Don't Stop Believin

I'm tired.  It's been a long day.  It started early.  I had to be at General Hospital to get a cat scan on my neck.  I guess they still haven't decided if I need one more surgery - on my neck.  I broke it, but have not had surgery on it.  I had surgery on all other areas of my body that contain bones, are important and were "shattered".  I didn't necessarily have surgery where bones were only "broken".  The strange thing about it is, my neck doesn't really hurt.  All the other seriously broken bones hurt - a lot!  They make a big deal of this one.  They make me continue to wear a neck brace.  I don't have to wear a back brace anymore - and it hurts!  However, it has had surgery - already. 

Anyway, I went to General Hospital with an assistant to help me - as usual.  She also assisted another patient.  He had to have something done to his lungs.  He was cool enough.  He's a bouncer in a bar.  He was also in a wheel chair.  Anyway, my procedure took 10 or 15 minutes.  His took over 4 hours!  I point this out only because I had to spend 6 hours in my wheel chair this morning.   It ended up being painful.  Not that I can't sit up like that here sometimes, but I have a table to lean on.  What is all this about?  It's been a good day.  It was nice to get out.  I guess it was just unexpectedly painful and tiring.

I've had so many visitors today.  It's been really nice today.  A couple of my friends in recovery who let me stay with them after I was exited from the rehab program I was in stopped by.  I love those guys!  They were awesome back then and they have been awesome every since.  One of them cleaned out my room after my "incident".  The other gets all my mail.  He is also the person who is "guiding" me through my recovery process.  He has recently gotten my mail about government insurance that I was unable to receive, yet likely will.  I know this because I talked to someone at the hospital I was in recently about that ordeal.  The details about all this are essentially for my "crazy" mind to deal with .  All's I am trying to point out is just how amazingly there for me my San Francisco friends have been! 

I also got two more visitors!  They are two people the rehab I was exited from assigned to be my career coaches!  One is a photographer and one is a book editor.  They were assigned to me right before I was exited.  We have all three developed deeper relationships that survived the insanity that was my relapse!  They both attend my church.  I love these two also. 

I have other friends in recovery who have been very important to me throughout all this also.  A couple even bring over there lovely animals I fell in love with while living with them!  They also continue support my drug rehabilitation needs. 

I have also regained my beautiful relationships I had with my family and my old friends from my old town - Cincinnati.  I love them and miss them.  I can't wait to go back some day and see so many.  There are even more I would want to see now than years ago.  This blog has done that.  God has done that. Like I've said, that's what this blogs about. 

Now it's the next day - Saturday. 

All of the previous things written in this blog were written yesterday - Friday.  Some of what you will read in the near future in this blog was also written yesterday.  I'll be sure to let you know.  Speaking of today, I just now got a needle in the stomach.  My typing of this blog was briefly interrupted.  Ouch!  I get two a day.  One at 8:00AM and one at 4:00PM.  It's 4:00.  I also got all my other meds I get every 4 hours, so I'll likely get a bit drowsy soon!   Why did I move to Saturday to write?  I was just proofing reading yesterdays and decided I needed to write about today...  OH, I know!  (New paragraph time Dave.)

I just had some visitor friends from Cincinnati!  Not "just" now, but a couple hours ago.  Her and I were friends in high school and we had similar career paths a while back.  She is someone I have gotten much closer to as a result of this blog.  She is really cool actually. 

I met her husband for the first time today and he seemed like a good guy.  They were visiting his sister in Monterey.  I told her she HAD TO visit San Francisco!  California is cool and all, but San Francisco is, well - Amazing?  Awesome?  Despite my downfalls, I still love this crazy town.  It is very beautiful and well - Amazing?  Awesome?

Well these nice Cincinnati friends of mine brought me a few things today.  I am very grateful for these things.  I've already used 2!  I will likely use 2 more soon.  I'm sure you'll get an obvious post when I use the other 2!

I love chocolate!  She bought me some things to help me make my milk and milk shakes chocolate!   She also bought me some pastels and art paper! I wish I had my Photoshop CD, I'd load it on to my new lap top and lighten that photo!  I'll get it when I make a trip to my storage unit someday - hopefully soon!  

I'm a dork who loves chocolate milk! 

 

Oh yeah, I also got some chocolate from my photographer church friend yesterday! 



It is TCHO chocolate. Fancy!  I had never had it, but it is so delicious that it's already gone!

Back to yesterdays typing:

I have a lot of pain to deal with - physically, emotionally and mentally.  However, it's because of all of you that pain is manageable.  It's of course because this hospital and wonderful and helpful nurses I am so grateful for!  I'm sure life will have tough challenges because of my mistakes as it should, but I have to be grateful I am alive.  I must not stop believin.

Back to today really quick: 

A nurse who was checking on me this morning informed me that when I hit the ground and broke my ribs after my fall, my broken ribs punctured my lung.  I knew I broke my ribs, but that lung puncture info was new to me today.  I guess that explains where that big scar on my left side came from.  It also explains that quiet gurgling noise I sometimes hear when I breath.

