Brain Damage

(I wrote this one somewhere around 7/29/2013)

When I think back, I don't even know where I was back when I was using and forced myself to be with people - even at 12 step recovery meetings.  It was truly as if this entire city was aware of me and everything I did for the past 10 years.  It was really as if I was in a parallel universe.  Everyone around me was fed up with all the insane commotion I was bringing to this city and they verbally let me know this one way or another - IN REALITY!

I will likely focus on this a lot in the future.  I sometimes tell people about the voices and the parallel universe and the devil, aka "the big bad wolf", as he was known during my last relapse.  When I tell people how I was dragging my loved ones down into the darkness with me and they say, "you know that wasn't real, right?"  The answer - "It was for me!"  So much so that I jumped off a rooftop to kill myself and stop hurting the ones I loved in that universe.  This would allow the insane darkness I was applying to my loved ones to stop.  Was my suicide attempt real to everyone?  If something is real to you, isn't it real to me?  If something is real to me, isn't it real to you?

Allowing the devil to consume my soul and making a "deal" for my families souls was just too painful, creepy and scary.  The government tried as well.  After all, President Obama, in actual reality, did have a lot to do with me getting clean last time.  I literally and physically saw him waving to everyone from the back of his limo one morning when I was homeless.  Anyone who has read the beginning of my blog, Standing on the Moon, might remember how I was inspired to start writing again after almost a year and a half of being absent from the world.  I was newly divorced and had been homeless for 6 months.  I had lost nearly everything.  

Once I started dealing with the big bad wolf and also had President Obama involved, he was very interested as to how this whole "soul consumption" process would occur.  The government offered to neutralize my body with radio active microwave rays from a satellite.  It's as if I had gone back to the days of "The New World Order" and Tesla's creations.  This goes way back to the days before I was even on BlogSpot.  I may republish all of them some day.  I could do a prequel of sorts.

The rays from the satellite would shrink and crush my body to absolutely nothing.  They use this on their own spies who are captured and about to be tortured for information.  I assumed these spies believed they were heading somewhere good.  Or, at least no where at all and did not want to suffer and give up valuable information.  It was incredibly painful.  I could feel pressure throughout my entire body, especially my face.  I would hear my skull start to crackle.  It was so painful and freaky that I could never go through with the whole thing.

Something like this?

As everyone knows, the devil is not one to make deals with.  Obama once helped me just by being here .  I was not helping him by continuing to be in his head all the time when I relapsed and kept using.  I had to go.  What good is a crazy drug/sex addict in The Presidents head?  None.  I even realize this today.  Plus, I was dealing with the devil.  Having the devil in ones head will put them in hell.  Obama was now on his way.  He's the President!  If the devil could now access his head, then....  Way too much! 

The end of the world was coming if I did not stop.  I believe it was suppose to occur April, 1st 2013.  I had done too much damage.  Thankfully, for all of us, I put a stop to the insanity.  I think I'm joking.  It was so real to me.  If it was real to me, then wouldn't it have been real to you?   Hmm?  It was real to me....

All I ever had to do was stop using.  I can see that now.  Actually, that is what I did.  Thanks to God, I am still here.  Hell would have been "never ending".  The big bad wolf put it in these terms himself.  Those days were so dark.  I will be forever grateful that I am alive. 

That big bad wolf was creepier then one can possibly imagine.  He is super creepy.  He is after us all.    He'll never give up on me.  That's sad.  That's reality.

My existence would have been a never ending repeat of nightmarish scenes.  I was going to have to deal with everyone I ever hurt and brought to hell with me.  Whether they were really there or not for them, I never knew.  In my existence, they would have been.  Many of the voices in my head had been there waiting for me for so long.  It was exponentially longer than my time that was passing on earth.  That's they way hell works I guess.  My existence would have been a never ending nightmare of pain and suffering brought on by so many that I hurt.  It would have "never ended" for me. 

Thank God I survived that jump.  Literally.  I am forever grateful and intend to do all I can to help God for the rest of my life and "forever"!  I plan on an "eternal" existence these days!  Thank you so much God for giving me yet another opportunity to get it right.  If God loves me, he loves you.  This I promise you.

 

The lunatic is on the grass
The lunatic is on the grass
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs
Got to keep the loonies on the path
The lunatic is in the hall
The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more
And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon
The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon