My last blog was actually pretty positive. Yesterday, I even photographed an event here for the newspaper as I was asked to do. I was also excited about my new possibilities believing they may even help me establish something for me to put on my resume. After all, I did once work at The San Francisco Chronicle. I have also been writing for years. I have been an artistic photographer and street artist for 8 years.
The problem with that (street artist part) is I am physically unable to do that any more. I used to and would have to push it all on a cart a pretty long ways. In addition to being physically unable, I guess it could be said that I am also mentally unable. I guess that's the best way to put it since I am an addict.
I was recently, once again, taken by surprise when one of my doctors began talking about my "exit plan". Don't get me wrong, I want to get on with life someday, but I am physically unable. I have so many things going on right now also. I'm in the process of seeing if I'll get my insurance. I would really like to see if that is going to work out first. The group who is working on that for me is waiting on medical records from the hospital I am in. I did what I could to make sure that is going to happen. I'm told they'll be faxed - Monday.
I take so much medication also. I don't even know how much I get and when! It's not that I can't learn, but.... I'm just so exhausted over all this. Mentally.... Well, I'm told I have brain damage, but I think I'm okay most of the time. I have tears in my eyes now. I'm going to go eat dinner. I'll be back to write later, or whenever.
Well, I'm back from dinner. I feel better. I happened to run into three guys. Two of them are guys that I have been told to talk to if I have any questions about anything important here. They are both residents. I am actually pretty good friends with one of them. He is also with the news paper. The third guy used to be a resident. It turns he got here the same way I did. He is an addict who attempted suicide by jumping off a rooftop. All three of them told me to not be worried about being asked to leave. They told me I could leave when I wanted to.
I do believe them for saying this, because I know they have all made it possible. I am especially feeling better about the guy who is a lot like me, because he is a lot like me! He left when he was able and he went to a residential drug rehab program for 3 months and he now has an apartment that he was helped to get. I even know a few of his relatives. His mom and dad are very successful street artist who I have known and respected for years. An uncle of his is involved with and helps a very important group that I have been a part of when I have been clean - The Wharfrats. The Wharfrats is a group of dead heads who have decided to live their lives and attend their shows clean - and together. In fact, I was the secretary of one of the two weekly meetings in San Francisco. I also know his uncle. It sure is a small world - in our world.
While I do feel better, I am nervous - about me. These guys made it clear that the doctors will always try to push you out. I'm sure the doctors are pressured to do so. After all, they are kind here and do seem to care. I worry about my ability to be "persuaded". In fact, two days ago I was asked to leave the room I was in. I had a private room. My nurse told me not to let them persuade me and that I had a right to keep that room, but I was of course persuaded. I was told that a woman needed the room and there was a double room that had an empty space that was occupied by a man that I could be moved into since I was also a man. I of course felt that a woman needed to be in this hospital so here I am. - in my new room! I do miss my privacy, but this new room does have an entire wall that is made of windows. My roommate is also quiet enough. In fact, my typing right now is probably bothering him. I've been told by many that I type loud. I type with purpose! I'll admit, I get things done when I want things done. This of course means that when I feel physically able get on with my life - I will! I want to.
Anyway, I do feel better. I do want to finish this, but now I hear another one of my friends I've made down the hall chatting it up with those guys, so I'll be back in a few to finish up. I'll try to keep this one short and positive. The Truth is, I do have a lot of negative physical issues about me that I want to finish this blog with. These issues are part of the reason I want them to understand that I am not ready to leave and I want them to understand that I need time. So as the once governor of California, Arnold Swarzenegger used to say, "I'll be back."
I'm back. I do feel a lot better now. I spent some more time with my friends. The one friend I said I could hear "chatting it up" and I hung out for a couple hours. I'm helping him make a decision on what kind of camera to purchase and I am teaching him how to be a photographer. I like helping people. I do like this place. It is not as if I want to just be here though. I do want to move on. It turns out the other guy I met who gave me all the good information and is a lot like me is actually a mentor here. So I know he is giving good advice.
I do still fear leaving. I am just physically a lot more sick than I appear. I'll admit, I do always try to put on a positive attitude and appearance while here, but I need to honest about my reality when I am alone. Plus, I really want to utilize the incredible services offered here to get better. I thought that's what this was all about. I thought that is why I was holding off on physical therapy - to help me walk until I became "weight barring" on my feet and my lower back bone. I mean I was looking forward to utilizing the brand new weight room and swimming pools to help me get back to being someone who could walk and have other improvements in my physical being to be more normal. Like I said, I do have a lot of physical issues. I just don't feel the street would be as beneficial of a place to heal myself on as I did before. I do have a lot further to go this time. And, honestly, I will likely always have issues. That hurts for me to write, but....
That doctor let met know that I could be exited once I became weight barring on my lower areas! This is ridiculous to me. I really will work hard to get out of here also. I mean, I used to run 5 miles a day and do 100 sit ups and 70 push ups per day - on the street, before all this! Please, please give me a chance to get healthy enough to be in drug rehab facility so I can make the best of my horrible mistake.
