I Left My Heart in San Francisco

I've written in recent blogs how I fall in love with the first pretty girl who smiles at me lately.  I do.  I guess I'm just lonely and confused.  I've never really been single.  For as often as I fall in love, I do want to be single.  It is important that I be for a while.  I can never rely on someone to take care of me ever again in any form.

I have to be 100% self efficient.  I really enjoy and love my female friends.  They really do help me in times of need.  I hate being so needy! I know in the part of my mind that holds reality that a relationship is not really something that makes sense - for any of us.  It's just who couldn't fall in love with these beautiful and kind ladies.  They all have there own set of circumstances that don't make a relationship between us feasible.  I will always respect there friendships more than anything.   I guess that's a relationship!

I was always in love with Susan when I was clean.  We were always best friends.  In some ways, since she is still in San Francisco, she still kind of is.  I guess I know I'm losing that.  

I couldn't stay clean.  I lusted for the darkness of crystal meth and Susan had to throw me out and divorce me.  She moved on.  I still held on once I got clean again - then she got pregnant and married.

Now, it's the next pretty girl that smiles at me.  It is more than that.  I do love these ladies. What little I have known them, they have all been there for me to some extent.  It all matters.  I'm pretty messed up in the head.  I'm trying to make sense. 

I also love many of the guys in the program.  However my female friends being female does makes a difference.  When it comes down to it, I know I need to be single for a while.   

I appreciate what I have with my female friends.  I'm trying to be brutally honest for all the right reasons, but I want to respect others feelings and privacy.   This blog seems to be something.  I have to remain focused on what it really is. It's not about me.

I have recently realized that the love of my life seems to be San Francisco.  "She" and I have a very turbulent relationship.  She is beautiful and kind.  She makes me cry and She makes me laugh.  She makes me smile.  She is brutally honest.  She cares about so many.  She takes in everyone.    She is sexy.  She can be very naughty.  She, as I have said in the past, is Heaven and hell on earth.  Sounds like a love affair.

Susan used to say years ago that when I died here, she might write a book called, "I left my heart in San Francisco"  That always made me sad.  For now, I'll keep my heart in San Francsico!  I love Her.  I think She loves me.  I owe Her a lot.  I plan on  doing a lot for Her. 

I want to live on a boat!   Or, maybe I'll be fortunate enough to have a place with a view like the home I was in today.  Surfer dude and I had to drive to Diamond Heights to pick up some donations.  As usual, it was a beautiful day in my city by the bay.  We ended up helping the guy who coordinates the donations from the grocery store, move a table at his home in Twin Peaks. I didn't realize we'd be going to his awesome home!

View from his Twin Peaks porch

His porch!

From Diamond Heights

Not sure what's up with the Hawaiian dancers, but there are some nice scenery shots in this video.  Many of the scenes actually make me sad - especially of the Golden Gate Bridge and Coit Tower.  It's still a beautiful city.

The loveliness of Paris seems somehow sadly gay
The glory that was Rome is of another day
I've been terribly alone and forgotten in Manhattan
I'm going home to my city by the Bay

I left my heart in San Francisco
High on a hill, it calls to me
To be where little cable cars climb halfway to the stars
The morning fog may chill the air, I don't care

My love waits there in San Francisco
Above the blue and windy sea
When I come home to you, San Francisco
Your golden sun will shine for me