Back to yesterday:

That other person who went through so much of this with me seems to be doing okay also.  She has also helped me - tremendously!  My ex-wife is always willing to help me!  In some ways I feel we were soul mates.  My addiction was, however, entirely to strong for that.  I have died before and still ended up using.  Even after she was the one who saved my life.  In the past, life itself was not even enough.  I have to believe it will be different - this time.  God I pray!  It just has to be.  Things have to be different. 

This morning, in the van on the way to get a the cat scan, a song came on the radio.  I felt good this morning.  This song inspired me even more.  I recorded this back when things seemed good because they were.  I was staying with a couple of those helpful people I mentioned earlier.  This song was recorded just after I was exited from that program.  Things were tough.  I was healthy.  Seeing what I threw away is hard sometimes, but I think I should use my version.  Things will be different this time.  Don't Stop Believin!

Unfortunately, I can't put the actual video on this blog - yet.  I have the actual recording on my old laptop whose screen no longer works.  I hope to get to it soon, but for now I will at least provide a link to it.  I will also put the lyrics below for now.  I guess if you wanted to, you could listen to the song and look at this blog by leaving it as an open window to read the actual lyrics.  Or, if my singing is clear enough, perhaps you can understand the lyrics as I sing them!  Either way.

(I must admit, just watching my video brings tears to my eyes.  I hope that some day I can get back to being that "healthy"!  The lyrics really speek to me too!  "Oh the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on.")

Link to my version
(After you click, "Link to my version", just above, hit the play button on bottom left hand corner of video.  some day the actual video will be here)
 

Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlights people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night.

Working hard to get my fill,
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice,
Just one more time

Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlights people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night.

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlights people

Don't stop believin'
Hold on
to that feelin'
Streetlight people

Saint of Circumastance

Life is... alive.  I don't really know what else say.  I never dreamed I'd put myself in such a situation.  My, being a hardcore drug addict, I never really imagined I'd ever end of up in a hospital for any type of long-term rehab.  I figured I was going to end up in a long-term drug rehab if I was lucky, but those are very, very different.  Those require a lot of work.  Those need to be applied for.  One needs to be accepted into those.  One can be kicked out of one of those. 

I was so lost before I ended up here in this rehab.  This rehab is a physical health rehab.  I wasn't aiming for this.  I wasn't aiming for anything like this.  I was so lost.  I figured I may end up homeless.  I talked to almost no one.  I was so isolated - other than the voices in "that" universe.  Every time I'd manage to get through one of my "usings", I'd be so depressed. The best I could do is use again.  I could maybe work for a bit, but eventually would use again and would eventually end the "ability to work" possibility for myself. 

This time the devil was "the big bad wolf".  I was to find my way to the wilderness and "LAY STILL" long enough to be consumed into the ground.  I would be in hell forever.  It would be never ending.  My doing this would help some good souls who helped people I cared about and cared about me in that universe.  And this one for that matter.  More importantly, this one.

Attempting suicide was never God's Will for me, I can promise you that.  My shooting speed always made death a possibility for me.  Never in my life, NEVER, had I ever attempted suicide.  Sometimes the voices would say "shoot up again..." or "Go out that door and you will die!"  I'd ignore such warnings and live, so....

In fact, I do remember a few years ago the voices told me if I left my apartment to look for speed, I'd get stabbed.  I didn't listen.  I went and sat on this corner hoping some would show.  After a short time this very large transvestite prostitute walked up to the corner I was sitting.  She began pacing back and forth in front of me. Neither of us said a word.  She then reached into her jacket, pulled out a switch blade knife and flicked it open.  I just looked at her.  She put it to my neck.  I said, "God loves you."  She left!  I left!  I should have never used again after that, but as usual, eventually, I did.

A little over a year ago, I started taking a bunch of sleeping pills when I was homeless and miserable.  No one cared about me!  I decided I was in a way too populated of an environment to be dying, so I sadfully went to a distant alleyway I was familiar with.  I was miserable on my way there.  I was exhausted when I got there so I never took anymore - for whatever that's worth.  I was aslo "insane" then. 

That was not an attempt.  Not like this January 15th thing.  That was an attempt!  I think.  I was rather out of my mind when I jumped from the top of a 5 story parking garage.  Since it was 5 stories for vehicles and was a rather new facility, I assume it was higher than 50 feet high! 

I can't believe I even did such a thing.  I hate that I am even writing about it.  I like to believe that since I did it for others, in my own sick way, God may have allowed me to live.  In my sick insane world, it was not a selfish act.  I now see how in this world it was one.  I saw that there too, but I had never been so confused and lost.  Wow.

What was all that babbling all about?  God. Why?  I am getting better.  Very, very slowly. 

Physically, I am mess.  I sure lost a lot by deciding to use again.  I lost a lot!   Hopefully, whatever health I can hold on to will matter to such a degree that I will never use again.  I was so crazy to ever use again.  I had already lost so much.  What was I thinking?

