Lola Montez



Late Night San Francisco

“When you worship something, you become like the thing you worship.”

- Reverend Jay Wilson, City Church

The lust of my life is I.V. meth and sex. Does that mean I worship those things? Kind of. Is their anything Good about lusting for something. I can promise you, there is not. Especially if it's sex and drugs. Lusting for rock-n-roll is okay. Music is in my soul! I need to keep it there!

I said in my last blog that I didn't have to disclose every nitty-gritty dirty whacked out crazy detail about my life as an addict. I also said that if I didn't use and I kept writing, there would be no nitty-gritty dirty whacked out crazy details to write about. I have less than 2 weeks clean. And, I can't get her off my mind. Writing helps. And, this is the second blog in a row I am writing without using in between! I haven’t done that for nearly a year!

I do love City Church. I was introduced to City Church while I was at Christian Chaos. Christian Chaos meant so much. I was able to stay clean long enough to help Susan when she really needed help. I prayed for God's Will the whole time while there and I believe that's what happened, especially for Susan. She got everything she wanted. It was just not the way she wanted it – thanks to me always pursuing the lust of my life. The sex was usually with myself, but it was still wrong. The one very important day that sex was not with myself was the day Susan moved back to Cincinnati. I failed a major test. I didn't shoot up with Tweaker Chick, but I did have sex with her. Just doing that was practicing old behavior. In a round about way, this got me exited from Christian Chaos. Eventually, it would lead to my suicide attempt.

I made a lot of Good friends at Christian Chaos. It doesn't take long to get close to people when you are in a recovery program with. Months after my exit, I would relapse and begin perusing the lust of my life once again. Doing so led to my having a "methamphetamine induced psychotic reaction (suicide attempt)". My attempt was nearly successful. It was supposed to be. My death was eminent because the world was coming to an end as a result of a meteor shower on April 1^st, 2013. I just didn't want to keep harming my loved ones by using. They needed a chance to get things right before the world ended, so on January 15^th, 2013, I walked to San Bruno and jumped off the highest structure I could find – a 5 story parking garage. Even I was given another chance.

Almost all of my visitors to the ICU and the hospital for 6 months came from people I knew in recovery. My friends from Christian Chaos were among my recovery friends. Most of them visited me in the hospital. My mentors from Christian Chaos and a Pastor from City Church would also visit me often. I don't remember my time in the ICU. My Christian Chaos friends always tell me about something I don't remember every time they tell me about what they encountered while visiting me in the ICU.

A few months ago, I ran into Sam Malone at the GA office a couple of times. He, like many of us who were at Christian Chaos was once again struggling. The first time I saw him, he was pushing a shopping cart. The second time, he was pretty beat up, but was about to get a bed in a shelter. He said that when he was with me in the ICU all I said was, “fuck, fuck, fuck....”

James Dean also visited me in ICU. I don't remember anyone’s visit while I was in the ICU. James Dean and I talked on the phone a few times while I was at Laguna Honda. He was in a shelter and drinking again. Last we spoke, he said he would be up to visit me soon. Unfortunately, that never happened. James Dean died.

Christian Chaos averaged about 15 to 20 residents. While I was at Christian Chaos for only 4 ½ months, one resident died because he went out and drank. I can clearly picture him and hear his voice but cannot recall the nickname I gave him.  Also, four graduates died during my 4 ½ month stay. One of them hung around all the time. Again, I can remember his nickname. I suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury because of my jump. I use to really get confused and have a lot of memory problems, but my brain is apparently healing. I still have memory issues, but I'm not sure if orgetting their nicknames is something normal. Christian Chaos had only been open for a few years and had less than one hundred people graduate.  I was only there for 4 ½ months and five people who were in that program died. James Dean was the 6th.  I could have been the 7th.  Addiction at the level we take it is ruthless. It's sad.

One of my roommates from Christina Chaos, El Diablo now works at City Church. I find it amusing that I nicknamed him El Diablo. El Diablo is Spanish for the devil. I gave him this name because he used to be an Atheist, but more so because he had a pointed goatee like El Diablo. El Diablo now works at City Church. I attended City Church for the first time in a long time today. We were talking about my recent hospital visit. I told him how it reminded me of just how important recovery is. I spent 6 months in the hospital! I don't know how. I guess I had to. I was so grateful to be alive. My recent 5 day stay in the hospital reminded me that I need to remain grateful to be alive. How I haven't, I have no idea. The lust of my life I guess. While talking about my hospital stays, El Diablo said that when he ask a nurse how many bones I broke, she said, “All of them.” She told him I cracked my skull in three places and broke my backbone in four! I didn't even know those details. He said another nurse said I broke one hundred bones. El Diablo said that I was either cussing at the nurses or flirting with them. I was drugged up, that's for sure.

