Comes A Time

(I wrote this blog 7/24/13)
 
For as difficult as things can be in this zoo, one thing I AM grateful for is my room.  It is small, but I have just one roommate.  He is on the top bunk.  I have turned my bottom bunk into a tent of sorts.  I have hung sheets and blankets down the side to help keep it dark and to give me a sense of privacy.
 
My roommate hardly speaks a word.  He is also a very neat and clean person like me.  I am learning that I have about a 50/50 chance of having a difficult roommate.  I hope he sticks around as long as I do. 
 
So far, today is going smoother than yesterday.  Yesterday, I had two ghetto gangster thugs using the phone and having no respect or gratitude for their phone use.  They acted like they owned this place.  I very nicely asked them to respect the posted 5 minute limit which they were both way over and both said I was doing it for my friends and threatened to kick my butt.  I have no idea who the people were behind them.  Rules are rules.  I haven't seen them yet today.  They probably left.

I really don't like feeling the way I feel here.  When the bad starts to outweigh the good, I really start to seriously consider my possibilities to move on.  I hate to rush things, but....

Yesterday, coincidently enough, I got a call from the organization that is eventually going to provide me housing.  I got a call from my usual social worker there and from a woman who wants to "come by to review my living situation."  Like I always say, "There is no such thing as a coincidence."

While I've never really wanted to do residential, I did have a bit of a choice this time.  I could have probably went straight from the hospital to an apartment of some sorts if I wanted to - I think.  I would have had to advocate for myself, but that actually would have been easier than being in this place.  I thought it was very important that I go into rehab this time.  After all, a relapse is essentially a death sentence.

I now feel like I'd be better off in my own place doing and outpatient program and going to 12 step meetings.  It would be so much less hardcore drama to have to deal with, that's for sure.

I have a lot more issues this time than ever before.  Being perfectly healthy in an inpatient recovery program is hard enough.  Having all the disabilities and brain damage I do makes it extremely difficult.

I hate complaining all the time.  It is much more peaceful today.  Early in the week, this place is a lot more full of people just coming off the street from the weekend.  As the week moves forward, people leave.  I am heading in the right direction.  I look forward to the day when I can choose who to be around in more ways than I can now.  All of this crazy atmosphere I have to endure is making me stronger - this I know.

I know one thing, it sure beats my using days when I was the one on the street all the time.  Back when I'd "...Been walking all morning went walking all night.  I (couldn't) see much difference between the dark and light...."  I was so lost back then.  I knew there would "(Come) a time."  Actually, I didn't know.  I hoped.  I prayed.  I knew it was something "Only love (could) fill."  That love has gratefully come from so many.  That love came from God.

I miss my computer!   It's coming.  So is everything I've dreamed of for years now.  Those dreams are coming.  Life is going to show back up - thank you God!  "Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?   Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe.
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,
Only love can fill.

Been walking all morning went walking all night
I can't see much difference between the dark and light
And I feel the wind and I taste the rain
Never in my mind to cause so much pain.

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe.
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,
Only love can fill.

From day to day just letting it ride.
You get so far away from how it feels inside.
You can't let go cause you're afraid to fall,
But the day may come when you can't feel at all.

The words come out like an angry stream.
You hear yourself say things you could never mean.
When you cool down you find your mind.
You got a lot of words you've got to stand behind.

Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe.
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,
Only love can fill, only love can fill, only love can fill.