Whatever

(I wrote this blog 7-5)

Well, what could have been a decent day kind of sucks now. I had to go to the Psychiatrist. The office is in my old neighborhood. We have to go with a “buddy” here. My first “buddy” who was assigned to me yesterday had to back out. She had to do laundry.

I didn’t get a new one until 11:30 – the time I needed to leave. We ended up leaving at 11:55. He had to get “spiffed” up. I didn’t rush him, I was just glad someone was willing to go with me. I made it. I thought it would take longer to get to my appointment. We had to walk past my old workplace – The San Francisco Chronicle. The building crosses over Susan and my old street we lived on for 9 years – Minna Street. I also passed many of the streets I used to sleep on while homeless.. It felt strange.

My psychiatrist is a good man. He really gets me, admires me and respects me. I do like him a lot. He agreed to completely take me off my pshych med I take. I take so little. I take 12 mg twice a day. He said most people take 600 mg a day! He’s going to take me off it in 3 weeks.

Upon leaving, my “buddy” got into a verbal fight with the bus driver. The bus driver really was in the wrong – at first. My “buddy” and I, who both have canes started to get on the bus and he started yelling “Get on the back! Get on the back!” He was trying to lower the wheelchair access lift for someone behind us in a wheelchair. We did not see her and we are also entitled to use the front, which kneels for disabled and handicap people. I actually need it. The bus driver even started yelling at me.   I simply said, “If I would have seen her, I would have let her go first.” The truth is, people with canes should be allowed on the bus before the wheelchair since wheelchair people are already sitting.

I still had to board at the back of the bus. It was more difficult. He started yelling at us.  He was pathetic. I simply said, “What’s your drivers number? I don’t need you yelling at me.” My “buddy” was not in the wrong, but as they started yelling back and forth at each other, he started yelling, “Go back to where you came from! I’s in Vietnam!" The driver was Asian.  My "buddy" was also pathetic.  It was embarrassing. 

I could kind of since my “buddy” was like that. It’s sad, cause he really wasn’t in the wrong. He is African American, so one would think he would not be racist.  I almost felt sorry for him, but he was wrong for saying what he said.

Things got a lot worse. We were going to go to General Hospital to get my prescriptions, but my Doctor reminded me how long that takes and it was out of the way. I already had a bunch of prescriptions I had to fill and he called in two more. He called them in to Walgreen’s.  I didn't know I could go there.  The Walgreen’s I requested was on the way home to the program we are in. It is one of the two I always went to when I lived in the neighborhood.

This was going to save us a couple of hours. It was also across the street from the Dollar store where he wanted to go and went anyway. Technically, this is a “deviation”, but I didn’t care. It wasn’t a big deal to me.  It's what he wanted to do.  When we got to Walgreen’s, I learned that they didn’t have morphine in stock but said that the Walgreen’s “across the street”, two blocks down did. You can literally see one from the other.

My “buddy” started telling me that I should have went to that one first. “You should have known they didn’t have it here!” How? I have no idea how I could have known such a thing. He then told me I had to come back some other day. He was very hard on me about my “mistake”.

This medication is the medication that helps my severe back and ankle pain. I had no idea how many I had left at rehab, but I know one of the pill bottles I have access to had only one pill left! I also know we were on a trip to my doctor appointment and to get my prescriptions.  They did have them right across the street and even called them to let them know I'd be coming, figuring of course it would be no big deal.

He refused to go with me. He said I was not thinking about him. Well, if we were on a trip to get his pain medication and the pharmacy we were at were out and said we could go across the street, which was also on our way back, I wouldn’t even consider not going for him – even if I needed to get back!   And, I did need to get back because I had to work. 

However, I felt it made more sense to get my medication as we signed out to do.  It is no easy task to get a "buddy" to go anywhere.  No one here wants to help anyone.    This place has some tough people that I really have trouble understanding.  I really "(didn't) need (his) s*** today"!

I haven't been here long enough to "buddy" people, but I will once I am aloud.  And, as long as people are doing things they left to do, I'll be fine with it.

He was so mean about the whole thing that even the elderly lady sitting next to me said how wrong he was being to me in front of people.  She told me not to let it bother me.  Once she knew we were in rehab she told me that she thought I might use over it.  She thought it might trigger me.  I could see how she felt this way, but I'm not really "there" anymore.  Using is not an option - no matter what happens.  While he was a real jerk, it's nothing I would use over.

The thing is though, if there is one thing about this rehab facility that bothers me, it is the other residents.  That really is the one reason I don't want to be here.

It's never ending.  Those of you who read my blog back during my days in rehab last year probably remember how many problems I had with other people in the program.  Actually, it was only a couple of people that had issues with everyone and everything.  This place is just bigger.  While it has more "bad" people, it's size also makes them more avoidable. 

When I lived with just 20 others in the last program, we crossed paths all the time.  And, I worked with many.  I was even the cook for breakfast and lunch for a couple of months, so the a-holes were able to be a-holes every day about what I cooked.  I was also the "boss" of my assistant and my dishwasher.  That didn't go well many times.  I "nicely" gave instructions to the new people since dishwasher was usually the first job.  I never knew what type of person I'd get.  The tough ones never lasted long, but I had to deal with them. 

Actually, the guy I nicknamed "Self Will"  who use to throw fits and left "because of me" graduated from the program I am in now and teaches the yoga class on Monday mornings. When I learned this, I thought, "Seriously?"  He does seem a lot more mellow than he was.  People do change, especially when they work a recovery program.  I hope I get better!  Not that I'm an a-hole - I hope!

The thing about me is, I’m nice to everyone and I never mess with anyone until someone messes with me. I do not let people mess with me and put up with it. I almost always put up for myself.  Then, I might be an a-hole.  Not really.  I end up apologizing to everyone. Can't we all just get along?

I was picked on quite a bit at that last program. I wasn't used to such a thing - ever.  I was a tweaked out mess who did share a lot about myself in all the groups. This opened me up to a lot of judgment. Back when I was an outpatient program frequently it wasn’t a big deal to open up. We all went home at the end of the day.

I know better than to share everything at this place. I participate a little in groups, but not much. Many know I attempted suicide. That is what it is. This little hot head muscle boy punk who got kicked out ask me one night in the work out room after he got done tearing apart a punching bag and was dripping with sweat, “Why’d you do it?” I explained myself in detail because I sensed that he may be considering doing the same thing – who knows?

I cannot believe I attempted suicide. My life the previous years were so insane and dark sometimes. Recovery is so important to me.

I am in such a ghetto program. I feel bad for many of these people, but so many are such a-holes and so ungrateful, selfish and hard to be around.

I pray I get back to a small bit of normality some day. I want my own place. I want a good job. I want my street artist business to work out either full time or part time. I may try out a real job first and may be a street artist on the weekends. I have faith it will all be okay.

I love my job here. I didn’t mind cooking before at the last place but it really wasn’t me – this is. I work the front desk and the phones. I am essentially the houses operator. I like that a lot. I feel professional. People do tend to respect this position. I like it. I’m doing it now.

I’m so tired. It’s Friday. It’s been such a long day. My back hurts so badly. My eyes are so heavy. At 8:00 PM, off. At 8:00 PM, I’m out.  I'm going to sleep.  I may finish a movie I started on YouTube with my phone. Boy, this day sucked. I’m tired.  I sure didn't need that guys "s*** today".  "(He was) pathetic in (his) own way."  Whatever. 

This song really does speak to how I felt.  In some ways, My reality is that "...I'm doing the best that I can.  I'm doing the best I ever did.  Now, Go Away!"

The thing is, my "buddy" did "go away!"  He refused to go with me to the Walgreens across the street.  It was actually nice to be alone - especially after being with him!

I'm tired.  I'm really glad this day is nearly over.

 

 And I wonder day to day
I don't like you anyway
I don't need your shit today
You're pathetic in your own way

I feel for you
Better fuckin' go away
I will behave
Better fuckin' go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did

I don't need to fantasize
You are my pet all the time
I don't mind if you go blind
You get what you get
Until you're through with mine

I feel for you
Better fuckin' go away
I will behave
You better go away

I feel for you
Better fuckin' go away
I will behave
You better go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Now go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Now go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Now go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
Go away
I'm doin' the best that I can
Go away
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Go away
I'm doin' the best that I can
Go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Now go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Now go away

I'm doin' the best I ever did
I'm doin' the best that I can
I'm doin' the best I ever did
Now go away

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm doin' the best I ever did
Go away
I'm doin' the best that I can

 

Star Spangled Banner

(I wrote this blog between 7/2 and 7/4)

I was just reading about The Bay Bridge LED lighting. I've seen photos in the paper, but I have not seen it in person. This means that I have not photographed it.

I love bridges, especially suspension bridges. I love the Golden Gate Bridge. I think the last time I was really happy was back when I wrote the blog, Top of the World in 2010.  (8/23 - I had to open in to connect it.  I just read a little.  It brings tears to my eyes that those days are over.)  It wasn't too many days later, I relapsed and began losing everything.

I had cleaned up after nearly dying and being in the ICU. Susan got us to the top of the south tower of the Golden Gate Bridge. I really was on Top of the World. I was happy. While I have been grateful since then, I can't say that I've been happy.

My high school sweetheart and soul mate had to divorce me after years of sticking with me through all the insanity. I was homeless for 8 months. I was in a drug rehab for over 4 months and then I couch surfed for a couple of months. I lived in a “piss in the sink”, cockroach infested hotel for 4 months. I then relapsed and attempted suicide by jumping off the top of a parking garage by San Francisco International Airport.

I was in the hospital for 6 months and I am now back in drug rehab.  I've been here a week and someone stole my brand new phone that quit working.  I haven't seen my family in almost 3 years.  The last three years have been very hard.  Very hard.

I have no idea if I'll ever get to be a Street Artist again.  I am passionate about this, but I am a physical mess.  I like to believe I'm not disabled, but I am.  I'm in a lot of pain and my balance is wobbly. 

I just want to take a photo of that LED lit Bay Bridge.  I'm just trying to think about something besides my reality.  It's not horrible, but I'm not really happy.  I am grateful to be alive.  I know there is a God.  I believe I'm here to let that be known in some ways.  Why else?

God does love me.  I was on my way to hell.  God saved my soul.  I do feel pretty certain of this.  Even I can have my doubts, but I seriously know better.  I sometimes feel like I would have liked it if my suicide were successful if I simply no longer existed.  Years ago, I used to say, "I wish I never existed!"  I do exist.  I have to believe it's for a reason. 

I need to try to not be so down.  I do love this beautiful city, it's just so much of it reminds me of Susan and I -  all the good times and the good that was supposed to be.

I  finally got move rooms.  I love my new room.  It's clean and quiet.  I was ready to leave this place a couple of days ago.  I could complain about so many things about this place, but I won't.  I am grateful for it.

I like my job here.  I only do it 9 to 12 hours per week.  I have already been recognized as the person who will gladly sit in so someone can take a break or eat or if they are sick. 

The last program I was in, I worked my butt off!  This one is pretty laid back.  I love the groups.  I like many of the counselors.  Some of the residents are real a-holes.  I don't even talk to some.  They are a-holes.  Actually, believe it or not, I don't really talk at all here - unless asked to participate in a group.  I don't know what it is about this place that it has so many a-holes.

For instance, tonight I was on the 1st floor waiting for the elevator.  Some young guy next to me ask, "What floor you going to?"  I said, "The second."  He said, "Why do you have to take the elevator to the second floor?"  I held up my cane and said, "You are only supposed to take the elevator if you are disabled."  He asked, "Why you got that?"  Just then, I staff member walked up to him and told him not to take the elevator.  I'm sure he didn't want me stopping on 2 because that's where the offices are.  I never took these elevators when I was here and was not disabled.  The steps are so much faster and healthier.  People here are lazy a--holes.

Yesterday, I walked up the stairs and fell when I reached the top one.  I just wanted to see if I could.  Well....  The elevator is slow enough without EVERYONE riding it.  I hate that I struggle on the stairs.  It is also like my old climbing days - going down is a lot more treacherous than going up.  I am grateful that I am alive, but I think I will always be a little handicap.  That sucks.  Being an insane handicap drug addict who has lost everything sucks.

Where was I?  Who knows.  Where was I going?  I now know - nowhere.  I guess I will be on some type of restriction the whole time I am here.  It becomes a "buddy system" which I already participated in.  The only difference after 2 weeks is I can be the "head buddy".  I can take people where THEY need to go.  I still need people to go with me where "I" need to go.  I need to go to the hospital A LOT, to the library and to practice my trades - writing and photography.  Speaking of photography, I just got in "trouble" for taking photos on my phone - by the director of the program.

I've never photographed a person - except myself yesterday.  He saw me taking photos of myself with my phone with Cincinnati Reds outfit on.  He was outside my window.  My room overlooks the outside "smoking" area.  I took it because the Reds just pitched a no hitter against The Giants and I thought it would be nice to post it on Facebook.  I was proud to be a Reds fan in San Francisco.  I was threatened by a huge ex-con for wearing my outfit.  This place is full of ex-cons.  He was joking.  I think.  I hope.

Today, he saw me taking a photo of a poster on the wall.  It said "Recovery is Beautiful".  I thought it would be great to post on Facebook.  I was trying to be transparent to the Universe.  The director saw me taking it and took me to my counselors office.  He said I was not allowed to take photos.  He ask her if she knew I had a phone and if I filled out the agreement.  "Yes" and "Yes".  He asked why I was taking photos if the agreement says I cannot?  She said, "It doesn't say that."  I told him I was a photographer and I couldn't help myself.  He said that it was not allowed and that it was "a little weird" that I as taking photos of myself.  Actually, it's even more "a little weird" that he was looking in my window.  I, of course, did not say this.

Today is the 4th of July.  Tears just filled my eyes.  I don't even know why.  It's not like I ever made a big deal of this holiday.  I guess it's just the daily situation I'm in.  I wish I were a "normal" person.

The only thing I had been doing to feel good was taking photos and I writing.  I now know it will be a while before I get to publish my writing.  I do get "something" out of doing this - publishing that is.  I guess it's the response and my monitoring the readership that I get.  I know I'm here for recovery, but I just can't sit still.

In fact, right now, I'm "working".  Since I am disabled, I work the front desk.  I hate admitting that I'm disabled.  Anyway, I'm watching a detox client yell and complain at a staff member about needing a towel.  I don't get it.  I am so grateful to be here.  When I was told not to take photos, I did not argue one bit - I just wrote about it.  Sure, I'll miss it, but rules are rules.  I put myself here.  While it is a hard truth, I am grateful to be here.  I have a roof over my head and I get three meals a day and even some recovery from my addiction - I hope. 

Now someone is screaming  out the door.  The director just intervened.  The director asked, "Did you call him the N word?"  The client said, "He told me to suck his d--- like 20 times yesterday!" 

This place is so....  I don't know.  All of us are here for "free".  I mean we have all paid a heavy price in many ways, however, we haven't "earned" this help in the traditional way.  I don't have insurance or pay anything.  Some of us have MediCal or Social Security, but still - we don't "work" for it.  As difficult as this place is in many ways, it is hard to get into.  There is a waiting list.  I spent 6 months in the hospital and am viewed to be "mentally challenged" for obvious reasons.

I could go on and on and on - babble and babble and babble.  I like my job at the front desk answering phones, being the "operator" and paging people on the intercom.  It's good experience. 

I am on my way to a good life.  I'll never be "normal", but that's okay.  Back before I lost Susan, I use to say, "I wouldn't change a thing."  Hindsight makes me realize - I would.  I wish I could even change my behavior after losing her.  I wouldn't mind deleting that suicide attempt.  It sure would get a lot of metal out of my body - and improve other things.  My internal damage creates lots of issues for me these days.  I'm also not a big fan of limping with a cane.  That internal damage is even worse though.  I leave it at that.  I have a lot of issues.

I'll be okay.  Things are rough, but at least I'm not homeless.  That's what I don't get about these people raising hell.  Most have probably never been homeless.  While many have problems that grant them financial aid, they do not appreciate what they have.  This country and especially THIS CITY takes care of people like us.  I guess I should be grateful I am "disabled".  If the assistance comes that my social worker tells me is coming, I will be comfortable.  Probably in pain still, but comfortable in other ways.  Heck, I am grateful for the assistance I have already gotten and am getting.  General and Laguna Honda Hospitals were wonderful places to "live".  They saved my life in so many ways - General actual did "save my life!" 

The truth is, if I wouldn't have relapsed over and over and over, I wouldn't have kept losing things.  I do need to stop.  I promise everyone, the next thing to go will be my life.  I have to know that.  Even yesterday, I was craving using a little.  That's insane.  I CAN'T!  I always pick up where I left off.  I left suicidal.  I left off at the gates of hell.  I just now said, "Jesus" out loud.  I just can't help my emotions about this.  It's even a bigger deal than I am making of it.  When I was tweaking, I was at the gates of hell.  It was so terrifying.  My goodness, I just flashed back to it and wow.  (I just typed it and flashed to it.  It was so horrible.  Apparently, I am scarred for life by that.)  Words will never explain the darkness.  They just can't.  Please believe me.  You never want to even get near it.  I promise you that.

Which makes me realize - it's beautiful outside.  I am so grateful to be alive.  I may not be "happy", but I am grateful!  I may even be happy - someday.  Just feeling that possibility may even be a tiny bit of happiness.

I HOPE.  I pray every day.  I need to pray more.  I need to keep that God connection.  I will likely be alone the rest of my life.  This is a hard fact for me to swallow.  God will always be with me.  He will always be with everyone.  We must stick with God. 

(8/23 - Since I never named that blog and it was the 4th of July, I thought Jimmy Hendrix's Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock might be appropriate.  And, I am living where the Summer of Love that took place that same year.)

 

 

Saint of Circumstances (again!)

(8/18/13) 
(Oops!   I wrote a blog with this title back in March.  Hey, my traumatic brain damage creates memory issues!  It does.  I just like this song.  I wasn't even really going to write a jumping around dates blog, but I had to post my "own strength" proposal on a day when I am free and on my "OWN STRENGTH!"  I'm even using MY LAPTOP.  LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!  I guess it could have waited.  It would have still had the same name I guess.  I'm not as confused as I use to be.  Or, am I?  Either way, after I was done writing this, I thought, "did I use this song already?"  Memory!)

 

(8/17/13)
I am sorry this blog keeps jumping around from date to date. I guess that's what happens when I am in rehab and I don't have access to a computer AND I am on restriction. Not any more!  Actually, I didn't jump around last time, when I was in rehab last year. I just posted what I wrote a month or so before until I finally got caught up.  This time I just keep adding a little bit each one. It seems strangely appropriate sometimes. In this case, I am simply putting my proposal I wrote the other day to get on my "own strength". I am just very happy is all.  I am free.  I am going to get my guitar today.  It is a beautiful day.

(8/16/13)
I finally got on my "own strength" today. This means that I am allowed to go places by myself. I am so grateful for this. I was here for 53 days before I got this granted.  Yesterday, I had 7 months clean. Being clean and alive is a beautiful thing. Below is my own strength proposal I had to write:

(8/8/13)

Own Strength Proposal
I arrived at Wally World (programs nickname) on June 24th, 2013. As of August 8th, I have been in the program for 45 days.

While the buddy system has helped me get to important appointments, I have missed out on a few things that I like and in some cases, need.  I love the (recovery meeting) program (sorry, but I have to protect the programs confidentiality). I have not met too many clients who do (my type of recovery meeting.) I would love to get to at least two (recovery meetings) per week. I'd be glad to take buddies, but I'll definitely go solo. Saturday is my home group. Wednesday is the Wharf Rats. Before I relapsed, I was the Secretary of this (recovery) meeting that consist of Deadheads and concert goers who support each other at musical events.

I am also a musician. I am in a band. One of my band members owns the Alano club at 1748 Market Street.  In the past, we got together after the Wednesday night Wharf Rat meeting and played music. We did this until I relapsed in November 2012. We resumed at the beginning of this summer while I was at Laguna Honda Hospital. I miss playing the guitar and singing.

I also need to attend another type of meeting. My number one addiction is to IV crystal meth.  My secondary addiction is sex and love. I used to attend at least one of these types of 12 step meetings per week.  In the past, when I have attended (these type of meetings), I have done very good.

The other thing I have been absent from since getting here is my church. I attend City Church. They have two locations. I prefer the service on Sutter. I am very grateful for that church. The first person I remember waking up to in the hospital after my suicide attempt is my Pastor.  I told him I wanted to be baptized. He said I would have to do classes before I did. I will get more information about these classes.

The other thing I have not been able to do and look forward to doing is volunteering at Laguna Honda Hospital. I am the photographer for the hospitals newspaper, The Voice.  I look forward to helping out the place that helped me learn how to walk again. They also helped me in many other physical ways.

I may also utilize some of my free time to go out and take photos. I also write a blog. I would like to spend Sunday afternoon at the library writing by blog. I could also go to my friends house who has my laptop and my camera to write. I have been writing a blog for 7 years. I have been writing it on paper since I have been here. I have managed to transcribe two of them with my phone and publish them. I have written many more and look forward to publishing them. I'm sure my over 200 readers also look forward to them. They all tell me I inspire them. They definitely inspire me.

I am very grateful to be here. I also look forward to being able to participate in these helpful groups and events. On the 15th of this month, I'll have 7 months clean.

 

(8/18/13)

I went to City Church this morning.  I saw my Pastor.  He came up and hugged me.  He is a very good man.  I asked him about getting baptized and he said we would have lunch.  I'm free!  Wow.  I am so grateful.  It feels so good.  Yesterday, I went, BY MYSELF, and picked up my guitar.  I played it last night.  The Good Old Boy across the hall, who is a great musician, came over and played and showed me some new things.

 

As you will read in future blogs, Wally World is a very hard place for me to be.  So often, I wanted out.  Not to spoil what happens, but I am actually settling in.  Even before I got my freedom, I started feeling okay there.  I still look forward to getting out of there, but, it's okay.  I have always been grateful, even when I wanted out.  Now, I want what I wanted when I decided to go there - to make a difference there.  To help the place.  It was tough to turn the corner from wanting out to wanting to help, but, I have - for now.

 

I always thought that I could somehow help the people there.  Especially those in detox.  Two people in detox have gotten in my face and threatened to "kick my (butt)".  That's not how I imagined it! 

 

I have lived in this City for a long time.  Every time I get on the bus, I know someone.  Today, it was a guy who has been in and out of detox.  Lets call him Pequeño Individuo.  I saw him on the bus just the other day.  That happened yesterday.  I saw someone I met at another clients church.  Let's call him The Giggler. - the other client.  I've seen him on the bus (the guy who goes to The Gigglers church) three times now.  I'm on the bus a lot.  I have doctor appointments every other day (that's a bit of an exaggeration, but....) 

So Pequeño Individuo got off at the same stop as me.  He was going to Goodwill.  He asked where I was going.  I told him and invited him to City Church.  I told him they had good coffee and donuts!  SOLD! 

It's an incredibly beautiful day in this city.  70 and sunny!  My old neighborhood, SOMA was always 70 and sunny.  The Haight does get a bit more fog than SOMA.  I'm going back to SOMA someday!  I'm on my way.  I think I "...crossed the line."

I knew this day was coming.  I still get sad, but that light at the end of the tunnel just got brighter.  I have a lot of hope.  I'm a hard worker who is educated and gets along with people.  I don't know what my future holds, but I have faith it is going to be okay.  I just do. 

"I sure don't know what I'm going for, but I'm going to go for it for sure."  I love that song, Saint of Circumstance.  I love The Grateful Dead.  I'm in their hometown!  Actually, I'm in their home neighborhood now!  I'm about 3 blocks from 710 Ashbury - the famous Grateful Dead House!  I have a photo on my detachable hard drive!  I'll have it all again someday.  I am on my way.  It feels good.  It will feel better when I actually HAVE IT!

My life is bitter sweet.  I am alive.  So are you.  Please, take it from someone who has lost everything and tried to kill himself, LIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL.  I mean that.  Please, love someone today.  Thank your Higher Power, who ever that may be.  Whoever that is for you, I truly believe that is who it is for ALL OF US. 

Oh, wait, you know how I said I wanted to get baptized.  I still do.  It feels right now.  I'll never forget when I was homeless.  I found a Koran.  It scared me.  I thought, "I hope someone died for my sins, because I can't repay all these wrong doings!"  That's at least what I got out of the Koran.  I kind of got that out of the Bible back then too, but I was a confused mess.  It's probably what I needed to get out of them back then - fear.

God forgives.  Apparently his son died for our sins.  When I was young and in church I remember people getting baptized in our church all the time.  I figured I would someday, but that someday just never came.  When I was in that Christian program that introduced me to City Church, people got baptized all the time.  I felt good for them, but I just didn't feel ready. 

It is important that I never use again once I am saved.  It may even help me never use again.  As long as I never use again, I will be a good person.  I will "...cross the line."  About 8 or 9 months ago, I was dealing with someone that no one should ever deal with - the devil.  Upon my death I was on a one way trip to hell.  The devil told me it would be "never ending". 

I prefer eternity!  Who wouldn't?  Trust me, if God is willing to give someone like me yet another chance to get things right, he'll give everyone!  So you made a few mistakes, God forgives.  I suggest you look to God and ask for it is all.  I said I'd never preach.  People use to tell me I should be a preacher when I was young.  That's a trip.  I don't like to preach, I just can't deny my amazing reality and I like to Babble.  Have a beautiful day!

 

This must be heaven --
Tonight I crossed the line.
You must be the angel
I thought I'd never find.
Was it you I heard singin'
While I was chasin' dreams?
Driven by the wind,
Like the dust that blows around
And the rain fallin' down...

Well I never know,
Sure don't know,
Never know,
Never know,
Sure don't know.

This must be heaven --
This is where the rainbow ends.
At last it's the real thing...
At least I can pretend.
When that wind blows,
And the darkness starts to fall,
I can hear the sirens call.
It's a certain sort of sound
In the rain fallin' down,
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...

[Bridge:] Holes in what's left of my reason,
Holes in the knees of my blues,
Odds against me been increasin'
But I'll pull through.

Never could read no road map
And I don't know what the weather might do,
But hear that witch wind whinin'
0 See that Dog Star's shinin',
I've got a feelin' there's no time to lose,
No time to lose!

Maybe goin' on a feelin' maybe goin' on a dream
Maybe goin' on a feelin'

0 Well I never know,
Sure don't know,
Never know,
Never know,
Sure don't know.

Well it's been heaven
But even rainbows end.
Now my sails are fillin'
And the wind's so willin'
That I'm good as gone again.

I'm still walkin', so I'm sure that I can dance
Just a saint of circumstance,
Like a tiger in a trance,
In the rain fallin down

Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...
Rain fallin down...

Well I never know just don't know just don't know

Well, I sure don't know
What I'm goin' for
But I'm gonna go for it,
That's for sure.

Maybe goin' on a feelin'
Maybe goin' on a dream
Maybe goin' on a feelin'

 

 

Free

( I wrote most of this blog on July 1st, 2013)

Well, it is a new month. I'm sitting at the Social Security office. I'm waiting for one of my fellow clients. I am going to get a Social Security card while I am here.

Actually, I was supposed to get a P.O. Box today. However, that's not happening. My "buddies" needed to come to the Social Security office. 

We were going to come here first, then go get my P.O. Box. However, they needed to go to a different Social Security office than the one I thought they were going to. I thought they were going to the one that I used to live right next door to. However, they needed to go to the one in The Mission.  Since my intentions are to live back in that old neighborhood of mine, I want to get a P.O. Box in that same neighborhood.

While I was there, I figured I'd go ahead and get a Social Security card. I also learned that I have an appointment scheduled for the Social Security office. I did not know that. Actually, they didn't have an exact date scheduled, so they scheduled it for July 12th.

Instead of going to the post office, we are going to MetroPCS, since my 3 week old phone that quit working was stolen last night.  I am NOT a big fan, but I have to. I really don't like HUAWEI, but I need a phone.

Also, I need out of this program. I like most of the counselors and I like the groups. I really struggle with some of the other clients.

Addicts are selfish and self centered people.  We are supposed to be here to change. I have always cared about people, but I had a good family.  They had addiction issues of their own, but they loved me. That matters so much.

I'm on the right path. Someday, before long I'll be Free!  I am where I need to be. However, I long for that day when I am Free!

(Later that day.)
Well, I went to MetroPCS. It turns out that the $29 phone I almost bought yesterday, is no longer available. That was last month's deal. It is now July 1st.  I had to pay $123 for a phone. This is so frustrating. I told them I was going to buy that phone yesterday, and they suggested I wait until they see when they got phones in (I now know that they got that phone in on July 18th, 3 weeks later.).  In the process of trying to recharge that phone that did not work, I left it up in my room while I attended dinner and our evening meeting and it was stolen.  I never left my phone unattended. However, since they did not have a replacement for me yesterday and I had a phone that didn't work and I very much need all the information on that phone, I thought maybe it would charge since the little red light blinked after I plugged it in. I wrote about this is my last blog. I'm going to write a letter to MetroPCS.  This is really so frustrating.

(August 11, 2013)
Below is the letter I wrote to MetroPCS.  I am going to mail it tomorrow. Actually got help from Susan.  She edited my letter, got it printed and mailed it to me. This is something I could not do by myself here.  Here is how it reads:

********************************************

To Whom It May Concern 

On June 12, 2013, I purchased a Huawei metropcs phone.  I have been a Metro PCS client off and on for many years.

I have been in a long-term rehabilitation hospital since January, recovering from a traumatic accident.  I got a new smart phone just after being admitted to the hospital.  Having my smart phone was a great way to stay connected to my family and so I could continue to write my blog that I have been writing for seven years.  

The phone was very useful and very helpful for 3 weeks.  During the second week it started having problems.  I called the technical help line at least three times that week.  Each time, they had to reset it. I was asked to turn it off and back on every time.  It completely quit working after 3 weeks.

I had purchased this phone at the MetroPCS on Van Ness Avenue.  I had learned that this was a corporate location. This location took the last phone back that I purchased from another location in December.  That phone was having problems.  I was confident that they would easily return the phone I had purchased just 3 weeks before.

I returned it. I was told that they may not be able to get me another phone for a month.  This was unacceptable.  I had only purchased it three weeks before.  I had many doctors’ appointments scheduled and I also use my phone to help me keep track of my schedule.

While at the Van Ness store, I was told to call the manufacturer.  They told me it would take 2 weeks. Again this was not okay for my situation.

I saw that smart phones were on sale for $29.  I said that I was considering buying one of them.  The store worker, Jeff, then told me that they had made an order for Huawei phones on Friday and they may get them on Tuesday.  It was Sunday and he told me to call him on Monday at 1 o'clock.   This sounded good to me.  After all, I had brought a phone in that was not properly working a month before and they replaced it after just five days.  I had a lot of confidence in this store.

I took the phone back to the rehabilitation hospital where I was still living. I plugged into the charger and the red light started blinking. This gave me hope, so I left it charging. This was something I had never done, for fear that it might be stolen.  I left it charging in my room for a couple of hours hoping that somehow it may start working again. After all I had a lot of important information on it that I need to retrieve.

When I returned, it had been stolen.  I went back to a MetroPCS to get the $29 phone and they said the deal was over. It was now July. I had to pay $123.

I can barely afford this but it is very necessary for me to have a phone. I have been a loyal MetroPCS customer. I do believe they are the best mobile phone company.

However, I feel like it was wrong that I was told it would take a month to get a new phone in for me. I know that you are not responsible for the phone being stolen, however, I believe that had they been able to help me the day when I took the broken phone in, it would never been stolen.  I was about to buy one of the phones for $29, but was told to hold off by Jeff who was working that day. He was being nice by attempting to search for a phone that would come in the next day, but he neglected to tell me when the $29 sale would end.

I would like to add that I received a call on July 18th stating that they received my phone. While I do appreciate them calling to let me know this, it still took nearly 3 weeks. It took 20 days for them to finally get that phone in. I really could not have gone this long without a phone. I don't see how anyone could. They should at least give a loner to someone who purchased a phone just three weeks before.

Again, I have been a loyal customer for many years. I just hope that maybe you might be able to help me out in some way financially. I am in a very difficult situation in life right now.

Sincerely,

David Beaty

**********************************************

It was nice to see my best friend from when I was young.  He and his wife visited San Francisco for 3 days to see Phish. They weren't here to see me, but of course we got together.  :-)   It was as if we had never missed a beat.

I was so inspired seeing him and his wife. Like I said, I cannot wait to be Free! I am on my way.

Appropriately enough, this music video was filmed live in San Francisco last year.

 

I'm floating in the Blympalot
I feel the feeling I forgot
Swimming weightless in the womb
Bouncing gently round the room
In a minute I'll be free
And we'll be splashing in the sea

I feel no curiosity
I see the path ahead of me
In a minute I'll be free
And we'll be splashing in the sea
We hear a tiny cry
As the ship goes sliding by

Free!
Free!

Free!

I'm floating in the blympalot
I feel the feeling I forgot
I'm floating in the blimp a lot
I feel free!
Free!
Free!
Free!
Free!

Been Caught Stealing

I wrote this blog on 6/30.
 

Wow, all I seem to have right now is writing. I have no phone. Three weeks ago, I bought a HUAWEI Premia 4G LTE phone from MetroPCS on Van Ness and Ellis Streets.

This week, I had a few problems. I could not get online. Then, I could not hear sound. Both of these problems were fixed by calling 611 and allowing them to reset it. Now, it does not work AT ALL!

I went to MetroPCS on Van Ness and Ellis and they told me they had none in stock and it may take a month to get a new one. (They ended up calling me on July 18th to let me know it had come in. Basically, it took 3 weeks to get in.)

Meanwhile, I've already prepaid for the past two days and who knows how many future ones of no phone use. I then called HAUWEI Corporate. They told me I had to mail it to them. They told me they would fix it, mail it back and that it would take a couple of weeks.

I so badly need a phone. I think my old one is in my storage, but I am on "restriction." I can't even go look for it. It is practically new, but I can't remember where I put it. Again, I think it is in storage. I so badly need my phone. I left so many messages with Social Security, MediCal, Health Advocates and The Community Living Fund. I have doctor appointments next week that are scheduled on that phone. I think I remember everything, but my brain is not good. 

Remember in my last blog how I said evil gets into my electronics? It never gives up on me.

I get back to rehab and they tell me they had a new two person room for me. I go into it. It is filthy and there is a guy sleeping on the bottom with no sheets or blankets. I ask if it was his room and told him I was asked to be in this room. I told him I was assigned to be in the room but needed a bottom bunk. He said, "I get the bottom bunk." I said, " I wouldn't mind, but I have a broken back and leg and have to get up many times throughout the night." He said, "I guess you need another room." I'd rather be in the room with jack off psychopath. He may be crazy, but he's nice.

(Later that day.)
 

Shit! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.... Whatever.... I am. I am full of so much anxiety and depression. I need a phone. I'm lonely. I wish I could talk to my family. I do have God. I feel a little distant.

I do hate myself a lot lately. I have wished I never existed at times. Unfortunately, death spelled darkness. Which reminds me that I do need to be grateful for life - for it will eventually lead to light, as long as I stay clean. This is simply a test.

The dark side will never give up on me. It's important that I never give up on God. Since I am so detached right now, I need to do some art for my family. How about I make a card with this beautiful view I currently have in the distance right now. Thank you God. I did. It was beautiful.

(Apparently, that is the card I made of the Golden Gate Bridge. Apparently the first card I made that I wrote about in the last blog, was the one of flowers that I sent to Susan. I mailed the Golden Gate Bridge card to Marilynn.)

(End of the day.)
 

So now the day is almost over. Earlier, I went up stairs, plugged my phone in and the little red light blinked. Since I need that phone and have so much on that phone that I need, I left it plugged in on my desk, hoping it may charge. This is something I never do. Well, after the dinner and the evening meeting, I went to see if by chance it may be working. It's gone! Stolen!

I told the worker in the office and he said I shouldn't have left it out. I know that, but I actually thought it might recharge since the little red light blinked a couple times when I plug it back in. I also thought I should at least report it stolen. I cannot do this place!

45 days and I'm out of here! It has to be that way. I do nothing wrong and I just can't take it anymore. I'm done with his place.

I wrote this part of the blog on 8/4.
 

You know I have to remember the first time I ever stole anything. It was a candy bar at Super X in Loveland when I was 12 years old. I was with my best friend. We got caught and were taken to the police station. They called our parents.

 
I learned my lesson. I said I would never steal again. I meant it. I didn't for many, many years.

Many, many years later, I started stealing money out of Susan's purse. I would never have done something like this in the past. I used to never even use crystal meth in our apartment. I always use to say, " I don't s*** where I eat."
 
I still never stole. I did whatever, anything and everything, I had to do to get my drugs. However, one night, I got pistol whipped in the middle of the night.

The year was 2006. It was only 3 months after my dad died as a result of his alcoholism. Susan kicked me out of the house for the first time ever. Since my dad died away from home, in some ways, she had started to want me to use at home, however, she wanted me to be clean more. She told me to come back when I was clean. I came back about an hour later with a huge gash over my eye. It was gushing with blood. I was selling marijuana at 4:00AM in the wrong neighborhood - my neighborhood.

There were three of them. One of them sucker punched me. I was so wasted. I ran, but, he ran faster. He caught me. He pulled out a gun and said, "Don't make me pop you!". I said "f*** you!" I got pistol whipped. Living was not at the top of my priority list back then.

I refused to go to the hospital that night. Susan begged me to. I finally went the next day. Due to the amount of time that has passed, they were not able to stitch it up. I still have a scar over my left eye.

That cleaned me up for 4 months. I started doing something after that incident. I started writing something called Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog. I was starting to realize that The Universe communicated with me because like very few others on this earth, I had checked out of day to day living. I also wanted to set straight the crazy rumors that were flying around at the time. Some of them were crazier than true and others we're truer than crazy. Only I knew My Truth. I wasn't sure just how much I would reveal about my insane Truth. Once I began writing, I knew that if I were to be believed about all of the amazing things that had been revealed to me, it would be necessary for me to reveal my deepest, darkest and dirtiest secrets. I must tell The Truth. I still have a couple secrets that may need to be revealed.

Many months later, I would relapse. Susan did not want me using out on the street again. She also didn't want me doing the ridiculous and messed up things I used to do to get the drugs. She started giving me money. She wanted me to use in the back room. I got way to use to this. I started taking money out of her purse. In the beginning it wasn't such a big deal. 

After a while, I was basically stealing.

Essentially, it was this that caused our divorce and that got me kicked out of the house making me homeless. While on the street this time, I usually panhandled to get my drugs. Being a crystal meth addict that was coming down, sometimes I craved sugar so badly.

I went back to my old ways. I went back and did something I said I would never do again for so many years. I started stealing again. I didn't steal much. I simply stole candy bars once again. I only did this probably 3 or 4 times. The last time, I got caught stealing two Hershey bars. I was once again at a drugstore - Walgreen's this time.

I did know how wrong it was when I did it. I didn't even want to do it. I felt really bad. I was just so desperate for my sugar fix. Many tweakers also become addicted to sugar. To this day, I intend to pay those stores back the few dollars that I took from them. One day, when I do start making a little bit of money, that will be one of the amends I will make. The other amends I hope to make is to Susan. She swears I owe her nothing, but I'll still pay her. The only other such amend I will have to make, is to MUNI. I used to hop on the back of the bus now and then when I was homeless out here. I probably owe them about $40.

They took back the Hershey bars and kicked me out, but didn't bother calling the police. Stealing is just way too common in this big city. It was two or three candy bars. They didn't waste their time. Still, I never stole again.

Stealing is wrong. We come to this place to change who we are. I don't know why some people don't get that yet. We are where we are. I guess karma is just a "female dog".

Coincidentally enough, that good friend of mine who I first stole with back in Loveland, Ohio when I was 12 years old is coming here at 1 o'clock today. I have not seen this guy for 5 or 6 years. He now lives in Colorado. I'm very much looking forward to seeing my old friend and his very sweet wife.

(Later that day.)
 

I just got to spend the afternoon with my best friend from my Loveland days and his wife. He is one of my rare friends who actually met my mother. His family was really there for me after she died.

They are in town to see Phish. He is a big Phish head. He reminded me of the first Phish show he ever went to. He said that I took him. It was in Louisville, KY.

Since they live in Colorado, I have not seen them for probably 6 years. It was wonderful to see them. Its funny, when I ask them how they like San Francisco, his wife said, "It's dirty". I guess I have just been here for so long, I am used to it. It is a big city. I still find it beautiful. Tony's continued comment about San Francisco over the weekend was, "It's too crowded!" That, I do notice, and that, I do love.

I didn't get to spend as much time with them as I would have if I were not in this program. Actually, if I were not in this program, I would be seeing Phish with them.

I am grateful I got to see them as much as I did. I am on my way back to a normal way of living. I look forward to the day when I am free.

"Been Caught Stealing"

I've been caught stealing;
once when I was 5...
I enjoy stealing.
It's just as simple as that.
Well, it's just a simple fact.
When I want something,
I don't want to pay for it.

I walk right through the door.
Walk right through the door.
Hey all right! If I get by, it's mine.
Mine all mine!

My girl, she's one too.
She'll go and get her a skirt.
Stick it under her shirt.
She grabbed a razor for me.
And she did it just like that.
When she wants something,
She don't want to pay for it.

She walk right through the door.
Walk right through the door.
Hey all right! If I get by, it's mine.
Mine all mine!

We sat around the pile.
We sat and laughed.
We sat and laughed and
Waved it into the air!
And we did it just like that.
When we want something,
We don't want to pay for it.

We walk right through the door.
Walk right through the door.
Hey, all right! If I get by, it's mine,
Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine...

Whadda You Want From Me?

(I wrote this somewhere around June 29.  Apparently it was in the morning because later say, "(after lunch)".  Please excuse the typos.  I only have one hour at the library to get this thing posted.  It doesn't seem as if the spell check option is working properly either.)

Luke 21:34-35

King James Version (KJV)

³⁴ And take heed to yourselves, lest at any time your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting, and drunkenness, and cares of this life, and so that day come upon you unawares.
³⁵ For as a snare shall it come on all them that dwell on the face of the whole earth.

One of the many preachers/pastors who go to the hospital I was in - okay, let's name it - Laguna Honda, gave me these scriptures to read.  I like those verses a lot.  The angel of darkness manages to place its snares all along my lifes long path.

Some of you probably remember how I got excited from the last drug rehab I was in.  It started with me having sex with a scrawny little tweaker chick in the ally I use to live when I was homeless - the day Susan moved back to Cincinnati! (I knew that the angel of darkness was going to throw a snare out for me that day.  It was Biblical.)  It ended with my being called into the office of the rehab I was in with the director actually reading my blog to me.  He must have believed I was a loose cannon or something.

No matter how it happened, I can see "its" plan.  I believe darkness constantly plants snares for me to get caught up in down its dark path.  That "little" mistake nearly sent me to hell!  It would have been "never ending".   It may have been the devil himself that gave me that term not too long ago.  I was told that Heaven is "Eternal" and hell is "never ending."  Again, I'm not sure if it was the devil who said that.  It may have been before we "spoke."

(after lunch)
Oh my goodness, I do need to write. I am very grateful to be here. One thing I have to say, however, is that this place sure could use a lot of proctologists.  There are so many assholes here that need help.  I'll admit, I wrecked my rear end with my suicide attempt, but I'm not an asshole.  The people here can be so rude.

I am feeling very grateful for my treatment here. I am a good person. I asked to receive vegetarian meals. Oh my goodness, this lady who cooks, goes all out on my meals.  Its display is beautiful and they taste delicious.  I'm sure they are fatty, but they are delicious. The other meat meals are okay, but she really puts a little something extra into preparing my meals. Plus, all the meat meals are likely put together by just "anyone", not her.

The guy across from me asked, "How'd you get that special omelet, did you ask or something?"  The truth was I asked not to have a meal prepared for Saturday brunch. I was happy with cereal and blueberries.  That's all I have for breakfast is cereal. She must not have heard. She brought me one anyway. It looked gourmet. I told the guy who asked me about my meal, "No, I'm a vegetarian."  I went on to say, "I'm amazed at the amount of time and effort she puts into my meals. I was just thinking that...."  At this exact moment, he threw his hand up in the air basically telling me to stop talking.  If you don't someone talking to you, don't ask them a question!  I am a quiet person, but when talked to, I do talk a lot.  I am very thorough and kind in my answers.

On the way out, when I put my plate in the dish pan, a woman said, "You splashed me!"  I wasn't sure she was talking to me and then she looked at me and said, "Did you hear me?  You splashed me!"  The woman is an asshole to everyone around here.  I apologized for something I know barley occured.  She always cuts in front of people.

Then there is the elevator situation.  When I was in detox four times before, one and a half years ago, I never used it - because I was not allowed.  Simple as that.  I also liked the exercise.  People who are handicap or have a distabilty  are the only ones allowed to use it.  EVERYONE breaks this rule!  
I really do wish I could take the stairs.  It's so much faster and healthier and less of a hastle - I'm learning.  I may start going up them.  (I did not long after this by the way and fell.  I still do use them sometimes, I just go slower and hold the rail tightly!)  Going down them is just too risky.    My balance is way too unstable still. It makes for a slow commute to everywhere for me.  Even when I use the stairs, it's slow.

They say the elevator breaks down all the time.  It is only allowed 3 people I'm told.  That would make sense for handicap and disabled.  While there are quite a few of us here, it rarely has 3 of us at one time.  Except one morning the "You splashed me" lady (who is handicap) and two other ladies were in the elevator.    They road it up from the third floor.  I'm on the fourth floor which is the top floor.  We were all heading down to breakfast.  When the door opened, I stood there waiting with my cane and the "You splashed me lady" said, "There's three of us.  You can't get in."  It is a lot bigger.  (Actually, I have read the license and it says it can hold 16 people and up to 2500 lbs.) I didn't argue or even say a word.  It is a new rule to me, but it is a rule.  (Now, 7/21 - Since then, I have had a few people who are perfectly healthy try to deny me access.  I have told them that I am the type of person who is permitted and they are not - in a nice way.  Some do argue....  It never ends here.)

When I am clean, I do not break rules.  I am honest.  I am not perfect.  I get very upset with rule-breakers sometimes.  I don't get it.  People are so lazy.  I walk a lot I guess - even with my cane.  I love to hike.  I use to love to run.  I ran 5 miles per day.  I've lost a lot.

I am sitting in a beautiful room.  Well, the view is beautiful anyway.  It is a "Beuna Vista!"  Actually, this facility is right next door to Beuna Vista Park.  Beuan Vista in spanish is Good View.  I can see the Golden Gate Bridge and a brand new Ferrari just passed by.  

 

See?

It's a long way off and it was a bit hazy that day, but the Golden Gate Bridge is out there in front of that big hill in the distance.  If you look closely, you can see it's international orange tower.

The north tower is fairly visible near the center of this one.  I learned how to zoom and took it from the fire escape.  Four stories is a long way down!  What the heck was my crazy head thinking jumping off of a fifth foor?  I knew God had something to do with it when I saw that distance down once again.  I do remember being sure I would die.

Actually, the south tower is popping up right in the middle of this one.  Again, it was hazy - well, about to be foggy really.  The north tower is in front of that distant hill also.

 

(Later that day)
Now, all I can do is write.  This day kind of sucks.  My brand new phone just quit working.  It's dead.  Nothing.  I called the 1-800 number and they asked if I had insurance.  No.  It's a brand new phone and I've never dropped it.  I got it at Metro PCS by the way.  It's a HUAWEI.  

It has a lot of information on it I really need!  Peoples numbers, important dates on the calendar - lots of important things.  My brain does not work as well these days.  My memory is horrible.  This is likely because of my brain damage.  I hate being an addict.  Sometimes, I even hate myself.  It's a terrible feeling to hate yourself.  I can't help it. 