Being in the hospital again reminded me just how precious life is. Thankfully, it ended up only being my gallbladder that needed to be removed. On my visit to the emergency room, they initially diagnosed me with hepatitis. My liver levels were extremely high, my liver was swollen and my recent behavior pointed to that diagnosis. Finding stones in my gallbladder on Sunday, did give me hope that I didn't actually have hepatitis. I didn't learn that I definitely did not have hepatitis until Monday, after they had already removed my gallbladder. I was in a lot of pain, but that news made me feel so Good.

As far as my behavior that pointed to hepatitis goes.... That's a another story. About 6 months ago, I did something I've never done in my 10 years as and I.V. drug user. I shared a needle. I would have never done this, but one night a person I was in rehab with came by my apartment. I had recently allowed her to stay with me one night because she was out on the street. I had no idea she used the way I did. She showed up about a week later with a lot of meth on her and asked me to shoot her up. I did. We were in my bathroom. As soon as I shot her up, she took off her clothes and got into my bathtub. That's what it does to me. As soon as I shoot up, my clothes come off. I'm not really attracted to her, but I was already high and I really wanted to join her. I was trying to reuse one of my needles but it wasn't happening. She said she was disease free so I used hers and then I joined her.

She ended up lying to me and possibly stealing from me, so I had no idea if she was really disease free. I did get checked a month later and I was negative, but there is a 6 month window for HIV and hepatitis. I knew I didn't want to ever be with her again. I also knew I would never share a needle again. When I say the lust of my life is sex and IV meth, the sex is almost always a solo act. Almost.

A few weeks ago, I met Lola Montez. If drugs weren't involved in our all night relationship, I'd be in love with her. Unfortunately, I'm in lust with her. This is why I am writing right now. Writing helps reduce my cravings. I want to be with her so bad! I want to use with her and spend the night with her again. She is absolutely beautiful! Too me, she is perfect. Have I ever said how attracted I am to Asian women? I am. She was Asian. She said she was 43 (I'm 43), but she looked like she was 29. Probably because she, like most Asian women, is in such good shape. Her body.... She was about 5'0” tall and 95lbs. I'm still in lust with her, but I can't use!

Being in the hospital reminded me that I can't use. Being with her ALL night was risky. She too is an addict. Using made our sex a marathon rather than an event. She caught me in her web. I'm not sure my writing about this is helping me. I'm certainly lusting for Lola Montez. I can't be with her. Even when I was with her and we were done having sex at about 5AM, I knew what I did was wrong.

She began tweaking out. She was telling me how her dad would kill her if she knew how she behaved. I felt the fire where she walked. She kept asking me about hell. Over and over and over she would ask me, “is it true?” She asked me as if I knew. Actually, I do. It is true. I was tweaking myself and didn't want to say to her that I knew it was. I can't talk when I'm tweaking. I shouldn't do that shit. And, I definitely shouldn't be with someone when I do. Especially a beautiful woman.

I finally left her place and came back to my apartment building. People were leaving for work. I was tweaking after spending an entire night of being wrong. I wasn't happy about my behavior. I still think about going back to her. In fact, I tried to find her building about a month ago, but could not. I was tweaking, again. I did find a sex club in her neighborhood called The Power Exchange, I went in there and shot up. That was SO wrong! The devil himself would be with me after I did that.

I have probably shared way to much information – as usual. It's like I said in my last blog, if I don't digress I won't have to talk about these things. I've been digressing a lot since I haven't been writing. If I were to ever be in a relationship, I certainly wouldn't talk about our sex life. What Lola Montez and I had was not a relationship. I still want to find her. Still. Still. Still....

I discovered I.V. meth about 10 years ago. Before that, I was definitely and addict. I was a garbage can. I drank alcohol, smoked pot, took LSD, ate mushrooms, ecstasy, special K, MDMA, snorted cocaine, smoked crack.... I had smoked meth one time, but out of a crack pipe. Then, one night I was invited into a prostitutes room. I wasn't sure she was a prostitute. I was a miserable crack head who was broke and hated crack. All I could think about when I was taking a hit of crack was my next hit of crack. 

She invited me into her room and she shot me up. I guess it was a first ones free kind of event. That night, she brought me to her friends apartment to share me. Her friend lived in, Fox Plaza which is the building I now reside. What it became was in many ways a nightmare to me. I was then introduced to this fucked up orgy scene. Guys, transsexuals and women were involved. I didn't want to be, but I could never stop thinking about that rush. Shoot me up and I'd be anyone’s bitch.  I became a sex addict.  It fucked me up so bad. It also became the lust of my life.

I jokingly say I was cured of all of my addictions to everything else the day I shot meth. It was just worse than all of them combined. All I wanted was that orgasmic rush and the hours and hours of pleasure I.V. meth delivered.