I'm still a bit confused.  When I became conscious, I believed my dad was alive.  I asked my stepmother, Marilynn, for him on the phone.  She told me he was dead.  It was then obvious to me, yet sad.  It's as if my whole world and knowledge of all I have done and had lost had to be re-realized.  It still does.  In fact, I am starting to cry right now....  I lost way to much over that sick F---'ING drug!  It hurts y s

I won't bother to fix that last typo.  However, usually when I get so emotionally overwhelmed, my typing gets out of whack like that and I have to keep hitting backspace over and over then retyping what I meant to type.  Just as I was doing that I happened to type, "It hurts y s" above, and a counselor was happening to walk by and complimented the way I look. She hadn't seen me for a couple weeks - since I got a hair cut and shaved.  She was very nice and sat down at the table I am sitting.  I apologized and explained the tears in my eyes.  She understood.  She was one of the first counselors I met with here a few times.  She was a speech counselor.  Things were that bad for me.  My mind was that confused.  They thought I may have brain damage. She complimented me and told me I had come a long way.  She was aware of my blog.  I told her I was writing it now.  I really was confused in those early days.  I really have come a long way.

People are the reason.  I have reconnected with so many friends and family.  The Universe I insanely existed in during my last run was nothing like the one I became conscious to!  Nothing.  I could not believe that people were putting together a fundraising event for me!!  My Family, My High School Friends, My Friends in Recovery.  I was so blown away!  I still am!  It's these thoughts that bring yet more tears to my eyes.  These feel different.  These feel so loving!  I am so confused.  I do feel loved and know I have to take on this confusion one day at a time.  It is slowly getting better.  I believe it may be God's pace.  This doesn't mean I don't have to pay for my mistakes, but it can be all better.

If I am never able to walk again, I'll make the best of it.  If my restroom usage stays where it is then that is where it stays.  I have not had to catheterize myself in over a week!  I have gone to the restroom on handicap toilets many times.  I have a commode by my bed at night.  Slowly but surely.  I still have a lot of pain!  I also have a plastic urinal beside by bed.  It hurts to use, but I am grateful to be able to.  Why do I explain these things?  I don't know, I just do and it is my truth.  DON'T USE DRUGS KIDS.  I mean it.  Or anyone for that matter.  It is never to late to get clean! NEVER.  On the flip side, it's never to late for something disastrous to occur.  I took it way to far and lost way to much.  I have to admit this and even, unfortunately - own it.  I try to stay positive, but I have to be honest.

THE TRUTH is what I have to live by these days.  This doesn't mean I have to tell everyone everything.  Everything about what I've done, OR everything people tell me.  I just have to live myself a truthful honest life.  I can never use drugs again.  NEVER.  It gets worse every time.  I must know this for myself.  Whatever is ahead of me must be better than my past - that included using and relapses.  I've always believed Heaven and hell could be experienced to some degree on earth.  Meaning that I have experienced both to some degree while here.  This means that if I die while in such a state over a period of time, that is where I would likely end up.  It would still ultimately be determined by God, but...

(approximately 1/2 hour later)

I just got off a long term phone conversation with a government agency that denied me health insurance.  She is going to try to reapply for me.  She was very thorough about everything, but was very nice.

It just made things so much more complicated for me that it does bring tears to my eyes.  Part of the reason it was cancelled is I never responded to their mail.  It was being sent to a friends house I once stayed with.  I am so confused.  I have been so many places over the past year.  Now, I'm... confused.

(A few hours later)

I had to do so many things that kind of got pretty much go me no where, but I am back in my bed now.  Somewhere!  I just had a very sweet young friend call me.  She reminded me something very important - that I haven't been using.  I have over 2 months clean now!   She believes it simply took something like this for me to finally stay clean forever.  I was actually heading that direction with this blog. That insurance call confused me a bit, but no matter what, staying clean is what I will get from all this. 

I have such a hard time imagining that what I did was something that got me going in the right direction, but I have to realize that.  I just have to.  That night I jumped off the building, I really had no idea what I was going for, but I obviously went for it.  And, here I am.  I was wrong to do so, but God is powerful and can work in mysterious ways I guess.  He is capable of turning bad into good.  I've seen it happen before.  I wish it didn't have to go this way, but I want to believe it has.  So like I said, here I am.  I got a long way to go.  I am just a tiger in a trance....

Listen, sure don't know what I'm going for, but I'm going to go for it for sure.

 

 

This must be heaven, tonight I cross the line.
You must be the angel, I though I might never find.
Was it you I heard singing, oh while I was chasin dreams.
Driven by the wind, like the dust that blows around,
And the rain fallin down, but I never know.

 Got to be heaven, cause heres where the rainbow ends.

If this aint the real thing, then its close enough to pretend.

When that wind blows, when the nights about to fall.

You can hear the silence call, its a certain sort of sound,

Like the rain fallin down.

Holes in whats left of my reason, holes in the knees of my blues.

Odds against me been increasin, but Ill pull through.

I never could read no road map, I dont know what the weather might do.

But when that rich wind whines and I see the dark star shine,

I got a feeling theres no time to lose, no time to lose.

Never know now, just dont never know, no.

Well its been heaven, but even the rainbows will end.

Now my sails are fillin and the wind is willin.

And Im as good as gone again.

 Im still walkin, so Im sure that I can dance.
Just a saint of circumstance, just a tiger in a trance.
And the rain fallin down, well, you never know, just dont know.
Listen, sure dont know what I going for, but Im gonna go for it for sure.....................................................    :)

 

NEW?

It seems my blog has been a little absent lately.  Well, the last one I posted, was March 10th, so I guess that makes it one day shy of a week since I last posted one - that's if I get this one posted today.  I am bored.  I'm in this hospital bed quite a bit.   I was going back and forth to the library in the beginning of my computerless days as this blog has documented - I think.  Actually, I believe a couple responses per post I will re-post in this blog came the days I actually had a computer but had new confusions to deal with!  Confused?  Me too.

Once I got my new laptop computer in the mail, I had to deal with getting it connected to the internet and also figuring out Windows 8!  Windows 8 was new to me!  I never expected it to slow me as much it did though!   My having to get connected here at the hospital was not new to me.  I had gone through that just a couple of weeks before.  I expected it to slow me.  It did.  

Each of these things had me slowed a bit.  At some point, it seems I was unable to post something on Facebook about something I was actually just thinking now!  So, I kind of laugh about it.  I was just thinking, "MY REAR END HURTS!"  More on that fact in a bit.

Another factor besides the two I mentioned (Getting reconnected & Windows 8) had also introduced itself - BlogSpot.com was unable to play YouTube videos! (Did/does my rear end pain constitute a third factor? Did I now have FOUR factors?  Who knows)

The main factor for my decision to not start writing a blog, was the fact that I noticed that the video on my last blog, Help!, would not play the YouTube Video in that blog.  In fact when I checked all of my previous blogs, none of the videos in them played!  Frustrated I was!  This was noticed many days ago.  Yesterday, I emailed BlogSpot.com's technical support people about it and it was fixed minutes later!  Faster and easier than I expected, that's for sure. 

Anyway, the other night, I didn't expect it do go so simple, so I chose not to blog.  I was tired (A fifth factor perhaps?).  I decided to write a couple of paragraphs on Facebook's Update Status or What's on your mind? 

Below is what I wrote:

"MY REAR END HURTS!

I am spending more and more time these days at a desktop computer in the library while I wait for my new laptop to arrive in the mail. I dropped and broke the screen on the last. I was due a new one anyway but the timing sure sucked.

My relapse that caused a short-term drug run (only 2 months) and ???-term hospital stay has assured me to lose weight! I've lost 30lbs! Much of it in my rear. My rear and my stomach love to gain (and lose) it first! Last I heard, I weighed 125. This is before some sweet, hometown lady friends mailed me endless supplies of my favorite sweets!

I also broke so many bones from head to toe. These bone breakings include my pelvis - in two places. I also broke my tailbone. I also shattered my back bone in my lower back. Ouch! - is all I can type. Typing takes more time = pain. Time does the healing and getting the getting use to - I guess!

I've been in this body and mind rehab place for a while. It all began in the ICU of a normal hospital for 3 weeks, January 15th! January 15th is when that faithless leap took place. Pure insanity had been reached. The big bad wolf awaited another loss arrival.

By the way, this is what that silly blog, Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog, is about. I post it, off and on, all the time. It's about my crazy days as an addict in this beautiful and crazy city - San Francisco. I say that and then I remember something it's really about - It's not about me. It's about God! Oh yeah and it's about my shooting up crystal meth. And, GOD!"

Somehow, I like to keep this blog and Facebook disconnected.  Its a long story, but it does makes some since.  I think.  I always believed that not naming people OR creating nicknames made sense when I began rewriting this blog when I was homeless a year ago.  However, I felt it was fine to name the recovery facility that excepted me and would eventually save me.  Well, it seems my naming that facility in this blog was enough to get me exited.  Well, that and my relapse of another one of my "behaviors" that was not an a written exitable offence!  It turns out my exiting from that program was more about my telling The Truth.  I thought they would try to keep me and maybe even put me on restriction for doing what I did while "she" begged me to shoot up with her, not kick me out!  It was what it is or is what it was.  It is what it is.   Here I am.  I will not name this hospital in this blog. 

OR people who are not in this hospital and have done nothing but help and encourage me.  The one exception I'll make is when I have permission to do so from a person.  

Well, I am not going to ask for permission from these kind and very giving to me young ladies for their written Facebook  responses to what I typed that night, but they were:

"So proud of you buddy keep on keeping on"

"Been thru it too babe you got it sending hugs and prayers !❤"

"I think u should make the blog a book dave i really think it would be a good book"

"IT WOULD HELP A LOT OF PEOPLE WITH ALL THE SAME PROBLEMS. ALSO GOING TO THE SCHOOLS AND TALKING TO THE KIDS FOR THERE ARE A LOT OF KIDS THAT HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT FAMILY PROBLEMS.... AND THEY END UP KILLING THEMSELVES... THERE ARE SO MANY KIDS TODAY WITH SO MANY DIFFERENT PROBLEMS."

"Yes ma'am so true !"

