Today is Susan's birthday. I hope and pray she has a good one.
I am grateful to be alive. I NEED OUT OF THIS PLACE! It is full of negative energy. I can't really take it. The bad is really starting to outweigh the good. So many times I have attempted to be a kind "normal" person, and people are so rude to me.
It's not worth even explaining, but I probably will. I'm so tired of people here. If they are not telling me what to do or telling me I'm and asshole, they are telling me how the always had a crush on me and how "we're going to be in a room f***ing!"
This new guy will not leave me alone. He is out of his mind. This is a dual diagnosis facility, but in many ways, it's making me crazy. I remember him on the street, but I didn't know that's how he felt! I didn't even know he was gay.
Apparently, I am someone who is considered to have issues. I mean, I did jump off the 5th floor the rooftop of a parking garage. Not many people in this building have done anything THAT crazy, but some are crazier than I am. Some are just off the street a**holes who think you're an a**hole for trying to help them, but in the end, not being able to do so. I just don't get people around here.
I have to make it through this place. Sometimes, I just feel it's not really helping me. The groups are usually good, but the circus side show act is just overwhelming. I mean, when I see someone coming towards me or they are in the same room with me and I feel the way I do - it's not okay. I don't like "disliking" people.
I dread going down to the medication room because I am currently working and I will have to go to the front of the line. Last night, when I had to do this, the guy at the front of the line said I was an "a**hole".
I don't make the rules. I also have never cared when someone who is working goes in front of me. I'm sure the same people who don't like me going to the front of the line would also not like it if I was not working the front desk if they needed to make a phone call since I am essentially the house operator.
I follow the rules. Just now for instance, a different guy who once gave me crap about having to go to the front and just yesterday told me how I needed to "slow down" when I was in a rush to get out of here for my Social Security appointment, just walked up to me and asked if he could use my mobile phone. "No." That's the rule here. And, this guy has been nothing but wrong to me. People here are so difficult to understand.
That's the way it goes here all the time. People treat me like s*** until they need anything - like me to work for them. Or , use my ink pen to sign in for a group. I swear no one has a pen here but me. We have to wait in a long line to sign in. If the 20 people behind me don't have a pen, which is usual, they all want to borrow mine. I have to stand there and wait so my pen doesn't disappear. I'm not good at standing these days and, I don't want to.
I know it sounds petty, but there are just so many things. I put myself here. I told myself that I would never land myself in another program after being in the last. I did not complete that one. I will do what is required of me to leave this one on good terms. That seems to be how it goes here. I've yet to hear of a graduation.
Writing does help. I need to get typing. I'm not sure how all this will work. I'll never have my computer here. Even if it were permitted, it would be stolen anyways.
I pray for the day when I have my own place to live. I pray I never use again. It's no wonder I tried to kill myself. Actually, that's a simple way to look at it. It's so much more dark and complicated and insane than all that. If I believed I could simply cease to exist, that would be different. Years ago, I used to wish I was never born, but I was.
I believe we have souls. I am grateful for this, but I sure have put myself in a difficult situation to be in. I'm tired.
I just want to be able to tell Susan to have a Happy Birthday! Oh yeah, that reminds me, thank God she got the card I made her. She got it today - on her Birthday!
That is one thing that keeps me going here - doing anything for people. Writing this blog is one of those things. Since I don't have my camera and printer to make cards, I do so with crayons, pencils and paint.
I'm am so grateful Susan is healthy and, I believe, happy. I feel so bad for all I ever did wrong to her and for losing her. I still believe that in many ways, she got everything she always wanted and deserves. It didn't come from me because I'm such a mess, but God gave her what she deserves because she is an incredibly Good person.
I'm going to be okay. God is with me. This I have to believe. I want to call Susan and wish her a Happy Birthday. She texted me and said she just got this today. I'm so glad. Happy Birthday Susan.
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| I miss you and I will always love you. Please take care of yourself & Phil! I miss him too! |
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