Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Cumberland Blues

Uncle Danny and Buck.


"Write the short version."

I will always remember that voice.  This day is hard.  Hard for my family.  I'm not to sure how or what to write.  I'm honestly struggling myself.  That is The Truth.  For me, God is the Truth and The Truth is God.

I have written two blogs this year.  One was called Slip Away the other, Live.  Slip Away was about how I have let love Slip Away.  It's a song I coincidentally enough heard one day while I was somewhere that God always gave me a message through music.  It was about how I always let love Slip Away. 

Live was a blog about a song I wrote a few days before my dad died.  It was about how we were "killing ourselves."  In fact, that song's title was "Stop Killing Ourselves" until I attempted suicide as a result of my addiction and survived.  I changed it's title to "Live" after I survived.   I was in the hospital for six months and recovery for 5 months.  Then, I started using again.  That's not living.  Not the way most people do.  Especially the way I do it.  My using disrupts others living - Schizoaffective or not I've wasted so much time - my time included.

Both of those blogs disappeared.  "Coincidence is God's way of staying Anonymous."  That is one of my favorite quotes by Albert Einstein.  In many ways, my higher power, I call God, is The Universe.  Art and Music will always be in my soul.  It's all so coincidentally overwhelming that I can't deny my family.  I don't even know how or where to begin writing about all of this. 

My brother Michael, Uncle Danny and my brother Alex.
I took this photo during my last visit to Cincinnati.  My brothers and I took a trip down to the country!

What I thought was going to be my clean date and New Years resolution was written on the last blog that exists in a blog called Althea.  Althea is a Grateful Dead song and is o about a miracle. I wrote it on a day in which I thought my clean date could have been.  That could have been my recovery birthday, which would have been December 30.  December 30 was my dads actual belly button birthday.  Recovering addicts are called "miracles" in 12 step groups.  Both of my parents had addictions issues and died as a result.  Althea is a miracle.  Althea is Man Smart (Woman Smarter), aka Atheist-Angel, aka my ex-wife's daughter.  Coincidentally enough, Althea is the last blog to appear on Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog.  Art and music are in my soul.  I recently got a miracle.  We Deadheads call that a ticket to a Grateful Dead show.  These "miracles" usually occurred in parking lots of music venues just before a sold out show was going to start.  Sometimes they were sold for face value or less.  Sometimes we deadheads traded "something."  Sometimes tickets were given for free!  

There will be three shows for the 50th Anniversary of The Grateful Dead in Chicago, Illinois.  I mail ordered for tickets.  They were in such high demand and I did not win the lottery.  The Grateful Dead announced two more shows in The San Francisco Bay Area.  I won the lottery for a show Santa Clara, California.  That's a miracle!  Another miracle is about to happen - a miracle in the recovery version.   That should be the next blog.  It will be called, I Need a Miracle.

As I just wrote, I ended the last blog that appears on Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog by writing what I had permission to write.  I honestly never even understood the lyric to Althea.  I can't believe they never jumped out at me.  That's how music keeps working for me.  Sometimes I don't hear the message until my soul finds it or it finds my soul. My understanding occurred at time that cannot be denied.  My soul needs to listen.  I ended the last blog like this:

"Coincidentally enough, Althea is on a Grateful Dead album called, Go to Heaven.  Even if I wasn't trying to be anonymous, I couldn't put into words how much this song and this blog means."


Day's have past.  I'm still confused.  I know my using is wrong, especially now.  God was communicating something to me.  Voices.  "Tell the short version."  I'm still trying to understand what's going on.  No matter what,  I can't keep using.  Burnside, Kentucky - Uncle Danny.  New York City - The David Letterman Show.  Coming to an end.  Coincidence?

The David Letterman Show was Man Smart (Woman Smarter)'s favorite late night show.  She watched it every night.   (Right after The David Letterman show went off the air, I saw David Letterman was at the Indianapolis 500.  He had an Indy car.  He's originally from Indiana.  My brother lives in Indiana.  He and his son love Cars.  My nephew is going to be going to college in Indianapolis to be an auto-technician.  My favorite movie at one time was Disney/Pixar's Cars.  Man Smart (Woman Smarter) played that movie for me over and over while I was in the ICU for the first time as a result of my addiction.  She never left my side. Using is that wrong.   Race cars mean even more.  I'll keep Babbling.  It's family.  Soon after my mother died, I was on a pit crew.  #9.  It's a long story, but my cousin, who I had an apartment with has a son who is racing go-carts all over the country.  #9.  He's good!

