Everything is Gonna be Alright

(Thursday, 5/30/13)
I am so tired.  "HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!"  I'm sorry, just as I started writng, those are the words I heard.  Sister is right across the hall from me.  She is in the first room I was ever in.  It is a private room.  I'm pretty sure they put me in that room in the beginning because I was a "Help, Help, Helper!"  The thing is, I really needed it.  Or, at least I was in serious, serious pain.  She may be in some sort of mental pain, but she is physically "okay" - I think.  I don't deny her cries for help, I just don't have an answer to them.  It seems no one does. 

She actually shares a bathroom with another small private room.  This room was the 4th room I was in.  I spent a lot of time in that one.  I really like that one.  I even decorated it.  It really felt quite a bit like home.   

I was placed in it after I was moved out of the Isolation Ward.  They put me in the Isolation Ward because the thought I had TB.  I knew I didn't.  My being an IV drug user for so many years, made me see how the guy who gave me the test did it wrong.  I have actually been given a few TB tests recently.  Actually, I was first placed in another room which did not have service to my mobile phone, so they eventually moved me.  They could move me on an hours notice when they needed my room....  My beginning here was....  Wow!  Painful.  Literally and....

That room now belongs to "Looney Tunes".  I guess "Looney Tunes" is the nickname I just came up with for the crazy guy who talks to himself, walks in and out of my room, ransacked my room a couple of times and threatened me after I had fallen asleep a couple of times.  What better place to place this man than right across the hall from me?
 
"AAAHHH, MY NECK.  YOU'RE SQUEEZING MY NECK."  That's the words sister just spit out.   Anyway, "Looney Tunes" got moved right across the hall from me the night after he came into my room threatening me to "GET OUT OF HIS ROOM!"  They told me that "he was GONE!"

I'm grateful to be here.  I'm grateful for this place.  Those two across the hall, I pray for them all the time.  I'm not too worried about "Looney Tunes", but I do question if he belongs here.

It was such a beautiful day today.  I really tried to make the best of it.  I had an appointment with The Department of Rehabilitation at 2:00.  I met with them just in case I cannot be a street artist because I'm physically unable.   It was so strange going somewhere because I am "disabled".  The strange thing about it was that I was seemingly the most disabled person there.  Physically at least.  When I filled out the questionnaires,  I was amazed at how many boxes I had to check and how many things I really had to fill out about myself. 

For me, it is strange being disabled.  It makes me sad.  I mean I hope that some day I am not, but for now....  I actually do appreciate it when people give me their bus seat.  I feel stupid.  Especially when it's a woman who does it.  In the short time I have dealt with this, it seems to me that women do it the quickest.  I really do not like it, but I really am in a lot of a pain and I really do have trouble balancing.  The last thing I want to do is fall into someone else on the train or bus.  I used to always be the one to stand up for people - especially elderly people.  Perhaps there are simply a few more of them using public transportation.  There are so many physically and mentally disabled people in The City.  I think it has a lot to do with all that San Francisco offers such people.

I really was enjoying today.  I even stopped and visited my street artist friends before my meeting since The Department of Rehabilitation is only a few blocks from Justin Herman Plaza.  It was so nice to see all of them.  It was such a beautiful day.  I pray to God that I will be able to be a street artist again - some day.  I just love it.  However, like I said, I am looking into other options just in case. 

After my "future work" meeting, I had to deal with my "present work" responsibilities.  I had to stop and buy some new ink.  I (am) so worried about getting those photos I sold printed.  I didn't want to request the wrong cartridge, so I took the old one that was, of course, empty.  The guy behind the counter asked if I wanted them to recycle it so I said, "Sure!"  I then saw on the counter a sheet advertising their photo contest.  My good friend Lisa informed me about.  I said, "Oh, I entered this!  When is the deadline?"  The guy uninterestingly replied, "I don't know.  They don't tell us those things."  I then saw the date was printed on the sheet, so I said, "Oh it's tomorrow!  I hope I win!"  He didn't say anything. 
 

