Okay, so it looks like I can type a blog on my new phone. It is not easy, but....
(6/19/13 positive)
I just got my teeth cleaned. Now, I am waiting to get my pedicure done. I've never been a pedicure kind of person until I got here. A few months ago, I had my first one done. Before I had it done, I basically pealed off at least a half inch of dead skin off of both of my feet. Having broken bones and nerve damage made me very immobile and bed bound. This apparently makes for dead skin on the feet. Actually, they were very swollen. That's likely the culprit - swollen feet. When the swelling goes down, all that "blown up" skin has to go somewhere. I guess it dies.
So, as you can see, my pedicure has begun. They do such a great job here. I'd do it myself, however, I do still have flexibility issues. Recently having to have shattered my lower back is why this problem exists. I also broke my neck, but it doesn't give me any problems. It cracks a lot. It never used to do that.
Now that the feet are done it's back to the dentist. They are going to replace a filling I lost on the back side of my front tooth a couple of years ago. It doesn't hurt, but I can feel it missing. This hospital is so good to me. In fact, the dentist assistant just took my blood pressure. It's 93 over 64. She says that's good!
This afternoon, my good friend Lisa is going to take me to my storage unit so I can return my printer and a couple other things I can't take to drug rehab. Making the decision to bring my printer here was a good one. I made 3 sales in the past couple of weeks. This is extremely helpful for me financially. I now have 6 times as much money in the bank as I did before! It will help me get through up to 6 months of rehab.
I'm not going to complain, but I just want to say that the internet connection at this super modern hospital is terrible. I won't go into any of the details, but I have to jump through so many hoops just to do anything. Right now, I'm back upstairs typing in the library. I don't have a very big mobile phone connection either, so just trying to do anything on my new android isn't that great or quick either. I hope the connection at my new rehab is good. For anyone who has not been keeping up lately, I do check into drug rehab on Monday. I'm actually okay with it. I physically feel ready. In many ways, some of my condition - especially the nerve damage, has not really improved that much. In fact, it may be going the other way. I have not had to start catheterizing myself again yet, but it really has been getting worse for some reason. My walking ability has gotten better. I use a cane and I hobble around quite a bit, but it works. The addict in me does need help. This morning, I was sent to the Psychiatric Health Clinic. It is located in South of Market. This was my old hood of course. It brought back so many memories. I went past the park I used to walk Phil to all the time. While at the clinic, I saw one of my friends I knew from the street. I've known him for years. He actually has a place. When I was homeless he used to invite me up and feed me cereal He has been clean for many years. He spent many years in prison. I wrote about him before. Today, he said "It looks like you f----- yourself up good! You wobble around like Red Skelton!" He has always spoken his mind and, I do! He also told me that "No woman's gonna want a cripple like you." I hope he's right. I need to deal with me - possibly for the rest of my life. I've learned I'm not a good mate anyway. We talked for a while. He asked if he could read my blog I was telling him about. He couldn't read the small text on my phone, so I read it to him. Being able to do that mattered to me. People reading this blog, matters to me. I say this because I hope it is so very evident that this blog has a purpose. I have a purpose. I'm not trying to preach, but I CANNOT deny God. Everything that has ever occurred to me over the years convinced me that there is something so much greater happening in this universe. I may be a messed up person, but being so incredibly messed up showed me something. It started so many years ago that I believe only those who "check out" could possibly know about this. Everyone else is way to busy doing the important things in life that they need to do and their loved ones need them to do. While it was something that came from my hardcore drug use in the beginning, it is something I cannot deny while I am clean. The only difference is that God chooses a much more subtle, kind and gentle approach to his delivering of the message. I do know that this is possible for everyone to notice. It is not necessary for people to witness the dark sides way. God's way is the only way necessary. Songs come on at just the right time. Messages are written in the side walk at just the right time. Feelings come over me - at just the right time. Speaking of, I feel hungry - at just the right time. It is dinner time. It is because of God that I will enjoy this dinner tonight. For that I am so grateful. I'll be back to finish this blog - at just the right time. Actually, it doesn't go that smooth for me! However, the truth about it is, I really need to view life in such a way. Nothing occurs by accident or out of time - unless I make mistakes. For now, I'll leave it at that. I'll be back when it feels right. Well, it looks like I am able to post my videos I took of us jamming last night, so I'll finish this blog tomorrow. That feel right - right now! Well, that was fast. I guess I have about 24 minutes until the library closes. I should be able to get this thing done - I think. Probably not. I actually want this blog to be the last one I type before I go into drug rehab on Monday. It is currently Thursday night. I have been doing so much lately to get myself prepared. Like I mentioned earlier, Lisa helped me take many of my things to storage last night. We then went to a recovery meeting where I picked up this!
