Last Chance

Nothing is really too easy these days. For some strange reason the wireless connection at this hospital is very selective about the websites it allows me to access. It doesn't allow me to access Facebook, my email and BlogSpot.com. These three are the sites I use most – of course. I'm a pretty lonely person. Being able to access Facebook in the evenings is something I enjoyed. I do miss it. I'm sure I will really miss not being able to access Facebook when I check into rehab soon. I DO need to do that.

I've been getting out and about some lately. I am very grateful that I can do this. I also enjoy doing this. I do it by myself. Although I am lonely, I actually kind of like being a loner these days. However, fear has somewhat arisen. The fear of using that is. I'm not saying that I want to use. I'm just realizing that one day I will be on my own out there and I will be able to easily get what will likely kill me. Or, I will likely kill myself I should say. I have no idea why I would ever go down this road, however, it is important that I get serious about recovery. I know from ten years of experience - I always pick up where I left off. The last thing I did was attempt suicide.  I don't want to get into it all, but I do know that I will do this again if I use again. Sad but true.

Being in this hospital is kind of like being in a protective bubble. In a few days, I'll have 6 months clean. That is really great. Wednesday, I am meeting with a drug rehab. It is a very big one here in the city. I will not name it, but I will say that it is the clinic that arose from the summer of love that runs this rehab. Seeing as that was ultimately the root of the San Francisco epidemic, it may not be a bad place for me to be. The building I will be in is located in the neighborhood where the summer of love took place. It is located in the neighborhood that Susan and I lived when we first moved to San Francisco.  I do love that neighborhood.  It is next to a beautiful hillside park.  While I like this fact, I did use to use in that park - a lot.  It's time to create new memories.  It is also down the street from the best park in the world - Golden Gate Park!  Oh yeah, I used in that park too.

As far as things not being really to easy for me these days, I guess I was thinking about how I am going to get this blog posted. I figure I could buy one of those tiny little USB port drives that hold digital files and save this on it and then stick it into one of the computers upstairs in the hospitals library. Although I have lots of portable hard drives that plug into USB ports and the wall, I don't have one of those little drives here.  However, I have 3 external hard drives.  With those, I have 2 1/2 terabytes of memory!  I have photos since 2002 and every music CD I've ever owned on them.  I also have an automatic weekly backup that goes onto one of them.   I have a fourth one that one of my friends holds onto for me.  It has all my money making photos on it and many other important documents.  I advise doing this to everyone.

I figure I'll stop at Radio Shack on my way to a recovery meeting soon. I was just thinking about where that recovery meeting club was and a radio shack is located. The subway that I can get on that is located across the street from the hospital eventually ends up running underneath Market Street. In fact, the next stop is the first Market Street stop.  Market Street is where those two locations are located. It's just that my locations are not right next to the stations.

Now a days, I have to think about these things. Wobbling along on my cane can get a bit tiring and my back can start to hurt, so I was just considering that. I will do it. It will make me stronger. It's just that it goes with things not being too easy for me these days. I look pretty silly wobbling down the street with my cane, however, I am grateful to be alive.

Lately, when I walk, I walk with God. It feels so nice. The other morning, I was walking down the trail that leads The Forest Hill Subway Station across the street. It felt so nice. I stayed with God the whole time. Remembering to do this so important for me.  It makes such a beautiful difference for me.

That Forest Hill Subway Station is really cool. It is the oldest Subway Station in San Francisco. At one point in time, it was the only subway station in San Francisco.  It feels and smells a lot like a New York City Subway Station.  It's a lot smaller, but it feels just like it.  That's likely because they were built around the same time. 

Forest Hill Station.

It's got that oily NYC Subway Smell.  I love it!

It is very deep into this little mountain.

It is very beautiful on the inside.  It's a nice little train station.  It was built in 1917.

