Demons

5/8/13
As hard as yesterday was, today was not. Yesterday still happened and its issues are still with me. One or two million  dollars is not easy to forget. 

I went to the Giants game with my friends from this hospital. It felt good to be back near my old neighborhood, SoMa or South of Market.  People in San Francisco call it one or the other.  I guess the hip newcomers call it SoMa.  It's always been "South of Market."  I want to get back to that area as soon as I can. I love this little mountain, but I want to get off of it as soon as I can.  

I may start my next blog with this. I am in pain and I am tired. That's not always a bad thing. I love life. I am alive. Thank you God.
Every since I wrote the last blog, Sister Luck poor old "Sister" has been screaming all the time.  Tonight at dinner, she kept yelling "HELP!" As I walked by, she said, "Sir, I need HELP!"  I just said, "Sister (I used her real name of course), everything is going to be okay."  I'm still tired, but I do need to start writing another blog. 

 

5/10/13

Well, I said I needed to, so I have.  This was, of course, a couple of days ago.  Sister is still so lost and confused.  I pray for her.  Today, at lunch she started by saying her usual, "Take me to 850 Powell (not her real old address)."  She then switched to "I have to poop!"  and "I have to pee!"  Sometimes she said, "If they take us all to 850 Powell, we can all poop!"  I wasn't sitting at the table with her today.  As I walked by her, she yelled, "SIR!"  I just kept walking and said, "It'll be okay "Sister" (using her real name, of course)"  She slowly put her head down.  She didn't respond.

 

I've been a bit depressed.  My dark side brought me here.  I'm very grateful to be here, but no one wants to live in a hospital.  This one is pretty different also.  It is a rehab hospital.  It is a health rehab hospital, but obviously, many people here have mental health issues.  I guess including me to some degree.  I mean I am a drug addict who attempted suicide.  Also, when I say it is different, it is in San Francisco.  I think that is enough said.

 

When I am clean, I am fairly normal - in comparison to some.  For instance, there is this guy who since he got here a few weeks ago, he has walked around the hospital talking to himself.  It is necessary that he have a nurse constantly on his patrol.  He is about 6'5" tall and is very, very skinny.   His strange being is nothing different for San Francisco. 

 

A couple nights ago, he started walking into my room.  The first couple of times, he just looked at me, talked to himself and then walked out.  I didn't say a word.  When he walks in, he only comes to my side of the curtain.  The fourth time he started asking me what I was doing in my room.  And, how long I have been in my room.  After this, he started coming in and sitting down and asking me if it was my room.

 

He JUST NOW walked in and said, "Hey, what's up?"  I said, "Nothing, how are you doing?" He said, "I was doing fine."  He then turned around and walked out.   He seems harmless most of the time, however, the couple times I have caught him going into my room when I am not in it and I have followed him in to see what he was doing, he has been opening all of my drawers an grabbing my clothes.  The first time he saw me, he threw my Cincinnati Reds shirt I had worn to the game that day at me.   I asked him what he was doing.  He said, "Yeah you gotta lock your stuff up so no body gets it!"  I said, "Yeah, people like you?"  He just looked at me and walked past me to get out the door.

 

The second time I saw him walk in, it was really bad.  I keep a pillow under my covers so I can lean my shattered ankle on it at night.  He was flinging open my covers to see what was under them.  He then grabbed my jacket and threw it at me.  I said, "GET OUT OF HERE!"  I know he has issues, but I was having a hard day also and he does need to stay out of here and off of my things!   I was nervous that he may throw my camera across the room or try to take it or something.  A $2200.00 camera that has been my livelihood in the past would hurt me to lose.   I was at least able to finally get a key from the front desk to lock my very valuable things away.  I've been asking for the key since I got in this room.  I also have a brand new laptop, two detachable hard drives, an mp3 player, a guitar and a mobile phone.  I don't look homeless, but they are the most valuable things to my name and I was asked to take photos for the hospital newspaper.

I mean, I really do want out of here some day.  The Truth is, I don't think I'm ready.  They really do seem to be rushing me.  I would love to start going to drug rehab so I can get closer to getting a job.  I mean, if I was physically healthy enough to be a street artist, I would!  I could then get a place.  I just can't physically do it.

 

I don't even know where to begin with all that I am overwhelmed with.  It brings tears to my eyes.  I can't help it.  I'm crying right now.  I have so many issues.  People see me doing better, learning how to walk.  I am.  I am pushing myself really hard because I feel like I have too.  I do have emotional issues.  I think they come from my brain damage.  AND, my reality.   The Truth is all I am trying to share.

 

I am in so much pain right now.  I finally got some cold compresses that I can tie around my ankle.  Over the past couple of days, I have asked ten times for them and I have gotten them twice. I'm not really that demanding.  I finally had to request more pain medication also.  I HATE doing that!  I am an addict!  I'm only doing so because it hurts sooo bad.  I've never requested extra pain meds until tonight.  My nurse JUST gave them to me.  They are oxycodone.

 

(A few minutes later)

I JUST NOW got back from dealing with another issue of mine.  My nerve damage/restroom issue.  I'd rather not talk about it.  I don't even talk to the doctors or nurses about it.  I have lots of pains.  Some are time consuming.   I don't like to complain or cry or wine or talk about this problem.  I like to encourage others, but my life is hard.  I made it that way.  That's just The Truth I must live by.  It is SO important that I live by it and write it.  Not all the dirty details of course, but all of the details I have learned about The Universe.  Even if my end will not be good, it is up to me to tell The Truth.  I owe it.  As a result of my dark side, I'll owe what I owe.  For that I must be prepared.  I will pray for Gods Will.  We all should. 

 

They seem to think I'll be able to be wheelchair free in a couple of weeks.  Since they say this and are also wanting me to plan my exit, I have really been pushing myself.  I do all of my physical therapy homework and I walk with my cane around the hospital "block" on my floor.  While, it is starting to feel a little bit more like the way I used to walk, I still limp and hobble.  And this is what it looks like tonight:



It hurts



As you can see, it is very swollen.  It also hurts quite a bit.  Even my toes are throbbing.  I just pray to God I'll be able to walk normally some day.  It feels like I'm walking on a sprained ankle right now.  I was at least able to help the swelling go down some"

 

Cold c0mpress and great big rubber band!  That great big rubber band is a tool I use to help me do exercises for my physical therapy. 

 

As much as I'd like to hide The Truth, I feel I need to be honest.  All this came from my dark days.  Days of shooting meth, lusting for sex, hearing voices and being insane.  I hope and pray those days are over.  Actually, its important that I remind myself, that if those days aren't over, my days are over.  Those days are where my demons hide, that's for sure!

When I pray to God, believe in God, and do Good things, I'm okay.  I know this from past experience.  Past experience has also taught me where the demons will take me - to a tough, rough and dark place. 

I'm doing my best to get out of it.  It seems things in The Universe start to overlap for me lately. 

I met this guy here a couple of weeks ago.  He was sitting at a table in one of the meeting rooms with a couple of my friends, so I figured I'd say hello.  We got to talking.  It turns out he is also an addict who got high and attempted suicide and wound up here.  They also tried to rush him out a bit.  He is now a mentor here who helps people like me find a smooth way out.  He eventually went to rehab and was helped to get an apartment. 

We already had a lot in common, AND his parents are street artists.  I know them both.  Also, his uncle is an addict and is the person who "leads" one of the two groups of meetings for Deadheads that are addicts who have chose to live life clean.  I was the "leader" of the other before I relapsed.   I saw this new friend of mine before the Giants a couple of days ago.   He said that everywhere he goes, he runs in to people who know me.  He said he was down at the plaza where all the street artists sell their art a couple of days ago and many of them asked about me and how I was doing.  He also said that he was around some of those Deadheads and many of them asked about me.

When I came back from The Giants game he was sitting inside the entrance of the hospital.  He immediately said, "Do you know Bob? (Not his real name)"  I somehow know exactly who he meant, so I said, "Bob Smith?  He said, "YEAH, I live in his building!"  Well, it turns out that Bob was our pet sitter and friend for the last 9 years that we lived on Minna Street in South of Market.  It turns out my new mentor friend lives in the building right across the street from where I lived for 9 years.  In fact, he got placed in that building.  One of my friends here now is also being placed there.  Could I be placed there too?  Probably not, but wishful thinking.  I shouldn't be so negative!

It was nice being near the old hood at that game.  It was nice talking to my favorite nurse the whole game too.  She's not a big baseball fan either.  We talked about getting together for coffee sometime after I get out of drug rehab.  It's nice to know she is a new friend!  She is nice.  In fact, she is the one nurse who immediately got me TWO cold packs when I asked her if she could.  So, out of the four I have received now, she got me half of them.  Another one was from my physical therapist!

Speaking of my swollen ankles and that game, I did make sure I walked around that stadium for everything.  I was required to go in my wheelchair, but I parked it and used my cane once there!

 

I was hardly ever in my "seat".  I think it looks cool though with my back pack!  And it is Red like my team!



And see, I was wearing my favorite teams color - THE REDS!

 

That's the only photo of me.  Well, actually, I have two others, they just all happen to have my favorite nurse!  She really is just a great friend.  She just always has a cute pose for the camera!  I think it will be nice to have her as friend to pick up a coffee with now and then.  She is a great nurse!  Truly one of the best here.

 

I really need to just tell The Truth.  That matters so much.  I can't even remember what this blog is about.  I have so much ahead of me.  I want out of hear soon, yet I don't!  I'm a bit afraid of leaving too soon and what my future holds. 

I'll end this on a positive note.  One thing my future may hold again is something I have been so upset about losing the opportunity to do.  That's possibly be The Director of Photography for my friends film!  That would be so awesome.  It's not a done deal.  I would have to get a one night pass from this hospital so I could do the shoot one evening at the 16th and Mission Street Bart Station Plaza.  The fact that I can stand and maneuver some is what got us both thinking it might be possible.  I've been thinking that way for a few weeks.  We were on the phone today and he brought it up!  If I can just get a one night pass for starters!  I'm going to start getting it worked out Monday.  I'm told it's possible!

 

While my dark days have set many things in stone for me, my days with God have and will do the same.  I am grateful to be alive. It will be hard, but I have faith that it will be Good. 

 

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

When the curtain’s call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don’t want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide