(8/18/13)
(Oops! I wrote a blog with this title back in March. Hey, my traumatic brain damage creates memory issues! It does. I just like this song. I wasn't even really going to write a jumping around dates blog, but I had to post my "own strength" proposal on a day when I am free and on my "OWN STRENGTH!" I'm even using MY LAPTOP. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! I guess it could have waited. It would have still had the same name I guess. I'm not as confused as I use to be. Or, am I? Either way, after I was done writing this, I thought, "did I use this song already?" Memory!)
(Oops! I wrote a blog with this title back in March. Hey, my traumatic brain damage creates memory issues! It does. I just like this song. I wasn't even really going to write a jumping around dates blog, but I had to post my "own strength" proposal on a day when I am free and on my "OWN STRENGTH!" I'm even using MY LAPTOP. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! I guess it could have waited. It would have still had the same name I guess. I'm not as confused as I use to be. Or, am I? Either way, after I was done writing this, I thought, "did I use this song already?" Memory!)
(8/17/13)
I am sorry this blog keeps jumping around from date to date. I guess that's what happens when I am in rehab and I don't have access to a computer AND I am on restriction. Not any more! Actually, I didn't jump around last time, when I was in rehab last year. I just posted what I wrote a month or so before until I finally got caught up. This time I just keep adding a little bit each one. It seems strangely appropriate sometimes. In this case, I am simply putting my proposal I wrote the other day to get on my "own strength". I am just very happy is all. I am free. I am going to get my guitar today. It is a beautiful day.
(8/16/13)
I finally got on my "own strength" today. This means that I am allowed to go places by myself. I am so grateful for this. I was here for 53 days before I got this granted. Yesterday, I had 7 months clean. Being clean and alive is a beautiful thing. Below is my own strength proposal I had to write:
(8/8/13)
I am sorry this blog keeps jumping around from date to date. I guess that's what happens when I am in rehab and I don't have access to a computer AND I am on restriction. Not any more! Actually, I didn't jump around last time, when I was in rehab last year. I just posted what I wrote a month or so before until I finally got caught up. This time I just keep adding a little bit each one. It seems strangely appropriate sometimes. In this case, I am simply putting my proposal I wrote the other day to get on my "own strength". I am just very happy is all. I am free. I am going to get my guitar today. It is a beautiful day.
(8/16/13)
I finally got on my "own strength" today. This means that I am allowed to go places by myself. I am so grateful for this. I was here for 53 days before I got this granted. Yesterday, I had 7 months clean. Being clean and alive is a beautiful thing. Below is my own strength proposal I had to write:
(8/8/13)
Own Strength Proposal
I arrived at Wally World (programs nickname) on June 24th, 2013. As of August 8th, I have been in the program for 45 days.
While the buddy system has helped me get to important appointments, I have missed out on a few things that I like and in some cases, need. I love the (recovery meeting) program (sorry, but I have to protect the programs confidentiality). I have not met too many clients who do (my type of recovery meeting.) I would love to get to at least two (recovery meetings) per week. I'd be glad to take buddies, but I'll definitely go solo. Saturday is my home group. Wednesday is the Wharf Rats. Before I relapsed, I was the Secretary of this (recovery) meeting that consist of Deadheads and concert goers who support each other at musical events.
I am also a musician. I am in a band. One of my band members owns the Alano club at 1748 Market Street. In the past, we got together after the Wednesday night Wharf Rat meeting and played music. We did this until I relapsed in November 2012. We resumed at the beginning of this summer while I was at Laguna Honda Hospital. I miss playing the guitar and singing.
I also need to attend another type of meeting. My number one addiction is to IV crystal meth. My secondary addiction is sex and love. I used to attend at least one of these types of 12 step meetings per week. In the past, when I have attended (these type of meetings), I have done very good.
The other thing I have been absent from since getting here is my church. I attend City Church. They have two locations. I prefer the service on Sutter. I am very grateful for that church. The first person I remember waking up to in the hospital after my suicide attempt is my Pastor. I told him I wanted to be baptized. He said I would have to do classes before I did. I will get more information about these classes.
The other thing I have not been able to do and look forward to doing is volunteering at Laguna Honda Hospital. I am the photographer for the hospitals newspaper, The Voice. I look forward to helping out the place that helped me learn how to walk again. They also helped me in many other physical ways.
I may also utilize some of my free time to go out and take photos. I also write a blog. I would like to spend Sunday afternoon at the library writing by blog. I could also go to my friends house who has my laptop and my camera to write. I have been writing a blog for 7 years. I have been writing it on paper since I have been here. I have managed to transcribe two of them with my phone and publish them. I have written many more and look forward to publishing them. I'm sure my over 200 readers also look forward to them. They all tell me I inspire them. They definitely inspire me.
I am very grateful to be here. I also look forward to being able to participate in these helpful groups and events. On the 15th of this month, I'll have 7 months clean.