A great deal of the train lines run above ground all over the city. That line, which now has 4 different lines combined, eventually connects to the “main line”, where all the lines eventually meet – Market Street. Up until the 1970's, when BART was developed in the Bay Area,  that "main line" (Market Street) ran above ground - on Market Street. When BART showed up, Market Street was the obvious route that needed to have many stops.   BART trains can have up to 10 cars.  EVERYTHING was getting a bit crowded, so they turned BART and the Market Street Muni Lines into subways. And, there is still one line that runs above ground, the F line. The F line is the old school trains.

The F Line is at street level. The Muni Subway is on the first level down. The BART line is beneath it. Essentially, the train lines on Market Street has 3 levels. I obviously love transportation. 

Last Friday, I got to see my favorite form of transportation – jets! However, I first had to see something that reminded me that I can't fly! We drove by the San Bruno Parking Garage. The San Bruno Parking Garage is the garage the I jumped off of on January 15^th. I was so insane that day. Seeing it off in the distance didn't make a huge difference in the way I felt. I didn't like the way it felt.  I don't like the way it feels right now. 

San Bruno Parking Garage

It sure felt much nicer to be by those jumbo jets that were coming in and out of SFO!  I love jumbo jets.  I am such a dork.  The restaurant they took us to was very near the airport. In fact, the back side of it faced the San Francisco Bay. SFO's runways extend out into the bay. Flying into SFO is always a treat. It appears as though you are landing on the water. Seeing that airport really took me back to the days when things were different. Back to when things were better.

San Francisco International gets a lot of these big fella's.  I love 747's. 



It's already getting its share of these big fella's also!  The A380 is now the largest commercial jet that exists.  It's a double decker all the way back.  San Francisco is a big city and it gets a lot of tourists.  I guess it makes since to fly these huge jets in and out of this beautiful city.

Actually, right as we got there, I was excited to get off the bus and start taking photos of the place that reminded me of the good old days. The first thing I ended up seeing was something that reminded me of my more recent hell that I experienced down there by that airport. It reminded me of the day I jumped off the parking garage we had just driven by.

If you look closely beneath that parking thing, you'll see something I hate seeing.

There it is.  I can't hardly look at it.  It makes me tremble.  It makes me cry.  I'm so messed up over those stupid things.

I now have that photo out of my site.  It's an old beat up one, but still.  I hate those things so much.  Every now and then, a nurse will have a 29 gage 100 CC loaded up for someone and it just tears me apart.  I can't explain.  It hits me in the heart just seeing it.  It's so hard for me.  It's ridiculous.  Actually, recently they all had a meeting about not having one of those visible in front of me.

Syringes are all over San Francisco, but this was pretty far away from The City!  I guess I walked down there one night. It could have been from someone who was diabetic I guess. I just didn't think they threw their needles on the ground! I never did that. They could have fallen out of my pocket I guess. Hey, maybe it was mine from 6 months ago! No, I know I wasn't that close to the airport.

Being there and seeing that mainly made me believe that this is likely my last chance. God gave me one more chance. God has been so good to me and has given me so many chances. I have to really take advantage of this chance. I was insane to do what I did. It was not God's Will for me to do that.  I believe it was God's Will that I survive.  In some ways, what I did was very unselfish.  It was still very wrong.  I was twisted.  The Voices really turned on me the last time around. I know I never want to use again right now, however, I also know that someday, I may.

It is so important that I remain in recovery. It is so important I never allow the dark force within me to trick me into using again. If I ever do, I will likely commit suicide. I have no idea why I got so suicidal this last time, but I fought suicide for the 2 ½ months that I was using this last time. The dark side was trying to consume my soul. They were willing to trade my soul for the well-being of the souls who love me. I was hurting those souls in the parallel universe that is in many ways connected with our universe - which is reality. 

