Awake

(I wrote this blog July 4th, 2012)

I had a pretty good 4th of July.  I'm having a frustrating evening.  It's because I lost a blog I wrote and really wanted to post it tonight.  By the time everyone reads this they will already have read everything else that precedes this blog.  I'm just very confused. I really love the guys at CityTeam - including Barry Bonds whose kind of giving me a hard time lately.  He knows he can.  He is also doing it of out of hard love.

He doesn't really know everything I do while there or while I  am away. It really is for others.  Do I want to be happy?  Of course.  Sitting around watching movies or playing dominos doesn't make me happy - especially when people make fun of me or give me a hard time for something.  I like doing what I do.  I write this for others.  God knows I have a big ego, but I also have low self-esteem.  I know this blog is about me, but that's not what it's about.  

When program hours are over at CityTeam, I'm gone.  I do things with some of the guys if they want to.  Me and The King take bike rides.  Some of the guys go to brainwash with me.  If they wanted to run with me, they can.  I try to run at least six miles a day.  That takes time.  So does writing this blog.  This blog matters.  I need to get caught up.

I don't really want to talk about how I feel.  Susan's husband is in town.  At least he's helping her.  I'm at Denny's.  I thought I'd never come here again, but it is the only place open with WIFI since it's the fourth.  Denney's was Susan my restaurant since our honeymoon in San Francisco.  We hit just about every Denny's from here to San Diego.  The one I am at Mission and Fourth, we visited often.  The wifi is useless.  Wait, not it's not, duh.

I'm so confused.  It's not really worth explaining the details.  I really am trying to help people.  Including people at CityTeam.  Other than running, I don't do much for myself.  That's kind of how it's suppose to be I think. This blog helps me.  Taking photos helps me. 

It's so hard for me when people like Barry Bonds says things to me when I come in late like, "Nice of you to join us."  Or "Look everyone, it's the new guy!"  The other day, when I was walking away, he said, "You just like runnin da streets!"  I used to.  That's really not what I am doing.  Well, I am, but not like that anymore.

I've been through hell.  Not everyone wants to hear about it and I understand.  Sometimes I just need to get away.  Sometimes I just need to write.  Sometimes I just need to run - for me.  I am trying to give back to The Universe for all it has done for me.  I shouldn't even be alive.

So now, I have been made to be the lead in the evening, forcing me to be there.  It's probably about my turn to do so, I don't know.  I'm already the driver.  I love it, but it's kind of demanding.  I'm lead here Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. The two other guys are leads the other two nights, and that's their only job.   I still need to live by my old saying.  Those who have been given much, much will be expected.  I beleive I have likely been given more grace by God than anyone here.  

I don't mind being there to help the guys - especially once this blog is caught up to date.  I really love a lot of them.  I'll have to deal with some a _ _ holes, but that's not why I'm not there.  I like to run, write, bike ride, take photos, visit my friends who are not in the program.  I spend plenty of time at CityTeam. I have such high energy it drives some people there nuts anyway.




(My first night as lead, I was trying to help The Prince because he has a tooth ache.  I had been told that CityTeam San Jose has dentist come in the third Saturday of the month and Jonathon even told me I could people there for that.  When The Prince said this to Barry Bonds, Barry Bonds, said, "Man, he ain't takin you all the way to San Jose!"  To be fair to him, he was suggesting The Prince go to a clinic in San Francisco.  It was more about the way in which he said it like I was an idiot.  This of course gave Suave a chance to laugh and shake his head like I was an idiot.  It doesn't really bother me that much, but it just gets old.)

A lot of the guys really do love me.  I really do love them.  I do so much.  CityTeam - including Barry Bonds tells me to slow down and then ask me to do a hundred things.  I have to stay busy.  I'm worried they are going to take my computer.  I can see that coming next.  I do a lot of work for Jonathon, but some of the guys are already asking me, "Why do you have a computer?"  I only use it for writing and photography.  I need those things.  I'll make it if they take it, but I hope they don't.  (At least this blog is up to date.  I'll at least ask if I can let it be known that I won't be on her for a while.  I know someone might worry if I disappeared.  I'm tired of worrying people.  In fact one of my old friends from Loveland and I were talking about that last night.  She meant if I relapsed but how would anyone know if they take my computer?  They probably won't).

I'm really in a lot of pain right now.  I had a bad bike wreck.  I shouldn't have been taking pictures of young naked ladies butts on their bikes.  This really made Jonathon mad at me.  I was just telling him the truth.  I found it artistic.  Maybe I liked the shock value.  It's so San Francisco.  They were hot.  That's probably why I have broken or bruised ribs.  I think I am going to stop running for a couple of days.  I didn't run for the two days after the accident, but started back up a few days ago.  After running a little tonight, I was in a lot of pain.  Deep breaths were not working.

I'm going to the mountains this weekend. I don't think there's is much the doctor can do, but I want to make sure it gets better  before I leave, so I am going to take it easy for a couple of days.  I guess that means no running.  That sucks.  I need to be more mindful of my actions.  Being irresponsible has taken away some things that help me.  Things seem to compound like that.

One thing I really can't do is sit ups! Those really hurt.  My roommates tell me I moan and groan all night since the injury.  It hurts.
 
I know some of these guys worry about me.  They also need me.  Today we went to Golden Gate Park.  It was a lot of fun  I have the cell phone since I am the driver.  Every time I walked away to the bathroom, Johnathon called and said, "David, Where are you?"  I hate being kept track of.  I guess the last time I was in a bathroom at Golden Gate Park before today was to shoot up. Perhaps I should appreciate the tough love from these guys.  All they see is I am away.  They don't know that my being away to help others, including myself helps the pain I'm in.  I already spend enough time in my head because I have to stay in bed from 10:00 to 6:00 and I sleep about 5 hours a night (which is better than about 3 as before).  I was recently reading how many who have been through war will always have a hard time sleeping.   I listen to music and pray a lot during those waking hours.   I know I need to learn to relax or slowdown as they tell me, but for now, I can't be stuck in my head.

Today, I drove, I cooked out at Golden Gate Park.  I took photos of the guys playing volleyball. I wish I could have played, but my ribs.  I also helped the cooks when we got back.  The guy who used to be a cop in Afghanistan, said, "You are an honest person.  You are my friend.  I was a police officer for years.  I can tell honest people."   I want to be his friend.  

I really do care about a lot of people.  Some of these guys won't even give me a chance to explain all I try to do or they just won't get it.  They just give me a hard time for what the perceive.  I wish they could all see what the man I'm going to call Mohamad does - because despite my faults, that's who I really am.   

I have to get back to CityTeam, because I'm lead tonight.  It's frustrating.

Wait another minute.
Can't you see what this pain has fucking done to me.
I'm alive and still kicking.
What you see I can't see and maybe
You'll think before you speak.
I'm alive. for you,
I'm awake. Because of you,
I'm alive. I told you,
I'm awake swallowing you alive!

Take another second.
Turn your back on me and make believe, that
You're always happy.
It's safe to say you're never alive.
A big part of you has died and by the way,
I hope you're satisfied.

I'm alive. For you,
I'm awake. Because of you,
I'm alive. I told you,
I'm awake swallowing you alive!
For you, I'm awake
Because of you,
I'm alive. I told you I'm awake.

Tearing it back unveiling me.
Taking a step back so I can breathe.
Hear the silence about to break.
Fear resistance when I'm awake.

Tearing it back unveiling me.
Taking a step back so I can breathe.
Hear the silence about to break.
Fear resistance when I'm awake.

Alive for you.
I'm awake, because of you
I'm alive, I told you
I'm awake swallowing you
I'm alive, i told you
I'm awake
Because of you
I'm alive, I told you I'm awake

Swallowing you alive