It's Wednesday right now (Oh, duh - I'm proof reading on Thursday. I still feel...like I'm tripping). I got everything done like getting my two photograph orders together. I mailed the two 16 x 20 matted and framed photos back to Cincinnati this afternoon. And, the woman who purchased the photos for this musical, The Fantasticks, in which her daughter was in is coming by any minute now.
I am debating whether or not I am going to go to tonight's Wednesday night meeting at City Church's office. I think I should. Sister has been "telling me to go" for months now! I realized she was telling me to go to City Church Sunday when I looked up the address. It is on the same street that she keeps yelling and a it is a similar address. She says, "Take me to 860 Sutter!" (This is now the real address. I used to use a fake one. She also gave me permission to write about her.)
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| Sister Rose She also gave me permission to post her photo! |
As I have written in past blogs, I really do feel sorry for her. She is always in pain and always "begging" someone to take her to take her to "8-6-0 Sutter." I pray for her all the time. She really does seem like a good person.
At times, I have believed that we may some how be here for each other. A couple of weeks ago, one of my readers, who refers to herself as "My Stalker" wrote me an email saying that we may be here for each other. This, of course, supported what I had already thought in the past.
I just remembered how on Monday, I was walking across the street towards my storage unit and I saw a playing card lying on the street. It was a Queen. I immediately thought of Rose - Queens are women. About 5 steps later, I saw another Queen. I felt this was a way of simply reassuring my belief that she may be "heavenly". Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while now likely know how I used to play "street poker" over the years.
When I used to be out on a run many years ago, I used to pay attention to playing cards as I walked along and saw them appear on the street. Over the years, I always saw number cards, but I rarely saw face cards. After a while, I started seeing face cards incredibly often. I knew something was up. I came to believe, with help from the voices, that if I got a hand including four of a kind which consisted of Aces, I was in trouble - I may be on way to hell.
I don't completely remember the details, but years ago, I saw four aces in a row on four different nights. One was in front of a sex club. The final one was in placed on my door step. It wasn't long after that I started getting MRSA infections which could be deadly. Years later, after I was in the ICU for the first time, I was thinking of using again. I had 4 1/2 months clean. On my way to pick up some frames a box trailer truck drove in front of me - on it's box trailer were four aces. A few months ago, after I relapsed for the first time after being clean for 7 1/2 months, I was out on the street taking photos. I saw an ace on the ground. Again, it was warning me I was on my way.
After I left my storage unit, I was walking across the street. I smelled smoke. It reminded me of my using days. Just as I thought of those "using days", I looked onto the ground and saw an Ace of Spades. It was lying on the street corner in the exact same place as those two queens were located on my way there.
In the past I concluded that one Ace, means the devil - especially the Ace of Spades. All four of them mean hell.
Where was this blog heading? Oh yeah, Rose coincidences. It turns out City Church is at 1260 Sutter. 860 Sutter is actually the address for one of The Academy of Art University San Francisco's. I do find that to be pretty interesting since I do love art and I am a Street Artist. Well, City Church's offices are at 1388 Sutter. I used to go to this Wednesday night meeting while I was at the last drug program. It is the program that exited me. I really think all of these "coincidences" really do mean I need to go to this meeting tonight! (Wednesday night)
(It's Thursday night) Well, I didn't go last night for a couple of reasons. One of the reasons is that the person who bought those photos from me did not show up. She emailed me instead. We are going to work our sale out in the mail instead of in person, so it's still a good thing for us.
I ended up having someone mail them for me. As soon as he gets the price from the post office tomorrow, he will email me how much and I will then email her how much so she can mail me a check. The guy who mailed it and something else for me is a writer for the hospitals newspaper. I took a new headshot for him last week for this weeks newspaper.
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| This is that newspaper I've been so excited about and writing about. This is "The Voice!" |
Okay, Back to going to church and that meeting at my churches office with my pastor . My blog speaks quite a bit about how I believe that it was God's Will that I survived. So much of the sermon really touched on such a thing. That always happens for me when I attend City Church. The sermon speaks so closely to what is going on in my head. It was strange this time. The Pastor preached as to how we need to combine God's Will into Our Will. That made sense to me, however, I kept dosing off during his sermon.
When I am dosing off at night before going to sleep, I always get confused about reality and the insanity of my past. It happens to me so often. It felt strange but not accidental. I asked my friend who sat next to me and who is also my mentor who agreed to meet me there if she saw me dosing off and said, "No". I think that's what she said. Either way, it must not have been a huge ordeal.
I just wanted to be sure I wasn't moaning and groaning as I usually do at night. One of the times that caught my ears during the sermon was the Prayer of Confession:
Heavenly Father,
your love brings life to dead souls,
light to darkened minds,
and strength to weak wills....
I was almost a dead soul and my will was certainly week. I have said and I continue to say how my living was Gods Will. It is important now that I find a way to continue to strengthen My Will so that I may combine My Will with Gods Will.
Another one of the most gripping moments for me came from Bible verses - go figure. This is the first time I returned to church since I made that horrible choice to jump of the 5th story of a parking garage on January 15th. Evil demanded me too do what I did. However, I did what I did so I would no longer hurt anyone who cared about me, not because the evil one ordered me to. It was not God's Will that I attempt suicide. It was an insane and evil drug induced WRONG decision. However, it was an unselfish act. Therefore, I believe it was (and is) Gods Will that I survive:
9 “This, then, is how you should pray:
“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
Hearing these verses at church reminded me of a something Sister Rose said to me at lunch. She said that she was quoting Genesis:
"Upon this rock I will build my church and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it."
Again, I did not go to that meeting last night, but I still believe I need to. Last night, while thinking about whether or not I should go, I happened to be on Facebook. Just as I was considering, I looked on the screen and someone had posted a photograph of my pastor - the one who runs those meetings. In the photo, he was at a Giants game. It's not like people don't have their photos on Facebo0k, however, he is not a big Facebooker and I have rarely seen his photo on there. Someone else had posted it.
It's Thursday now. My brain is so scrambled somehow. I'm not going to get into it to much, but I feel like I'm on LSD right now. I can't stand the way I feel.
I'll end this really soon, but I just happened to look on the television screen that was on in the dining room and The President just landed at Moffitt Field in Mountain View. He'll likely be spending the night at The Intercontinental Hotel, where he always does. This is located right down the street from Susan and my old apartment. It's about a block and a half away. It's right across the street from The San Francisco Chronicle. We lived where we lived because it was near their since I used to work at that newspaper years ago. I wasn't the papers main photographer....
Anyone who has always read my blog may remember how he had a lot to do with my recovery in the past. We always crossed paths. In many ways, he helped me get clean.
I really don't want to get into it right now, but.... I can't really write about this. I know I always say I reveal The Truth, but I don't think I'm ready to reveal the way things went with us in my last relapse. My death may have been necessary for some reasons back then. It wouldn't have necessarily been wrong. It's so ridiculous and complicated. And, it may actually be too much for me to know and or reveal. I've been so confused lately.
I'm kind of hearing voices again, but, things aren't normal for me. My internet works, but my Facebook is not accessible. I had no idea The President was in town, but now I'm more confused. I'll leave things at this. I love our President. He's a good man. I'll leave it at that.
I need to remember that ALL THAT STUFF WAS IN THE PARALEL UNIVERSE. Times crossed over it seemed, but it was all there. He is just...so important.
ACTUALLY, I just remembered how the entire reason I got clean was because of him. I was in the homeless shelter and I saw him one morning. I then walked by and saw my guitar in the pawn shop. Either way, I felt so good about seeing him, I walked to The San Francisco Public Library and started writing my blog again. It's no wonder I wrote Standing on the Moon.
I can't think of a song for this one. It took me a week to write and one never even came up for me. Perhaps it should be called "Rose" for now. That's at least unit I may come up with another. Perhaps Rose has one for us. Good night Rose. Rose sure needs prayer everyone. Thank you.
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