I have had so many reasons to never use. December 17^th was one of the best reasons yet. Last night, I was made aware of another reason God gave me that that day mattered. I used on December 16^th. I think it spilled over until December 17^th. Meaning I think I might have used past midnight. December 18^th is the clean date I will claim. I believe my hospital visit was no accident. They never are. That date means more than my dumb addict ass could allow it to.

I think about Lola Montez even after my hospital visit. I'm writing about it. I'm not looking for her. I could probably find her if I'm not high. I was very high that night. I can't use. I can't. This is the first time I have posted two blogs in a row with out using in between for almost a year! That's pathetic. Writing helps me. It does. Thank you for reading. I mean that.

I'm in lust with that woman, but I love this song.  I love music.  And, even though this song reminds me of her, it rocks.  Actually, I think of her when I hear it.  I was loving this song before I met her, but never imagined it would become so true to me. That's the way music works.  It's not a bad thing.  Turn it up.  I love Volbeat.  They rock.

Feel the fire where she walks
Lola Montez so beautiful
Shady and a tempered dame
Blinding your eyes with her spider dance

Her performance utterly erotic subversive to all ideas
And for public morality
And cool as she was she didn't care
See the miner throw his gold
Lifting her skirt howling loud like a wolf
Hell raising and full of sin
When Lola was dancing and showing her skin

Wherever she walks
She'll be captivating all the men
Don't look in her eyes
You might fall and find the love of your life heavenly
But she'll catch you in her web
The love of your life, yeah.

Feel the fire where she walks
Lola Montez so beautiful
Shady and a tempered dame
Blinding your eyes with her spider dance

Well notorious I have been
But never for fame that's what she said
Dear Henry taste my whip
Never to see any words you print

Wherever she walks
She'll be captivating all the men
Don't look in her eyes
You might fall and find the love of your life heavenly
But she'll catch you in her web
The love of your life, yeah.

Oh Lola I'm sure that the love would have been
The key to all your pain
The key to all your pain
No words will later come
Did the spider bite your tongue
We will surely not forget
We will surely not forget
The Lola spider dance

Whoa!

Don't look in her eyes
You might fall and find the love of your life heavenly
But she'll catch you in her web
The love of your life, yeah

Lost In My Mind

(I wrote this blog before I went into the hospital.  My hospital stay reminded me just how important everthing I say in this blog is.)

“If you live long enough, you'll make mistakes. But if you learn from them, you'll be a better person. It's how you handle adversity, not how it affects you. The main thing is never quit, never quit, never quit.”

- William J. Clinton

I'm not quitting. I'm writing. That means a lot. I haven't been writing lately. If you've ever read this blog, my not writing says it all. I don't have to say anymore. When I write, things are good. When I don't write.... Let's just say I'm not writing. Better yet, lets just say, “I Get Lost in my Mind!” And, that is an understatement! I need to stay clean, clear my head and keep it that way!  I need to keep writing.

I don't have to write about me, but I need to write. In fact, I don't want to write something like this anymore. I don't want to write about how “I haven't been writing and we know what that means” again. In so many words, I've said this before. I don't want to say it again.

I am alive. That matters! That matters a lot to someone like me. Not only am I alive, I've also been blessed in so many ways. I live on the 26^th floor of a high rise building in San Francisco. That is a dream come true. I jokingly say “I earned it the hard way.” Actually, the way I “earned it”, is no joke. What I did that ultimately led up to my “earning it” is also how I could lose it. I don't want to lose it. And, I don't want to lose my life! That is always possible.

I have lost so much. So many things that meant and still mean so much to me. This includes nearly losing my life - at least a couple of times. That's actually how I earned my housing. A suicide attempt that landed me in the hospital for 6 months and left me disabled. That qualified me for housing assistance. I like what my doctor calls my suicide attempt. She calls it a “methamphetamine induced psychotic reaction”. Even when I'm hating myself, I couldn't harm myself. When I am using, I am more than hating myself. I am definitely harming myself. Suicide attempts have occurred.

This blog is suppose to be The Truth. And, it is. This doesn't mean I have to disclose every nitty-gritty dirty whacked out crazy detail about me. In fact, if I always write and don't digress, their will be no nitty-gritty dirty whacked out crazy details to write about. I will live in The Truth. I will keep my word. I'd prefer to write about Good things. Things that occur when I am living life in a Good Orderly Direction. Yes. I'd prefer to write about GOD. This is because to me, God is The Truth and The Truth is God. I can't define it any better than that for anyone. It's my definition. It's what I must believe.