(8/18/13)
I went to City Church this morning. I saw my Pastor. He came up and hugged me. He is a very good man. I asked him about getting baptized and he said we would have lunch. I'm free! Wow. I am so grateful. It feels so good. Yesterday, I went, BY MYSELF, and picked up my guitar. I played it last night. The Good Old Boy across the hall, who is a great musician, came over and played and showed me some new things.
As you will read in future blogs, Wally World is a very hard place for me to be. So often, I wanted out. Not to spoil what happens, but I am actually settling in. Even before I got my freedom, I started feeling okay there. I still look forward to getting out of there, but, it's okay. I have always been grateful, even when I wanted out. Now, I want what I wanted when I decided to go there - to make a difference there. To help the place. It was tough to turn the corner from wanting out to wanting to help, but, I have - for now.
I always thought that I could somehow help the people there. Especially those in detox. Two people in detox have gotten in my face and threatened to "kick my (butt)". That's not how I imagined it!
I have lived in this City for a long time. Every time I get on the bus, I know someone. Today, it was a guy who has been in and out of detox. Lets call him Pequeño Individuo. I saw him on the bus just the other day. That happened yesterday. I saw someone I met at another clients church. Let's call him The Giggler. - the other client. I've seen him on the bus (the guy who goes to The Gigglers church) three times now. I'm on the bus a lot. I have doctor appointments every other day (that's a bit of an exaggeration, but....)
So Pequeño Individuo got off at the same stop as me. He was going to Goodwill. He asked where I was going. I told him and invited him to City Church. I told him they had good coffee and donuts! SOLD!
It's an incredibly beautiful day in this city. 70 and sunny! My old neighborhood, SOMA was always 70 and sunny. The Haight does get a bit more fog than SOMA. I'm going back to SOMA someday! I'm on my way. I think I "...crossed the line."
I knew this day was coming. I still get sad, but that light at the end of the tunnel just got brighter. I have a lot of hope. I'm a hard worker who is educated and gets along with people. I don't know what my future holds, but I have faith it is going to be okay. I just do.
"I sure don't know what I'm going for, but I'm going to go for it for sure." I love that song, Saint of Circumstance. I love The Grateful Dead. I'm in their hometown! Actually, I'm in their home neighborhood now! I'm about 3 blocks from 710 Ashbury - the famous Grateful Dead House! I have a photo on my detachable hard drive! I'll have it all again someday. I am on my way. It feels good. It will feel better when I actually HAVE IT!
My life is bitter sweet. I am alive. So are you. Please, take it from someone who has lost everything and tried to kill himself, LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. I mean that. Please, love someone today. Thank your Higher Power, who ever that may be. Whoever that is for you, I truly believe that is who it is for ALL OF US.
Oh, wait, you know how I said I wanted to get baptized. I still do. It feels right now. I'll never forget when I was homeless. I found a Koran. It scared me. I thought, "I hope someone died for my sins, because I can't repay all these wrong doings!" That's at least what I got out of the Koran. I kind of got that out of the Bible back then too, but I was a confused mess. It's probably what I needed to get out of them back then - fear.
God forgives. Apparently his son died for our sins. When I was young and in church I remember people getting baptized in our church all the time. I figured I would someday, but that someday just never came. When I was in that Christian program that introduced me to City Church, people got baptized all the time. I felt good for them, but I just didn't feel ready.
It is important that I never use again once I am saved. It may even help me never use again. As long as I never use again, I will be a good person. I will "...cross the line." About 8 or 9 months ago, I was dealing with someone that no one should ever deal with - the devil. Upon my death I was on a one way trip to hell. The devil told me it would be "never ending".
I prefer eternity! Who wouldn't? Trust me, if God is willing to give someone like me yet another chance to get things right, he'll give everyone! So you made a few mistakes, God forgives. I suggest you look to God and ask for it is all. I said I'd never preach. People use to tell me I should be a preacher when I was young. That's a trip. I don't like to preach, I just can't deny my amazing reality and I like to Babble. Have a beautiful day!
So Pequeño Individuo got off at the same stop as me. He was going to Goodwill. He asked where I was going. I told him and invited him to City Church. I told him they had good coffee and donuts! SOLD!
It's an incredibly beautiful day in this city. 70 and sunny! My old neighborhood, SOMA was always 70 and sunny. The Haight does get a bit more fog than SOMA. I'm going back to SOMA someday! I'm on my way. I think I "...crossed the line."
I knew this day was coming. I still get sad, but that light at the end of the tunnel just got brighter. I have a lot of hope. I'm a hard worker who is educated and gets along with people. I don't know what my future holds, but I have faith it is going to be okay. I just do.