This all is so coincidently undeniable.  Family  Miracles.  Family.  Coming to an end.   Coast to coast and everywhere in between.    Miracles.  Miracles?

"Will you never believe in me unless you see miraculous signs and wonders?" 

- John 4:49

Doctors even called me a miracle.  I didn't believe it. I just read the first blog that I wrote after I survived my suicide attempt.  God gives me messages.  That's my Truth.  When I woke up in the hospital and wasn't sure what was going on, I wrote a blog I titled Ocean Size.  Ocean Size is a song by one of my other favorite bands - Jane's Addiction.  I will hopefully write about the details of this someday.  The messages that I did not listen to that I really should have was from a Foo Fighters song called My Hero.  (This blog appears at the bottom of Ocean Size.) For me, at the time, when I was running and I heard the song, My Hero, I always thought about God.  It's an insane but true story. 

Coincidentally enough, The David Letterman Show came to an end last night.  The Foo Fighters performed Everlong.  David Letterman's said it was his favorite band to have on the show.  He saved them for last.  Susan loved the David Letterman show.  My soul matters.  Speaking of miracles,  The Foo Fighters played their song Miracle when David Letterman came back from his heart surgery in 2000.  I cannot deny this Coincidence.   miracles.  life.

My brothers are having a hard time with all of this.  My older brother never gave up on me.  My younger brothers never gave up on me.  My using is hard on me and others.  This should not be about me.  I must "loose with the truth".  

"Loose with the truth, maybe it's your fire.  But, baby I hope you don't get burned."  My time is about up.  Things are coming to an end, one way or another.  That's how addiction works.   Jails, institutions and death.

My Uncle Danny is gone.  We had some good times.  He and Man Smart (Woman Smarter)  were so opposite.  Man Smart (Woman Smarter) is a vegetarian.  She loves animals and is so against animal farming.   Uncle Danny had a cattle farm.  Uncle Danny never quit teasing Man Smart (Woman Smarter).  She was a good sport.  Together, they were hilarious.  They never stopped giving each other a hard time.   In a strange and sad twist of irony, Uncle Danny was kicked in the head by a cow while loading them to send to market.   He was flown to The University of Tennessee for emergency brain surgery.  He died the next day.  Despite Man Smart (Woman Smarter)'s differences, they cared about each other.   That's what "the short version" is all about.

The "short version" is actually more about me than her.  That's the Truth.  Actually, it's more about my family.   Music is in our souls.  It's seems The Universe hears me using.  I always knew that when people died, if they believed in Heaven, the Truth was vital.  Go to Heaven.  That's the album the "short version" is on.   God is the Truth and The Truth is God.  God always knows.  I know this.  This is my truth.  This is so many's truth.  I knew it would be that way.  I'm not supposed to be alive.  I got too many chances.  That's what my song Live was all about.  That was my last blog that ironically disappeared.

In the past three months, I've lost my Uncle Paul on my birth mothers side.  He died quickly of pancreatic cancer.  My Aunt, who I will call, Built to Last, is his wife.  She just spent eight weeks in the hospital.  She had a stroke.  I just lost my cousin, Danny Junior.  He committed suicide.  He had just left the hospital and we believe he too had pancreatic cancer.  He likely didn't have much time.  He was Uncle Danny's son.  Uncle Danny was having a hard time.  This all happened in the past three months. 

They say it comes in threes.  I can't make it four.  "Treachery is tearing me limb from limb."  It's harder on those who are not being hard on me - Good people.  This world is full of Good people.  Especially in San Francisco.  And, Burnside, Kentucky. It is also hard on those who understand treachery.  Or should I say, Dealt it out themselves.  And, it is hard on recipients of treachery.  Using is wrong.  Addiction is hard on people.  If you like using, believe me, I understand.  If you're making some mistakes, now is not a bad time for recovery.  Believe me, the sooner the better.  If you're having a small problem, get help.  12 step is a great way in Ohio (AA was founded) and California (NA was founded).  Recovery from addiction is now happening over the world!  Just remember.... Higher Power.  I remember when I heard about "God" in recovery.  I thought, "what does God have to do with recovery?"  If I can't believe in God.... Jails, deaths and institutions.  "Our (an addicts)" ultimate end.

