Jerusalem

(I wrote this blog 7/6)

I am starting to hate this place. It’s my fellow residents. I messed up so much by relapsing. I knew how hard it was for me to be in a place like this. People constantly mess with me or give me a hard time about nothing.

I started my new job function here. I was told I will work 9 to 12 hours per week. This week, I will have worked at least 16 ½. I say "at least" because I’m filling in for my last shift right now. So far, every one of my shift replacements have been a half hour late. Or, I should say, it takes me that long to find them. I like doing this job, but it does irritate me when people are late.

Also, when I have worked shifts that happen at a time during lunch or dinner, it has not been easy for me to get someone to sit in for me so I can eat. We are supposed to ask someone who does this job to do this for us. In fact, the first two people I have asked wouldn’t.

The Manager, otherwise known as The Ramrod, of this position told me that if anyone said no to write their names down. I have not been here very long and do not know many names. The first person I asked said, “I haven’t eaten yet.” I said, “Okay, could you do it after you do?” He said something about his head and that he could not. I asked him his name and he walked away. The second person, who I had already once filled in for, said no. He said he didn’t feel good.

I volunteered to work 4:00 to 7:00 tonight. One of the times we get medication is 4:00. At 3:55, I came to the desk and told the woman working that I would be up as soon as I got my medication. She said, “Uh-Uh! (As in NO!) I need to get my meds!” I said, “You can get yours when I relieve you. I’ll be fast.”

I went down to get my meds. The rule here is that if you are working, you get to go to the front of the line. People always do this. I let them know I had to work. Two guys gave hell. One of them was the guy who would not give me his name. They said that I should have gotten there 45 minutes ago. The truth is, no one is usually in ling at 4:00 and I just volunteered to take that shift. I told them that many people had gotten in front of me before who were working and I’ve never said a word. I’ve always understood. They would not let up. One said, “It was supposed to be funny.” I didn’t bother ever turning around to say another word. The head games never end in this place.

I took my one pill very quickly. I normally take it at 11:30, but today I was sleeping. When I got back to start work, it was 4:02. The woman who was not okay with me taking my medication was talking about me. As I walked up, I overheard her saying, “He better hurry up!” I didn’t say a word. She left, leaving a bunch of her garbage on the desk. I like things neat.

I threw away her empty cup and empty water bottle. I put her un-open can of soda in my bag – basically, off the desk and out of the way.

She came back about 15 minutes later asking, “Where is my cup?” I told her I was just cleaning up. I grabbed her soda out of my bag, which was right next to the trash can. She said, “You stole my soda? Watcha taken my soda for?”

Recovery is hard enough without having to deal with people like this. I messed up so bad. I put myself in this place. Life sucks bad enough. There are some nice people here. I really struggle with putting up with people who start crap with me.

I need to get on my own and stay that way. I knew this place this would be like this, but, people are even worse than I thought. I may be in a place like this for 6 months after this 45 day program I am currently in. All I am doing is being a good person. I am volunteering to work for people. I don't even complain to or about the people who are late.

So many people here act ridiculous. My life is hard enough to deal with. I can't really write much more. I'm so depressed right now.

A very nice elderly lady who I was just nice to by saying, “Hi. How are you doing?” just asked me if I wanted to take a break. She is an alumni who volunteers every Sunday. It's Saturday. It's 4:58 – almost dinner time. I slept through lunch. Since it's Saturday, we are allowed to rest during the day. I am exhausted. I am also hungry. I am also grateful for this nice little lady. I plan on avoiding just about everyone. I need to figure out how to handle the difficult people.

Now, the woman who accused me of stealing her soda just came up to me and “set things right.” She said she liked me and could see that I was a strong person. I am alive.

“I believe that one fine day, all the children of Abraham, will lay down in peace together in, Jerusalem.” 

I woke up this mornin' and none of the news was good
And death machines were rumblin' 'cross the ground where Jesus stood
And the man on my TV told me that it had always been that way
And there was nothin' anyone could do or say

And I almost listened to him
Yeah, I almost lost my mind
Then I regained my senses again
And looked into my heart to find

That I believe that one fine day all the children of Abraham
Will lay down their swords forever in Jerusalem

Well maybe I'm only dreamin' and maybe I'm just a fool
But I don't remember learnin' how to hate in Sunday school
But somewhere along the way I strayed and I never looked back again
But I still find some comfort now and then

Then the storm comes rumblin' in
And I can't lay me down
And the drums are drummin' again
And I can't stand the sound

But I believe there'll come a day when the lion and the lamb
Will lie down in peace together in Jerusalem

And there'll be no barricades then
There'll be no wire or walls
And we can wash all this blood from our hands
And all this hatred from our souls

And I believe that on that day all the children of Abraham
Will lay down their swords forever in Jerusalem