I always wanted to move to New York or San Francisco. I love big cities. I love skyscrapers. I was fortunate enough to go to the top of The World Trade Center before it was destroyed. In fact, it was September 11^th, 2001 that I knew how much I had to make a change in my life. I don't know how to explain it, but it meant so much to me that I had to do something! I had to make a big change in the way I was living. I was struggling with addiction, but didn't yet understand that I needed to stop using. I thought I needed to move and make a difference. I had visited New York and San Francisco, but I knew living in them would be different. Was I ever right!

I took these sometime in the '90's before I was a "professional" photographer and obviously before I had a digital camera.  I photographed the photographs with my digital camera years ago to have a digital copy.  I know I have photos from the top - somewhere! 

Growing up, I always thought of the years 2001 and 2010. It could be those Space Odyssey movies, but I never really got into those. I would wonder, “Where will I be in 2010?",  " How old will I be?”, “What will I be doing?”  I especially wondered about the year 2010. I never understood it. In 2010, I would understand it.

In 2002, I got my dream job at The San Francisco Chronicle. It was in my dream city – San Francisco. San Francisco is where I decided I wanted to live. I proposed to my high school sweetheart, Susan, in San Francisco in 1995. I was going to propose to her at the top of the CN Tower in Toronto because The Grateful Dead were playing at The Toronto Sky Dome and we had mail order tickets. Then, Jerry Garcia died. We weren't going to Toronto anymore. I was then going to propose to her on the jumbotron in New York Cities Time Square, but they quit allowing wedding proposals on the jumbotron. I then learned one of my high school buddies who was living in Montana would be in San Francisco for a couple of days. We had never been to San Francisco.  This was a good excuse to go to San Francisco.  This was a good excuse for a surprise Christmas present – plane tickets to San Francisco. We flew to San Francisco and stayed in Chinatown. I looked for the highest point. The highest point in that area is Telegraph Hill. I proposed to her at Coit Tower.

We also honeymooned in San Francisco and other parts of California. We would visit San Francisco at least 10 more times. And, as I said, we would move to San Francisco in 2002. I now realize, in many ways, I was doing a geographical. A geographical is what addicts sometimes do to escape their addictions. I didn't figure drugs would be such a problem for me in San Francisco. I'm an addict. Actually, I didn't figure I would do them once I was here. However, I'm an addict.

Because I am an addict, I would lose the job of my dreams. Something better began to arise in my clean times. Susan's parent's bought us a little digital camera before we moved here and I would take photos of San Francisco as I saw it. Many people complimented me on how good my photos were. I began to realize that I had an eye for photography. San Francisco has a street artist program and I began setting up my sales stand to sell my photography on the streets to people from all over the world. This all began to make sense. I met Susan in art class in high school. Art was in my soul.

So many years would go by and I would go in and out of my addiction. My dad died in 2006 and that's when I began writing this blog. After all, it was imperative that I share The Truth. I thought by always writing The Truth, I would live The Truth, but.... Here I am today. I AM writing today. I am writing The Truth.

I've always loved lemons. Because of this, Susan bought me a lemon tree. We put it on our back porch. Hummingbirds would always visit the lemon tree when it was blooming. By now, I was becoming a better photographer and street artist. I now had a Nikon D50. I would wait at my desk for the hummingbirds to show up to the lemon tree so I could capture a photo of one with my camera. After a short amount of time, I captured one.

This was one of my best sellers for many years.

After many years of being very good to me and my continuing to struggle to stay clean, Susan finally said that she was going to get her Masters degree and when she graduated in 2010, she was moving back to Cincinnati. She wanted to buy a home, help her family and to possibly adopt a child. More than anything, she wanted her husband to be clean! I could get clean and come with her or she was going to have to go without me.

I was still struggling to stay clean. Susan and I would take one last trip to New York City to watch the ball drop on New Years Eve and see the Bengals play the Jets at the last game ever played at the old Giants Stadium. While there, we visited the World Trade Center site. They were selling gilded leaves from a tree that survived the World Trade Center attack. Knowing how much I loved skyscrapers and how much The World Trade Center meant to me, Susan bought us a set. She also bought my step grandmother, Nana a set. She too was greatly moved by The World Trade Centers destruction.

Gilded leaves from The World Trade Center Memorial site.

I continued to use and Susan continued to get her Masters Degree. I used all the way up until to her graduation. Her parents came out to attend her graduation ceremony. On the day after she graduated, I used. Susan came home early that day and found me choking on my own blood and turning blue. I was having a seizure. She called 911.  They told her what to do.  She saved my life. I was in the ICU for a week. This experience would open up my eyes for a few months. I stayed clean. This is what 2010 meant all those years!  Susan saved life in 2010.  I would get clean and stay clean in 2010. This is what it meant until I used at the end of 2010. 2010 now meant I would begin losing everything, including my high school sweetheart.  2010 would be the year things would begin to get very dark.  Susan couldn't watch me kill myself anymore. She gave me more chances than I deserved. I would eventually end up homeless and on the street. And, I kept using.

Eventually, events would occur that would lead to my getting into a recovery program - Christian Chaos. By now, Susan had started dating other people. This was hard for me, but we were divorced, and she had given me so many chances. While clean and in that program, I prayed for Gods Will.  I was willing to be with Susan, but it was not my will I was praying for.  Eventually, Susan would get pregnant from a very nice man who lived in Cincinnati. He is one of her brothers best friends. This meant that Susan would get everything she ever wanted. Not the way she wanted it, but now she could move to Cincinnati, help her family, buy a house, have a husband that didn't use and have a child. A child that would hopefully be with her when she got old because we knew I wouldn't be. She never wanted to have a child, she wanted to adopt a child that needed a home because too many children needed homes. She has such a big heart.  Now, I was able help her do things a pregnant woman couldn't do.  Things like change my cats cat litter.   Fortunately, Christian Chaos was only a block away from where we lived in San Francisco for so many years.  I was also able to help her move back to Cincinnati - the home we had moved to San Francisco from ten years earlier.

Things were better for me clean. That's until the day she moved. That day, a cute young woman I would nicknamed "Tweaker Chick" showed up the front door of Christian Chaos and begged me to shoot up with her and then have sex with her. I didn't shoot up with her, but I couldn't resist having sex with her.  By doibg so, I was practicing one of my addictions with her that was always linked to my using the way I had been using for so many years.  I.V. meth and sex is the lust of my life.   I wrote about it in this blog because this blog was always suppose to be The Truth. This blog is my Truth.  It was my Truth that had recently gotten me clean and allowed me to do other good things.  This was not a good thing.  This was a Truth that would hurt. This Truth ultimately led to my being dismissed from Christian Chaos. Now, I would definitely use. That's until so many of you rallied around me and offered to help me. So many good people in San Francisco took me in and allowed me to stay with them until I could get my life back together.

This is what I did. I got my life back together with the help of some very Good people who opened up their homes to me. Eventually, I would become a street artist again and rent my own room in an SRO. I was very happy to be able to support myself.

It was at this time in early 2011 that San Francisco would begin building skyscrapers all over the city. As I have said, I love skyscrapers. I decided I would photograph these skyscrapers being built and create a Facebook photograph folder and call it, “San Francisco Grows”. I was beginning to question just what this blog was accomplising since I had been clean for a while. While out running one night, something bigger, I call God told me, “I had a story to tell” and “I had a song to share”. I wrote that blog but never returned to take the necessary photos that were to go with it. I never posted that blog that essentially told me to keep writing.  Always writing always means I am not using. I used.  I stopped writing.

The blog I wrote that I never posted is called My Hero.  It is at the end of the blog Ocean Size.

I took these photos a few years ago when I began my "San Francisco Grows" folder.  All three are now complete.  Two are my neighbors

Now things got incredibly dark. I don't want to go into the details, but my death was eminent. One month after Susan had her baby, I used and then walked to San Bruno and found the highest structure I could. It was a 5 story parking garage at the B.A.R.T. station. I jumped.

Waking up in the hospital a month later in so much pain with a body full of broken bones and being told I would never walk again made me grateful. If I would never walk again, I would never use again! I was grateful to be alive. I spent 6 months in the hospital and 5 ½ months in drug rehab. I had no idea how I would take care of myself, but I was alive. I was then blessed with something I never expected but always dreamed of – housing on the 26^th floor of a highrise building in San Francisco. Despite all of my blessings, I did what I said I would never do again but have always done, I used. How could I use after all I had been through and after all I had lost? I still have no idea, but I did.  I am an addict.

I reguraly visit a phsychiatrist, because I am diagnosed Bi-Polar, PTSD and I am also Schizo-effective. This means that when I use I hear voices. Actually, I was even hearing voices with 11 months clean, but they are much more supportive when I am not using.

A couple of months ago, my stepgrandmother, Nana who is 90 years old was in the hospital. I was worried about her and told my pshychiatrist about what was going on. Every day, I look at those gilded leaves hanging above my kitchen counter that represent SO much to me.  They remind me of all that I have been blessed with and, of course, Nana.

My older brother bought me the little wood faced guy years ago.  I've always loved the woods.  I made the cross while in Laguna Honda Hospital.

My pshychiatrist ask me to make a collage. She ask me to use my artitic photography skills to do so. I finally spent a few hours walking around beautiful San Francisco to add photos to the folder I made years ago I call “San Francisco Grows”.  It was a beautiful day to be alive.   It made me something I struggle to be in my fight with addiction.   It made me happy.

Photos I took a few weeks ago of high rises under construction for my "San Francisco Grows" folder.