"Hang in there, Dave... God is good!! Keeping you in my daily prayers.. ❤"

"DAVID, THIS IS WHEN YOU TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.... AND YOU ARE ALREADY DOING THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF... YOU ARE WRITING EVERYTHING DOWN... ANY GOOD PSYCHIATRIST.. WILL TELL YOU TO KEEP A JOURNAL OF YOUR UPS AND DOWN... ALWAYS LIVE YOU LIFE THE WAY YOUR MOTHER WOULD HAVE WISHED FOR YOU... JUST KEEP YOU MOM AND DAD IN YOUR DAILY PRAYERS AND STICK TO YOUR JOURNAL...."

After all of that was written, I wrote this:

"I agree with everything you amazing ladies have to say.  And, I
completely agree with the writing and journaling part.  Occasionally, I will have someone say to me that I tell way too many things about myself to everyone.  I believe that it is up to me to share with as many people as possible as much as possible.  I don't even share everything!  The fact of the matter is, I SHOULD BE DEAD - A few times!  I believe that everyone needs to be honest - with at least someone! This is why I am so honest with so many.  I believe if we are heading to a good place, Honesty and THE TRUTH will be very necessary there.  Those things I imagine make for a pretty good place here also!  Perhaps we should prepare ourselves with "another".  That can start by just journaling "--other" is GOD!"

After writing that response, I decided that I should copy and paste it into BlogSpot.com with the belief that I may one day choose to include in my next blog - once I figured out how to get YouTube to post a video again!  Well, like I said earlier, I did figure out how to get YouTube videos posted on my blog again.

It's always important to me that songs that are chosen for these blogs are orgtnic.  They come as they come.  When I pasted this one paragraph response in BlogSpot.com, I had no song in mind.  One has yet to surface.  I figured this paragraph may just be a part of my next blog. It is.  I simply posted in the blog title, "New?", the other night after I copied and pasted it.  I still can't think of a song and one never came up, so I guess this blog will be songless, yet remain organic.  Is it "New?"

It is "New?"
 

Help!

I am so grateful to see that my "incident" has reintroduced my friends and family to one another! This is something I continue to realize.  I am grateful for the funds raised for me too, but I think what it did for me the most was convince me that people cared about each other and that people cared about me!

This was of course before they realized it was a "suicide attempt".  And you know, even the reality of that could be in question - not really though.  However, I called it a "suicide attempt" yesterday and a great friend reminded my how twisted out of my my mind I was during that decision and how totally lost I become while shooting crystal meth and how especially lost I became this last time!  I really truly was.  I also existed in a universe where no one cared about me anymore.  It was so hard.  I was so lost.  It hurts me to think back to this now.  It even brings tears to my eyes.

While this can't be denied, I still cannot deny the reality of what I did.  Had the "attempt" killed me, I'd be dead.  PERIOD.  Reality.  I do realize that people are able to look at me and realize that if I am not using, suicide would be the last thing for me to consider!  Ever!  However, what I do while using, is what I do.  This last time, for the first time, it is what I did.  (Or attempted I should say.)

I must admit, my mind right now is feeling really strange.  It is as if I am on a mild LSD trip.  What I mean is colors are melting together and things are moving around from the corner of my eyes!  I'm a bit confused about reality.  I'm seeing things.  I'm imagining things.  It's all pretty trippy man!

I have done enough hallucinogens in my lifetime to handle these hallucinations!  It could be the increase in drugs I recently requested after long term consideration and much discussion with health care providers.  Maybe not always what I was hopping for, but...  The only reason I asked for more drugs is because I was in so much pain at night I could not sleep and I was horrifically frozen solid for long periods of time until I managed to pull or scream my way out.  It was horrible.  When I told the doctor this, she agreed I needed an increase during the evening hours as I had (?recommended?).  She increased my dosage amount 15 milligrams per dosage from 8:00 PM until 4:00 AM.  I kind of see it similar to how when I have a cold, it worsens during my evening and morning hours.  My dosage had recently been cut back for my every four hour dose anyway and that's when the pain slowly started to begin.  It was cut back 5 milligrams per dosage.  It sure seems I'm close to being back to my total normal dosage amount per day, but my loopy brain can't do the math right now!   I am also beginning to get a little more active during the day with my getting in and out of my wheel chair and going to group sessions.   

I don't know, but things are better and I made it very clear I was an drug addict to my Doctor.  Pills have never been my thing and other than the visual effects, I am not really affected by these accept for my pain reduction and help  sleeping.  I discussed my being an addict, because I do know this drug is a relatively new and serious one that some of my friends who I have met in rehab over the years have struggled with.  It (oxcycodon/oxcycotin) happens to be their drug of choice.   I've heard it referred as hillbilly heroin. While I take it seriously, heroin or pills were never drugs I enjoyed. 

My getting back to normal is coming very slowly. Very Slowly. However, I receive nice compliments from people who see me moving around or see my haircut and my clean shave all the time!  I do feel better about being able to keep up on myself. 

