Hero

I dropped a long way, so I have to pray for a lot.  I think it is not wrong for me to expect to have issues for the rest of my life.  Just being able to write, "The rest of my life", is pretty amazing.  I must never forget that.

The days when I begin to feel sorry for myself for having pain or something else caused by what I did on January 15th, I need to stop and remember that I need to be grateful.  I need to be grateful that I am alive.  I need to be grateful that I am clean.  I have 90 days clean today.  That is a pretty amazing thing unto itself!  I've reached the milestone of 90 days so many times before.  Every time  has mattered!  I hope, pray and believe this will be my last time I have 90 days clean.  What I mean is, I believe I will stay clean forever.

January 15th, 2013 will always be a big date in my life.  It's the day I got clean.  It is also the day I attempted suicide.  Feeling good about getting clean that way doesn't sound so good to me.  That's a dark day for me.  I do hope it will be the day that crazy drug induced an action that will help me stay clean - forever.  That said, it will still be important that I work a recovery program for the rest of my life.  In the past, I have done many things that have created life threatening situations and I still continued to use. 

I have lost so much.  I have nearly lost my life in the past.  I lost the person who once saved my life.  She found me turning blue with blood coming out of my mouth and I was having a seizure about 3 years ago.  That person was my high school sweetheart.  She may have been my soul mate, but, I do believe God does have a way of fixing something that my dark days of addiction could not complete.  I do believe the best will happen for her.  It just might be the path I need to fulfill now also.

Back to me I guess.  Will I ever be the person I once was.  The person who could wake up at 5:00 AM, run five miles and do 100 sit ups ad 70 sit ups.  It would take me about 45 minutes to do all this.  I usually had earphones full of Godsmack for those 45 minutes.  I'd get that runners high about 5 minutes into my run.  I miss that.  My eyes fill with tears just writing about it.  In fact, I'm choking so much right now as a direct result of my injuries. 

I can't finish meals because I can't swallow.  I also have trouble breathing.  Swallowing is an issue even when I'm not eating.  I just got back from the Ear Nose and Throat Specialist.  He stuck a tiny little camera into my nose and down my throat.   He told me I had very large lump in my throat.  I could tell there was something blocking everything for me.  It was caused by the tube I had down my throat for a month when I was in a coma.  Thank God, it will get better.  Just like the rest of the things in my life, it is getting better.  For that I am grateful.  They are going to add some medication to my day for a couple of months. 

More pills!  I must take more than 50 a day!  I am getting better.  I am alive.  I can't forget this.  January 15th will be the day that I got to survive!  I was discussing that night with some guys here, and I actually had more memories. 

I remember climbing up on an overpass that was under construction for CalTrain over the road.  It was a treacherous climb, but I was use to those.  Once up their, I realized it was not high enough to kill me.  I considered running in front of a CalTrain going 50mph, but remember thinking that would be wrong for the driver to have to experience.  After all, the whole reason I needed to kill myself was so I could stop hurting people.  The last thing I needed to do was hurt someone by letting them help me kill myself. 

Those memories were entirely new to me today.  They are sick, twisted and dark.  I was getting that way every time I came down.  Still, I would choose to use again.  I would use because it made me feel so good and I made it through my insane thoughts the last time.  I used believing I would make it through those insane thoughts of dying all the time, because I always managed to get through them before.  Those evil things got so close to me so many times, yet I chose to avoid them.   I nearly didn't make it January 15th.  It is so much more complicated than I am explaining but it is important I stop writing about all this.

I have to be grateful for that day. I have to care about all those people I thought I was killing myself for.  That would be pretty much everyone I've ever known, but especially those I have been close to.  Those people are beautiful.  I awoke to something amazingly beautiful to me.  Just writing about it and the though of it lifts my soul in ways I don't know how to explain.  It feels so good right now.  I'm smiling so big right now.  It's beautiful.  The people behind me are saying that, "Once you have that hearing, you will be connected all the time."   They have no idea what I am writing.  They are saying things about spirituality.  It's so strange to hear them speak like this.  I know them.  They are good people, but they rarely speak about God which is what one of them just did.  He even mentioned The Bible.

I will read my Bible this evening.  The first time I was taken to my storage, I retrieved my Recovery Bible that my Aunt and Uncle bought me years ago.  That book means so much to me.  I really need to focus on it again.  Months ago, when I did, my life was amazingly heading in the right direction. 

I have to be grateful for life and whatever I am capable of.  Apparently I'm capable of working for this Hospitals News Paper.  I am going to get interviewed on Wednesday about an issue that the paper is about to write about.  It's new to me, however, my life is so currently affected by the details of what the story will be about. It's about how Medi-Cal is being reduced.  I am supposed to find out if I get Medi-Cal this week.  This is a huge issue for me.  I don't like to talk about too many details about my reality, but it is HUGE for me.  Being on life support in the ICU and having many surgeries add up to be quite a bit.  I hope and pray it all works out.

God is huge for me.  I promise that.  I know that.  When I stay spiritually connected, things do go may way.  When I don't, they don't.  I have been lately.  I want to be more.  I have increased my connection simply because it feels good.  Not because this has to happen, or that has to happen.  I just get spiritually connected because I care about people around me and I care about my friends and my family.  I pray for people.  Toward the end, I do pray for myself.  I will admit, this does happen and that does happen. 
 
