Other Client: “Whats up Dave?”
Other patient: “Spot me two dollars?”
Sometimes, being a nice guy really
doesn’t “pay”. I gave this kid a couple of lemon drops I
bought at Walgreens yesterday. I never ask anyone for anything, even
if they just gave me something. I don't mind giving someone candy,
but that doesn't mean I have money. In fact, he probably just made
it to where I'll never give him candy again. It is against Wally
World rules to loan anything. This kid is a little punk, but
I was trying to be nice.
The other day Walgreens had a bag of
individually wrapped lemon drops that are usually $1.09 for $0.69! I
bought 3 bags one day and 2 bags the next. I have very little money
and like sweets. The sale only lasts a week, so I had to stock up!
They should last a while. Since I have so many lemon drops and so
many people here have so little, I don't mind giving people something
sweet. Just don't ask me for anything – not even a lemon drop!
Another client that I gave some lemon
drops asked me for some more “candy” the next day. I guess I set
myself up. If someone gave me something, I would not ask for more.
I guess I used to ask Susan for “more”, but we were married and I
was a mess. We are here to change and lemon drops are not drugs. I
hate that I got to a point in life where I had to ask her or anyone
for anything. I used to ask her to buy me a candy bar all the time,
when I was coming down. We get all we need here to live so I accept
and greatly appreciate that. They should greatly appreciate their
lemon drops and don't expect anything else from me. I just don't
have much to offer, so don't ask! I sound so mean.
I have had to go to Walgreens two days
in a row, thanks to Dr. Zoo who made my life so much harder. Today,
will be my third trip - if my prescriptions have been approved. I
have a lot of physical issues to go along with the emotional and
mental issues addiction creates. The least I would like is a nice
and understanding doctor who actually helps me feel better.
Life in recovery was hard before I tried to kill myself and became a physical mess. It’s even harder now. It’s no wonder I tried to kill myself. I remember so badly not wanting to go into a recovery program at the end of my last two month run. The last rehab I was in was bad enough to make me feel that way. I used to go to recovery meetings at inpatient rehabs to remind myself just how bad things were. I was always grateful, but things were always hard – because of my fellow clients.
I didn’t think it would be this hard. I never thought I’d try to kill myself either. Every time my I shot speed, I’d end up hearing voices. This last time, I was dealing with the devil himself and was dragging my loved ones down into the darkness with me - this could not happen!
The thing is, every time I’d start to come down, I’d start to not want to believe in the Parallel Universe, even though it was still with me - to a lesser degree. I came way down! My depression and desire to use again was greater than the insanity occurring in the parallel Universe that was becoming way to close to reality. I was stuck in the downward spiral that I always found myself when using until something bad would happen to me. I figured the devil or the government didn’t get to me “last time”. I had been hearing voices for years and was supposed to do things that I never did and things got better whenever I quit using – until I would use again.
Every time I used, it was ALWAYS going to be the last time. I was only going to use, “one more time”. I never believed I would actually die – even though I had come close to dying in the past. I certainly never believed I’d be responsible for my death – even though I was heading that way already. In years past, I had considered suicide, but never tried. This time, my death was inevitable. I was “dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight.”
It was so dark this last time. Everything had gone so wrong. I was so lost. I had already lost so much. I started to get a little of it back, but I was quickly losing it and more. It really did become a Ripple effect. I had so many chances already and prior to my relapse, things really were good and I was heading the right direction.
I've been through so many hard things. I guess remembering those days makes people asking me for anything so insignificant. It's still frustrating. I am in such a different place than those days. These days are difficult, but it's hard to describe just how horrible those days were. I could always escape to the lust of my life back then. That is also hard to describe. I don't like to think about it too much. If I do, I want it.
Today, I have to deal with everything. I must deal with “life on life's terms.” That is a good thing. I just hate dealing with difficult people, especially the ones I try to be nice to. I guess all I need to be able to do these days is say “no”. Perhaps they are simply helping me learn to set my boundaries. Perhaps I should appreciate them for that. That would be hard for me to do.
If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung,
Would you hear my voice come thru the music,
Would you hold it near as it were your own?
It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken,
Perhaps they're better left unsung.
I don't know, don't really care
Let there be songs to fill the air.
Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.
Reach out your hand if your cup be empty,
If your cup is full may it be again,
Let it be known there is a fountain,
That was not made by the hands of men.
There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.
Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.
You who choose to lead must follow
But if you fall you fall alone,
If you should stand then whos to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home.
La dee da da da, la da da da da, da da da, da da, da da da da da
La da da da, la da da, da da, la da da da, la da, da da.
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung,
Would you hear my voice come thru the music,
Would you hold it near as it were your own?
It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken,
Perhaps they're better left unsung.
I don't know, don't really care
Let there be songs to fill the air.
Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.
Reach out your hand if your cup be empty,
If your cup is full may it be again,
Let it be known there is a fountain,
That was not made by the hands of men.
There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.
Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.
You who choose to lead must follow
But if you fall you fall alone,
If you should stand then whos to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home.
La dee da da da, la da da da da, da da da, da da, da da da da da
La da da da, la da da, da da, la da da da, la da, da da.
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