So many times, that parallel universe found ways to cross over and reach this universe. It was so insane this time around. Many times that the voices told me something was happening, in reality, it was. There was a time when someone was suppose to be on my rooftop trying to kill me. When I went into the hall, the police were walking up my steps. When I asked them why, they said, “Someone was on the rooftop of the building I lived.” Another time, the voices told me that someone was after Susan in Cincinnati. When I called Susan, I suddenly heard her husband in the background saying something about, "something going on outside."  She told me that the police were outside of her home with guns drawn on someone. Those were just a couple of the strange cross over experiences that happened last time.  There were so many more that I cannot deny.

I must never use again. I love this city. I'll be in rehab soon. I will remain with God forever. It was so nice going to that restaurant last Friday. Afterward, on the way back to the hospital which is located on the top of this little mountain, we stopped off at the top of it.  It is Twin Peaks. It has a beautiful view of this beautiful city. Unfortunately, it is one of the areas I tainted with my using. I did that to so many places in San Francisco. Still, it was nice to have new memories created. It was nice being up there with a bunch of other handicap people from this hospital I live.  That I will always remember.

Beautiful downtown San Francisco

It's obviously summer time.  That Golden Gate Bridge is always fogged in in the summer time.  It's makes for some beautiful shots.

 

This is my last chance. This doesn't scare me as much as one would think. I feel so good knowing I have it. I am excited to live. I have plenty of reasons to be sad, but I have so many reasons to be grateful.  I have decided to look into the idea of being baptized. I think that it is important for me. I will always believe that not one religion is the right religion, but I think I have decided that Christianity is right for me. I started to feel that way when I was homeless. I found a Koran. I read some of it. It scared me. It made me realize that I cannot make it in that religion. In fact, I have sinned so much, I have to believe that Jesus Christ died for me. 

I'm not here to preach. I don't want to be some holy roller. I just think I will take that path. Once I am saved, I must stay clean. When I am clean, I am an honest and good person. I may make a few mistakes here and there, but I really am a good person. I love people. I will be here for people. God saved my life. I love God. I'm willing to go life alone. That's not true. I will go it with God.  Like God, I will be here for others.  I will love others.

Oh yeah, I would like to report that I no longer feel like I'm tripping. In fact, I am really starting to feel like the person I really am. I'm so glad I got them to take me off those psych medications. Now, I am going to try get me off of everything! I just looked up the side effects of Kadian and it is seems it is responsible for so many of the ones I have. Kadian is morphine. One would think morphine would not create more pain for me, but it seems it does. My muscles spasm all night long. It is so painful. It is also one of Kadians side effects! As is trouble swallowing, urinating and confusion. I experience all of these. 

I want to enjoy this beautiful life and love it. Tomorrow I will interview with a drug rehab. I'll miss blogging. I'm sure I'll do it on paper. I'll miss Facebook! I hope I'll get it back eventually. This is my last chance at life. I will do whatever it takes. I believe it is important I surrender. I'm willing to do so. I'll likely have some time to post another quick blog before I check in, so....

 

 

 

When the stranger came to town
All the people watched with wonder
In their tattered clothes
Gathered ‘round and raised their eyes up from the dirt

And the stranger said to them
I have been upon the mountain
I have witnessed forces, like cannons
That could ram you to the ground

Stand up on your feet
'Cause your life is short as hell
You could be dead tomorrow
Today may be your

Last chance to believe in yourself
Your last chance to yell
Your last chance to be good to yourself
Your last chance to drink from life's well

In the crowd a voice was heard
Should we get them before they get you
Should we strike the first blow
He said no, no, no, you don't understand

The enemy is in your heart
Self-respect robbed by self-pity
Look across the country
All the people with their dreams dead in their hearts

Stand up your feet
'Cause your life is short as hell
You could be dead tomorrow
Today may be your

Last chance to believe in yourself
Your last chance to yell
Your last chance to be good to yourself
Your last chance to drink from life's well

So drink from the well
Oh yeah

It could be your
Last chance to believe in yourself
Your last chance to yell
Your last chance to be good to yourself
Your last chance to drink from life's well

Drink from the well
Oh yeah
Yeah

Drink from the well