 

 


It's a bit of a variety.  However, over the years, these three have been my best sellers out there.  If I win, I get  $2,000 worth of equipment rentals.  I have a couple friends in mind who I believe could burn that up with me!  I hope so.

 
I asked the man behind the counter if the Nikon D3200 was still on sale.  I know someone who is interested because we spent a lot of time in this hospital together.  He told me he was interested in a camera.  After learning about his skill level and budget, I highly suggested the Nikon D3200 and I highly suggested Calumet to buy it.  I have always loved Calumet.  The man behind the counter let me know that the sale ended this weekend.  I left the store with an impression that the guy was not a very nice employee.  However, I went ahead and called my friend and let him know that the sale was ending this weekend.  My friend said he'd go there tomorrow to buy that camera.

(Saturday,  6/1/13)
By the way, it is now Saturday and my friend just called me for Calumets number so he could figure out a way to get the camera.  He was in a wheelchair, however, the wheelchair was permitted to go with him from the hospital, but that is an issue I'd rather not involve myself in.  Basically, it's difficult for him to get there.  I've helped him quite a bit already.  I think he can buy it online, but it's in his hands now.  I'm overwhelmed myself!  And, it's Saturday!  I haven't felt like this in a long time....  In a bit....

(Back to the past - Thursday, 5/30/13)
I then took a few photos of the city.  I then figured I should jump on the train so I could catch the shuttle bus when I got back to the hospital.  It runs between the station and the hospital.  It's a close distance, but, it is up hill about 1/3 of a mile and I was tired and in quite a bit of pain at the end of the day.  When I went downstairs, I saw that the next train that was coming was a K.  I can use a K!  They stop at my station.  I ran an jumped on.  Once on, I realized I was actually on an N.  I can't use an N!  They don't stop at my station.  They go to the beach, not the top of the mountain!  I was feeling so upset.   For one, the shuttle bus stops at 6:00.  It was 5:00.  Also, Epson technical support ends at 6:00.  I was concerned about that just in case my printer has more issues than simply having an empty ink cartridge.  I have had so many problems so far, who knows!

I got off the outbound N train and then waited a bit for the inbound N train.  Inbound trains run less frequent during the evening rush hour of course.  It took a bit, but finally, one came.  Once I made it back to Van Ness Station and I was on the platform, I saw it still said that the next train arriving was, "K".  It's wrong!  I heard on the intercom say, "Outbound train, 2 car, L, L in 3 minutes".  Yeah!  Well about 10 minutes passed and once again the loud speaker had spit out the words, "Outbound train, 2 car, L, L in 3 minutes", at least 3 more times.   Then, it said, ""Outbound train, 2 car, L, L in 2 minutes".  I thought, "Oh great, that must mean 20 minutes!".  Finally, they said something about the train having a broken door.  That explained things.  Eventually it came.  Once at Forest Hill Station, my new station, I didn't see a shuttle when I got here, so I walked up the trail!  I used the trail instead of the steps! 

My dinner was in my room.  I thought, "I am going to get at least one of these pages printed so I can have myself a nice relaxing and calm meal!"  After all, I was stressing out a little bit all day about whether or not the printer would be properly working.  Well, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, and I tried, and I tried, and I tried to put the printer in its location.  It would not fit.  Finally, I realized, Mr. Niceguy from the store, sold me the wrong cartridge.  Perhaps he was spending too much time being so nice to me.  My goodness.  I know I told him the right cartridge, because he took my old one and recycled it!  AAAAHHHH!  My day just went berserk! 
 
Getting little simple things done have just been so hard.  I can't even understand, "Why?"  My goodness.  I am already overwhelmed in life.  Why does all this keep happening to me.  Plus, as much as I enjoyed today and loved hanging out with my street artists, going by my old neighborhood was heartbreaking.  On the way, I was on the train.  Just hearing the recording on the train say, "Civic Center Station", caused me to have tears in my eyes.  Seeing it was really hard.  Phil and I stood at the top of those escalators waiting for Susan to appear in her nice long black jacket and watch give her little wave.  Phil always anticipated this moment and was so excited to see her.  His little head would scoop down and put her in view and his little tail would slap my side from his excitement.   Those days are over.  They are over.

I'm on my way to a new life.  I do hope to include some of my old.  I have already mixed in some new photo sales - if I could just get my darn printer to print!  My new photo sales were from someone from a musical I photographed.  I have also looked into some new possible work opportunities by meeting with The Department of Rehabilitation today.  In some ways, I feel confident in myself.  I really want a new life.  I am so grateful to be alive.

I JUST NOW asked if I could take the cartridge back in the morning and the nurse said, "I don't know if you can tomorrow.  OOOOhhhh.  It's so close."  My goodness.  I can't tell you what that does to me.  This guy at that store really made things so hard for me!  Please God.  Please.  Please.  Please help me.

Oh my.  It's like I said, my life has so many complications lately.  I guess that could go for everyone.  I still have faith it's all going to be alright. I've been waking up without worrying too much lately, but it's continuing to know that every thing is gonna be alright that I struggle with.

I really do believe my life will be okay as long as I stay clean.  Just filling out many of those forms today at The Department of Rehabilitation Center gave me faith in that today.  I have also been partaking in some new forms of photography that have been successful.  For instance, I photographed that musical and have already made a sale from it. 
 


I just love this one.  It is a photograph of the cast of the musical, The Fantasticks.  It was a great musical and I have many more shots, just in case you're interested!  I did sell this one as well as some more personal shots to the cast.  That feels very nice!

 
I also helped my friend, who starred in that musical, he's the pirate, with the film he is making.  I love the photos I got out of it.  I'm just so excited to be "The Director of Photography" for a documentary film.  Plus, as I said, I know I have some of those musical photos sold already.  I just really love people and I love sharing the things I love to do in the art department, however, I did major in marketing I must not forget.  It was years ago, but....
 

The event always has such a great turn out.  Many of the "artists" also perform at my old hangout - Brainwash.  Brainwash even displayed my photos for a while.  I sold a few as a result.  The man in this shot, Charlie helped put this thing together 10 years ago.  Much more information and entertainment will be revealed recently as soon as this documentary is released.  The documentary will be called, "Rock, Paper, Scissors".  It will likely show at a San Francisco theater and will also be available on DVD!  I can not wait until the film is released!

I am even the Photographer for the hospitals newspaper!  In fact, the first new edition is coming out in a couple of days!  I had to get a bunch of releases signed the past couple of days.  I am looking so forward to it coming out.  Ironically, the new name of the new paper is, "The Voice!"  Go figure!  Seeing as though I always heard voices all the time when I was using!  It was the voices that directed me here after all.  It makes me laugh.  I hope I don't get busted for taking all those photos!  Like I said, I did get releases signed. 

I guess as anxious as I do become, I am also doing a lot of good things towards my future.  I still have issues.  It'll be alright.  I know this.  It's simply the cards that I dealt myself that must play these days.

I'm tired.  I will get up in the morning and proof this thing.  My brain is doing loopy loops on me right now.  I'm also seeing double and both images are incredibly blurry.  Good night!  Thanks for being my reader.  I love you for that.

(Back to the future - 6/1/13

Well, our newly revised newspaper, "The Voice" came out today.  It looks as if I have somehow managed to combine the thing I came to San Francisco to do and the thing I now love to do.  I began working at The Chronicle.   I am now a photographer.  I was an artist in high school.  I loved art.  I met Susan in art class.  While at the University of Cincinnati, I got a degree in marketing and was the Sales Manager for the "New Record" .  The News Record is U.C.'s newspaper.

I do love the way these two things feel together.  Perhaps I will be able to build my resume from it.  I feel a little better now.

This is todays cover.  The Voice!  I just love that name.  There are no coincidences in life.  God loves us all.  We must stay on track.