A few blogs ago, I mentioned the very cute Asian nurses who gave me full body, nude baths while I was really in pain and really unable to move a few weeks ago.  Don't worry folks, I am not going the wrong direction with this - I PROMISE!  (Especially to you - my local friend who suggested this warning to me!  LOL ) They were very, very professional about what they were doing and I was very professional about what I received.  It was nice to have my dirty body cleaned - by very cute women of a nationality I am attracted to.  They were so professional and the couple times it occurred, I would just lay back and comfortably enjoy it.  I WAS in a lot of pain after all and was unable to move around.   One of them is very sweet to me all the time and very friendly to me.

She came back to work this morning for the first time since I finally was back in her section again!  I now have more physical movement.   I also have a new, nicer and much neater hair cut and shave.  Her first words as I awoke were, "Wow, you're lookin' so good!  Losing all that hair.... "  She smiled very nicely. Perhaps that's why my day started off so well.  She is very kind.  She is always on time with everything and very helpful.  In fact, she helped me get into my wheel chair to come to the library!  Let me tell you, it's an ordeal.  I have to suit up in my body armor!!!  It's worth it.  While it is painful, it is a little less painful each time.  My body gets to readjusted for it's muscles.  I am also realizing that this body armor forces me into correct physical posture.  I believe I am heading in the right direction.

Dave a couple of weeks ago.

Dave Yesterday.
(I do have better photos (I am a photographer who is usually bed-bound and bored!), but this is the only one I currently have with my recent hair cut and shave that I can put on library computer - Did I mention I have self-esteem issues? Pay no attention to em'!) 

I must say, I ask for help a lot less these days than I did when I first got here.  I was even more confused and in so much pain and so helpless!    I did deserve more help back then, that is for sure.  I have adjusted by learning some.  I also have less pain.  My poor neighbor screams for help all day and sometimes all night long!  While she also deserves more help, sometimes she overdoes her requests.  I see how it's hard for the nurses here.  I'm not getting into all that.  I'd like to simply say, I love these nurses!  I love these patients!  I love this hospital!  It is helping me!  I have been helped by so many for so long.  I do appreciate that.  Thanks to this help, I have another chance at life!

I will admit, I didn't need help for so many years when I was younger.  Or, I didn't think I did, so I didn't ask.  My reality is that my drug addiction insanity has increased my need for help at times.  I also believe that I don't have the self-esteem I may once have had.  I have little self-esteem these days.  I must admit, that's where my nurse friends compliment this morning may have had it's place for me!  Thanks for all the Help everyone!   And I do appreciate you being round.  

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these daya are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

Seven Nation Army

It's kind of nice to know things are kind of heading in the right direction (kind of). I mean, I'm laying on my side (which I was unable to do a week ago – it was too painful!), typing on my laptop with a roof over my head. I thought I was going to be homeless! I mean, I was starting to lose my mind and was contacting almost no one. Life was looking pretty dark. In fact, one of the last blogs I ever wrote before I used was how using led me to hell on earth and I said that I believe that dying in hell on earth meant I would end up I hell in the afterlife. Plenty of reasons to use and plenty to look forward to wouldn't you agree? It's that delicious rush that shoots out of that needle I love!!!!

If someone would have told me that I was going to attempt suicide...wow! I would have told them no way. In fact after knowing I started using again, Hippie Chick called me a couple of months ago and told me she was slowing driving across The Golden Gate Bridge and the reason it was slow is because someone was about to jump off the rail to commit suicide. She later called me and told me that she saw that and said the first person she thought of was me! She said, “Please don't do that, so many people love you!” I thanked her for her concern, but told her I would never do such a thing. I did tell her that my sticking a needle in my arm was flirting with death enough, but I could never do something so final! Final! Well,.... that's another story. Still, Final!

I am grateful I was no where near the Golden Gate Bridge January 15^th. I was really insane that morning. As it got light that morning, the tallest thing I could find near the San Francisco International Airport, (where I happened to be close to somehow) was a 5 story parking garage! I still can't believe I actually jumped. (For you locals, I was actually in San Bruno and it was the San Bruno parking Garage.)

I am so grateful to be alive. I can't stand all this pain and wonder if I'll ever be normal or able to walk again, but.... I guess I at least got my mind back – for that I am grateful. Apparently, my skull was the last cracked bone. I was telling this woman I was meeting with this morning about recovery here at the hospital how it must have went for me – luckily! The order of destruction that is. Thank God I don't remember the fall or the landing or 3 to 4 weeks following it all, but I believe I landed on my left ankle first. Bone-wise – It hurts the absolute worst. I mean, IT HURTS. And it has large incision cuts on both sides and I saw x-rays of it. X-rays showed it to have the most pieces of bones, metal and screws as any other shattered bone area in my body – there were three other such areas.

