Wheels

(I think I wrote this blog 5-29)

Susan has had to deal with this blog long enough in her life.  She was the editor for many years.  She was a lot more than that.  I am going to try to give her the privacy she deserves in life.  I'm glad I can be there for her now.  I may still write about the past.  This may include her.  I'll try to leave her out of this blog for the most part otherwise going forward.  A lot of guys at CityTeam tell me to shut up about her anyway.  Some tell me to shut up period.  Sometimes they're right.  Sometimes, the truth hurts.

Susan and I get along great, but I know I can move on now and we are both getting closure.  Reality is hard.  I'll leave it at that.  I will always care about her and be there for her any way I can.  

Not everyone wants there life to be an open book like me.  I need to try to always respect this with others.  My belief is that God knows all anyway and who cares what everyone else thinks.  I'm not saying there is not a place for privacy or that people need to share everything with everyone.  I haven't exactly told everyone just how messed up I really was in my addiction.  I may.  Everything done in the dark comes to the light.  It's still hard for me to accept my own messed up behavior.  I shot a crazy drug in a crazy city.

I care about people.  I'm not perfect.  I've had a really hard week.  Really hard, but I'm still clean. I can't really talk about it. I don't really want to talk about it either.  It's not just about me is all.  I'm learning that this is what prayer is for.  It has to be.  It has to be.

Two of my favorite brothers at CityTeam left the program -  Hefe Grande and Zack Attack.  I know I'll be in touch with Zack Attack and that he's okay.  He just moved out.  He's got seven months clean and a job.  He decided to get a place of his own.  CityTeam is a hard place to be.  

I like that kid.  I pray he'll be fine, however, he is young, he's got his own place in San Francisco, I'm co-dependent!  It was just something about having someone here from my area of the country was nice.  He was born in Richmond, Indiana where my brother, Bob lives.   He spent his last few years before coming here in Indianapolis.  He's just a good kid.  He does have a brother here and recovery connections here.

My new "Best Friend" as Hefe used to like to say about everyone with a grinning smile in his spanish accent never came home the other night.  That really sucked.  That's just what we do.  I did that so many times.  Here, you get one chance.  Susan gave me many.

He's one of the best people I have met in such a long time.  It was hard for me to find out.  It was harder when one of the assholes here made his little comment and gesture about someone who thought was his friend while I happened to be looking.  I doubt you'll read this but if you do....  I don't like to feel this way about anyone - including you.  I pray for you and do care about you, but you need to focus on your own problems instead of making fun of someone who relapsed who cared about you.  

I need to get away from that. 

I feel he was losing a little in translation.  I pray Hefe will be okay and we can still be as he we always liked to refer to each other - hermanos (brothers).

Yet another brother of mine had to leave today also. Rudy tested dirty.  CityTeam rules are that you cannot come back for thirty days if that happens.  They gave Rudy some grace today.  He has to go to detox and will be back.  If any man here deserves another chance, it's him.  About a month ago he threatened kick my ass.  A lot has changed since then.  He really has grown.  I hope I have too.  I really do like him.

Speaking of someone threatening to kick my ass.  I had this crazy incredible hulk guy swinging at me today at the rec center - for just being there!  I imagine he was just getting out of prison and he was politicking.  I was leaving anyway, but I didn't hang around.  I felt like a bigger (little) man to walk away!  He started by acting like he was going to hit me with a 50 pound dumbbell in his hand.  I thought he was trying show me how to do curls or something until he put it down and swung at me, stopping just before my face.  I didn't flinch and stared at him until he walked away - stupid!  

I should have reported him, but the guys were waiting for me and I was still trying to sort it all out in my head.  Was he crazy?  Yes.  The only thing I regret is that it might support that behavior by not reporting him.  I was happy to walk away from this monster of a man!  I hate anger and violence.

All the way back I worried about you know who.  This isn't that bad of a neighborhood - especially where she lives a block away.  It works that way in cities - especially this one.  There are million dollar condos right next to $800 a month (that's nothing in this city) piss-in-the-sink tweakard, drunkard and cracked out hotels.

I've had so much going on this last week in my life.  By the end of the week, I started getting really sick.  I had a fever, a headache and was so nausea's.  I was so warn down.  I was up all night - miserable.  I hadn't felt that way since I was homeless.  I was grateful to have a roof over my head. 

I don't even know what all I just said is worth anyway.  I know I created a lot of damage with my use.  I knew it was going to be hard dealing with the damage of my past.  I just didn't think things would continue to get harder.  Again, at least I know something I already knew - it's over for me and Susan.  I already knew that.  I said it in my last blog - there is a silver lining.  I think I wrote in the past that I had been praying for God's will for Susan.  I'll try leave her out of this.  I just care about her.

I know what you're thinkin'  

We were goin' down 

I can feel the sinkin' 

But then I came around
And everyone I've loved before 

Flashed before my eyes

And nothin' mattered anymore 

I looked into the sky
Well I wanted something better man 

I wished for something new  

And I wanted something beautiful 

And wish for something true

Been lookin' for a reason man Something to lose
 

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)  

When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)  

And you feel like it's all over  

There's another round for you  

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
 

Know your head is spinnin' 

Broken hearts will mend 

This is our beginning 

Comin to an end
Well, you wanted something better man 

You wished for something new 

Well, you wanted something beautiful  

Wished for something true  

Been lookin for a reason man Something to lose

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)  When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)  

And you feel like it's all over  

There's another round for you  

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)