God cares about my family.  And, President Obama cares about my family. This includes me, of course.  Using makes me insane, however, it's still my choice to use.  Again, this is about me.  "Self-centered to the extreme."   God cares about people.  My Uncle Danny cared about people.  When I use, I'm wrong and even hard on people.  Addiction can be treachery.  My Uncle was never giving up on our family.  Only I do.  That's not true, but I'm....  confused.

It's not about me.  I was hearing voices.  Many times I used, my Uncle Danny kept saying, "Write the Short Version."  God backed this blog up to the last blog,  Althea.  Addiction and God, Love, Family and life does not mix, for some.  For many.  For me.  My family matters.  One of the last times Uncle Danny was telling me to, "write the short version", I "told" him that wanted to someday write a blog called Cumberland Blues.


"Truth emerges regularly from error and confusion."

- Francis Bacon

I lost another old friend yesterday.  One of my high school buddies, Chris passed.  His wife, we'll call her Scarlet Begonias, is also in recovery.  This is a hard time for them and their daughter.  I just said a strong, heartfelt prayer for them.  When this blog gets posted, please pray for them.  Please pray for my family as well.  Life coming to an end is hard, yet inevitable.  I believe it will lead to a new beginning in so many ways.  It's still hard for me to understand.  Life is precious.  Memories, Good Memories, are amazing.  I get messages. God is amazing.  Whatever "God" is.  I'm honestly still searching myself.  I've been praying for guidance.

Cumberland Blues is guiding me.  I must keep my commitments to God.  God is The Truth and The Truth is God.  My Uncle Danny and my dad grew up in Burnside, Kentucky.  I always used to jokingly say that my dad was born at the bottom 0f a lake  - Lake Cumberland.  Burnside Kentucky was a part of The Tennessee Valley Authority Project.  Dams were built on rivers that created lakes.  Dams were built in that beautiful part of this country to provide electricity.  That part of the country was far behind the rest of the country.  The TVA Project was meant to catch them up.  It did.  It provided hydro-electricity.  It also created lakes that created tourism.

Did I mention Miracles are happening?  This is a fact The Truth cannot deny.  God backed this blog up to True miracles.  Remember how I wrote that God backed this blog up to a miracle, Althea.    Births are Miracles.  Recovery is a Miracle.  Grateful Dead concert tickets are "Miracles."   My dad was a Miracle the day he was born, December 30, 1948.   Still, coming to and end is inevitable.   

Which brings us back to Cumberland Blues.  My dad moved from Burnside, Kentucky to Cincinnati, Ohio and "pulled himself up from his bootstraps."  He grew up without indoor plumbing and he was raised by his grandmother, "Mamma".  To me - Grandma Love.  Love is a part of my family.  My brothers and I grew up in a suburb of a Cincinnati, Ohio called, Loveland, Ohio.  I cannot deny Love.  It's in my blood.  It's in my soul.  Addiction robs me of love.  Or ,should I say, Love.

Miracles are happening.  Recovery from addiction is "a miracle".  I'll hopefully get to those.  I can't claim a recovery birthday at this stage.

Sometimes this blog is my only True connection to people.  It's my only True connection to friends and family.  This blog is not a True connection.  However, it has guided me.  God is The Truth and The Truth is God.  One of the first things I had written besides college papers and business proposals that involved life coming to and end, was my dad's eulogy.  Addiction was a big part.  I'm so confused.  Contrails.  Miracles.  Concrete, paint and steel.  Art, music, writing.  Wharfrats.   Recovery.  The Grateful Dead.   Miracles. 

This is a photo I took while working on a film project for someone who has been here for me in so many ways.  He is a True Miracle.  We'll get to that. 

"Will you never believe in me unless you see miraculous signs and wonders?" 

- John 4:48

For now, things have come to an end.  For my parents, addiction was involved.  For me it could have been involved.  I prayed for God's Will and a True miracle occurred.  "Write the short version."

I always thought of my dad growing up when I heard The Grateful Dead play "Cumberland Blues".  Miracles.  Addiction.  Treachery.  Miracles....  God?