Seeing as though I don't have a lot of money I made a hummingbird feeder using a shot glass and some of the art supplies people bought me while I was in the hospital. Art is in my soul.  I was noticing how hummingbirds investigate every porch in this highrise building. Susan is a vegitarian because she loves animals. I also love animals and because of Susan, I too am a vegitarian. I thought making a little hummingbird feeder may attract them. I photographed it and sent the photograph to Susan and posted it on Facebook. I never saw a hummingbird come to my feeder.

My homemade hummingbird feeder.

My 43^rd birthday was on December 7th. It was a good birthday. I took care of myself. More importanly, I didn't use! Susan bought me a hummingbird feeder for my birthday. I hung it and called Susan. Within 10 minutes, while I was on the phone with Susan, a hummingbird showed up! I was so happy! Susan was so happy! If I'm happy and little hummingbirds are happy, Susan is happy. This makes me even happier!

This is the hummingbird feeder Susan bought me for my birthday.

I am so grateful for everything I have. Today I meet with my phsychiatrist. She is the one who suggested I make the collage that would remind me of reasons to stay clean and keep my high rise housing which is a blessing. She also encouraged me to write. I really look forward to my appointment today. I really look forward to writing. I really look forward to living life. I don't want to ever be “Lost In My Mind” again. I'm not “Lost In My Mind” today! I'm living life. Thanks to everyone who has been so Good to me. Thank you God. I get to watch “San Francisco Grow”. And yes, that bridge did get built.

The new Bay Bridge East Span that was recently built.

And below is the collage project I completed today and, I wrote a blog. I meet with my psychiatrist in 2 hours. Today is a Good day!

"Cause there are stars up above!"

Put your dreams away for now*
I won't see you for some time
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind

Momma once told me
You're already home where you feel love
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind

Oh my brother
Your wisdom is all that I need
Oh my brother
Don't you worry 'bout me
Don't you worry
Don't you worry
Don't worry about me

How's that bricklayin' coming
How's your engine running
Is that bridge getting built
Are your hands getting filled

Won't you tell me my brother
Cause there are stars up above
We can start moving forward

How?s that bricklayin? coming
How?s your engine running
Is that bridge getting built
Are your hands getting filled

Won?t you tell me my brother
Cause there are stars up above
We can start moving forward

Lost in my mind
Lost in my mind
Oh I get Lost in my mind
Lost, I get lost, I get lost in my mind
Lost in my mind
Yes I get lost in my mind
Lost, I get lost, I get lost
Oh I get lost
Oh I get

I'll Take A Melody

I haven't written a blog lately. If you've read this blog, you know why. I am so amazed that I have continued to use after all I lost, nearly lost and could lose.  I can't believe that I choose to use, but I do.

 

Things are getting better. I've not completely given up. I've come close. A few weeks ago, things got so insane. I don't even want to talk about it. I don't even want to think about it. I'm still dealing with the damage and may have more. I hope not.

So many people have helped me over the years. It's important I remain grateful. People I have been in rehab with like to come over and sometimes use here. That can never happen again. I say that and yet this chick came over and was using, her way, in my bathroom last night! It's so frustrating. I have enough trouble staying clean on my own. About a month ago, this chick came over and used, MY WAY, with me. I didn't even know she used, MY WAY. It got so ridiculous.  I'm ridiculous enough by myself. I need to be done.  I'm done with her, that is for sure.

I've done better the past couple of weeks. I kind of hit a new bottom. As if hitting the ground after jumping off the 5th floor of a parking garage by San Francisco International Airport was not bottom enough. It was even worse than that. The world was coming to an end, I was going to hell and worse. Yes worse. I'll leave it at that.  Those days are over.

These days are here. Susan is in San Francisco for the first time since she left two years ago. She got here yesterday. When she got here, she came to my place first. She stayed with her friend in Oakland. She's here for a conference. That woman is so important and so smart. She was so good to me. She even saved my life. That's how f'd up my addiction is. I lose things that really matter to me. I even lose things I love. I lust for that drug the way I do it. It's sick.

Two years ago, Susan was moving back to Cincinnati under a whole lot of unforeseen circumstances, that were, I do believe, God's Will. The last time I saw her, she said, it was not "goodbye", but "see you later." Months later, she'd have her first baby and within a month, I'd attempt suicide. It's a long story, but essentially, it's as f'd up as it sounds.  To me, it was even more f'd up than it sounds. No matter what it was, it was almost "goodbye."

Her coming to San Francisco has given me more reason to stay clean and has even reminded me just how Good staying clean is. I know that, but sometimes I get lost in the misery in which only using takes away for a short time. It always makes things worse. Always. Staying clean means so many things.

