Seven Nation Army

It's kind of nice to know things are kind of heading in the right direction (kind of). I mean, I'm laying on my side (which I was unable to do a week ago – it was too painful!), typing on my laptop with a roof over my head. I thought I was going to be homeless! I mean, I was starting to lose my mind and was contacting almost no one. Life was looking pretty dark. In fact, one of the last blogs I ever wrote before I used was how using led me to hell on earth and I said that I believe that dying in hell on earth meant I would end up I hell in the afterlife. Plenty of reasons to use and plenty to look forward to wouldn't you agree? It's that delicious rush that shoots out of that needle I love!!!!

If someone would have told me that I was going to attempt suicide...wow! I would have told them no way. In fact after knowing I started using again, Hippie Chick called me a couple of months ago and told me she was slowing driving across The Golden Gate Bridge and the reason it was slow is because someone was about to jump off the rail to commit suicide. She later called me and told me that she saw that and said the first person she thought of was me! She said, “Please don't do that, so many people love you!” I thanked her for her concern, but told her I would never do such a thing. I did tell her that my sticking a needle in my arm was flirting with death enough, but I could never do something so final! Final! Well,.... that's another story. Still, Final!

I am grateful I was no where near the Golden Gate Bridge January 15^th. I was really insane that morning. As it got light that morning, the tallest thing I could find near the San Francisco International Airport, (where I happened to be close to somehow) was a 5 story parking garage! I still can't believe I actually jumped. (For you locals, I was actually in San Bruno and it was the San Bruno parking Garage.)

I am so grateful to be alive. I can't stand all this pain and wonder if I'll ever be normal or able to walk again, but.... I guess I at least got my mind back – for that I am grateful. Apparently, my skull was the last cracked bone. I was telling this woman I was meeting with this morning about recovery here at the hospital how it must have went for me – luckily! The order of destruction that is. Thank God I don't remember the fall or the landing or 3 to 4 weeks following it all, but I believe I landed on my left ankle first. Bone-wise – It hurts the absolute worst. I mean, IT HURTS. And it has large incision cuts on both sides and I saw x-rays of it. X-rays showed it to have the most pieces of bones, metal and screws as any other shattered bone area in my body – there were three other such areas.

Allow me to recall. Shattered left ankle first. Hip bone broken next Tail bone and backbone shattered next  (update on 3/10 - actually, I was a few days later updated that I broke my pelvis, ie - tailbone, in 2 places!) Ouch. Lots of screws and metal there too. Both elbows shattered next. The left shattered worse that the right. It has more pain and has received more metal and screws than the right. Left side ribs next were broken. Broken ribs suck!  (Update on 3/10 - still have broken ribs, however pain has moved to ribs in back since I have gotten more mobile - for whatever that's worth.)  I still have a big hole my skin between my left ribs from that. Apparently there was a tube sticking out from between them. I must have fell to my left side! My left collar bone was broken next. My nephew breaks his collarbone every football season and says it doesn't hurt. It just sucks because it ends his season. He was running the ball pretty good this year too! He's right about it not hurting. The only way I knew mine was broken is because it was swollen and the doctor happened to be near and I said, “Did I break my collar bone?” He said “yes”. No telling what else I broke! Then my neck was broken. Then I cracked my skull. I think that's it. But, I did crack my skull!

Oh, that's not all, pain-wise! I have plenty of nerve pain from the broken back around my rear end area! My feet and legs! Ouch! And, I have trouble going to to the restroom. I hope that changes and it slowly seems to be. I hope I can walk again! Walk again. I remember the last time I bought speed it was from my friend who is missing a leg and is in a wheelchair. I remember feeling miserable about my situation as he was weighing it up for me. I also remember looking at his situation and thinking how I needed to be grateful I could walk. I should have... yeah, right.

If these pains and worries weren't enough, there's the ones the hospital I'm currently in ads. I was mistakenly put in the Isolation Ward for 5 days. They thought I had tuberculosis. I thought it was a mistake, but voicing such a thing gets me no where. They had to run tests and I understood that. I am lucky if I happen have phone or internet access anywhere here! Up there it was internet for a short time. I can't even leave my bed! That's my fault. Up there I was constricted to my room.

I wish everyone considered the situation I have put my pathetic self into and considered the worry of my family who is far away and commonly use to me disappearing for no good reason – since I am a drug addict. I finally talked to some yesterday – by breaking my “not allowed in my wheelchair yet policy.” I do love this place, but just using the phone is so complicated and got me yelled at for truly no good reason Sunday morning by the front desk. My cell phone has service about 20 feet away from my room in the hall. I'm asking to get moved at least a few rooms down today so I can contact my family and friends in Cincinnati and here without having to use their phone or the phone in the hallway! I'm hoping I get internet access sometime today. (Yeah! 3:42 and I have it! Just proof reading.)

Oh boy, I guess all these worries give me something more to fear than my pain and my future. Not really, but.... Whatever.

I am grateful to be alive. I will be no matter how things turn out for me. If I am crippled and in pain the rest of my life, I will be grateful. I'm sure I'll be human and develop some regrets, but it is GOD'S Will I survived. I remember staring over that ledge down to that concrete parking lot and WOW! It was far. It scared me. I can't believe I jumped. Maybe I slipped on the wall trying to come back. Whatever happened, happened.

I was seriously lost for all the wrong reasons. This time I was fighting government officials trying to crush my skull with satellite, laser skull crushing devises. It was to help those I cared about (and them – they tried to help me or witness something....), but I couldn't sit through it long enough. Hearing and actually feeling my skull beginning to crush and my face begin to cave in was too much. It scares me now! There was also The Big Bad Wolf (aka the devil) trying to get me . He too tried to deal with me - something “good.” Never deal with the devil! He's not all bad, but.... He is the devil!

I felt I was in a losing battle this time. Suicide was the quickest and worst, but a way out of the mess I had everyone in “where ever” I had us! I was almost always insane at the end of my runs. If I made it through, using would be my only answer out the depression. And, I made it through the last time run! I'd get that amazingly beautiful rush and run and always hoped I'd get through that hard comedown – which I always did without ever attempting suicide. Bad things had happened, but I'd gamble. I did lost A LOT! Anything to avoid that horrible feeling! Somehow, I could not get unstuck this time. I was miserable. It hurts me so much to even think about. I'm starting to cry right now. I need to stop.

Now if only someone would bring me that password for the internet this Monday afternoon. I miss my internet friends. I miss my family too. I guess I'm a net junkie! OR, I wish someone would move me a few rooms so I could use my cell phone I could call my aunts. I never called them yesterday during my wheelchair outing. It got painful! I'd do a wheelchair outing today – 20 feet down the hall (still may), but as I said earlier, I'm not allowed. It was supposed to be approved on the 27^th but I was in Isolation! “I” make things difficult, but, I make 'em!

I'm feeling better. I am.  I'm having long, painful and very confusing nights, but the voices are long gone - mostly!  I hope I will be able carry this feeling of positivity with me as long as we need it this time into THE GOOD!  I can never use again. I felt this way before, but used. I can never use again. I pray I don't use again! It's important I don't. I'm grateful to be alive! 

I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
And I'm talkin' to myself at night
Because I can't forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a

cigarette

And the message comin' from my eyes says leave it alone...

Don't wanna hear about it
Every single one's got a story to tell
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell
And if I catch it comin' back my way
I'm gonna serve it to you
And that ain't what you want to hear
But that's what I'll do

And the feeling coming from my bones says find a home...

I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera forevermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore
And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding
Right before the lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me
And I will think no more

And the stains comin' from my blood tell me "Go back home"...