Allow me to recall. Shattered left ankle first. Hip bone broken next Tail bone and backbone shattered next  (update on 3/10 - actually, I was a few days later updated that I broke my pelvis, ie - tailbone, in 2 places!) Ouch. Lots of screws and metal there too. Both elbows shattered next. The left shattered worse that the right. It has more pain and has received more metal and screws than the right. Left side ribs next were broken. Broken ribs suck!  (Update on 3/10 - still have broken ribs, however pain has moved to ribs in back since I have gotten more mobile - for whatever that's worth.)  I still have a big hole my skin between my left ribs from that. Apparently there was a tube sticking out from between them. I must have fell to my left side! My left collar bone was broken next. My nephew breaks his collarbone every football season and says it doesn't hurt. It just sucks because it ends his season. He was running the ball pretty good this year too! He's right about it not hurting. The only way I knew mine was broken is because it was swollen and the doctor happened to be near and I said, “Did I break my collar bone?” He said “yes”. No telling what else I broke! Then my neck was broken. Then I cracked my skull. I think that's it. But, I did crack my skull!

Oh, that's not all, pain-wise! I have plenty of nerve pain from the broken back around my rear end area! My feet and legs! Ouch! And, I have trouble going to to the restroom. I hope that changes and it slowly seems to be. I hope I can walk again! Walk again. I remember the last time I bought speed it was from my friend who is missing a leg and is in a wheelchair. I remember feeling miserable about my situation as he was weighing it up for me. I also remember looking at his situation and thinking how I needed to be grateful I could walk. I should have... yeah, right.

If these pains and worries weren't enough, there's the ones the hospital I'm currently in ads. I was mistakenly put in the Isolation Ward for 5 days. They thought I had tuberculosis. I thought it was a mistake, but voicing such a thing gets me no where. They had to run tests and I understood that. I am lucky if I happen have phone or internet access anywhere here! Up there it was internet for a short time. I can't even leave my bed! That's my fault. Up there I was constricted to my room.

I wish everyone considered the situation I have put my pathetic self into and considered the worry of my family who is far away and commonly use to me disappearing for no good reason – since I am a drug addict. I finally talked to some yesterday – by breaking my “not allowed in my wheelchair yet policy.” I do love this place, but just using the phone is so complicated and got me yelled at for truly no good reason Sunday morning by the front desk. My cell phone has service about 20 feet away from my room in the hall. I'm asking to get moved at least a few rooms down today so I can contact my family and friends in Cincinnati and here without having to use their phone or the phone in the hallway! I'm hoping I get internet access sometime today. (Yeah! 3:42 and I have it! Just proof reading.)

Oh boy, I guess all these worries give me something more to fear than my pain and my future. Not really, but.... Whatever.

I am grateful to be alive. I will be no matter how things turn out for me. If I am crippled and in pain the rest of my life, I will be grateful. I'm sure I'll be human and develop some regrets, but it is GOD'S Will I survived. I remember staring over that ledge down to that concrete parking lot and WOW! It was far. It scared me. I can't believe I jumped. Maybe I slipped on the wall trying to come back. Whatever happened, happened.

I was seriously lost for all the wrong reasons. This time I was fighting government officials trying to crush my skull with satellite, laser skull crushing devises. It was to help those I cared about (and them – they tried to help me or witness something....), but I couldn't sit through it long enough. Hearing and actually feeling my skull beginning to crush and my face begin to cave in was too much. It scares me now! There was also The Big Bad Wolf (aka the devil) trying to get me . He too tried to deal with me - something “good.” Never deal with the devil! He's not all bad, but.... He is the devil!

I felt I was in a losing battle this time. Suicide was the quickest and worst, but a way out of the mess I had everyone in “where ever” I had us! I was almost always insane at the end of my runs. If I made it through, using would be my only answer out the depression. And, I made it through the last time run! I'd get that amazingly beautiful rush and run and always hoped I'd get through that hard comedown – which I always did without ever attempting suicide. Bad things had happened, but I'd gamble. I did lost A LOT! Anything to avoid that horrible feeling! Somehow, I could not get unstuck this time. I was miserable. It hurts me so much to even think about. I'm starting to cry right now. I need to stop.

Now if only someone would bring me that password for the internet this Monday afternoon. I miss my internet friends. I miss my family too. I guess I'm a net junkie! OR, I wish someone would move me a few rooms so I could use my cell phone I could call my aunts. I never called them yesterday during my wheelchair outing. It got painful! I'd do a wheelchair outing today – 20 feet down the hall (still may), but as I said earlier, I'm not allowed. It was supposed to be approved on the 27^th but I was in Isolation! “I” make things difficult, but, I make 'em!

I'm feeling better. I am.  I'm having long, painful and very confusing nights, but the voices are long gone - mostly!  I hope I will be able carry this feeling of positivity with me as long as we need it this time into THE GOOD!  I can never use again. I felt this way before, but used. I can never use again. I pray I don't use again! It's important I don't. I'm grateful to be alive! 

I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
And I'm talkin' to myself at night
Because I can't forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a

cigarette

And the message comin' from my eyes says leave it alone...

Don't wanna hear about it
Every single one's got a story to tell
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell
And if I catch it comin' back my way
I'm gonna serve it to you
And that ain't what you want to hear
But that's what I'll do

And the feeling coming from my bones says find a home...

I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera forevermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore
And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding
Right before the lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me
And I will think no more

And the stains comin' from my blood tell me "Go back home"...

Liberty

lib·er·ty

noun, plural lib·er·ties.

