Well, tomorrow is the BIG DAY. Tomorrow, is the day I'm told if my lower body is weight barring. If my bones are determined to be weight barring, then I will be allowed to see if I can walk again. It seems most Doctors believe I will be able to some day. I believe I will be able to. I'm not sure what it is, but I do feel confident.
Actually, I do know what it is. I pretty much stand up on my right leg holding on to bars when I am in the bathroom. I used to just slide over from my chair to the toilet seat very carefully, mostly using my upper body. It was determined to be weight barring a while ago. I shattered both elbows, but they did seem to heal faster. They do hurt, but not so bad. And, when it comes to doing something so private, I really try to do it!
My shattered left ankle is in so much less pain than it was before. I believe it took the first hit of my 50 foot fall. The second area to hit, was my lower back. My lower backbone shattered. My pelvis broke in two places. It too has been in a lot of pain. I'll admit, when I do try to stand, I do feel kind of crooked. I feel like I can't stand straight up. Kind of like my left arm can only flatten to about a 45 degree angle due to my left elbow being smashed. My elbows must have hit third.
All of these major injuries created a lot of nerve damage also. I am almost as worried about my nerve damage as I am bone damage. In the beginning, my right leg was in a lot of pain because of nerve damage. It has a major effect on my having to go to the restroom. I don't like to discuss the details much, but both ways of using the restroom take so much effort and do hurt. I no longer have to catheterize myself but it is still difficult to urinate. The other part is still incredibly difficult and something I believe I can only accomplish in a private and/or understanding setting. I try to stick with The Truth, but I'll admit, this subject embarrasses me.
I guess, what I am heading for with this writing is the fact that I used to really look forward to the day when I received physical therapy inside this hospital so I could walk. There are just so many helpful facilities here. I really will put 110% into it. I mean that.
I am so looking forward to having an excellent and successful life now that I am ALIVE! You see, I really feel this way - sometimes? It's how I really want to always feel. My brain is so messed up. It's embarrassing how I feel sometimes. My eyes are full of tears right now. I don't like being this way. I want to feel the way I used to feel in life when things were going my way. Being an addict is probably much of the reason. I guess I also have brain damage AND, I am on lots of medication. I don't know what it all is. I get so confused.
I pray I get to start learning how to walk tomorrow. I can't tell you how much it will mean to me if I can walk. I know it won't happen tomorrow. I have faith I will walk some day, but not tomorrow. I guess what I'm mean is I hope they schedule a physical therapy appointment tomorrow for me to try to walk in the near future. I just hope and pray the hospital will give me time to actually walk and be fairly normal in the restroom - in the long run.
I never thought I would have so many worries on - "the trying to begin to walk day." I've just had a lot going on. I've been sad. I miss my family. However, I will get to see them soon. I will go back to Cincinnati some day and see everyone. I will.
My writing doesn't even feel right anymore. It feels so - goofy. I can't even think of a word. I do know this is a real something. I'm not getting my head back as fast as I used to in recovery. I've got somewhere near 100 days (I checked, it's 98) clean and my head is still not all there. I hope it's not that brain damage they tell me about. If so, I hope it too gets better.
I'm sorry it's not what it needs to be. God is the important part. Not to be too "Truthful", but my roommate is sitting behind a curtain about 5 feet from me - pooping! If I would have known this, I would have gotten into my wheel chair and split. Can I???
Okay, I'm back. I did split and went and got me some coffee. I'll say, that is one thing about me. I am getting better. I am capable of quickly getting in my wheel chair and I can move - quick! I've always been quick. Well, not always. A few weeks ago I was not quick! I was sick. This man - sick. He has a long way to go. I remember my days of using a fold up commode. Thank God I had a private room. Thank God, I only used it for a couple of days. I made sure of that!
My beginning days of, "poo, poo", as all the nurses call it were so horrible. In the very beginning, I didn't go. I was so out if it, I didn't realize. Eventually, I became so "compacted". Talk about PAIN! I had one nurse hold me in the front. Another Nurse took a stick and stuck it up me to get everything out! She spun it round and round up there, OUCH! Oh my, I'm so glad it's no longer those days. Wow.
