I was so lost before I ended up here in this rehab. This rehab is a physical health rehab. I wasn't aiming for this. I wasn't aiming for anything like this. I was so lost. I figured I may end up homeless. I talked to almost no one. I was so isolated - other than the voices in "that" universe. Every time I'd manage to get through one of my "usings", I'd be so depressed. The best I could do is use again. I could maybe work for a bit, but eventually would use again and would eventually end the "ability to work" possibility for myself.
This time the devil was "the big bad wolf". I was to find my way to the wilderness and "LAY STILL" long enough to be consumed into the ground. I would be in hell forever. It would be never ending. My doing this would help some good souls who helped people I cared about and cared about me in that universe. And this one for that matter. More importantly, this one.
Attempting suicide was never God's Will for me, I can promise you that. My shooting speed always made death a possibility for me. Never in my life, NEVER, had I ever attempted suicide. Sometimes the voices would say "shoot up again..." or "Go out that door and you will die!" I'd ignore such warnings and live, so....
In fact, I do remember a few years ago the voices told me if I left my apartment to look for speed, I'd get stabbed. I didn't listen. I went and sat on this corner hoping some would show. After a short time this very large transvestite prostitute walked up to the corner I was sitting. She began pacing back and forth in front of me. Neither of us said a word. She then reached into her jacket, pulled out a switch blade knife and flicked it open. I just looked at her. She put it to my neck. I said, "God loves you." She left! I left! I should have never used again after that, but as usual, eventually, I did.
A little over a year ago, I started taking a bunch of sleeping pills when I was homeless and miserable. No one cared about me! I decided I was in a way too populated of an environment to be dying, so I sadfully went to a distant alleyway I was familiar with. I was miserable on my way there. I was exhausted when I got there so I never took anymore - for whatever that's worth. I was aslo "insane" then.
That was not an attempt. Not like this January 15th thing. That was an attempt! I think. I was rather out of my mind when I jumped from the top of a 5 story parking garage. Since it was 5 stories for vehicles and was a rather new facility, I assume it was higher than 50 feet high!
I can't believe I even did such a thing. I hate that I am even writing about it. I like to believe that since I did it for others, in my own sick way, God may have allowed me to live. In my sick insane world, it was not a selfish act. I now see how in this world it was one. I saw that there too, but I had never been so confused and lost. Wow.
What was all that babbling all about? God. Why? I am getting better. Very, very slowly.
Physically, I am mess. I sure lost a lot by deciding to use again. I lost a lot! Hopefully, whatever health I can hold on to will matter to such a degree that I will never use again. I was so crazy to ever use again. I had already lost so much. What was I thinking?
I'm still a bit confused. When I became conscious, I believed my dad was alive. I asked my stepmother, Marilynn, for him on the phone. She told me he was dead. It was then obvious to me, yet sad. It's as if my whole world and knowledge of all I have done and had lost had to be re-realized. It still does. In fact, I am starting to cry right now.... I lost way to much over that sick F---'ING drug! It hurts y s
I won't bother to fix that last typo. However, usually when I get so emotionally overwhelmed, my typing gets out of whack like that and I have to keep hitting backspace over and over then retyping what I meant to type. Just as I was doing that I happened to type, "It hurts y s" above, and a counselor was happening to walk by and complimented the way I look. She hadn't seen me for a couple weeks - since I got a hair cut and shaved. She was very nice and sat down at the table I am sitting. I apologized and explained the tears in my eyes. She understood. She was one of the first counselors I met with here a few times. She was a speech counselor. Things were that bad for me. My mind was that confused. They thought I may have brain damage. She complimented me and told me I had come a long way. She was aware of my blog. I told her I was writing it now. I really was confused in those early days. I really have come a long way.
People are the reason. I have reconnected with so many friends and family. The Universe I insanely existed in during my last run was nothing like the one I became conscious to! Nothing. I could not believe that people were putting together a fundraising event for me!! My Family, My High School Friends, My Friends in Recovery. I was so blown away! I still am! It's these thoughts that bring yet more tears to my eyes. These feel different. These feel so loving! I am so confused. I do feel loved and know I have to take on this confusion one day at a time. It is slowly getting better. I believe it may be God's pace. This doesn't mean I don't have to pay for my mistakes, but it can be all better.
If I am never able to walk again, I'll make the best of it. If my restroom usage stays where it is then that is where it stays. I have not had to catheterize myself in over a week! I have gone to the restroom on handicap toilets many times. I have a commode by my bed at night. Slowly but surely. I still have a lot of pain! I also have a plastic urinal beside by bed. It hurts to use, but I am grateful to be able to. Why do I explain these things? I don't know, I just do and it is my truth. DON'T USE DRUGS KIDS. I mean it. Or anyone for that matter. It is never to late to get clean! NEVER. On the flip side, it's never to late for something disastrous to occur. I took it way to far and lost way to much. I have to admit this and even, unfortunately - own it. I try to stay positive, but I have to be honest.
THE TRUTH is what I have to live by these days. This doesn't mean I have to tell everyone everything. Everything about what I've done, OR everything people tell me. I just have to live myself a truthful honest life. I can never use drugs again. NEVER. It gets worse every time. I must know this for myself. Whatever is ahead of me must be better than my past - that included using and relapses. I've always believed Heaven and hell could be experienced to some degree on earth. Meaning that I have experienced both to some degree while here. This means that if I die while in such a state over a period of time, that is where I would likely end up. It would still ultimately be determined by God, but...
(approximately 1/2 hour later)
I just got off a long term phone conversation with a government agency that denied me health insurance. She is going to try to reapply for me. She was very thorough about everything, but was very nice.
It just made things so much more complicated for me that it does bring tears to my eyes. Part of the reason it was cancelled is I never responded to their mail. It was being sent to a friends house I once stayed with. I am so confused. I have been so many places over the past year. Now, I'm... confused.
(A few hours later)
I had to do so many things that kind of got pretty much go me no where, but I am back in my bed now. Somewhere! I just had a very sweet young friend call me. She reminded me something very important - that I haven't been using. I have over 2 months clean now! She believes it simply took something like this for me to finally stay clean forever. I was actually heading that direction with this blog. That insurance call confused me a bit, but no matter what, staying clean is what I will get from all this.
I have such a hard time imagining that what I did was something that got me going in the right direction, but I have to realize that. I just have to. That night I jumped off the building, I really had no idea what I was going for, but I obviously went for it. And, here I am. I was wrong to do so, but God is powerful and can work in mysterious ways I guess. He is capable of turning bad into good. I've seen it happen before. I wish it didn't have to go this way, but I want to believe it has. So like I said, here I am. I got a long way to go. I am just a tiger in a trance....
Listen, sure don't know what I'm going for, but I'm going to go for it for sure.
This must be heaven, tonight I cross the line.
You must be the angel, I though I might never find.
Was it you I heard singing, oh while I was chasin dreams.
Driven by the wind, like the dust that blows around,
And the rain fallin down, but I never know.
You must be the angel, I though I might never find.
Was it you I heard singing, oh while I was chasin dreams.
Driven by the wind, like the dust that blows around,
And the rain fallin down, but I never know.
Got to be heaven, cause heres where the rainbow ends.
If this aint the real thing, then its close enough to pretend.
When that wind blows, when the nights about to fall.
You can hear the silence call, its a certain sort of sound,
Like the rain fallin down.
Holes in whats left of my reason, holes in the knees of my blues.
Odds against me been increasin, but Ill pull through.
I never could read no road map, I dont know what the weather might do.
But when that rich wind whines and I see the dark star shine,
I got a feeling theres no time to lose, no time to lose.
Never know now, just dont never know, no.
Well its been heaven, but even the rainbows will end.
Now my sails are fillin and the wind is willin.
And Im as good as gone again.
Im still walkin, so Im sure that I can dance.
Just a saint of circumstance, just a tiger in a trance.
And the rain fallin down, well, you never know, just dont know.
Listen, sure dont know what I going for, but Im gonna go for it for sure..................................................... :)
Just a saint of circumstance, just a tiger in a trance.
And the rain fallin down, well, you never know, just dont know.
Listen, sure dont know what I going for, but Im gonna go for it for sure..................................................... :)
No comments:
Post a Comment