Luke 21:34-35
King James Version (KJV)
34 And
take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged
with surfeiting, and drunkenness, and cares of this life, and so that
day come upon you unawares.
35 For as a snare shall it come on all them that dwell on the face of the whole earth.
35 For as a snare shall it come on all them that dwell on the face of the whole earth.
One of the many preachers/pastors who go to the hospital I was in - okay, let's name it - Laguna Honda, gave me these scriptures to read. I like those verses a lot. The angel of darkness manages to place its snares all along my lifes long path.
Some of you probably remember how I got excited from the last drug rehab I was in. It started with me having sex with a scrawny little tweaker chick in the ally I use to live when I was homeless - the day Susan moved back to Cincinnati! (I knew that the angel of darkness was going to throw a snare out for me that day. It was Biblical.) It ended with my being called into the office of the rehab I was in with the director actually reading my blog to me. He must have believed I was a loose cannon or something.
No matter how it happened, I can see "its" plan. I believe darkness constantly plants snares for me to get caught up in down its dark path. That "little" mistake nearly sent me to hell! It would have been "never ending". It may have been the devil himself that gave me that term not too long ago. I was told that Heaven is "Eternal" and hell is "never ending." Again, I'm not sure if it was the devil who said that. It may have been before we "spoke."
(after lunch)
Oh my goodness, I do need to write. I am very grateful to be here. One thing I have to say, however, is that this place sure could use a lot of proctologists. There are so many assholes here that need help. I'll admit, I wrecked my rear end with my suicide attempt, but I'm not an asshole. The people here can be so rude.
I am feeling very grateful for my treatment here. I am a good person. I asked to receive vegetarian meals. Oh my goodness, this lady who cooks, goes all out on my meals. Its display is beautiful and they taste delicious. I'm sure they are fatty, but they are delicious. The other meat meals are okay, but she really puts a little something extra into preparing my meals. Plus, all the meat meals are likely put together by just "anyone", not her.
The guy across from me asked, "How'd you get that special omelet, did you ask or something?" The truth was I asked not to have a meal prepared for Saturday brunch. I was happy with cereal and blueberries. That's all I have for breakfast is cereal. She must not have heard. She brought me one anyway. It looked gourmet. I told the guy who asked me about my meal, "No, I'm a vegetarian." I went on to say, "I'm amazed at the amount of time and effort she puts into my meals. I was just thinking that...." At this exact moment, he threw his hand up in the air basically telling me to stop talking. If you don't someone talking to you, don't ask them a question! I am a quiet person, but when talked to, I do talk a lot. I am very thorough and kind in my answers.
On the way out, when I put my plate in the dish pan, a woman said, "You splashed me!" I wasn't sure she was talking to me and then she looked at me and said, "Did you hear me? You splashed me!" The woman is an asshole to everyone around here. I apologized for something I know barley occured. She always cuts in front of people.
Then there is the elevator situation. When I was in detox four times before, one and a half years ago, I never used it - because I was not allowed. Simple as that. I also liked the exercise. People who are handicap or have a distabilty are the only ones allowed to use it. EVERYONE breaks this rule!
I really do wish I could take the stairs. It's so much faster and healthier and less of a hastle - I'm learning. I may start going up them. (I did not long after this by the way and fell. I still do use them sometimes, I just go slower and hold the rail tightly!) Going down them is just too risky. My balance is way too unstable still. It makes for a slow commute to everywhere for me. Even when I use the stairs, it's slow.
They say the elevator breaks down all the time. It is only allowed 3 people I'm told. That would make sense for handicap and disabled. While there are quite a few of us here, it rarely has 3 of us at one time. Except one morning the "You splashed me" lady (who is handicap) and two other ladies were in the elevator. They road it up from the third floor. I'm on the fourth floor which is the top floor. We were all heading down to breakfast. When the door opened, I stood there waiting with my cane and the "You splashed me lady" said, "There's three of us. You can't get in." It is a lot bigger. (Actually, I have read the license and it says it can hold 16 people and up to 2500 lbs.) I didn't argue or even say a word. It is a new rule to me, but it is a rule. (Now, 7/21 - Since then, I have had a few people who are perfectly healthy try to deny me access. I have told them that I am the type of person who is permitted and they are not - in a nice way. Some do argue.... It never ends here.)
When I am clean, I do not break rules. I am honest. I am not perfect. I get very upset with rule-breakers sometimes. I don't get it. People are so lazy. I walk a lot I guess - even with my cane. I love to hike. I use to love to run. I ran 5 miles per day. I've lost a lot.
I am sitting in a beautiful room. Well, the view is beautiful anyway. It is a "Beuna Vista!" Actually, this facility is right next door to Beuna Vista Park. Beuan Vista in spanish is Good View. I can see the Golden Gate Bridge and a brand new Ferrari just passed by.
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| See? |
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| It's a long way off and it was a bit hazy that day, but the Golden Gate Bridge is out there in front of that big hill in the distance. If you look closely, you can see it's international orange tower. |
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| The north tower is fairly visible near the center of this one. I learned how to zoom and took it from the fire escape. Four stories is a long way down! What the heck was my crazy head thinking jumping off of a fifth foor? I knew God had something to do with it when I saw that distance down once again. I do remember being sure I would die. |
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| Actually, the south tower is popping up right in the middle of this one. Again, it was hazy - well, about to be foggy really. The north tower is in front of that distant hill also. |
Now, all I can do is write. This day kind of sucks. My brand new phone just quit working. It's dead. Nothing. I called the 1-800 number and they asked if I had insurance. No. It's a brand new phone and I've never dropped it. I got it at Metro PCS by the way. It's a HUAWEI.
It has a lot of information on it I really need! Peoples numbers, important dates on the calendar - lots of important things. My brain does not work as well these days. My memory is horrible. This is likely because of my brain damage. I hate being an addict. Sometimes, I even hate myself. It's a terrible feeling to hate yourself. I can't help it.
Where was I earlier? Oh yeah, I must always be aware. Evil never seems to give up.
Luke 21:34-36
New International Version (NIV)
(Today, July 21st. Unbelievably, this computer at the library began acting up on me just before I typed the part about "evil never seems to give up." I didn't remember writing that, but I knew evil was involved. It's very frustrating.
Beautifully and amazingly, it stopped after I posted the Bible verse. Before posted the Bible verse, every time I hit backspace the cursor disappeared. I have to do this often since I type so fast and make quick mistakes that I need to got back and correct. God is more powerful! I love God!)
I feel so lonely now. I miss that stupid little phone. They better give me a new one. Even if they do, I hope I don't lose all of that important data. I have lots of important appointments coming up! I can't afford to miss something that matters. I have to remember to call and make sure I have insurance. My medication will be out soon. If I don't have insurance before my next doctor appointment, I'll be in a lot of pain. Did I say how sometimes I hate myself?
I wish I could call one of my family members right now. I messed myself up so bad. Half the time, I don't even care about the physical part. It's the mental and emotional I can't deal with. How could I have ever been so stupid and lose everything - knowing what my cost may be? It could always have been my life. It has always been the one I cared about and cared about me. That's the hardest part that brings tears to my eyes every single day.
I'm so confused and lonely right now. I hope my phone gets fixed tomorrow. Having to go to the phone store sucks. At least I already had a pass to go to church. I was told I could go church. You see, again - that's God working for me!
Evil has always gotten into my electronics and computer. (And, it even found a way into the libraries computer while I'm on it! It follows me.) God exist in The Universe. Since I've been in rehab, that phone has given me problems one way or another 3 times already! My doing the right thing by planning on going to church at least gives me a little hope for the fastest possible solution.
While I am grateful to be here, I do my best not to make a lot of conversation. Eventually, I'll meet some good people. For now, I'll keep quiet. I talk to my step-mother and my brothers and Susan. I miss my phone.
Maybe I should do some art. That will help me feel better. Life will be okay. I'll be a bit lonely tonight, but things are getting better in my life - thanks to God.