1.  freedom from arbitrary or despotic government or control.

2.  freedom from external or foreign rule; independence.

3.  freedom from control, interference, obligation, restriction, hampering conditions, etc.; power or right of     doing, thinking, speaking, etc., according to choice.

4.  freedom from captivity, confinement, or physical restraint: The prisoner soon regained his liberty.

5.  permission granted to a sailor, especially in the navy, to go ashore.

 

I'm back on  the Mezzanine level!  Liberty!  I do not have tuberculosis!  I was stuck in the Isolation ward for 4 days!  Talk about lonely and hard.  I could not leave my room.  I was not allowed visitors.  Could not access the internet for a few days - that is until "she" helped me!  I love "she's"!  I met some nice people up there I must admit, but I could not wait to get back to the freedom level!  I had a nice room.  I was in and older section, but it was a nice room.  I couldn't see out the the little window.  Then this sweet young woman who may have been Russian did for me a huge favor!  She shaved my face!

 

Now that, I'm back on the Mezzanine level, perhaps I'll get what I feel I am needing and was getting before while here - I full bath from the nurses.  Maybe I'll be able to get myself one soon.  Hopefully, I'll be able to get into my wheelchair and get myself the places and things I need soon enough.  Probably not too soon, but soon enough.  

 

I am in so much pain.  I am very happy to be out of that Isolation Ward.  I felt isolated enough before!  I had a feeling that that tuberculosis test was wrong.  I have had long enough experienced with needles to believe that the young man who gave me the test may have done it wrong.  I sensed it.  And, I've had plenty of TB tests recently!  

 

I'm getting pretty good at this self-diagnosis thing.  Not over doctors or real nurses, but over trainees as some are hear.  I've been at this long enough and I feel my body!  Speaking of feeling my body, they just started giving me that stomach shot again.  The nurses who don't pull up the skin and go into the muscles in my stomach - OUCH. I'm learning to tell them.  It can be painful otherwise.

 

I'm starting to believe that all of my hardcore exercise during my 8 months of recovery may have helped me in this time of life while using and while recovering from injury.  It may have helped save my life. 

 

Actually, I am pretty sure God's Will saved me.  The devil or "The Big Bad Wolf" as he claimed himself this time was always trying to convince me to die and go to hell this last time I was using.  While I didn't end up doing it his or any other famous "Government" officials way to help the souls of others, I did jump of that building to ease the life's and afterlife's of others I care about.  As much as I did not want to commit suicide, I believe I did and it was a very unselfish act.  Perhaps for that alone it was God's Will I survived.  It's not without price let me tell you, but it seems to be heading in the right direction for the bigger "everything."

 

It looks a like a indoor glassed in garden down there!  My brain still has trouble!  I think that is Bernal Heights Park up there.  For a photographer, I sure am having problems with these cameras - one on computer and phone!  Long Story.  

I used to run around this park I can see and wish I could show you a photo of while I lived with Lisa and Claus a few months ago - perhaps they can come over tonight!   I'm ready to start living as much as my very crippled butt possibly can! 

The first thing I had to do was write a blog once I learned I would be moving.  That's after I said hello to one of those cute white uniformed bath-giving Asian Nurses who had the cutest smile. :)  I also have a new nurse who is pretty cute and seems very concerned about my health and well being.  What I usually say not long after I meet a nurse is, "What's your name?", so  I of course did.  Her answer, "Liberty".  I smiled and said, "I'm currently writing a blog named Liberty!"  

I usually use nicknames early on, but I think this one deserves reality.  It deserves "The Truth".  After all, my entire push from the Isolation Ward back to The Mezzanine Level I had a certain inspiring song in my head!  And, I did have my first attempt at suicide recently!  (HOPEFULLY MY LAST!)  My life has been, well....

 
Saw a bird with a tear in his eye
 Walking to New Orleans my oh my
Hey, now, Bird, wouldn't you rather die
Than walk this world when you're born to fly?

If I was the sun, I'd look for shade
If I was a bed, I would stay unmade
If I was a river I'd run uphill
If you call me you know I will
If you call me you know I will

Ooo, freedom
Ooo, liberty
Ooo, leave me alone
To find my own way home
To find my own way home

Say what I mean and I don't give a damn
I do believe and I am who I am
Hey now Mama come and take my hand
Whole lotta shakin' all over this land

If I was an eagle I'd dress like a duck
Crawl like a lizard and honk like a truck
If I get a notion I'll climb this tree
or chop it down and you can't stop me
Chop it down and you can't stop me

Ooo, freedom
Ooo, liberty
Ooo, leave me alone
To find my own way home
To find my own way home

Went to the well but the water was dry
Dipped my bucket in the clear blue sky
Looked in the bottom and what did I see?
The whole damned world looking back at me

If I was a bottle I'd spill for love
Sake of mercy I'd kill for love
If I was a liar I'd lie for love
Sake of my baby I'd die for love
Sake of my baby I'd die for love

Ooo, freedom
Ooo, liberty
Ooo, leave me alone
To find my own way home
To find my own way home
I'm gonna find my own way home