cried unto the LORD in their trouble,
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| 14 |
He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death,
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| 15 |
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness,
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| 16 |
For he hath broken the gates of brass,
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| 17 |
Fools, because of their transgression,
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| 18 |
Their soul abhorreth all manner of meat;
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| 19 |
Then they cry unto the LORD in their trouble,
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| 20 |
He sent his word, and healed them,
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| 21 |
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness,
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| 22 |
And let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving,
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| 23 |
They that go down to the sea in ships,
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| 24 |
these see the works of the LORD,
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| 25 |
For he commandeth, and raiseth the stormy wind,
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| 26 |
They mount up to the heaven,
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| 27 |
They reel to and fro,
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| 28 |
Then they cry unto the LORD in their trouble,
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| 29 |
He maketh the storm a calm,
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| 30 |
Then are they glad because they be quiet;
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| 31 |
Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness,
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| 32 |
Let them exalt him also in the congregation of the people,
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| 33 |
He turneth rivers into a wilderness,
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| 34 |
a fruitful land into barrenness,
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| 35 |
He turneth the wilderness into a standing water,
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| 36 |
And there he maketh the hungry to dwell,
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| 37 |
and sow the fields, and plant vineyards,
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| 38 |
He blesseth them also, so that they are multiplied greatly;
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| 39 |
Again, they are minished and brought low
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| 40 |
He poureth contempt upon princes,
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| 41 |
Yet setteth he the poor on high from affliction,
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| 42 |
The righteous shall see it, and rejoice:
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| 43 |
Whoso is wise, and will observe these things,
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I didn't go anywhere after that. I was amazed. Once again, I knew there was a God. Eventually, I'd go back. God was always there for me. It seems that today I am receiving God's loving-kindness despite all my wrong-doings.
Okay, I think I’m done. It’s Friday Night. I’m going to the Mission with Hefe Grande to vistit his familia to celebrate Cinco De Mayo. I hope I can get my camera out of my locker! Let Go Luke. Hefe Grande tells me, “Diablo knows you are strong”. I feel really spiritual right now. I probably sound insane.
I love these guys. One of them, we'll call him James Dean, just came into the learning center and non-sarcastically said, “Hey Dave, I thought it was really cool how you stepped up and took some ownership today and got that freezer fixed.” Thanks.
All my life I've been searching for something
Something never comes never leads to nothing
Nothing satisfies but I'm getting close
Closer to the prize at the end of the rope
All night long I dream of the day
When it comes around then it's taken away
Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most
The feeling comes to life when I see your ghost
Come down don't you resist
You have such a delicate wrist
And if I give it a twist
Something to hold when I lose my grip
Will I find something in there
To give me just what I need
Another reason to bleed
ONE BY ONE hidden up my sleeve
ONE BY ONE hidden up my sleeve
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keepin' me down
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keepin' me down
Will I find a believer
Another one who believes
Another one to deceive
Over and over down on my knees
If I get any closer
And if you open up wide
And if you let me inside
On and on I've got nothing to hide
On and on I've got nothing to hide
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keepin' me down
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keepin' me down
All my life I've been searching for something
Something never comes never leads to nothing
Nothing satisfies but I'm getting close
Closer to the prize at the end of the rope
All night long I dream of the day
When it comes around then it's taken away
Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most
The feeling comes to life when I see your ghost, and
I'm done, done and I'm onto the next one [x8, then x4 but yelling]
Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keeping me down [x2]
[yelling]
Done done and onto the next one
Done I'm done and I'm onto the next
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