(There should be a photo here. It's a long and frustrating story that has already been written. Keep reading in the future. Someday, I'll have time to transcribe it and publish it. It will be obvious why the photos on that phone are unreachable. It was a cool drawing of the view I have off the Golden Gate Bridge from my window. I zoomed it in of course with my eyes and with my crayons!)
Well, I made the card for Marilynn, my step-mother. I'm at church right now, waiting for it to start. I have never been to this one. It's small with some very nice people. I just met a man who spent a year in the hospital I was just in, Laguna Honda, because he fell 3 stories. I fell 5, but he landed on his head.
This church is between the first place Susan and I lived (we just passed it on the bus) and the second place we lived. We are only a couple blocks from the outpatient rehab I went to about 10 times! I miss Susan. I want to be with my family.
( Later in the service, these Bible scriptures were read.)
58 Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
59 He said to another man, “Follow me.”
But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
60 Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
61 Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
62 Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
I am tired. I had to sleep on the couch in the art room last night. While this place is full of assholes, it also has at least one insane person. He is my bunkmate. He sleeps on the top bunk and I sleep on the bottom bunk - for obvious reasons. He freaks out all night. He shakes the entire bed violently! Sometimes, he just shakes the bed less violently, yet continuously... shake, shake, shake, shake, shake.... I have never bothered to look up to see what he was doing, although I had my strange and sick suspicions.
Many people have referred to him as "the masteurbater". I feared that. His violent night shakes are getting worse. He jumps off the top violently landing on the floor sometimes. Last night he landed on the chair next to my bed that I use as a night stand. He hit it hard. I jumped and cut my thumb. I had had enough. I went downstairs to see if I could sleep on a couch.
" If you wanna make God laugh, tell him your plans."
(July 26. I have no idea why I put that quote there last month. However, I recently made a very colorful poster for art class. I have posted it on Facebook. I wish I could put the photo on this blog, however, I don't think I can at the library. Anyway, I put a Bible verse, Psalms 2:4 on that poster that reads:
" But the one who rules in Heaven, laughs"
(I have no idea where all that came from. I just really like those too "sayings". I love Psalms. My Bible hero, David wrote most of it.)
I went downstairs to the first staff person and she said I could not sleep on one of the two dozen couches. The second staff member I encountered said I could. She understood my fear that this is "insane" guy might fall onto my broken back or ankle.
I care about this guy. I pray for this guy. He needs help. I don't believe he is getting the help he needs here. I also don't believe he is helping "anyone" here. They keep saying they will move me as soon as a smaller room opens up. He also keeps my two roommates up all night. He then sleep all morning, skipping mandatory meetings.
I don't think the next person underneath him will be safe. I don't think he's safe. He at least needs to be on a bottom bunk.
In the middle of the day, when he is awake, he has the radio cranked up. He talks to himself and insanely giggles. I can be tired from being up all night and in the morning after attending all the meetings. I need a nap when I have a break. It's frustrating. When I have ask him to turn it down he turns it off. He is nice, he is just out of it.
I can tell this place is going to be difficult already. I will always be grateful for anyone or anything provides recovery, shelter and food to me. And, as I have said before, I am so grateful to be alive. Oh my, I am so grateful to be alive.(There should be a photo here. It's a long and frustrating story that has already been written. Keep reading in the future. Someday, I'll have time to transcribe it and publish it. It will be obvious why the photos on that phone are unreachable. It was a cool drawing of the view I have off the Golden Gate Bridge from my window. I zoomed it in of course with my eyes and with my crayons!)
Well, I made the card for Marilynn, my step-mother. I'm at church right now, waiting for it to start. I have never been to this one. It's small with some very nice people. I just met a man who spent a year in the hospital I was just in, Laguna Honda, because he fell 3 stories. I fell 5, but he landed on his head.
This church is between the first place Susan and I lived (we just passed it on the bus) and the second place we lived. We are only a couple blocks from the outpatient rehab I went to about 10 times! I miss Susan. I want to be with my family.
( Later in the service, these Bible scriptures were read.)