The Universe is communicating with me.  Last weekend, Man Smart (Woman Smarter), who is Altheas mother, was in New York City.  We visited New York City quite a few times.  Art and music is in my soul.   We used to visit a friend, in NYC.  I'll call her SoulshineSoulshine lived in Hoboken, NJ.  In fact, after Man Smart (Woman Smarter) left New York she went to visit Soulshine who now lives Racine, Wisconsin.  Back when we used to visit Soulshine in New York City, we had to take the PATH subway from lower Manhattan to her apartment.    One of the times we visited New York we went to an Allman Brothers concert in Harlem.  We partied all day.  Afterwards, we went the financial district and I drank 13 shots of tequila.  Then, we had to take a PATH train back to her apartment.  The end of the line in NYC was and still is located at The World Trade Center Subway Station.  I was so stumbling drunk, that I fell into the subway tracks at the World Center Subway Station.  Thankfully, I was pulled out before a train arrived.

I love skyscrapers.  Susan and I went to the top of the Empire State Building in the Empire State.  The Empire State Building was once the tallest building in the world!  My second favorite city is New York City - the most densely populated large city in The United States of America.

Susan text me this photo last weekend.

I'm so glad we got to go to the top of the World Trade Center.  They were tallest buildings in the world!  It was a beautiful view from the observation deck. We were on Top of the World.   

Top of the World is also a blog I wrote about Man Smart
(Woman Smarter) and I getting to the top of the South Tower of The Golden Gate Bridge. She worked for the "Transportation Department" in San Francisco.  I love bridges and skyscrapers.  The Golden Gate Bridge is my favorite man made structure in the world!  I used to say,  "She's always been there for me."  I said that about both Man Smart (Women Smarter) and The Golden Gate Bridge. 

For me, addiction and evil can go hand and hand.  In my insane addiction, I wrote about the New World Order.  This is covered in my blog - Contrails.  Addiction can be hell.  Hard on too many involved.  Did I mention my Atheist Angel, aka Man Smart (Woman Smarter) aka my ex wife was in New York City last weekend?

Last week, Man Smart (Woman Smarter) took a photo of one of the fountains used to commemorate The World Trade Center towers.

Remember?  Remember.  Never forget.  Never.  They were once the tallest buildings in the world.  Sadness.  Frustration. 

In 2001, when The World Trade Centers were attacked and destroyed, I had to do something - for freedom.  I remember the day my dad called me I was on the 30th floor of the tallest building in Cincinnati, Ohio.  Susan said I should get out.  I wasn't worried about me, but she was.  I was more worried about what was happening.  Confusion.  Mass confusion.  Darkness.

However.  We knew.... We knew....  We always knew.  Despite war and darkness, aka evil, Freedom would prevail. Freedom of speech.  Freedom of religion.  Peace.  Love.  Freedom of Choice. 

The Universe.  My God?  My search?  My personal search.  Lets's not make this about me.  The Universe is not darkness.  It's a new frontier.  It's our new frontier. 

Addiction is evil.  Confusion?  Not true?  True.  True for me.  It can become Treachery. Where's my soul?  I remember.  It's Art, Music and Writing.  I once wrote Top of the World. 

"Coincidently enough, Top of the World can be seen of my 26th floor balcony.  I jokingly say, "I earned my apartment the hard way.""

Close to the stars?  The Universe?  My God?  Life, Coming to an end.  Forever?  Sorrow.  "Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal."  This is written on the back of both of my parents tomb stones.  I covered this in a blog I wrote when I last visited Cincinnati in 2013.  It is called Carry On My Wayward Son. 

Yet still, The Universe.  Darkness?  God?  Freedom.  Recovery.  Truth.  Iron and steel.  Strong.  God.  Faith.  Freedom.  Loss.  Birth.  Miracles.  Miracles.  Miracles.  Peace.  Freedom.   Listen.  Believe in.   Obvious confusion.  That's what using can lead to.  If you're struggling with using now.  I promise, it gets worse.  Get help.  That's my Truth to you.  For me, it goes like this.

"loose with the truth
maybe it's your fire
but baby I hope you don't get burned

When the smoke has cleared, she said,
that's what she said to me:
You're gonna want a bed to lay your head
and a little sympathy."

We will never forget.  Freedom. 
(Susan also took this photo last weekend.  I read the observation deck just opened.  Top of the United States!)
"Peace will prevail."

Family.  Love.  Courage.

"Write the short version."  It turns out, their is no such thing.  Is there?  Writing takes time.   "You can't write the blues until you live the blues." 

I'll always remember (not clearly) the time I got hit by something while walking to close to a freight train.  I finished a bottle Monte El bon tequila.  I ate the worm.  Have I ever written that blog?   No wait.  I was at Uncle Danny's.  My family.  I was with one of my  "brothers.", we'll call him Terrapin Station. (Ironically, he himself chose this as his favorite Grateful Dead song.  It's my favorite song to see live. It sure fit's this blog.)  I  was at Uncle Danny's when this happened.

