"A revolution is an idea which has found its bayonets."
-Napoleon Bonaparte
Do I feel like writing? Kind of. I
definitely don’t write every day like the first couple of months.
As much as I like going back and reading what I wrote a couple months
ago when I transcribe my blogs, it is a lot of work! If this becomes
a book, I believe it will have to be rewritten – more work. It's
not really work. I am simply fighting for something I wholeheartedly believe in. My blog is my bayonet!
Now, I at least type them on a computer and save them on a USB drive. I haven’t made it to that point in my blog – I'm still transrcibing away. I’m almost to the end of notebook number one! Wow, I wrote a lot. I don't write nearly as much as I used to. That means, one thing – I don't have to! Well, I still like to write, but I don't have to get as much off of my chest. Life has gotten better! Now, I look forward to writing to inspire and help others. I believe that is part of the reason I am still here. This blog may have saved my life! Well, God saved my life – as a result of this blog!
The last blog I just transcribed talked about how I was coming out of my depression thanks to prayer. I have come such a long way. “Out of the Wilderness”, as the Bible says. Our entire sermon Sunday spoke on just that - being in the Wilderness. We are not alone in The Wilderness. In fact, in many instances, we are put there for a reason - even if we put ourselves there.
Exodus 16:1-3
1Then they set out from Elim, and all the congregation of the sons of Israel came to the wilderness of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after their departure from the land of Egypt. 2 The whole congregation of the sons of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness. 3 The sons of Israel said to them, “Would that we had died by the Lord’s hand in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat, when we ate bread to the full; for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger
After my last relapse and what I
thought would be an inevitable trip to hell, it seems I, like the sons of Israel, used to wish
I would have died when I was clean, Good and forgiven. After I had
relapsed, I was living in sin and on my way to a “never ending”
hell. The devil himself asked me to get the “the wilderness”
many times. The morning I jumped from the San Bruno parking garage,
I was in as "wilderness" as I could find near San Francico – San
Bruno Mountain.
Over the years, God gave me so many chances to come out
of the wilderness. I have been homeless, hit by a train, pistol
whipped, had life threatening infections, had 4 different guns pulled
on me 4 different times, had a seizure that stopped my breathing and
landed me in the ICU for a week and finally, I jumped off a roof of a
parking garage which landed me in the ICU for a month and the
hospital for 6 months. I’m not even counting all that happened in
the parallel Universe that should have convinced me to get clean.
Sometimes it did. It was my dealing with the devil that led me off
the rooftop in January. I'm clean now. I believe God can use
everything.
I am grateful that now a days, I recall
that dark wilderness I was in more than that sexually euphoric rush I
got from a syringe full of crystal meth that I lusted for for years.
I can actually thank the devil himself for that one. Funny how that
works. I spent some time in the wilderness again. My goodness, I
was so lost this last time. I was lost everytime, but especially the
last time. I am now being found.
On Sunday, the pastor at my church said
how “self sufficiency takes the life right out of us.” He’s
right. We can’t do anything alone. He said how we “avoid
sadness.” We do. He said that when we “sit still, we get in
touch with our sadness.” In many ways, I have. Up until January
15th, I couldn't sit still – even when clean. I was so busy and so
caught up in so much until I planted myself in that hospital and even
in this program and have time to think. Less time now a days, but
all that time I had really had me in touch with all that I had lost.
I looked to where I should always look – God.
Speaking of looking to God, what began
is a great weekend at Hardley Strictly Blugrass seeing Steve Earle,
ended in at General Hospital. Sunday after church, I watched the
Bengals dominate the Patriots, especially defensively. I was then
going to go see String Cheese Incident at Hardly Strictly Bluegrass.
However, I started having abdominal pain. I have never felt such a
pain. It had me bent over in a fetal position. When I went to the
bathroom to get water for alka seltzer, one of my very kind fellow
clients saw how much pain I was in and reported it to staff. Notice
how I said, “very kind fellow clients”. How times have changed!
Staff came up and offered to call an ambulance, but I refused.
Finally after 4 hours of pain, I agreed to let the manager take me to
General Hospital's Emergency Room. I ended up spending the entire night there. They
hooked me up to and IV and gave me a lot of injections to help. It
did. Every time they shot me with something, I could feel it in my
veins and taste it in the back of my throat. It reminded me too much
of shooting meth – minus the rush of course.
What I was also reminded of was my days
in the ICU. I only remember the last 3 or 4. All the heart monitors
is what it really was. I might even have recalled my early days in
the hospital. I’m not sure. My mind at least made it up.
Perhaps, it was a real memory.
This time, it turns out my liver
numbers are too high. I guess that’s what was causing all that
pain. I am going to my doctor on Thursday to follow up. They said
it looked as though I drank a lot. I did – 10 years ago. They
said it wouldn’t be from that. I didn't think to tell them how much medicine
I take. I’d rather take none. I bet that’s what is elevating
those numbers.
(11/4/13 - I later learned my pancreas numbers were also elevated. I eventually learned that it was pancreatitis.)
I’m just glad I feel better. It’s
funny how being miserable can make feeling normal feel so good! I’ve
experienced that a lot this year. I’m so grateful to be alive.
I’m not really too worried about the liver thing. As long as that
pain never returns! I have been weaning myself off of pills already.
I’ve had to take a lot of ibuprofen, but that is becoming less
necessary all the time.
Things are looking good. Tomorrow,
West Bay Housing comes to discuss the detail of my move in –
hopefully November 15th. This makes me so happy. I can’t
wait to head home for a while. Home. Home is what Cincinnati is. San
Francisco is my home in many ways, but Cincinnati will always be my
home. I miss it. A lot. I’ll never settle back there, unless I
really had to. If I were really needed to for instance. I really need
to visit. I miss so many. It will likely be a deeply moving
experience. I’ve lost so much since my last trip home, but I have
the most important thing a person can possibly have – life.
Now is as good a time as any to start a revolution at life. It is so important I take hold of this amazing opportunity at life God has given me. The revolution starts now, When you rise above your fear, And tear the walls around you down, The revolution starts here....
Now is as good a time as any to start a revolution at life. It is so important I take hold of this amazing opportunity at life God has given me. The revolution starts now, When you rise above your fear, And tear the walls around you down, The revolution starts here....
I love Steve Earle. Every year, he headlines Saturday night at Hardly Strictly Bluegrass. |
Hardly Strictly Bluegrass is a great free event in Golden Gate Park every year. |
The sun sets so beautifully over Golden Gate Park. I've seen it so many times. |
I was walkin’ down the street
In the town where I was born
I was movin’ to a beat
That I’d never felt before
So I opened up my eyes
And I took a look around
I saw it written ‘cross the sky
The revolution starts now
Yeah, the revolution starts now
The revolution starts now
When you rise above your fear
And tear the walls around you down
The revolution starts here
Where you work and where you play
Where you lay your money down
What you do and what you say
The revolution starts now
Yeah the revolution starts now
Yeah the revolution starts now
In your own backyard
In your own hometown
So what you doin’ standin’ around?
Just follow your heart
The revolution starts now
Last night I had a dream
That the world had turned around
And all our hopes had come to be
And the people gathered ‘round
They all brought what they could bring
And nobody went without
And I learned a song to sing
The revolution starts now
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