Terrapin Station

(I think I wrote this blog June 15th, 2012)

I'm having a really hard time.  I feel like a big baby about "having  hard time", but I don't know what else to say.  My having a hard time does not stop some of the guys at CityTeam relentless pounding on my every little mistake.  It doesn't even involve them for one and even if I am doing something wrong I'm not trying to.   People don't have to be so damn ruthless about everything.

I know I am probably over sensitive about everything right now. I also know I don't treat people the way they treat me - even when they are really doing something wrong.  The thing I've unfortunately learned at CityTeam is you can't really be vulnerable or too honest about your feelings.  That's seen as a weakness to some (not all).  So I've tried to learn to set my boundaries and put up for myself.  For the past couple of weeks, I've just been beat down by the reality my addiction has created.  I've had a hard time.  The relentless people treat me like a predator would treat a wounded animal.

My mind is so messed up.  I'm losing everything.  I lost my wallet, my keys, my iPod.  People like to let me know what an idiot I am too.  I just don't really care about any of it.  I'll probably lose my GA.  I could do something this weekend to help me to not lose it, but I am being sent to the Santa Cruz Mountains and I just don't have the energy to deal with it anymore.  I'm tired of loopholes and technicalities and doing the same thing over and over again for nothing.  It's probably not even that hard to deal with, but I don't really feel like dealing with it.  

I feel so numb.  I think I'm just depressed.   I don't have the energy to take care of all of the things in life I need to.  The things that give me any satisfaction is all the hard work I do at CityTeam, but it is also tiring sometimes.  I do get a lot of respect from a lot of good guys for it.  I currently facilitate two groups at CityTeam.  It's the only thing I do I really feel good about because I'm helping others.  The guys in my groups are great guys.  They respect and support me also.  I don't even talk much about what's really hard for me.  I don't talk much about the "crap" at CityTeam either, but some of them just see it and let me know they care.  I do appreciate that.

I have 90 days clean today.  I am grateful, but it hurts too.  Last time I had 90 days, Susan was so happy.  She really believed I would stay clean.  I remember, I did too, but her counting on me scared me.  I always let people down.  Other people were also counting on me back then.  This scared me.  I let them down too.  More people are counting on me now.

I know I've fought my way out of hell.  I have fought my way out of hell many times in the past.  I've been wearing that hat my dad bought me before the insanity of his death.  Actaully it's not the original it's the replacement that Susan bought me.  I lost the one my dad bought me when I was getting the shit beat out of me and pistol whipped three months after my dad died.  I knew one of us would. I was not going to let his death get me clean!  It almost got me killed.  Susan cared about me so much. I'm not going back to hell!  I'm done with the dark side!  I believe that in my heart.  I do.  I pray.  

I'm not worried I'm going to relapse, I just don't know why I had to lose everything and make such a mess.  I had someone who loved me so much for so long and I could not stop using.  Now, all I want is to be loved.  I've always had issues with love.  I've said before, I have abandonment issues.  I know God will never abandon me as long as I don't abandon him.  

I'm actually at Susan's right now.  She is sleeping on the couch.  She just woke up and said, "Where am I?  Am I in San Francisco?"  It's going to be hard when she's gone, but I'll be glad when she's back home with her family - away from my sickness.

 

I can't wait to get to the mountains tomorrow.  Tomorrow night, I'm going to lay out in the field at MayMac and stare up into the stars.  Into the Universe.  Into the Heavens.

 

I can't find my photo I took of the stars.  I'm at MayMac as I'm post this blog (7-12-1012 at 12:41AM) so I could go take one, but I'm too tired.  Besides this picture of this big rock I took yesterday at 5:00 AM looks pretty cool!

I don't really want to tell the whole story, but, this morning, I had to run all over the place.  I helped Susan.  I ran to the bay and back with Phil.  I went to look for my keys and iPod I lost at GA which was of course not turned in to security.  I didn't have keys to get into CityTeam.  This, of course bothered people.  I was questioned about if I was really at GA.  I've never lied about my whereabouts! I was sarcastically made fun of because I had to be let in the door this morning.  I was asked, "Hey, do you need to use the phone too?"  by someone who told me I wasn't the secretary when I helped out by answering the phone one time.  I couldn't get what I needed for our class because I was locked out of my room because I lost my keys and can't get a copy of my key made because I lost my wallet.  All this before 8:15 AM.  I couldn't take a shower because I didn't have time.  While in our anger management class this morning I sat there with my arm up over my head and smelled my underarm body oder.  Ironically, this created my best memory of the day - A Grateful Dead Concert.  

My head drifted away to a better time in my life.  Although there were a lot of drugs in The Grateful Dead community, there was a lot of love in that community.  Those days many years ago opened my eyes to the idea that there really was something amazing out there.

Terrapin Station was one of my favorite songs to hear the dead play live.  It is beautiful.  I never dreamed it could be a song that could actually speak to my reality.  Maybe I'm just having a flashback.

Lady with a Fan

Let my inspiration flow in token rhyme, suggesting rhythm,
That will not forsake you, till my tale is told and done.
While the firelight's aglow, strange shadows from the flames will grow,
Till things we've never seen will seem familiar.

Shadows of a sailor, forming winds both foul and fair all swarm.
Down in Carlisle, he loved a lady many years ago.
Here beside him stands a man, a soldier from the looks of him,
Who came through many fights, but lost at love.

While the story teller speaks, a door within the fire creaks;
Suddenly flies open, and a girl is standing there.
Eyes alight, with glowing hair, all that fancy paints as fair,
She takes her fan and throws it, in the lion's den.

Which of you to gain me, tell, will risk uncertain pains of hell?
I will not forgive you if you will not take the chance.
The sailor gave at least a try, the soldier being much too wise,
Strategy was his strength, and not disaster.

The sailor, coming out again, the lady fairly leapt at him.
That's how it stands today. You decide if he was wise.
The story teller makes no choice. Soon you will not hear his voice.
His job is to shed light, and not to master.

Since the end is never told, we pay the teller off in gold,
In hopes he will come back, but he cannot be bought or sold.

Terrapin Station

Inspiration, move me brightly. Light the song with sense and color;
Hold away despair, more than this I will not ask.
Faced with mysteries dark and vast, statements just seem vain at last.
Some rise, some fall, some climb, to get to Terrapin.

Counting stars by candlelight, all are dim but one is bright;
The spiral light of Venus, rising first and shining best,
On, from the northwest corner, of a brand new crescent moon,
While crickets and cicadas sing a rare and different tune,
Terrapin Station.

In the shadow of the moon, Terrapin Station.
And I know we'll get there soon, Terrapin Station.
I can't figure out, Terrapin, if it's the end or beginning, Terrapin,
But the train's put its brakes on, Terrapin,
And the whistle is screaming, TERRAPIN.

Terrapin Station - At the Siding

While you were gone, these faces filled with darkness.
The obvious was hidden. With nothing to believe in,
The compass always points to Terrapin.

Sullen wings of fortune beat like rain.
You're back in Terrapin for good or ill again, for good or ill again.