This is the album cover art.

Addiction.  Treachery.  Music.

"What the Fuck?"  That's a song I wrote about my addiction that I have lived.  It was written over many years as my drug advanced from one drug to another.  It started out being about my drinking....  It ended up being about shooting crystal meth.  It started out being funny....  It's pretty damn serious now.  It's not funny.   It used to be funny.  Kind of like another one of my songs - Tequila and Trains." I performed that song at "The Grateful Gathering."  Coincidentally enough, I also performed my song Live that night.  Remember, how my blog Live coincidentally enough disappeared?

The weather sucked in Loveland, Ohio that night and not too many people made it.   My brothers were there.  I performed Tequila and Trains with my true adopted and very close blood brother and his band.  We also performed a Grateful Dead cover song - Not Fade Away.  "You know our love will not fade away."  Quite a few showed up at my original benefit at that same venue that occurred after I attempted suicide.  Why a benefit?  Some thought they knew me.  They used to.  I started writing this blog again for the first time since I had been "On top of the world!"   Then, I used. Treachery.

I spent a long time loosing so much.  This includes Man Smart (Woman Smarter)Man Smart (Woman Smarter) was my high school sweetheart that I met in art class.  I ended up being homeless for 8 1/2 months.  One morning, I saw President Obama.  That day I went to the library and started writing this blog that my soul had inspired.  I wrote Standing on the Moon.  My soul - art, music, writing and this redicul0us Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog.

I used this image for my business card when I was a Street Artist.  I was trying to create new memories.  She was always there for me.  Art is in my soul.  This shots represents my using days when I was always using at Lands End or the Marine Headlands.  "Standing on the moon, but I would rather be with you."

Anger? Frustration?  The voices are asking me to relax.   Are The Voices coming from The Brady Bunch?  Are they the Beaty Bunch?  Truth?  God?  Insanity?  All of the above?   Confusion.  Decisions....  Reality.

Coming to an end. Terrapin Station, who is my "brother" and I were in New York City that time I fell into the tracks at The World Trade Center after I drank too much tequila.  He was also with me in Burnside, Kentucky when I drank too much tequila and got "hit"  by a freight train. You can't write the blues until you've lived the blues.  I wrote a song called Tequila and Trains. 

Ironically, Man Smart (Woman Smarter)  sees Union Terminal (the train station in Cincinnati) from her back yard.  She lived atop a steep hill in a neighborhood called Clifton.  This image on my wall.   When the dead played Cincinnati, the parking lot scene (Shakedown Street) occurred here.

Terrapin Station was also with me for a Miracle in NYC.  My second favorite place to see a Grateful Dead Concert was Madison Square Garden.   Ironically enough, Madison Square Garden is above a train station - Penn Station.  Terrapin Station has been with me for long time.   I don't know if he ever met my mother, but he met my dad.  He was with me when my life did not come to and end - twice.  He's gonna be in Chicago at Soldier Field (my favorite place to see The Grateful Dead and its at the venue that Jerry Garcia performed his last Grateful Dead show). "The Long Strange Trip" is coming to an end.  He got a Miracle!  We got a Miracle!   His is for Chicago.  Mine is for Santa Clara.

The day my Uncle Danny's life came to an end was Terrapin Stations birthday.  He was having a hard birthday.  Homelessness was becoming possible again, yet he only blamed himself.  I told him not to be so hard on himself.   After all, my Uncles Danny's life just came to an end.  It was a Good day stop using.  It was a Good day for a miracle, Right?  That's what recovering addicts call birthdays.  I was confused.  Right?  Or is it, write?

I used.  I got a serious message from "The Universe".  I need to always remember Uncle Danny's voice, "Write the short version."  That's impossible.  Forever happens.  Art and music is in my soul.  Love.  Music.  Smiling.  Voices.  Writing.  Laughter.  If not:

This is the message I received that day when I chose to use. It was in front of my dealers building. The Universe knew where to find me.  We can't hide from The Truth.

"Be not wise in thy own conceit:  fear God, and depart from evil.  For it shall be health to thy navel, and moistening to they bones."

- Proverb 3:7-8

It was written in chalk.  Iron, Steel and concrete outweigh chalk everyday!  However, art speaks.  It speaks The Truth.  Addiction is hell.  Freedom matters. 

Music will always be in my soul.  Writing will always be in my soul.  It was very hard, but I wrote and did my dad's eulogy.  The circumstances were so confusing.  Addiction is so confusing.  Uncle Danny's life came to an end.  At the same time, miracles are happening. 

I'll always remember that time I visited my family in Loveland, Ohio.  My dad's family, The Beaty family lived in Burnside, Kentucky.  That  little ole "hillbilly" city (It's in my blood, I have the right!  Freedom!) that used to be at the bottom of Lake Cumberland.  My dad was born at the bottom of a lake!  I love my dad.


"God is, even though the whole world deny him.  Truth stands, even if there be no public support.  It is self-sustained."

- Mohandas Gandhi

I honestly thought I would not publish this blog.  It seemed too insane, yet, it's The Truth.  It is my self-sustained Truth.  Yesterday, I was watching Charles Stanley perform a sermon.  I really don't watch him, but I was having a hard morning after a sleepless night.  He said that, "if we listen carefully and are patient, God would give us subtly quiet messages."  I've always received them that way. I've written about them that way.  I prefer to watch and read Joel Osteen.  Yesterday, He said that, "people who were struggling, such as addicts, should have a Warrior mentality."

I'm an addict who needs recovery.  I've never been a Christian, but I was for a very short time raised in Christianity.  I was asked to write and give my dad's eulogy while meeting with a preacher at a Christian church.  Man Smart (Woman Smarter)  got pregnant with Althea while I was at a Christian program - CityTeam.  We were, of course, divorced.  In fact, coincidently enough, I just got a call from someone I was in CityTeam with three years ago.  I hadn't heard from anyone from CityTeam in at least two years. 

I may not be a Christian, but it has connected to some very important events.  It's connects me to parenthood, that's for sure.  I will also say that some of my clearest childhood memories of my mother were, #1 - The day I found her dying when I was 12.  #2 - My mother pouring communion at the Church of Christ we lived next door to in Morrow, Ohio when I was 5.  I never understood this part.  It was a very confusing time for me.  Even though I was only 5, it's becoming more clear.

Speaking  of Warrior mentality.  This morning, I was on my way to Walgreens and I was wondering about that subtle message that God always coincidently provides.  I always have written how it was subtle.  It comes moments after I am having thoughts.  Messages from God have appeared on billboards, sidewalks (both in chalk and permanently written after poured), railroad tracks and paint and this time, it was a newspaper.  I'm a marketing major who has worked for 3 newspapers.  I'm now a writer (don't we all understand that?).  I began looking around and I saw this:

This was in The Examiner today.  I worked for The San Francisco Chronicle.

Top of the World.  I guess I've been writing about that.  Remember?  I did the moment I saw it.  God usually tells me to "keep writing", "I have a story to share" or "I have song to share".  This time, it combined another thing about my believing in God - sports.  I hope to get to that in a future blog.  But it combined Christianity, writing, newspapers and sports.  All of this to me means - God.  No one believes in me because of me.  I must believe in God.  This has been a clear message - to me.

The Warriors are about to be in The Finals.  It looks like they may be playing The Cleveland Cavilers.  If there was ever a team I would want my hometown team to beat, it would be Cleveland.  My stepmothers family is from Cleveland.  I saw my first Grateful Dead show in Cleveland.   I was tripping on LSD.  Wow!  Was that an amazing show.  I'm not completely clear, but  I'm pretty sure the song that hooked me was Friend of the Devil. 

During the set break, I saw all of these "crazy hippies" standing around holding hands.  I didn't know what it was.  It turns out, it was The Wharfrats.  The Wharfrats are recovering addicts.  I have been the secretary of The Wharfrats in San Francisco.  My 12 step sponsor puts tables together at Grateful Dead related concerts and other  jambands.  He put them together for the Santa Clara shows.  My sponsor just moved to San Jose, which is right down the road.  

While in Cleveland another time, Terrapin Station told me not to drink on the way to the show.  He said cops were watching from the trees.  They were!  I drank in the car.  We got motioned to pull over.  Those of us who were drinking in the car got a ticket.  Thankfully they didn't find the LSD.  That night, The Grateful Dead covered I Fought The Law by The Jerry Fuller FourYou know, "I fought the law and the law won..."  The next night, I didn't use anything.  I had been to quite a few shows by this time, but I had never been to one clean and sober.  It wasn't the same as trippin my brains out, but I heard the music.  Music is in my soul.  I'm supposed to be a miracle.  I can't keep using.  The only way I have been to live music for the past ten years is clean.

While I was taking photos for a film project that my friend, I'll call Rochambeau, has put together about a  non-profit group that feeds many in San Francisco.  The film is for The LGBT Film Festival.   Rochambeau is in fact a miracle.  His 10 year clean birthday is June 7.  This film he made is a Good film for a Good project.  This non-profit group feeds many in San Francisco.  While I was at Mission Delores Park taking photos of the playground put in by two of the people who help start the non-profit organization, I was seriously considering all I had lost from using.  I was heading towards the playground and was thinking how so many of my memories have been bad ones.  I thought to myself, "I guess if I stay clean, they can be...."  And then I looked down:

God is Good and Good is God.  That's my Truth.  God is The Truth and The Truth is God.  See where my Truth is coming from?

Remember how I said iron and paint represented solid messages from God?   My sponsor, who is miracle, just moved to San Jose.  I'll be taking CalTrain to see him.  That's Good.  The Grateful Dead show is in Santa Clara.  A ticket to that show is a miracle. That's Good.  I'll be taking CalTrain there too. 

Which takes us back to Burnside, Kentucky.  My Uncle Danny's and my Pop's childhood home.  The place where I got "hit" by a train.  I wrote the song  I titled Tequila and Trains after that incident.  I also quit drinking tequila.  Terrapin Station was at both of these Tequila and Train related events.  He was also at The Grateful Dead Show at MSG above Penn Station.  He loved bluegrass.

"Write the short version."  I used to think of my family when I heard The Grateful Dead play Cumberland Blues.  I was recently "telling" my uncle via "voices" that  he would like that song.  I never got the blues part for someone like me.  I wasn't born at the bottom of a lake.  I get the blues part now.

I shouldn't be alive.  I'm suppose to be a miracle.  I survived a suicide attempt.  I'm grateful I got a chance to go with my little brothers to Uncle Danny's. We went to his farm and met his horse, Buck.  My little  brothers were also introduced their true blood mother - my second cousin.  She lives in Burnside.  The fact that I made that trip has miracle written all over it.  I would not have gone back had I not survived.  I can't claim a recovery birthday in this blog.  I've learned that.  With that in mind, I heard the closing lyrics to this song, for me.  "I don't know now, I just don't know.  If I'm coming back again."

So here's to The Bush family, The Love family and The Beaty family.  My Uncle J.D. (John David) always called me his "namesake".  Here's to you J.D.  Here's to you Granny Love.  Here's to you Pop.  Here's to you Uncle Danny.


Another Miracle!  I used. That's NOT the miracle.  The Universe.  We'll get to that in the next, Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog.  Another message came from The Universe -Live Life.  It was Cincinnati's suggestion.  Cincinnati coincidently enough posted a photo of himself and titled it - Live Life.  We has just discussed how The Universe  communicates to us, our way.  It was of him at night with a "light" behind him. 

His soul felt mine.  Art, especially visual art, speaks to me.  It's in in my soul.   "Heard."  Prayer helps.   "Write the short version."  I'll get to all of that.  For now, back to Burnside, Kentucky.  It's in my blood.  Here's to you Burnside, Kentucky!

I can't stay here much longer, Melinda
The sun is getting high
I can't help you with your troubles
If you won't help with mine
I gotta get down
I gotta get down
Gotta get down to the mine

You keep me up just one more night
I can't stop here no more
Little Ben clock says quarter to eight
You kept me up till four
I gotta get down
I gotta get down
Or I can't work there no more

Lotta poor man make a five dollar bill
Will keep him happy all the time
Some other fellow's making nothing at all
And you can hear him cry

Can I go, buddy, can I go down
Take your shift at the mine
Gotta get down to the Cumberland mine
Gotta get down to the Cumberland mine
That's where I mainly spend my time

Make good money, five dollars a day
If I made any more I might move away

Lotta poor man got the Cumberland Blues
He can't win for losing
Lotta poor man got to walk the line
Just to pay his union dues

I don't know now, I just don't know
If I'm coming back again
I don't know now, I just don't know
If I'm coming back again
I don't know now, I just don't know
If I'm coming back again

"I don't know now, I just don't know
If I'm coming back again"

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