"I sure don't know what I'm going for, but I'm going to go for it for sure." I love that song, Saint of Circumstance. I love The Grateful Dead. I'm in their hometown! Actually, I'm in their home neighborhood now! I'm about 3 blocks from 710 Ashbury - the famous Grateful Dead House! I have a photo on my detachable hard drive! I'll have it all again someday. I am on my way. It feels good. It will feel better when I actually HAVE IT!
My life is bitter sweet. I am alive. So are you. Please, take it from someone who has lost everything and tried to kill himself, LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL. I mean that. Please, love someone today. Thank your Higher Power, who ever that may be. Whoever that is for you, I truly believe that is who it is for ALL OF US.
Oh, wait, you know how I said I wanted to get baptized. I still do. It feels right now. I'll never forget when I was homeless. I found a Koran. It scared me. I thought, "I hope someone died for my sins, because I can't repay all these wrong doings!" That's at least what I got out of the Koran. I kind of got that out of the Bible back then too, but I was a confused mess. It's probably what I needed to get out of them back then - fear.
God forgives. Apparently his son died for our sins. When I was young and in church I remember people getting baptized in our church all the time. I figured I would someday, but that someday just never came. When I was in that Christian program that introduced me to City Church, people got baptized all the time. I felt good for them, but I just didn't feel ready.
It is important that I never use again once I am saved. It may even help me never use again. As long as I never use again, I will be a good person. I will "...cross the line." About 8 or 9 months ago, I was dealing with someone that no one should ever deal with - the devil. Upon my death I was on a one way trip to hell. The devil told me it would be "never ending".
I prefer eternity! Who wouldn't? Trust me, if God is willing to give someone like me yet another chance to get things right, he'll give everyone! So you made a few mistakes, God forgives. I suggest you look to God and ask for it is all. I said I'd never preach. People use to tell me I should be a preacher when I was young. That's a trip. I don't like to preach, I just can't deny my amazing reality and I like to Babble. Have a beautiful day!
This must be heaven --
Tonight I crossed the line.
You must be the angel
I thought I'd never find.
Was it you I heard singin'
While I was chasin' dreams?
Driven by the wind,
Like the dust that blows around
And the rain fallin' down...
Well I never know,
Sure don't know,
Never know,
Never know,
Sure don't know.
This must be heaven --
This is where the rainbow ends.
At last it's the real thing...
At least I can pretend.
When that wind blows,
And the darkness starts to fall,
I can hear the sirens call.
It's a certain sort of sound
In the rain fallin' down,
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
[Bridge:] Holes in what's left of my reason,
Holes in the knees of my blues,
Odds against me been increasin'
But I'll pull through.
Never could read no road map
And I don't know what the weather might do,
But hear that witch wind whinin'
0 See that Dog Star's shinin',
I've got a feelin' there's no time to lose,
No time to lose!
Maybe goin' on a feelin' maybe goin' on a dream
Maybe goin' on a feelin'
0 Well I never know,
Sure don't know,
Never know,
Never know,
Sure don't know.
Well it's been heaven
But even rainbows end.
Now my sails are fillin'
And the wind's so willin'
That I'm good as gone again.
I'm still walkin', so I'm sure that I can dance
Just a saint of circumstance,
Like a tiger in a trance,
In the rain fallin down
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Well I never know just don't know just don't know
Well, I sure don't know
What I'm goin' for
But I'm gonna go for it,
That's for sure.
Maybe goin' on a feelin'
Maybe goin' on a dream
Maybe goin' on a feelin'
Tonight I crossed the line.
You must be the angel
I thought I'd never find.
Was it you I heard singin'
While I was chasin' dreams?
Driven by the wind,
Like the dust that blows around
And the rain fallin' down...
Well I never know,
Sure don't know,
Never know,
Never know,
Sure don't know.
This must be heaven --
This is where the rainbow ends.
At last it's the real thing...
At least I can pretend.
When that wind blows,
And the darkness starts to fall,
I can hear the sirens call.
It's a certain sort of sound
In the rain fallin' down,
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
[Bridge:] Holes in what's left of my reason,
Holes in the knees of my blues,
Odds against me been increasin'
But I'll pull through.
Never could read no road map
And I don't know what the weather might do,
But hear that witch wind whinin'
0 See that Dog Star's shinin',
I've got a feelin' there's no time to lose,
No time to lose!
Maybe goin' on a feelin' maybe goin' on a dream
Maybe goin' on a feelin'
0 Well I never know,
Sure don't know,
Never know,
Never know,
Sure don't know.
Well it's been heaven
But even rainbows end.
Now my sails are fillin'
And the wind's so willin'
That I'm good as gone again.
I'm still walkin', so I'm sure that I can dance
Just a saint of circumstance,
Like a tiger in a trance,
In the rain fallin down
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Well I never know just don't know just don't know
Well, I sure don't know
What I'm goin' for
But I'm gonna go for it,
That's for sure.
Maybe goin' on a feelin'
Maybe goin' on a dream
Maybe goin' on a feelin'
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