One simple, but important thing is that I've been making band practice. Music means so much to me.  Tomorrow, I'm going to Jerry Day. Every year for the past 12, Jerry Garcia's birthday is celebrated at Jerry Garcia Amphitheater at McClaren Park in The Excelsior District where Jerry grew up.  I've been to so many.  I may have even gone to the first one.  It was an early one.

 

Phish is playing here in a couple of months. They are playing right next door at Bill Graham Auditorium. I think some of my old high school friends may be going. They came last year while I was in rehab. I could not go, but I did get to see them. Now, I live right next door! I asked my little brother to come out. He said he was already planning a trip here with his friend anyway.  We'll see.

Bill Graham Auditorium.  I'd love to see Jack White, but I think I'll save my limited funds for Phish.  Seeing as though my limited funds usually go up my veins, it shouldn't be too hard if I'm not using.

I have a lot more reasons than music to stay clean. However, music is my soul in many ways. It always speaks to me and says what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. Albert Einstein said that, "Coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous." I'll Take A Melody!

I've seen the rain pouring down The sky was grey with a speck of blue
Peek through a hole in the clouds The sun was screaming, "Hey You!".

As you ramble through your sorrow Seems like everything come out wrong
I'm living in yesterday's tomorrows I know something is helping me along

I'll take a melody and see what I can do about it.
I'll take a simple C and G and feel brand now about it.

I understand why the old fisherman
sail along, sail along, sail along. sail along, sail along,
someday he'll be gone

I hear you talking about your troubles
Everybody's got their troubles too
You can make them burst like bubbles
If you know just what to do

You know I've been called a dreamer
Dreams that never come true
But I've been called so many things before
Tell you what I'm gonna do

I'll take a melody and see what I can do about it.
I'll take a simple C and G and feel brand now about it.

I understand why the old fisherman
sail along, sail along, sail along. sail along, sail along,
someday he'll be gone

I'll take a melody and see what I can do about it.
I'll take a simple C and G and feel brand now about it.

Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,
Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,
Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,
Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,

Learning to Fly

(I wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago but did not post it.  I am having computer problems and I have continued to slip.  I'm still heading in the right direction and think it is very important that I post this blog.  It even means more now than it did a couple of weeks ago.  I'm Learning to Fly....)



"I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve."

- Albert Schweitzer"

I'm grateful to be alive.  I'm grateful I am clean today.  I am grateful for "Wally World", my recovery program. I am grateful that I have been keeping my word.  I'm grateful that I can help those who have helped me.  I'm grateful I can serve.  I've had some slips in my recovery lately, but I have been managing to do what I say I am going to do and to help others.   I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings.

Showing up is so important.  Doing what I say I will do, such as making it to band practice is important!  I'm even going to fun events.  By becoming responsible,  I am actually enjoying life.  Still, I have been slipping lately.  After all, using my drug the way I use it, is the lust of my life.  So much so that I have used when I have had plenty of reasons to "never use again".  Obviously, the lust of my life feels incredibly good to me.  So much so, that I continue to do it despite it's negative consequences.  As good as it feels, What goes up, must come down. 

My life has nearly ended, at least twice. My last reason to "never use again" was my near death experience that I actually chose.  As a result of a "methamphetamine induced psychotic reaction", as my doctor termed it, I attempted suicide. I walked to San Bruno and jumped off the 4th or 5th floor of a parking garage.  Coming down, is the hardest thing.  If I am clean, I can be hating myself, and still not want to hurt myself.  That drug and what it makes me do is so dark.  It's so dark, I lust for it.  It is that dark. 

I'm learning to fly.  I need to take baby steps.  Just showing up matters.  Being with others in recovery matters.  Going to a 12 step meeting matters.  Showing up at Wally World matters.  Band practice matters.  Did I just say these things?  If I did, at least I'm dwelling on Good things.  Speaking of going to band practice, The Alano's saxophone player and I went to the Walnut Creek Art and Wine Festival.  Obviously, anyone in a band called The Alano's is in recovery, so wine was not the attraction.  The attraction was music.  And, art.  We are both artist.

Some of the band members think I have a good Tom Petty voice, so we do three Tom Petty songs.  We do American Girl, Last Dance with Mary Jane and Breakdown.  They have even suggested we be a Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers cover band.  We do too many other good songs from other bands for that to be.  Plus, I try to keep adding Grateful Dead songs to our set list.  So far, we have done three songs that The Grateful Dead cover.  We do Eric Clapton's, Knocking on Heaven's Door, The Rolling Stone's,  This Could be the Last Time and we just started Buddy Holly's, Not Fade Away. 

Not Fade Away is one of the songs I performed on stage with my little brothers band when I was back in Cincinnati.  I wanted to have a  Grateful Gathering.   The Grateful Gathering was a reunion of the fundraiser my family and friends had for me when I was in the ICU.  I am still very grateful for those events.