That being said,  I do have so much I have to hope and pray for this last time.  It seems I've come a long way.  The guy behind me just said, "I've been reading The Bible for so long..."  Again, this is not their usual conversation and I don't think they are looking over my shoulder.  I usually write in my room, but this time, I'm writing in the dining area.
 
Please know that I am not suggesting everyone read The Bible.  I will also say, "It is a good book to read."  It does seem to be a book that has helped me.  Please know that if you are a middle eastern person, The Curran, may be your book.  I have to admit, when I was homeless, I did read the Curran and it scared me.  It just made me realize that I needed to be forgiven for my sins!  I later started to believe this.  I've honestly been a bad person and that is just The Truth.  I have referred to God as The Truth. 

Now I hear people in the dining room behind me saying, "God bless you!"  I have to admit, this typing out here is.... Wow.  Now this guy is saying how he used to be "an atheist" and "How God comes to us when we least expect it."  I have my back to them, but I have a smile from ear to ear. 
 
This blog has been so confusing to me lately.  Right now, I see colors flashing and swirling all over this screen.  I'm told I have brain damage, but that it will heal.  It seems everything  I have wrong with me physically will heal.   I have no idea if I have written what I am about to write, but I just got back from an appointment for my problems swallowing.  Since I have brain damage, I do have memory problems, so....

 I have to admit, I did write about it already.  I just scrolled up to check.  I do want to say that it is something that went my way - like things seem to do when I do the next right thing and believe and pray. 
 
I guess these people behind me now are currently talking positively to a guy here that really isn't doing to well.  I have to admit, being in a setting like this with people who are really not doing very well, makes me pray for people all the time.  I even pray for my family and friends more.  I even pray for my own health more when I see people in really bad shape.  I don't ask for much.  I just pray for little things.  Things like I can run 5 miles again some day.  Please God.  Please.
 
If there was ever a time of The Universe communicating to  me at just the right time, it as to be now.  I mentioned how I was in the dining room. Well, I eventually had dinner and left.   I first went to the front desk to schedule an appointment so I could go pick up my new wireless phone tomorrow. 
 
A couple of days ago, I went to the store to show them how the screen goes completely white sometimes on my wireless phone.  It never did turn white while in the store, of course.  Right as I was getting into my friend Dave's SUV, the screen went white!  He took it in and showed them.  Now, I get a free one!  So now I get to go pick it up tomorrow.  It just feels like when I do the right things, good things do happen.
 
So I came back to my room.  It looks beautiful.  I keep it nice and clean.  My favorite nurse, as I like to call her, makes my bed nice everyday.   She makes my bed really nice.  It feels nice to live this way. 
 
 

 

 

Just Chillin to the TV and my laptop feels so nice!  It feels nice to be able to put my legs like this!  A month or so ago, there was no way.  I couldn't even move my left leg when I woke up - at all.  I could barely move my right and I didn't brake anything in it. I did however shatter my lower backbone and I broke my pelvis in two places.  I was told I have nerve damage.

 
Well, after getting off my wheel chair and onto my bed, I was on my back, but needed to start getting it ready to finish this blog as I am doing now.  This requires that I readjust the bed.  I needed to get the covers down and lift up the plastic side rails and pull up the remotes that control the back of the bed and the TV and radio. 
 
Well, I was laying on my back and started to roll over.  It would really help if I could get up on my hands and knees to complete all I need to do.  This is something I dare never try due to my injury.  Well, I tried it.  I did it.  I was on all fours - two hand and two knees! 
 
It hurt really bad.  My back hurt so bad.  Also, my left arm is unable to be completely straight.  Both of my elbows were shattered.  I can fully straighten my right one, but my left on remains fixed a 45 degree angle.  I believe it will always be.  Both of my elbows were fixed with metal and screws.  Having that arm bent, caused me to be a little crooked while on all fours, but I was still amazingly grateful.

So, I was in pain, but I was also so amazed that I could be on all fours.  This used to be so easy, but it's hard now and it hurt.  I started to cry.  I cried out of pain and out of joy.  Right in front of me was the remote for the TV and radio in the room.  I turned it on.  I never really listened to this very popular "light rock" song before, but when I heard it just coming on and listened to the words, I cried so hard.  It was just one of my recent moments in The Universe I cannot deny.  I was in pain, yet I was so touched and so moved by every word of this cheesy song!  Now I laugh! :)  Life is getting a little better, slowly but surely.

Please, do yourself a favor.  Believe in something.  Pray to that something.  I don't like to preach, but please know that if it's possible for me, then it is possible for anyone.  I mean that.

I'll admit, I've never been much of an Enrique fan, but The Universe sure threw this one at me at the right time. Enrique's words sure could have been that big guy in the skies at a time when I was already on my hands and knees and confused about the emotions I was experiencing!   I'm never to proud of something like this, but, I'm sure my neighbors could hear me cry.

 

 

Let me be your hero

Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back?
Would you cry if you saw me crying?
Would you save my soul tonight?

Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh? Oh, please tell me this.
Now would you die for the one you love?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Would you swear that you'll always be mine?
Would you lie? Would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind?
I don't care. You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you, oh, yeah.

Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind?
Well, I don't care. You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain, oh, yeah.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

(I can be your hero, baby)
I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.
And I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.