Luke 9:51-62
New International Version (NIV)
Samaritan Opposition
51 As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem. 52 And he sent messengers on ahead, who went into a Samaritan village to get things ready for him; 53 but the people there did not welcome him, because he was heading for Jerusalem. 54 When the disciples James and John saw this, they asked, “Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them?” 55 But Jesus turned and rebuked them. 56 Then he and his disciples went to another village.The Cost of Following Jesus
57 As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.”58 Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
59 He said to another man, “Follow me.”
But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
60 Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
61 Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
62 Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
I am tired. I had to sleep on the couch in the art room last night. While this place is full of assholes, it also has at least one insane person. He is my bunkmate. He sleeps on the top bunk and I sleep on the bottom bunk - for obvious reasons. He freaks out all night. He shakes the entire bed violently! Sometimes, he just shakes the bed less violently, yet continuously... shake, shake, shake, shake, shake.... I have never bothered to look up to see what he was doing, although I had my strange and sick suspicions.
Many people have referred to him as "the masteurbater". I feared that. His violent night shakes are getting worse. He jumps off the top violently landing on the floor sometimes. Last night he landed on the chair next to my bed that I use as a night stand. He hit it hard. I jumped and cut my thumb. I had had enough. I went downstairs to see if I could sleep on a couch.
" If you wanna make God laugh, tell him your plans."
(July 26. I have no idea why I put that quote there last month. However, I recently made a very colorful poster for art class. I have posted it on Facebook. I wish I could put the photo on this blog, however, I don't think I can at the library. Anyway, I put a Bible verse, Psalms 2:4 on that poster that reads:
" But the one who rules in Heaven, laughs"
(I have no idea where all that came from. I just really like those too "sayings". I love Psalms. My Bible hero, David wrote most of it.)
 |
| I've added quite a bit to it and posted it on my wall. I'll take a photo soon. |
I went downstairs to the first staff person and she said I could not sleep on one of the two dozen couches. The second staff member I encountered said I could. She understood my fear that this is "insane" guy might fall onto my broken back or ankle.
I care about this guy. I pray for this guy. He needs help. I don't believe he is getting the help he needs here. I also don't believe he is helping "anyone" here. They keep saying they will move me as soon as a smaller room opens up. He also keeps my two roommates up all night. He then sleep all morning, skipping mandatory meetings.
I don't think the next person underneath him will be safe. I don't think he's safe. He at least needs to be on a bottom bunk.
In the middle of the day, when he is awake, he has the radio cranked up. He talks to himself and insanely giggles. I can be tired from being up all night and in the morning after attending all the meetings. I need a nap when I have a break. It's frustrating. When I have ask him to turn it down he turns it off. He is nice, he is just out of it.
People, including doctors and nurses, have called me a miracle. I am NOT the miracle. God is!
Whadda You Want From Me?
Down in the dungeon I'm having a hard time
I get my love on condition and my Dewar's without lime
Up in the tower you're countin' the fault lines
(I say) I am who I am---whadda you want from me
Long distance warfare from over the phone lines
Terminal airfare--I'm crossin' the red line
Can't tell the diff'rence 'tween a "wait" and a "walk" sign
But you know who I am---whadda you want from me (nah yeah)
You preach forgiveness but once in a dog's day
Naw but nobody listens to everything you say
You want the business, ya have it your own way
But you know who I am---whadda you want from me
Now I can't see no maybe, I can't see it at all
I seen through you baby, You wanna have it all...you take me to the wall
(ow!)
Whadda you want from me...
I get my love on condition and my Dewar's without lime
Up in the tower you're countin' the fault lines
(I say) I am who I am---whadda you want from me
Long distance warfare from over the phone lines
Terminal airfare--I'm crossin' the red line
Can't tell the diff'rence 'tween a "wait" and a "walk" sign
But you know who I am---whadda you want from me (nah yeah)
You preach forgiveness but once in a dog's day
Naw but nobody listens to everything you say
You want the business, ya have it your own way
But you know who I am---whadda you want from me
Now I can't see no maybe, I can't see it at all
I seen through you baby, You wanna have it all...you take me to the wall
(ow!)
Whadda you want from me...
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