I am getting better, just give me a little more time. I promise you, I'm not here enjoying my neighbors , "poo, poo", session! I wasn't even really paying much attention to what was going on over there, on his side of the curtain, or I would have left a few minutes before. I heard him hit his call button, he simply said, "poo, poo." I thought possibly he already had or he needed help going to the restroom. He's not as hurt as I was, and was able to quickly get to his commode. Like I said, I don't want to stay here. I just really have to physically!
I am much better. I know I'm heading in the right direction. I am a strong person. I'm not bragging, but I just realize that I have been through so much for so long and it has made me strong in those crazy mental ways. When I'm clean, I physically exercise a lot. Heck, when I'm using, I exercise a lot. One night, I walked 40 miles in one night when I was tweaking - literally! After all, It's what the voices order me to do.
The Truth is, I'm really liking "working" here. I like the idea of working for the news paper here. I could spend a lot of time doing so. The Truth is, I have actually started thinking about how maybe I will get to be a street artist again. Or, at least sell my photos some how. With all the time I have, I figured I'd start looking for new images on one of my detachable hard drives to sell. I did find some really amazing high rise photos to consider. I thought how cool they'd look with black mattes and black frames. Or, maybe white on white as one of my old high school friends shared that idea with me today. She bought one of my photos and she wanted it wanted it to be black and white. I loved it! Anyway, here are these awesome images.
The thing about these images is, I took them in October of 2010. I'm breaking down just thinking about it. I'm trying to do so quietly.
Okay, I'm emotionally back a bit. I also took a couple photos that morning while at breakfast. I won't include them. I'm sure she wouldn't mind, but I won't. The photos are of Susan and Phil. We must have had breakfast that morning. We were sitting at a little table outside on the sidewalk. There was a little area to eat. She is smiling and has a big fruity looking breakfast drink in front of her and had Phil on her lap.
I know we're over. We know that. I will always love her. I don't want to be with her, I just miss what we had together sometimes for 22 years. She was my high school sweetheart. I want her and her husband and her daughter to have the most beautiful family life in the world. She deserves the best. Enough.
It's just a hard time for me right now. I'm in a lot of pain in a lot of ways. I do get a lot of loving support. I can't tell you how much I love people these days. I mean that. It's this new sensation for me. I mean, I've always loved people, but this last near death experience has perhaps changed me.
I can't even believe I can even write, "this last near death experience," - my goodness. It has been tough for those who do care about me. I've come really close to death a few times. Even my stepmother pointed that out to me. This one was the worse. It was bad. I was in a unconscious for almost a month and had many surgeries during that time.
I don't ever want to be that way again. I won't. I promise. Well, if it's up to me at least.
I guess being a photographer will make life hard in some ways. I mean I do have a lot of photo memories to look back on. Much of it will truly be heartache. I hope that some day, I can look back and smile at all those great times we had. After all, that's when I had the camera out, when things were good. I hope to make some new good memories in this amazingly beautiful city some day. It's kind of like I am just mourning the end of a relationship. We are still very good friends. I do give her plenty of space for her new relationship of course. It's not as if all my craziness is not a little tough for her, but it seems were good now.
I hope I can walk! I pray I can walk. My Goodness. Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow I may learn a lot. I won't really walk, but they should be able to look at all my X-rays and then start me on the right path. A path of physical therapy that I will heal to my best again. It's all about love.
Yesterday, I was out taking photos. It felt nice taking a walk outside. I saw some homes up on the hills. I smelled that fresh San Francisco air. And, then I began thinking of all it meant to Sus and I. I started to cry. A bit later, I heard the DJ, say he was going to play a San Francisco classic. It was hard at first. This band meant more to Susan and I than any band! However, as I really listened to what these guys had to say, I really heard The Universe. My heart was filled with joy and love so much. I smiled so big. It was such a beautiful day! Wow. I'm sorry, but I'm moved just thinking about it. In fact, I can't wait to post it in a couple minutes and listen to it. I love it! I do think The Universe really speaks for us . Sometimes, when I look and listen, The Universe will play out that way for me. I pray it continues to.
I guess it even kind of takes me back to the first blog I ever wrote on BlogSpot.com after Susan and I divorced and I was homeless. That blog was about a lot of things, but the song I chose was the song Susan and I danced to at our wedding. That song was Standing on the Moon.
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| I took this photo while out front listening to Good Lovin'. |
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| I took this photo some other night while in San Francisco and eventually chose to put it at the beginning of that first blog I began to write again. |
4/24/13
I must quickly add (yeah right), that this is the 10oth blog I have written since I started writing again a little over a year ago. I was homeless. I started writing my blog at the San Francisco Public Library. Although I was homeless, I had started to stay at homeless shelters.
