Been Caught Stealing

I wrote this blog on 6/30.
 

Wow, all I seem to have right now is writing. I have no phone. Three weeks ago, I bought a HUAWEI Premia 4G LTE phone from MetroPCS on Van Ness and Ellis Streets.

This week, I had a few problems. I could not get online. Then, I could not hear sound. Both of these problems were fixed by calling 611 and allowing them to reset it. Now, it does not work AT ALL!

I went to MetroPCS on Van Ness and Ellis and they told me they had none in stock and it may take a month to get a new one. (They ended up calling me on July 18th to let me know it had come in. Basically, it took 3 weeks to get in.)

Meanwhile, I've already prepaid for the past two days and who knows how many future ones of no phone use. I then called HAUWEI Corporate. They told me I had to mail it to them. They told me they would fix it, mail it back and that it would take a couple of weeks.

I so badly need a phone. I think my old one is in my storage, but I am on "restriction." I can't even go look for it. It is practically new, but I can't remember where I put it. Again, I think it is in storage. I so badly need my phone. I left so many messages with Social Security, MediCal, Health Advocates and The Community Living Fund. I have doctor appointments next week that are scheduled on that phone. I think I remember everything, but my brain is not good. 

Remember in my last blog how I said evil gets into my electronics? It never gives up on me.

I get back to rehab and they tell me they had a new two person room for me. I go into it. It is filthy and there is a guy sleeping on the bottom with no sheets or blankets. I ask if it was his room and told him I was asked to be in this room. I told him I was assigned to be in the room but needed a bottom bunk. He said, "I get the bottom bunk." I said, " I wouldn't mind, but I have a broken back and leg and have to get up many times throughout the night." He said, "I guess you need another room." I'd rather be in the room with jack off psychopath. He may be crazy, but he's nice.

(Later that day.)
 

Shit! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.... Whatever.... I am. I am full of so much anxiety and depression. I need a phone. I'm lonely. I wish I could talk to my family. I do have God. I feel a little distant.

I do hate myself a lot lately. I have wished I never existed at times. Unfortunately, death spelled darkness. Which reminds me that I do need to be grateful for life - for it will eventually lead to light, as long as I stay clean. This is simply a test.

The dark side will never give up on me. It's important that I never give up on God. Since I am so detached right now, I need to do some art for my family. How about I make a card with this beautiful view I currently have in the distance right now. Thank you God. I did. It was beautiful.

(Apparently, that is the card I made of the Golden Gate Bridge. Apparently the first card I made that I wrote about in the last blog, was the one of flowers that I sent to Susan. I mailed the Golden Gate Bridge card to Marilynn.)

(End of the day.)
 

So now the day is almost over. Earlier, I went up stairs, plugged my phone in and the little red light blinked. Since I need that phone and have so much on that phone that I need, I left it plugged in on my desk, hoping it may charge. This is something I never do. Well, after the dinner and the evening meeting, I went to see if by chance it may be working. It's gone! Stolen!

I told the worker in the office and he said I shouldn't have left it out. I know that, but I actually thought it might recharge since the little red light blinked a couple times when I plug it back in. I also thought I should at least report it stolen. I cannot do this place!

45 days and I'm out of here! It has to be that way. I do nothing wrong and I just can't take it anymore. I'm done with his place.

I wrote this part of the blog on 8/4.
 

You know I have to remember the first time I ever stole anything. It was a candy bar at Super X in Loveland when I was 12 years old. I was with my best friend. We got caught and were taken to the police station. They called our parents.

 
I learned my lesson. I said I would never steal again. I meant it. I didn't for many, many years.

Many, many years later, I started stealing money out of Susan's purse. I would never have done something like this in the past. I used to never even use crystal meth in our apartment. I always use to say, " I don't s*** where I eat."
 
I still never stole. I did whatever, anything and everything, I had to do to get my drugs. However, one night, I got pistol whipped in the middle of the night.

The year was 2006. It was only 3 months after my dad died as a result of his alcoholism. Susan kicked me out of the house for the first time ever. Since my dad died away from home, in some ways, she had started to want me to use at home, however, she wanted me to be clean more. She told me to come back when I was clean. I came back about an hour later with a huge gash over my eye. It was gushing with blood. I was selling marijuana at 4:00AM in the wrong neighborhood - my neighborhood.

There were three of them. One of them sucker punched me. I was so wasted. I ran, but, he ran faster. He caught me. He pulled out a gun and said, "Don't make me pop you!". I said "f*** you!" I got pistol whipped. Living was not at the top of my priority list back then.

I refused to go to the hospital that night. Susan begged me to. I finally went the next day. Due to the amount of time that has passed, they were not able to stitch it up. I still have a scar over my left eye.

That cleaned me up for 4 months. I started doing something after that incident. I started writing something called Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog. I was starting to realize that The Universe communicated with me because like very few others on this earth, I had checked out of day to day living. I also wanted to set straight the crazy rumors that were flying around at the time. Some of them were crazier than true and others we're truer than crazy. Only I knew My Truth. I wasn't sure just how much I would reveal about my insane Truth. Once I began writing, I knew that if I were to be believed about all of the amazing things that had been revealed to me, it would be necessary for me to reveal my deepest, darkest and dirtiest secrets. I must tell The Truth. I still have a couple secrets that may need to be revealed.

Many months later, I would relapse. Susan did not want me using out on the street again. She also didn't want me doing the ridiculous and messed up things I used to do to get the drugs. She started giving me money. She wanted me to use in the back room. I got way to use to this. I started taking money out of her purse. In the beginning it wasn't such a big deal. 

After a while, I was basically stealing.

Essentially, it was this that caused our divorce and that got me kicked out of the house making me homeless. While on the street this time, I usually panhandled to get my drugs. Being a crystal meth addict that was coming down, sometimes I craved sugar so badly.

I went back to my old ways. I went back and did something I said I would never do again for so many years. I started stealing again. I didn't steal much. I simply stole candy bars once again. I only did this probably 3 or 4 times. The last time, I got caught stealing two Hershey bars. I was once again at a drugstore - Walgreen's this time.

I did know how wrong it was when I did it. I didn't even want to do it. I felt really bad. I was just so desperate for my sugar fix. Many tweakers also become addicted to sugar. To this day, I intend to pay those stores back the few dollars that I took from them. One day, when I do start making a little bit of money, that will be one of the amends I will make. The other amends I hope to make is to Susan. She swears I owe her nothing, but I'll still pay her. The only other such amend I will have to make, is to MUNI. I used to hop on the back of the bus now and then when I was homeless out here. I probably owe them about $40.

They took back the Hershey bars and kicked me out, but didn't bother calling the police. Stealing is just way too common in this big city. It was two or three candy bars. They didn't waste their time. Still, I never stole again.

Stealing is wrong. We come to this place to change who we are. I don't know why some people don't get that yet. We are where we are. I guess karma is just a "female dog".

Coincidentally enough, that good friend of mine who I first stole with back in Loveland, Ohio when I was 12 years old is coming here at 1 o'clock today. I have not seen this guy for 5 or 6 years. He now lives in Colorado. I'm very much looking forward to seeing my old friend and his very sweet wife.

(Later that day.)
 

I just got to spend the afternoon with my best friend from my Loveland days and his wife. He is one of my rare friends who actually met my mother. His family was really there for me after she died.

They are in town to see Phish. He is a big Phish head. He reminded me of the first Phish show he ever went to. He said that I took him. It was in Louisville, KY.

Since they live in Colorado, I have not seen them for probably 6 years. It was wonderful to see them. Its funny, when I ask them how they like San Francisco, his wife said, "It's dirty". I guess I have just been here for so long, I am used to it. It is a big city. I still find it beautiful. Tony's continued comment about San Francisco over the weekend was, "It's too crowded!" That, I do notice, and that, I do love.

I didn't get to spend as much time with them as I would have if I were not in this program. Actually, if I were not in this program, I would be seeing Phish with them.

I am grateful I got to see them as much as I did. I am on my way back to a normal way of living. I look forward to the day when I am free.

"Been Caught Stealing"

I've been caught stealing;
once when I was 5...
I enjoy stealing.
It's just as simple as that.
Well, it's just a simple fact.
When I want something,
I don't want to pay for it.

I walk right through the door.
Walk right through the door.
Hey all right! If I get by, it's mine.
Mine all mine!

My girl, she's one too.
She'll go and get her a skirt.
Stick it under her shirt.
She grabbed a razor for me.
And she did it just like that.
When she wants something,
She don't want to pay for it.

She walk right through the door.
Walk right through the door.
Hey all right! If I get by, it's mine.
Mine all mine!

We sat around the pile.
We sat and laughed.
We sat and laughed and
Waved it into the air!
And we did it just like that.
When we want something,
We don't want to pay for it.

We walk right through the door.
Walk right through the door.
Hey, all right! If I get by, it's mine,
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine...