Whatever

(I wrote this blog 7-5)

Well, what could have been a decent day kind of sucks now. I had to go to the Psychiatrist. The office is in my old neighborhood. We have to go with a “buddy” here. My first “buddy” who was assigned to me yesterday had to back out. She had to do laundry.

I didn’t get a new one until 11:30 – the time I needed to leave. We ended up leaving at 11:55. He had to get “spiffed” up. I didn’t rush him, I was just glad someone was willing to go with me. I made it. I thought it would take longer to get to my appointment. We had to walk past my old workplace – The San Francisco Chronicle. The building crosses over Susan and my old street we lived on for 9 years – Minna Street. I also passed many of the streets I used to sleep on while homeless.. It felt strange.

My psychiatrist is a good man. He really gets me, admires me and respects me. I do like him a lot. He agreed to completely take me off my pshych med I take. I take so little. I take 12 mg twice a day. He said most people take 600 mg a day! He’s going to take me off it in 3 weeks.

Upon leaving, my “buddy” got into a verbal fight with the bus driver. The bus driver really was in the wrong – at first. My “buddy” and I, who both have canes started to get on the bus and he started yelling “Get on the back! Get on the back!” He was trying to lower the wheelchair access lift for someone behind us in a wheelchair. We did not see her and we are also entitled to use the front, which kneels for disabled and handicap people. I actually need it. The bus driver even started yelling at me.   I simply said, “If I would have seen her, I would have let her go first.” The truth is, people with canes should be allowed on the bus before the wheelchair since wheelchair people are already sitting.

I still had to board at the back of the bus. It was more difficult. He started yelling at us.  He was pathetic. I simply said, “What’s your drivers number? I don’t need you yelling at me.” My “buddy” was not in the wrong, but as they started yelling back and forth at each other, he started yelling, “Go back to where you came from! I’s in Vietnam!" The driver was Asian.  My "buddy" was also pathetic.  It was embarrassing. 

I could kind of since my “buddy” was like that. It’s sad, cause he really wasn’t in the wrong. He is African American, so one would think he would not be racist.  I almost felt sorry for him, but he was wrong for saying what he said.

Things got a lot worse. We were going to go to General Hospital to get my prescriptions, but my Doctor reminded me how long that takes and it was out of the way. I already had a bunch of prescriptions I had to fill and he called in two more. He called them in to Walgreen’s.  I didn't know I could go there.  The Walgreen’s I requested was on the way home to the program we are in. It is one of the two I always went to when I lived in the neighborhood.

This was going to save us a couple of hours. It was also across the street from the Dollar store where he wanted to go and went anyway. Technically, this is a “deviation”, but I didn’t care. It wasn’t a big deal to me.  It's what he wanted to do.  When we got to Walgreen’s, I learned that they didn’t have morphine in stock but said that the Walgreen’s “across the street”, two blocks down did. You can literally see one from the other.

My “buddy” started telling me that I should have went to that one first. “You should have known they didn’t have it here!” How? I have no idea how I could have known such a thing. He then told me I had to come back some other day. He was very hard on me about my “mistake”.

This medication is the medication that helps my severe back and ankle pain. I had no idea how many I had left at rehab, but I know one of the pill bottles I have access to had only one pill left! I also know we were on a trip to my doctor appointment and to get my prescriptions.  They did have them right across the street and even called them to let them know I'd be coming, figuring of course it would be no big deal.

He refused to go with me. He said I was not thinking about him. Well, if we were on a trip to get his pain medication and the pharmacy we were at were out and said we could go across the street, which was also on our way back, I wouldn’t even consider not going for him – even if I needed to get back!   And, I did need to get back because I had to work. 

However, I felt it made more sense to get my medication as we signed out to do.  It is no easy task to get a "buddy" to go anywhere.  No one here wants to help anyone.    This place has some tough people that I really have trouble understanding.  I really "(didn't) need (his) s*** today"!

I haven't been here long enough to "buddy" people, but I will once I am aloud.  And, as long as people are doing things they left to do, I'll be fine with it.

He was so mean about the whole thing that even the elderly lady sitting next to me said how wrong he was being to me in front of people.  She told me not to let it bother me.  Once she knew we were in rehab she told me that she thought I might use over it.  She thought it might trigger me.  I could see how she felt this way, but I'm not really "there" anymore.  Using is not an option - no matter what happens.  While he was a real jerk, it's nothing I would use over.

The thing is though, if there is one thing about this rehab facility that bothers me, it is the other residents.  That really is the one reason I don't want to be here.

It's never ending.  Those of you who read my blog back during my days in rehab last year probably remember how many problems I had with other people in the program.  Actually, it was only a couple of people that had issues with everyone and everything.  This place is just bigger.  While it has more "bad" people, it's size also makes them more avoidable. 

When I lived with just 20 others in the last program, we crossed paths all the time.  And, I worked with many.  I was even the cook for breakfast and lunch for a couple of months, so the a-holes were able to be a-holes every day about what I cooked.  I was also the "boss" of my assistant and my dishwasher.  That didn't go well many times.  I "nicely" gave instructions to the new people since dishwasher was usually the first job.  I never knew what type of person I'd get.  The tough ones never lasted long, but I had to deal with them. 

Actually, the guy I nicknamed "Self Will"  who use to throw fits and left "because of me" graduated from the program I am in now and teaches the yoga class on Monday mornings. When I learned this, I thought, "Seriously?"  He does seem a lot more mellow than he was.  People do change, especially when they work a recovery program.  I hope I get better!  Not that I'm an a-hole - I hope!

The thing about me is, I’m nice to everyone and I never mess with anyone until someone messes with me. I do not let people mess with me and put up with it. I almost always put up for myself.  Then, I might be an a-hole.  Not really.  I end up apologizing to everyone. Can't we all just get along?

I was picked on quite a bit at that last program. I wasn't used to such a thing - ever.  I was a tweaked out mess who did share a lot about myself in all the groups. This opened me up to a lot of judgment. Back when I was an outpatient program frequently it wasn’t a big deal to open up. We all went home at the end of the day.

I know better than to share everything at this place. I participate a little in groups, but not much. Many know I attempted suicide. That is what it is. This little hot head muscle boy punk who got kicked out ask me one night in the work out room after he got done tearing apart a punching bag and was dripping with sweat, “Why’d you do it?” I explained myself in detail because I sensed that he may be considering doing the same thing – who knows?

I cannot believe I attempted suicide. My life the previous years were so insane and dark sometimes. Recovery is so important to me.

I am in such a ghetto program. I feel bad for many of these people, but so many are such a-holes and so ungrateful, selfish and hard to be around.

I pray I get back to a small bit of normality some day. I want my own place. I want a good job. I want my street artist business to work out either full time or part time. I may try out a real job first and may be a street artist on the weekends. I have faith it will all be okay.

I love my job here. I didn’t mind cooking before at the last place but it really wasn’t me – this is. I work the front desk and the phones. I am essentially the houses operator. I like that a lot. I feel professional. People do tend to respect this position. I like it. I’m doing it now.

I’m so tired. It’s Friday. It’s been such a long day. My back hurts so badly. My eyes are so heavy. At 8:00 PM, off. At 8:00 PM, I’m out.  I'm going to sleep.  I may finish a movie I started on YouTube with my phone. Boy, this day sucked. I’m tired.  I sure didn't need that guys "s*** today".  "(He was) pathetic in (his) own way."  Whatever. 

This song really does speak to how I felt.  In some ways, My reality is that "...I'm doing the best that I can.  I'm doing the best I ever did.  Now, Go Away!"

The thing is, my "buddy" did "go away!"  He refused to go with me to the Walgreens across the street.  It was actually nice to be alone - especially after being with him!

I'm tired.  I'm really glad this day is nearly over.

 

 And I wonder day to day
I don't like you anyway
I don't need your shit today
You're pathetic in your own way

I feel for you
Better fuckin' go away
I will behave
Better fuckin' go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did

I don't need to fantasize
You are my pet all the time
I don't mind if you go blind
You get what you get
Until you're through with mine

I feel for you
Better fuckin' go away
I will behave
You better go away

I feel for you
Better fuckin' go away
I will behave
You better go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Now go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Now go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Now go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
Go away
I'm doin' the best that I can
Go away
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Go away
I'm doin' the best that I can
Go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Now go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Now go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Now go away

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm doin' the best I ever did
Go away
I'm doin' the best that I can