Since I have been keeping my word lately and showing up to my commitments, my using has decreased.  So much so I was even able to go to a music event last Sunday.  One of our band members, who is the lead guitar player, suggested we go see the band, Petty Theft, since we do some Tom Petty songs pretty good.  There was also a Chicago, Steely Dan and Beetles cover band playing that day.  Although the lead guitar player was unable to go because of a commitment, the saxophone player and I did go. 

Petty Theft

It was a really good day.  It was really hot!  We are not accustom to heat in San Francisco.  Mother Natures air conditioner (The Pacific Ocean) keeps us nice and cool all summer long.  When it gets hot in California's Central Valley, as it does all summer long, the air heats up and, of course, rises.  When the thin hot air rises over the continent, it is replaced by the dense cool air over the Pacific Ocean.  This creates San Francisco's famous fog.  If you live near the Ocean it is usually foggy all summer.  However, if you live in neighborhoods near downtown, such as The Civic Center, where I live, it is usually sunny.  It's still nice and cool.  If it is 90 degrees 20 miles inland, such as Walnut Creek, where the festival was held, it will be 70 degrees in San Francisco.  The day we went, it was 90 in Walnut Creek and it was 70 in San Francisco.  It's dry heat and it was worth it.

This is the view off of my balcony.  The Pacific Ocean is the same direction as the fog.  It is exactly 6.0 miles away.

It was nice to take a trip The East Bay.  I haven't left The City of San Francisco since the holidays.  I needed that kind of escape.  We had a good time.

I knew I hadn't written a blog lately and knew I needed to write one.  I figured I would hear a song that would be my next blog.  The Universe just works that way.  I even recorded this one.

(I did record Petty Theft performing this song on my phone and it is on my computer, but like I said, I'm having computer problems.  I guess we'll have to settle for Tom Petty's version.  Petty Theft is good.  They are even better than The Alanos.)

Well, I started out down a dirty road
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up, the world got still

I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well, the good ol' days may not return
And the rocks might melt and the sea may burn

I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing

Well, some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I've started out for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there

I'm learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down

I'm learning to fly but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing
I'm learning to fly around the clouds
But what goes up must come down

I'm learning to fly
I'm learning to fly

Desperado

I don't have much to say.  I think when I don't write, it is pretty obvious that I am struggling.  When I am struggling, I am using.  So many people have helped me, cared about me and loved me when I was not helping, caring about or loving myself.  It's amazing that I continue to use.  I should be dead.

I am alive.  For that I need to be grateful.  If I keep using, I will lose everything.  Suicide is not really an option for me anymore.  It was WRONG.  This doesn't mean death isn't very possible.  I went to the emergency room a couple of weeks ago.  I knew I shouldn't have done what got me there.  I didn't want to die.  I still used.  Being alive and "walking through this world alone" sure wouldn't be something that I would be able to believe in, but if I continue to use and isolate, that's likely what it will be.  I really can't use.  I am not suppose to give up on people who care about me.  I am supposed to be with people and stop telling people I'm wrong.   I knew that a long time ago.  If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.  I don't need to say it.  I need to know it.  I know it.  I just can't be wrong.  If am not wrong, I won't be wrong so I will have no reason to say I'm wrong.

I will admit that I do continue to do some recovery.  It does help.  So many have cared about someone like me and I have no idea why.  It might be a God thing.  God cares about people who care about people.  God doesn't care about the things I do when I am using.  After all, why would God care about something that is not Good.  I'm not saying God doesn't care about me.  God just doesn't care about the bad things I do.  No one does.  It doesn't mean God and people are not compassionate.  It's up to me to believe in God and all of the people who have cared about me.  Saving my life a couple of times is a pretty big deal.  If I stay with God, God will stay with me. 

Self pity is not a good thing and I know that. I just feel bad for doing the bad things I do.  I need to let go.  Let go and let God.  While this may not be hard for many, it is for me.   Using should not be an option, but it is.  I have been given so many amazing and beautiful things.  Things I always dreamed of having.  One of those things is life itself.  It's important I be grateful for what I have.  Otherwise, "(my) prison will be walking through this world all alone."  Or, death.  I don't even want to imagine that....  Using was not that hard.  Using will never be good for me.  I was always suppose to know that.  I can't keep using.  People have even tried to suggest that I be with people who care about me.   No one wants me to be with myself all the time. 

When I use, I don't keep my word.  I lie.  The Truth will always matter.  All's I have to do is stop caring about myself, which is also all I need to do.  It's not just hard on me, it's hard on those who have cared about me.  I hope to care about others some day, especially those who have cared about me.  Just showing up and keeping my word shows I care.  If I continue to use....

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
The queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom, well that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late