A part of me that I really don't like to talk about with anyone is the part that I really don't want to be in a place other than where I am for now. I mean, if it doesn't keep getting better, I guess I'll have no choice. However, it does seem to be getting better, very slowly, but very surely. I have a lot going on in my "going to the restroom" issues. I won't get into all the detail, but it sometimes takes me a long time. That long time is painful. I also really need a very private setting. This something I really probably shouldn't type, but I'm trying to keep this thing about The Truth.
(It is the next day, and I have to add a quick little something. Last night, at about 1:30 in the morning, I had the most painful episode I just spoke of. It is not something "being in a shelter" would have made sense in. I even discussed it with the nurses it was so bad. I feel better today, but I just needed to point that out. I felt it to be awfully strange timing. Oh well, I do see the words I started the next paragraph with, so I'll keep proof reading so I can post this blog.)
God really is good. I know that. I truly believe everything will work out. I'll probably meet with my new mentor friend next week. We kind of scheduled to do so next Thursday. He said that I could meet with his boss. I really am amazed by this guy. He really gives me some hope and he is actually pretty inspiring. He actually lost his leg when he jumped. He now has a prosthetic leg. It is a very nice one from what I can see. It really looks like the kind someone can run in. I'm not too familiar, but it really looks nice. I just see this man as a man who now knows how to get what he wants and needs.
I really do just want my experience here to be remembered as a good one. I really do love this place. I hope and pray they just give me a little more time! It is so important to my well being. I think I may have said it earlier, but, I look at it as, "If you save my life, at least give me something to live for!" When my doctor spoke of putting me in a homeless shelter, I just felt so depleted. She told me how shelters let people stay all day if they are handicap. I know this, because I was once in homeless shelters. I don't want to stay in them all day. I'm just afraid it would eventually somehow put me on the wrong path. I promise you that what I wrote the other day, without even really planning on posting it, is not how I feel now. It did speak truth to how I felt a couple of days ago - right after the doctor let me know how she was feeling about my exiting.
Actually, when I was just looking for the file that I wrote and saved, I found it under my Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog file. However, I named the file "Crazy Talk". It is! So, this is what I wrote:
It worries me. Because I am in so much
pain. Perhaps I will use again one day. Then, I will likely kill
myself. It's not like I'm making some sort of cry out for help.
Perhaps I am. The bottom line is, the day I start shooting up, my
call's out for help will end. Based on the way things have gone for
me in my addiction pattern means that since my last drug run was only
2 ½ months, my next one will be a lot shorter. The run before that
was probably 1 ½ years. It landed me homeless and in a dark
place. The one before that was probably a few years long. It landed
me in the ICU.
That's all I wrote a couple of days ago. I won't bother editing it. It's not really how I feel, however, I will not deny that another relapse will likely be a death sentence for me. Hopefully, knowing that will help me stay clean. I really do not ever want to kill myself! It's really just to complicated of a subject so I'll stop.
I love people. I love so many people. I love my family so much. More than ever. I love my friends so much. I have lots of friends in San Francisco and in Cincinnati. I love them more than ever. I mean what I say. Just saying this AND knowing this makes me smile from ear to ear. (Proof reading it today brought tears to my eyes.) I really want to feel this way. I think that if I can continue to do the next right thing and be honest about how I am feeling, I will feel this way. It will also be better for others if I feel this way. Give me a chance to do some physical therapy. I mean my oldest brother, who I love beyond explanation these days, is a physical therapist. I want to share with him and let him help me along the way! I love and respect him so much for being a physical therapist. As a child, he needed physical therapy. This was a very new practice back then. It seems to me that he chose to help people as he was once helped.
I want live to be as nice as it can for someone like me. I'm willing to accept that fact that I'll never walk again or my restroom issues will never be solved, but please give me some time to work on those things. They gave me lots of time to lay here and not. I utilized all that time in art class, morning news, coffee meetings, upper body Thi Chi and lots of time spent back at the farm. I even introduced the farm to residents and guests who now really enjoy it. I do feel I am an positive person for this place.
I'm really tired right now. That's the other thing I was concerned about with my departure. All these drugs they give me! It's a lot - all the time! I'm recently told that, "Once we're gone, we're not their problems." Or something like that. I don't like to think of this place that way, but I really do have no idea how to medicate myself. And, I know many rehabs do not want to medicate me the way I am medicated. I feel this at least means I need time to be weaned off all these drugs. I hope I can be some day. They give me so many! Then there is my brain damage. I'm confused. Or tired. Perhaps I'll go to sleep and proof read this tomorrow. Tomorrow is Saturday. Saturday means - No Doctors, so all will be quiet in that department. I think I'll hang out with the animals tomorrow. Maybe I'll go outside and play some guitar!
Again, it's the next day. Perhaps I'll go outside and learn a new song! I mean it is a Beautiful Day! I can even enjoy this near daily San Francisco fact from my room. My new room is nice. One wall is almost completely windows looking over the entrance to my section of this huge hospital!
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| Thanks for helping me represent here Aunt Donna! |
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| It is a nice room. Perhaps I need some of my art or cards I have been sent on the walls, since I do hope to stick around! |
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| I miss my privacy, but I do love these windows! |
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| This is pretty much my world these days. The only thing missing is the digital piece of equipment I used to take this photograph - my camera. |
U2 live @ Slane Castle
The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town
You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere
You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace
It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination
You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day
Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case
See the world in green and blue
See China right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out
See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood all the colors came out
It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day
Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case
What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day
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