The One I Love

(I wrote this blog July 10, 2013)

Wow, it looks as though I have already written so much. It’s important I slow down when I write. Otherwise, my handwriting sucks.  I have trouble reading it.

Sometimes, I just get in such a hurry. That’s the story of my life. I’m starting to believe I really may be here for a reason. This doesn’t mean I’m some one special or I’ll be famous; I will just be what I’ll be to those few who read this and those I care about. I hope I am something – to others. That matters a lot to me. I failed to be what I was supposed to be "to the one I love." I must commit my life that was once saved by her to do and be something for others. That’s what may make it all a good thing for me – and for her.

Doing Good may even make me feel Good. That is what God is all about.

I have such a hard time being in San Francisco these days. This was The City of “our” dreams. I proposed to Susan here. I proposed to her at Coit Tower. I don’t think I’ll ever go up there again. We honeymooned here. We visited here so many times before we finally moved here. I got the job of my dreams here. She saved my life here. We got divorced here and I ended up homeless - here. It’s no wonder I attempted suicide. It wasn’t really about all of those things though.

That parallel Universe I existed was getting way to close reality. I was pulling my loved ones down into the darkness with me. I was unable to allow my soul to be consumed by the devil. Nor could I have my body crushed by the governments satellite that aimed it’s deadly rays at me a few times after I continued to involve our President in my mess.

If you read the first blog I wrote back when I was homeless and newly divorced, you know how our President in some ways helped me get clean. That blog was called Standing onthe Moon. In the parallel Universe, Mr. Obama was always curious just how that devil, a.k.a. “the big bad wolf” as he was called this last time, was going to consume my soul. The President was in my head quite a few times. I especially remember one night in the Presidio when he and the big bad wolf were in my head. Years ago, I believed The Presidio was New World Order Headquarters. That amazingly beautiful place that is half government and half private entity is something - that is for sure.

I was making deals for my loved ones souls with the devil. I was trying to help them, however when dealing with the devil with something as valuable as a soul, I wasn’t helping anyone. I couldn’t even speak or make sense, much less deal with someone’s soul. I was trying to help them by offering mine. The problem was, mine wasn’t worth much. There were way too many people involved for me to help with my life. My life would have made some difference if the big bad wolf was responsible for my soul consumption. I would have had to follow all of “their” instructions. After a while, they just needed me in the most remote place possible. I tried Golden Gate Park, The Presidio and even my own room, but always shook it off before it could occur. The process began many times. It was way too painful – and creepy!

Eventually, in order to stop hurting my loved ones in the Parallel Universe that was way too connected to reality, I decided to kill myself. I was going straight to hell – that I knew. The other souls could at least have a chance to do for themselves. God would be there for them. I had failed. Even my dad let me know that I needed to stop harming others. That part was so hard. I always tried to tune out his voice. If I were not so wrong, things would have been different.

I do believe it was God’s will for me to survive. My suicide attempt was not Gods Will. It was so wrong, however, it was unselfish. In some minuscule ways, I was helping my loved ones – after bringing them down that is. I just needed it to stop. I cared too much about them. That’s all my dad asked of me. I even think that perhaps he may have helped everyone who cares about me in a strange round about way. It’s all so backwards, but if I stay clean from now on, no one will ever worry about me anymore. Nor will they have to get that call from the emergency room saying I’m dead or wonder what happened to me if I disappear. My loved ones have gotten too many of those types of calls already. I recently learned from my step-mother that my living was not a guarantee for the first few weeks.

I have put people through too much. I needed to be there for so many, not be so lost and make people worry. I’ve nearly died too many times. This last time was way too much. Some of my family didn’t even want to believe that I attempted suicide. They believed I fell. I ran into a good friend from my last program the other day - The King. He said, “I thought you fell!” I can’t believe it either. It wasn’t me. Some of my family figured that I might have attempted suicide. The person I become when using is so twisted. As insane as I become, I can never deny something that I found in my days of being lost – God.

Surviving and being clean has made me a much better person to all those I love. I am so much better off alive than dead. That is an understatement! My death would have meant a “never ending” trip to hell.  I'm pretty sure that term came from the devil himself.