I love the meeting that I picked up that chip. (Sorry again about my frustration above. I just don't like being questioned so much about my personal decisions by anyone.) I was the secretary of that meeting about 9 months ago until I relapsed. Those days I was using were so dark. My Goodness they were so dark. It all seems so real to me. I do know that Those Voices were coming from somewhere besides my head. They are connected to way to many outside sources. It's funny, because as sick as I was and as dark as things were, I do have a way to believe that God does exist, thanks to those Voices. Actually, that was proven to me before I started hearing voices. It's a long, long, long story I wrote about years ago. Those Voices, have stayed around a bit recently. I can't here them now. Well, that's not completely true. I just listened and I did hear one. It was very nonthreatening. In fact, just now one said, "We're here to make you believe that God will always be here for you Dave. Stop fearing what they have to say to you Dave." The truth is, I do try to ignore them. I had a friend who really does care about me the other day get into a very debated discussion with me about why I really need to get on to a medication that will completely stop the voices. (Okay, I knew I had written about this recently. My friend who just questioned me about "why" I'm getting baptized is the person who thought I should be on medication. Well, I was proof reading until I got the part about picking up that chip and needed to take a photo while I was here. I forgot that I wrote about that "discussion" in this blog and it had yet to be published. Interestingly enough....) I get where people may feel that way, however, as long as I never use again, those voices are not really an issue. (And, I want to get baptized for my reasons.) My cravings for drugs are a much bigger issue. In fact, those voices used to get so mad at me when they were in my head and I went to get drugs anyway. The voices that were really intense and undeniable back then were very angry with me for going against what they had to say. I did become an absolute freak on that drug. If I would have listened to them years ago, none of this would have happened. They tried so hard to get me to go to rehab and to stop using and being the person that drug turns me into. It wasn't them that were wrong. It was ME! Eventually, I was connected to the dark ones however. The good ones were trying to help me and my loved ones. I'll leave it at that. It's so confusing. All of it. It was so real to me. I cannot deny it - ever. This morning, the psychiatrist I spoke with was asking me about my addiction. He was a good guy. I was very open and honest with him about everything. That is the way I will always be these days. This does not mean that I will tell everyone everything, but if asked, I will likely spill it all about me. I don't want to hurt anyone. I will keep other peoples secrets too. I won't necessarily tell everything right away to everyone either. For instance, a couple weeks ago, I had to go to an oncologist. I had no idea what this was, however, I learned what it was before I went. It was a cancer doctor. My white blood cells were going crazy. I think they were too high or too low or something. It turns out, it was only the medication I was put on, to stop The Voices, by the way. That's exactly why I don't want to be on anything some day. In fact, the advice the oncologist gave me was, "You are a very bright young man. Stop F------ using!" His words. I guess my whole point is, I don't want to worry people about me. If someone asked me..... Whatever. That stuff is over. Recovery is NOW. Recover is TOMORROW. Recovery is FOREVER! Guess what else is NOW, TOMORROW and FOREVER? GOD! I know this. I know this because whenever I have slipped away from Recovery/GOD, I slip back into the darkness. God will always be there for me. I just have to stay with Him. I say "Him" simply because that's what I need to be - A Good, loving man! Unfortunately, I believe I have been closer to the evil one than I have been to God. This is because of all of the wrong choices I have made in life. This is why I do feel that I should get baptized - to help bring me closer to God AND to keep me beside God for eternity. (I did write this on Thursday night - before our Friday night discussion). Staying with that dark one I was told was not called "eternity", it was "never ending". I hope and pray that all souls have a chance to make it to the Good side some day. Is that really possible? Could Adolf Hitler's soul ever become something Good? I don't have all the answers. I'll never tell people what they need to believe in. Okay, now I'm writing and it is Friday night at the mall. I'll stop writing in italics to let that be known. The truth is, I have been in a lot of tears while here. This is where Susan and I spent so much time. It's only a couple blocks away from where we lived for 9 years. It has a humongous food court and a movie theater upstairs. It has a store that sells aftershave that she bought me all the time that I use to this day. I have a little bit left. I'll miss it. It's too expensive for me to replace. Every time I put it on, it's smell takes me back to Good days. Somehow even the Good days upset me these days. Perhaps I need a new aftershave anyway. I have a lot of issues. A lot of issues! I mean that. My head is so.... I think it is important that I start rehab soon. My sadness could possibly turn to giving up some day. I can tell that's possible now. If I give up, I'm dead. DEAD! I don't like that I wrote what I just wrote. I am so grateful to be alive. I do have so many things to be sad about. I was so wrong for so long. God has been so good to me. I can't deny that. I'm sorry this blog will end in this manner. It may be a while before I post another. Actually, today I was walking from the old hospital building to the new. I was trying to get some medical records but.... It's a long story, but I didn't get them. On my walk back I was hearing voices. "They" were basically saying that half the things I say people believe in and half the things I say make people think I have issues. I get that. That's not the important part. The important part to me was what I saw laying on the ground at in the middle of all that. It was a message from God. I know this. I saw a piece of cardboard on the ground that said "Grace". I saved it and will try to post it on here tonight with my android when I get back to the hospital. If I can't get it posted my new way then I will definitely post it tomorrow while at a coffee shop.
I think I wrote earlier how God communicates to me in that way. He gives me message at just the right time and just the right way - some how. PAY ATTENTION EVERYONE! By the way, Journeys Don't Stop Believing just came on at the mall right now! (I guess it is actually Friday) Like I said.... With a song, a written message in concrete, a passing truck with writing or pictures. God is always gentle, kind and subtle. God has given me so much Grace. For that I am so grateful. In fact, I feel very loved right now. It feels very good. Thank you God. I'm going to be okay everyone. Thank you. My writing helps. I love people. I also do struggle sometimes. I think I do need help. I've been listening to Billy Squire a lot lately. This song sure feels right - right now.
Life isn't easy from the singular side
Down in the hole some emotions are hard to hide It's your decision it's a chance that you take It's on your head it's a habit that's hard to break Do you need a friend would you tell no lies Would you take me in are you lonely in the dark... You never listen to the voices inside They fill your ears as you run to a place to hide You're never sure if the illusion is real You pinch yourself but the mem'ries are all you feel Can you break away from your alibis Can you make a play will you meet me in the dark... Don'tcha need me...hey, hey Don'tcha need me...oh yea Don'tcha leave me...hey, hey Don'tcha need me...oh yea You take no int'rest no opinion's too dear You make the rounds and you try to be so sincere You guard your hopes and you pocket your dreams You'd trade it all to avoid an unpleasant scene Can you face the fire when you see me there Can you feel the fire will you love me in the dark... |
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