Where was I earlier?  Oh yeah, I must always be aware.  Evil never seems to give up.  

Luke 21:34-36

New International Version (NIV)

³⁴ “Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you suddenly like a trap. ³⁵ For it will come on all those who live on the face of the whole earth. ³⁶ Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man.”

(Today, July 21st.  Unbelievably, this computer at the library began acting up on me just before I typed the part about "evil never seems to give up."  I didn't remember writing that, but I knew evil was involved.  It's very frustrating. 

Beautifully and amazingly, it stopped after I posted the Bible verse.  Before posted the Bible verse, every time I hit backspace the cursor disappeared.  I have to do this often since I type so fast and make quick mistakes that I need to got back and correct.  God is more powerful!  I love God!)

I feel so lonely now.  I miss that stupid little phone.  They better give me a new one.  Even if they do, I hope I don't lose all of that important data.  I have lots of important appointments coming up!  I can't afford to miss something that matters.  I have to remember to call and make sure I have insurance.  My medication will be out soon.  If I don't have insurance before my next doctor appointment, I'll be in a lot of pain.  Did I say how sometimes I hate myself?

I wish I could call one of my family members right now.  I messed myself up so bad.  Half the time, I don't even care about the physical part.  It's the mental and emotional I can't deal with.  How could I have ever been so stupid and lose everything - knowing what my cost may be?  It could always have been my life.  It has always been the one I cared about and cared about me.  That's the hardest part that brings tears to my eyes every single day.

I'm so confused and lonely right now.  I hope my phone gets fixed tomorrow.  Having to go to the phone store sucks.  At least I already had a pass to go to church.  I was told I could go church.  You see, again - that's God working for me!

Evil has always gotten into my electronics and computer.  (And,  it even found a way into the libraries computer while I'm on it! It follows me.)  God exist in The Universe.  Since I've been in rehab, that phone has given me problems one way or another 3 times already!  My doing the right thing by planning on going to church at least gives me a little hope for the fastest possible solution.  

While I am grateful to be here, I do my best not to make a lot of conversation.  Eventually, I'll meet some good people.  For now, I'll keep quiet.  I talk to my step-mother and my brothers and Susan.  I miss my phone.

Maybe I should do some art. That will help me feel better. Life will be okay. I'll be a bit lonely tonight, but things are getting better in my life - thanks to God.

(There should be a photo here.  It's a long and frustrating story that has already been written.  Keep reading in the future.  Someday, I'll have time to transcribe it and publish it. It will be obvious why the photos on that phone are unreachable. It was a cool drawing of the view I have off the Golden Gate Bridge from my window.  I zoomed it in of course with my eyes and with my crayons!)

Well, I made the card for Marilynn, my step-mother. I'm at church right now, waiting for it to start. I have never been to this one. It's small with some very nice people. I just met a man who spent a year in the hospital I was just in, Laguna Honda, because he fell 3 stories. I fell 5, but he landed on his head.

This church is between the first place Susan and I lived (we just passed it on the bus) and the second place we lived. We are only a couple blocks from the outpatient rehab I went to about 10 times! I miss Susan. I want to be with my family.

( Later in the service, these Bible scriptures were read.)

Luke 9:51-62

New International Version (NIV)

Samaritan Opposition

⁵¹ As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem. ⁵² And he sent messengers on ahead, who went into a Samaritan village to get things ready for him; ⁵³ but the people there did not welcome him, because he was heading for Jerusalem. ⁵⁴ When the disciples James and John saw this, they asked, “Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them?” ⁵⁵ But Jesus turned and rebuked them. ⁵⁶ Then he and his disciples went to another village.

The Cost of Following Jesus

⁵⁷ As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.”
⁵⁸ Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
⁵⁹ He said to another man, “Follow me.”
But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
⁶⁰ Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
⁶¹ Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
⁶² Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”

I am tired. I had to sleep on the couch in the art room last night. While this place is full of assholes, it also has at least one insane person. He is my bunkmate. He sleeps on the top bunk and I sleep on the bottom bunk - for obvious reasons. He freaks out all night. He shakes the entire bed violently! Sometimes, he just shakes the bed less violently, yet continuously... shake, shake, shake, shake, shake....   I have never bothered to look up to see what he was doing, although I had my strange and sick suspicions.
Many people have referred to him as "the masteurbater". I feared that. His violent night shakes are getting worse. He jumps off the top violently landing on the floor sometimes. Last night he landed on the chair next to my bed that I use as a night stand. He hit it hard. I jumped and cut my thumb. I had had enough. I went downstairs to see if I could sleep on a couch.

" If you wanna make God laugh, tell him your plans."

(July 26. I have no idea why I put that quote there last month. However, I recently made a very colorful poster for art class. I have posted it on Facebook. I wish I could put the photo on this blog, however, I don't think I can at the library. Anyway, I put a Bible verse, Psalms 2:4 on that poster that reads:

" But the one who rules in Heaven, laughs" 

(I have no idea where all that came from. I just really like those too "sayings". I love Psalms. My Bible hero, David wrote most of it.)

 

 

I've added quite a bit to it and posted it on my wall.  I'll take a photo soon.

I went downstairs to the first staff person and she said I could not sleep on one of the two dozen couches. The second staff member I encountered said I could. She understood my fear that this is "insane" guy might fall onto my broken back or ankle.

I care about this guy. I pray for this guy. He needs help. I don't believe he is getting the help he needs here. I also don't believe he is helping "anyone" here. They keep saying they will move me as soon as a smaller room opens up. He also keeps my two roommates up all night. He then sleep all morning, skipping mandatory meetings.

I don't think the next person underneath him will be safe. I don't think he's safe. He at least needs to be on a bottom bunk.

In the middle of the day, when he is awake, he has the radio cranked up. He talks to himself and insanely giggles. I can be tired from being up all night and in the morning after attending all the meetings. I need a nap when I have a break. It's frustrating. When I have ask him to turn it down he turns it off. He is nice, he is just out of it.

I can tell this place is going to be difficult already. I will always be grateful for anyone or anything provides recovery, shelter and food to me. And, as I have said before, I am so grateful to be alive. Oh my, I am so grateful to be alive.

People, including doctors and nurses, have called me a miracle. I am NOT the miracle. God is!

Whadda You Want From Me?

Down in the dungeon I'm having a hard time
I get my love on condition and my Dewar's without lime
Up in the tower you're countin' the fault lines
(I say) I am who I am---whadda you want from me

Long distance warfare from over the phone lines
Terminal airfare--I'm crossin' the red line
Can't tell the diff'rence 'tween a "wait" and a "walk" sign
But you know who I am---whadda you want from me (nah yeah)

You preach forgiveness but once in a dog's day
Naw but nobody listens to everything you say
You want the business, ya have it your own way
But you know who I am---whadda you want from me

Now I can't see no maybe, I can't see it at all
I seen through you baby, You wanna have it all...you take me to the wall
(ow!)

Whadda you want from me...

(I said)you know who I am---whadda you want
I done what I can---take what you want
I am who I am---whadda you want from me