Yesterday, I picked up my medical records for my Social Security appointment tomorrow. My goodness, I know I hurt myself, but WOW! I injured so many internal organs, including my brain. On the incredibly long list of injuries, my brain is listed as #1.   I was said to have, "Traumatic Brain Injury."  I broke two ribs on my right side and eight on my left. I shattered my left lower leg. I shattered both elbows. I shattered my lower back and broke my pelvis in two places. I broke my neck and collarbone. I cracked my skull. I lacerated my kidney, liver, spleen…. The list goes on and on and on....

I just did something I couldn’t do before. I turned on KFOG. The first song was REM, This One Goes Out Too The One I Love. The second was Tom Petty’s, Learning to Fly.... KFOG was always my “Godly” station. I have said for quite some time, “There is no such thing as coincidence.”

(8/22/13)

(Then apparently a song came on that says, “Now I’m rested and I’m ready. That’s all I wrote in my notebook. I am not exactly sure where or what song those words came from. This transcribing from a notebook is a lot of work! I usually end up adding to it also. As if these blogs aren’t long enough already. I appreciate when people read them. I know it all sounds insane sometimes, but it was all so real to me. It is all real, somehow. I have no idea where those voices came from, but they just told me too many things I needed to know before they happened for me to completely dismiss them. And, I heard my dads voice. The circumstances were not good, but apparently he’s somewhere. Things were way to crazy back then for me to understand all that. I was always so ashamed of myself and tried to tune him out - under the circumstances.)

…God’s way of communicating is so much more subtle. I am feeling better all ready. Thank you God.

I’ve been having pretty clear memories of the days leading up to my suicide attempt. As I’ve said recently, I think, I was supposed to find my way to the wilderness many times to have my soul consumed by and into the darkness.

That’s a long way from San Francisco – the wilderness. This is the second densest city in the country behind New York City. This city does have Golden Gate Park, Lands End and the Presidio. Those places have some incredibly remote areas. I used in them all the time. I also tried the whole “soul consumption” process in those areas a few times. Different ways for me to disappear almost happened in these areas many times over the years. Years ago, I was south of Ocean Beach where hang gliders launch. Back then, I was actually heading in to outer space. I would have watched the earth slowly shrink to nothing as I disappeared and starved to death. I may have even spoke to God that night. The voice claimed to be. It’s a very long story that I likely told many years ago in my blog.

At the end of last year, I tried Golden Gate Park a few times. Too many people were usually around. One night, however, I do remember the big bad wolf, which was the devil this time, got really close to me.

A few nights I made it to San Bruno Mountain. That was secluded enough, but I just wouldn’t cooperate with the soul consumption process. It was way to creepy and sometimes, it was very painful. Actually, it was painful when the government tried with their satellite ray gun a few times in my room. There way was to shrink my body to nothing. The big bad wolf was going to devour me by sucking my body into the ground until I made it to hell.  Once there he would rip me apart over and over and over and....  It was so terrifyingly creepy.  Either way, my body would have never been found. I am so glad I always chose to freak out and not allow these things to happen. I would never “lay still” enough, as the voices would instruct me to do. I am so glad to be here and have another chance.

I’m not sure that the REM song stuck with this blog. I guess Susan would agree with the “glad to be here part”. She was glad I survived. Every day I think of what so many did for me by having that fundraiser back in Cincinnati. So many mean so much to me.  Thank you.  I love you all!

 

 

 

This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I've left behind
A simple prop to occupy my time
This one goes out to the one I love

Fire (she's comin' down on her own, now)
Fire (she's comin' down on her own, now)

This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I've left behind
A simple prop to occupy my time
This one goes out to the one I love

Fire (she's comin' down on her own, now)
Fire (she's comin' down on her own, now)

This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one I've left behind
Another prop has occupied my time
This one goes out to the one I love

Fire (she's comin' down on her own, now)
Fire (she's comin' down on her own, now)
Fire (she's comin' down on her own, now)
Fire (she's comin' down on her own, now)