Home

This place I am currently staying feels a little bit like home.  I guess if feels as much like home as any place I have lived in almost 2 years!  I lived in a hotel for about 4 months.  That felt like home - for the first couple months.  Once I relapsed, it did not feel like home at all.  It felt like people there wanted to kill me.  That's not a fun home.
 
When I was in the rehab for 4 1/2 months, it felt more like home than what I had experienced for the previous 8 months, which was homelessness.  Homelessness felt nothing like home.  It was hard.  It was especially hard, because I was usually so tweaked out my head.  Once I did crash, that concrete sidewalk worked as home.  I loved putting a blanket over my head.  I can remember the days when going to sleep like that was my favorite part of my day or night.
 
That rehab I mentioned, I tried to view it as home, but the house manager yelled at me in a meeting for doing so.  He demanded that,  "IT WAS NOT HOME.  It was a program, and I had better get that straight!"  I just figured the residents should do the best they could do treat it like a home.  I thought we should take care of it and honor one another - like people do at their homes.  Eventually, that manager was on the committee that had me exited from the program.  I was exited for a non-exitable offence.  I do still like that man.  We just disagreed sometimes. 

I believe I was exited more for this blog than the "action" I was exited for.  I wish I would have never named that program in this blog and things may have been different.  I never named people, unless they asked me to.  I always used nicknames.  I mean, it was a drug program and most people do seek anonymity.  I still feel like what I did was wrong enough for me to end up here.  Or I'd at least say she got me on the wrong path that day, that is for sure. 

As far as why I named that program in this blog.  I did so the day I found out they would take me into the program.  At the time, I found nothing wrong with naming a program I believed was saving my life.  I just remember be excited and writing about how I was excepted into "That Program".
 
Anyway, what am I babbling about now?  I do love this place.  It really does feel like home to me.  Last week, I was asked to plan my exit strategy.  That sure made me anxious!  Technically, I am homeless.  My last "job" was very physically demanding and I can't really imagine I could be physically able to do that job again any time soon. 

I have improved so much.  I hear people say that all the time here.  People are so amazed at how far I've come and how good I look.  That said, I still can't imagine doing what I did anytime soon.  I am still in a lot of pain - especially at night. I pray I can walk in a few months! In about 2 1/2 weeks I have an appointment that will determine if my bones and muscles in the lower half of my body are capable of beginning physical therapy so I can begin learning how to walk again.  I can tell it will be challenging.  For one, my left ankle is in a lot of pain and is very stiff.  It was shattered.

The other main issue is my lower back bone.  It too was shattered.  It too is painful.  I must say it is a different kind of pain.  It sure feels a lot more tricky to figure out when it comes to walking.  I feel a little crooked back there sometimes.  Some nights, I awake to the most serious pain I have ever experienced in my life.  This pain can be all along my backbone and all over my back sometimes.  Sometimes, just lying on my back is painful.  Sometimes, just lying on my side is painful.  Lying on my stomach is physically impossible.  I'm not sure if it will ever be.

Life is getting better.  I don't mean to keep talking about all this pain stuff.  Basically, I was asked to begin looking for a new home - someday.  I have.  I don't want this to be home for the rest of my life, that's for sure.  That said, I am starting to learn how that is in fact what this will be for many patients here.  It will be home.  I'm really learning to love many patients here.  Sometimes, I struggle with some of the patients here.  I struggle with their personalities.  I am starting to learn to accept that many of them struggle with mental illnesses as well as physical.  It seems their mental illness issues occurred during their injuries.

In fact, I was reminded that I too may struggle a bit from mental illness.  I am certainly someone who has brain damage.  I even got a routine call from the first hospital I was in to question me about it.  I will receive check up calls for my first year.  I found it interesting actually.  Many of the symptoms they asked if I was having,  I was.  I just thought "those" things were occurring because I was an addict or I was on pain medication. I also believed I may simply be having such feelings as a result of someone who was recently divorced from his high school sweet heat or perhaps from someone who recently attempted suicide.  I can't deny these facts that I struggle to bring myself to terms with.  The other thing she questioned me about was something I am just now struggling with - sudden emotional breakdown.  In other words, I start to cry.  I am a bit of an emotional wreck these day.

I will be okay.  I'm getting better every day.  I'm heading in the right direction.  Good things are happening!  In fact, that computer I dropped a couple months ago that had some of my important tax information on a spreadsheet did something for me it would never do after I dropped it - it lit up it's screen!  It was blinky and tricky, but I got what I needed before tax season.  I could also get the numbers the State Board of Equalization needed from me a couple a months ago or they were going cancel my sellers permit.  I basically overestimated my sales by $800.00 to them.  This means I paid them about $72.00 too much.  $72.00 is a lot to me, but I was glad I overpaid instead of underpaid.

I can't remember everything that keeps happening for me that is so good, but they do!  Lets see.  I recently tried to install my adobe Photoshop to my new computer.  I got the disc, but I don't have the plastic disc holder.  I keep the disc in a holder that is meant to store many discs safely and in a place they can easily be found!  I even had my serial number stored on a piece of paper taped up to the door of the piece of furniture I stored my computer supplies.  My not being someone who moved my stuff from my place a couple months ago mattered with this little issue. I also have the disc stored somewhere.  It just happens to  be "somewhere" in my storage unit. 