The printer works great.  The photos are beautiful.  However, one of the matte boards has sticky stuff on it.  AND, one of the frames has scratched plexi-glass!  I mean, seriously?  My goodness.  It just never stops with these stupid little glitches.  The thing is, mattes and frames are things I usually keep in pretty good stalk.  In fact, they are in good stock - in my storage unit!  I just happened to only grab 2 of each.  I will take them back to where I bought them - some day!  For now, I just need to get back to my storage unit.   Oh my. 



Here's my new office scene!  I just wish the little "glitches" would stop!  Having a recently broken back, two recently broken elbows and a 43 pound printer sure makes all this interesting.   I really do need these sales.  It really does feel nice to be printing photos again.  This may sound silly, but it really sooths my soul!  

The thing is, I am kind of liking my trips.  I feel like I am commuting to work.  Early next week I'll take care of this.  One of my sales has already been taken care of.  I am just awaiting the customer to arrive next week.  Being on the bus and or train is interesting as I said earlier.  I just was taught by a worker at a Muni station that I only have to pay a handicap rate.  That means I only pay 75 cents per trip instead of $2.00 per trip.  Does a computer not have a cent sign?  Anyway,  It is something I just learned and do appreciate.

Going to my storage again is a bit necessary I guess.  I need to organize it a bit better anyway.  Nothing happens by accident.  Having sticky stuff on one of my mattes and a scratched frame bothers me.  Those two things cost me at least $10.00!  Actually, those are specially cut mattes for me, so probably even more!  The guys I buy it from will give me some new ones if I return them.  It's just that that is so inconvenient for me now.  If I had a place where I could keep my stock, I'd simply switch them out and trade those things in when I need a refund. 

My neighbor, Sister, is screaming for the police to come in right now.  She is yelling, "Police, I hurt!"  She keeps yelling how she pooped her pants.  I feel so sorry for this woman.  One of the nurses just sung out, "Lady in Red!"  I don't know which nurse it was, but I don't find this to be a joke like many of these nurses and patients do.  I'm not going to go on and on about it, but I feel sorry for her - a lot.  She needs some kind of help.  I don't like when ANYONE makes fun of her.

I've decided I am going to church tomorrow.  City Church.  The thing I just realized is that one of city churches addresses, the one I am going to tomorrow, is right down the road from where "Sister" begs to go all day long.  This is not the real address, but all day she yells, "Help, Help, Help, Help, Help, Take me to 860 Powell!"  City churches (not real) address is 1260 Powell."  I have said it before that there is no such thing as a coincidence. 

My friend from the last program I was in stopped by about a week ago urging me to go back to City Church and telling me how the take care of their own.  All I know is that I have really missed that church.  I want to go simply because I always get to hear what I need to hear when I have gone in the past.  I know I belong there.

Speaking of being disabled, tomorrow I am going to take ParaTransit.    ParaTranit is a great program in San Francisco for people like me and worse.  I think I'll use it sometimes, but probably not for trips to the church.  ParaTransit will cost me $4.00 round trip.  Muni will cost me $1.50 round trip.  That means I could save $130.00 per year!

I can do the bus.  I like the bus.  Some day, I will do my bike!  I truly believe that some day, I will ride my bike again.  Riding my bike would save me $208.00 per year! 

Sister: "Help, Help, Help, Help, Help, Officer Please!  Lights off Officer Please.  Help, Help, Help, Help, Help, Open door Officer Please!  Help, Help, Help, Help, Help, close window Officer Please!"

I remember screaming for help from that room.  I was in so much pain.  I'm going to pray for her.  I care about her.  One of my readers even suggested we may be here for each other in some way.  I  have no idea how, but she may be right.  I'll tell you one thing, I'm going near that address she has been yelling out since the day she got here.  I'm going just down the street in fact.  I look forward to going to church tomorrow.  Thanks sister.  Sure doesn't seem like an accident to me.  Or a coincidence.  It seem as though that may be how she is here for me to some degree.  It is.

Just now, as I went to push publish, I heard a nurse say, "Thank you Lord for putting (Sister) here!"  I can't deny those words.  They sound good to me.

"Everything's gonna be alright!"

 

 

 

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!