I believed that since my blog had helped me stay clean in the past, it may possibly do so again in the future. I hoped so. I believed writing my blog would at least hold me accountable to the many people I disappeared from and to so many who had no idea what a wreck my life had become. I also believed in the power of The Truth.
Since I was divorced and now homeless, the first blog I chose to write since I relapsed and stopped writing my blog was Standing on the Moon:
Somewhere in San Francisco,
on a back porch in July,
Just looking up to Heaven
at this crescent in the sky
Standing on the moon,
with nothing better to do
a lovely of heaven
but I'd rather be with you
Readership started off pretty slow back then. After I attempted suicide it got to where I got over 200 hits for each blog. In fact, Friends and Lovers, which I posted February 18th got 255 hits.
Readership has started to drop a little since then, however I just broke 10,000 hits today. As of now I have 10,008 hits. I believe that I have a couple hundred readers. Some come and go. Some are very loyal.
Basically, I guess I can now say that I have averaged 100 hits since I started writing a year ago. Pretty cool considering this is my 100th blog since I began writing it again. I hadn't written it since 2010.
You know what else is cool? I have 100 days clean tomorrow. I have 100 days clean today if your one of my "back East" readers. It's 9:48PM on 4/23/13. I'm such a dork about coincidences!
Oh yeah, I'm calling this one Good Lovin', so I thought I should post a couple photos I took today of the Good Lovin' I receive from this hospital.
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| Some of my very nice Nurses chose to do a Charlie's Angels pose for me this morning! They really are sweet, really do care and really are fun to be around sometimes. I really do love this place. |
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| I also chose to go to a "special" art class. It was not during any normally scheduled art class times. When I got there, I was pleasantly surprised to see what we were to decorate. Above is mine. I guess the next class I will get to stain it. |
I don't believe people should fight over religious differences - of any size! For the most part, I believe that any religions that lead to Good Lovin' with God works.
Since it is 4/23 and I have already been to that Doctors appointment to determine if I was weight barring on my lower extremities, it happened. And, so far I'm not. It's not a big deal, but I have to go back to General Hospital on Thursday and have some more tests done. They have to use a special X-ray to see if I have to have another surgery on my ankle. It wouldn't be a really serious surgery and they seemed very confident that I will be able to walk some day. I'll keep you guys posted.
Back to what I wrote on 4/22:
I pray I can stay here for therapy. I pray my physical conditions improve. I pray this night pain doesn't continue - I just got my night medicine so, I pray the pain is not too bad tonight. I pray I can walk some day soon. I pray I can get on with LIFE some day soon - as much as I can. Any amount of a fair shot, I will adore. Deep down inside, I do know this. Thank you God - for LIFE. I will listen to this song and before I go to bed, I am going to read The Bible some. So much of my life is at stake soon. This really means a lot to me. Thank you for all this God. I thank my friends and family for all their support. I also pray for you. God bless you all.
One thing I believe about my future is that whatever happens to me in the next few weeks will happen. For as long I live and as long as I stay clean and I get some GOOD LOVIN', I'll be fine.
I was feelin' so bad
I asked my family doctor just what I had
I said, "Doctor, Mr. M.D."
(Doctor, doctor)
"Now can you tell me what's ailin' me"
(Doctor)
He said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Yes, indeed
All I, I really need
Good lovin'
(Now gimme that good, good lovin')
Good lovin'
(All I need is lovin')
Good lovin'
(Good, good lovin', baby)
Good lovin'
Honey, please squeeze me tight
(Squeeze me tight)
Don't you want your baby to be all right
(Be all right)
I said, "Baby, now it's for sure"
(Baby, it's for sure)
"I got the fever, yeah, and you got the cure"
(Got the cure)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Yes indeed
All I really need
Good lovin'
(C'mon, gimme that lovin')
Good lovin'
(All I need is lovin')
Good lovin'
(Good, good lovin', baby)
Good lovin'
Good lovin'
Good lovin'
Good lovin'
(All I need is lovin')
Good lovin'
(All I want is lovin')
Good lovin'
(Lovin' early in the morning)
Good lovin'
(Lovin' you late at night)
Good lovin'
(Love, love)
Good lovin'
(Love, love, love, love, lovin')
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