That green one on the top left is Adobe Photoshop.  I'd say that most of the discs in this container are photography software.  I'd say most of them need a serial number.  Oh well, it will work out.  I got the cases - somewhere.  I'll bet I don't need a serial number for the Epson 3800 printer disc  of mine!  One thing I have always realized is that everything always does work out as long as I'm always doing the next right thing. 

Anyway, I thought it might be possible to retrieve such a number.  Perhaps if I contacted Adobe.  So I did a search for such a thing and many things popped up.  Well, like a dummy, I clicked on some that were not adobe and started downloading some program that would give me a serial number.  I must admit,  I was tired and felt loopy in the head that evening - what's new?  Ultimately, I ended up getting a new home page.  They were huge ads about losing weight every page!  I'd get huge ads on my Facebook page, especially when I opened Notifications.  They were so big, they interfered with everything.  I even got pop-ups telling me that windows needed to shut down!  Ahh!  I was so, so crazy over this.  I mean this computer is brand new!

Well, long story short, I removed every single problem!  Every One!  I mean, I felt so Awesome.  I prayed to God for help with this.  I prayed my friend who came by Friday would figure it out.  I prayed my computer would be new and normal again someday.  Well, the person who ended up causing me to think in the right direction, is the person who always did that for me - Susan.  We spoke and she calmed me down and reminded me something I basically already knew how to do.  I essentially went to Programs and Features, located on my computer, and found every program that was installed 2 days ago and I had all of them to be removed.  There were so many.  I got them all! 

I'm not sure why I couldn't figure that out on my own, but I am grateful for her.  She seems to be doing well.  She's very busy, but well.  I miss what we had when it was good, but that's another whole story unto itself for me.  It is a huge one for my insane brain damaged mind in this hospital.  I know were over and I want her to have a great family life.  Enough said about that.

Lately, I've been going to this morning group.   We all have coffee and read the newspaper.  We all discuss current events.  It's a very interesting group of people, and I enjoy it.  Well, today a woman from the hospital happened to stop in.  I believe she is the Communications Director for this large and beautiful hospital.  She is definitely in communications.  Well the hospital is in the process of renewing their news paper.  It seems they like its focus to be on its residents.   It seems they would also like its contents to come from their residents.  The woman who organizes the group I was in this morning introduced me as a "skilled" photographer. 

We ended up speaking for a long time.  She is very interested in my taking photos of people in the hospital.  She thought I could do portrait work of hospital personnel.  I was able to share with her a portrait photo I just happened to take that morning.   I took it of my "favorite nurse" as I like to tell her.  I actually took a photo of her a while back with my computer and although she did not mind having her photo taken, she didn't like that she was wearing a gown.  I promised her I would retake a better photo of her without a gown and with my good camera!  All this went down on a good morning!

Xiao.
She did approve that I use her photo and her name in this blog.  I point this out only because I mentioned how I used nicknames for people in the drug rehab I used to be in. Sometimes people there did ask me to use their real names.  It is important in the newspaper business to get approval from those who are in it.  I guess it is also important in my blog business also!  I need to get used to this habit anyway.   

 

Now, Xiao was a part of something exciting for me to be a part of .   She was the only person on my camera disc this morning, meaning she could be displayed on the camera screen. 

 

I have to say that just about all of the nurses really are friendly and hard working at the hospital.  Perhaps, I'm turning it up a bit since I actually considering the possibility that I could even write for the paper.  I would basically interview patients and photograph them for the paper.  There are very interesting people here who do very much appreciate this wonderful facility.  I can assure you, I do.  I always will. AND, I promise you, I'm not just saying such a thing because I would like to write for the paper and/or be a photographer.  

 

It's simply something that really does open doors for me at just the right moment.  I mean that.  I used to work for newspapers.  I started by working for my college newspaper, The News Record, at The University of Cincinnati and eventually ended up moving to San Francisco to work at The San Francisco Chronicle.  I was in the advertising back then because I had a degree in marketing from The University of Cincinnati.  

 

I have been a professional artistic photographer since 2005.  I sold so many photographs to so many people from all over the world because I was a street artist in San Francisco.  San Francisco is a world class city.  I had to be registered through the San Francisco Arts Commission to hold this entrepreneurial position.  I've also sold my work online and at café and coffee shops.     

 

I have been writing Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog since 2006.   It stared simply as a way for me to share The Truth as I could see it to be at an extremely difficult time in my life.  My dad, who was an alcoholic, had recently died alone in a hotel room in Cincinnati and I was almost killed on the street by being pistol whipped.  My existence in The Universe could not be denied.  Nor could all the strange and amazing things I was seeing "out there".  I have written 198 blogs - 98 in the last year alone.  What a long strange trip its been.

 

The bottom line about all this is that my home will be where my home will be.  I made some hardcore mistakes in the past, but I do know that if I continue to be a good person and do the next right thing, things will be okay.  I will settle down into a home, not matter where that ends up being. 

 

The last hardcore relapse I had, I was so isolated and so full of fear.  Now that that came to an extremely hardcore and dramatic end, it is obvious to me that I will not be alone.  I am so grateful to all of my loving family and friends for convincing me of this recently!  Even when I was told I should plan my "exit strategy", wherever I end up will be my home.  It is important that I settle down, it will all be clear....   

 

 

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home