Walk

A few blogs ago, I wrote how I had to start over, again and again and again.  This has been very true for me.  I have to admit however that so many things have changed for me these last couple times. 

Last time I  started over was divorced and homeless for the first time.  This time, I am those two things, plus I have a lot of physical issues to deal with.  I was so insane in my relapse  last time that I ended up attempting suicide by jumping off the 5th floor of a parking garage in San Bruno.
 


San Bruno Parking Garage

 
There it is.  I finally looked up an image the other day.  It's a long story why I ended up way down there,  15 miles from my apartment when I was insanely tweaking, but I did.  I often ended up miles away from home before I would start to become sane.  San Bruno Parking Garage is about 15 miles from where my home was.  I once ended up 40 miles from home. 

I'm pretty sure I jumped off the top of the other end so I wouldn't land on a pedestrian or a car.  I barely remember.  I was so insane.  I was hearing voices.  I so badly did not want to do it.  As far as why I had to see an image, it is because I will have to see it some day.  It is where BART and CalTrain stop when heading down the peninsula.  If I ever go to the San Francisco Airport again or simply head south down the peninsula using Highway 101, I will see it.    I just figured I'd get it over with.
 
I really want to get passed all of the bad things also.  I want to get into a rehab as this hospital is trying to help me do.  I have felt in the past that they may be rushing me a bit.  They see me improving in my physical abilities and my very positive and friendly attitude.  However, as I have pointed out in the past, I have other physical issues that worry me as much or even more that my walking abilities.  Falling that long distance and landing first on my left leg and then on my rear end created a lot of damage in both of those areas.
 
My rear end has a lot of nerve damage.  As I wrote in previous blogs, this is not an area that I am very comfortable discussing - with anyone!  I've had to discuss it more with my doctors recently, just so they know. 
 
Monday, my physical therapist said that she told them I would only need to be with her for 2 1/2 more weeks before I would be ready to move on!  That is so awesome!  I find it hard to believe, but it is so awesome!  It would basically mean that I would be walking again.   I am learning to walk again!  This fact brings such a different emotional feeling than what I was about to bring up before that I can't even understand anything.  My mind gets so confused and full of emotion that it brings tears to my eyes.
 
I have also been told I have brain damage since I hit my skull during that fall.  I don't want to get in to all of this too much, but I can't deny some of the things that happen to me in this area.  I see colors swirling around in circles and the words that I type disappear in and out of the screen.  It is so bizarre, but it may be all the drugs I'm on. I'm just kind of used to it.  This too brings up concern for my being exited from this hospital into a drug rehab program. 

Will I be able to take pain medication at one of these places.  I don't want to be on anything!  They have me on so much.  I can't even keep track.  Monday, I will discuss this with my doctor.  Or, actually, I'm told that Tuesday morning they will be discussing my amount of time here until I will be exited. 
 
I have so many concerns.  At the same time, I want out of here.  I love it here, but I'm in the hospital!   I want to get somewhere that I can begin making strides to get back into the real world.  Where do I begin?
 
I really am overwhelmed.  I am grateful to be alive.   To keep alive a moment at a time.  This I have been told so many times.  I am so grateful to be alive, however, I am concerned.  The last thing I can do is relapse - EVER!  The truth is, I'm dancing on my grave, I'm running thr0ugh the fire, forever, whatever, I never wanna to die. 

I use these lyrics from this Foo Fighter song so much because I can relate to it in my life.  In fact, I've used this song in a blog before.  I used it in Charlie and the Hot Chocolate Kids.  It was not the title, so I'll allow it.  It too is just so related to where I am at this point in my life, I just can't deny it.  I just LOVE this song!  It moves my soul!
 
I recently suggested people read Charlie and the Hot Chocolate Kids for some reason.  I think I know the reason.  It is a blog about my last journey into a rehab program.  Back then, I was so scared to go into a program.  Towards the end of that blog, I used this song.  It was the part where I was leaving that program and being told I was accepted there!  I was so amazed yet so nervous!  All I had to do was get to the place that I would have to detox first.  I was praying for a sign and I actually got one.  In the window was the name of the place I needed to got to get into detox - TAP.   I could not deny it was truly The Universe at work.   

The real story I felt back then about my life was that I truly was learning to walk again.  Even more important back then was the fact that I was learning to talk again!   I truly was speechless most of the time back then.  I just got that way.

So many things truly have changed since then.  I find it awfully coincidental that the song Walk seems so important at this point in my life once again.  The Truth about my life this time is I TRULY AM LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN!   It truly is time for me to try to get back into the real world.

I am so Grateful to have made it to the cane stage walking!

When I first went to the hospital, they thought I may not live.  I was in a coma for almost a month so I really don't remember those days of course.  I do remember them telling me I would not walk.  I was just grateful to be alive when they told me that.  I can't tell you good it feels to have come so far.  So many people here are amazed at my development.  For this I feel blessed.  Thank you God.

I want to stay positive in this blog, but last week I got SO SICK.  It took me out for a couple of days.  It also created problems with the issue I have long worried about.  This is my nerve damage.  It's really embarrassing so I'd rather not write about it.  It also brings tears to my eyes.  I get so confused about all this.  It is so hard for me.... During this blog, I have also had tears in my eyes for good reasons - LEARNING TO WALK AGAIN!  God, I am so grateful for this! 

It's not easy to do.  It does hurt.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to go without a cane.  I hope so.  I feel like I need some more time to develop my walking ability.  I definitely need more time for my other problem.  It may always be a problem.  I hope an pray not.  However, it may be my cross I have to bear.  I may also have mental issues I have trouble describing.  I've never found myself having this many tears in my eyes in my life.  I'm so confused.  It could be the medication.  It could be my brain damage.  It could be my true reality.  I never imagined my life would be all this.  I have made so many mistakes.  I have lost so many things. 

I lost the job I dreamed of for years that moved us across the country to live in our dream city.  The city where I proposed to Susan and the city we honeymooned.  I lost a business that was developed from my soul and was something that Susan and I both cherished.  We both love art and photography.  I have always had an entrepreneurial heart.  I lost my marriage to Susan who was my high school sweetheart and soul mate.   We met in art class.  All this is so hard for me to deal with right now while being in this hospital.  I nearly lost my LIFE because I relapsed so many times and went insane.  I attempted suicide. 

I just didn't want to hurt people anymore.   I felt that using all those years had always done just that - hurt people.   While I believe it was not Gods Will for me to attempt suicide, I believe it was Gods Will for me to survive.  My reason to do what I tried to do was insane but it was not selfish in my twisted thinking.  I was so tired of hurting people - especially in that parallel universe I existed.   That universe at times was so connected to the one I really existed I could not be denied for me. 

I believe it was Gods Will for me to live.  Part of the reason I wanted to post the photo of that garage in this blog is so others could see that it was a long drop.   The devil wanted me in hell and that is where I believed I was heading.  All of that is a longer story than I am able to tell right now.  It is all very real to me.  Thank you for keeping me alive God.  I do believe this is proof that we can all have a chance to do the right thing in this life and have a chance at existing in a beautiful Universe some day.  We should all know this.  No matter what happens in my life, I must always be grateful for another chance.  I've kind of had a few, but none like this.  This one has really changed me.  I hope it helps others some how some day!  I mean that so much.

I have started over so many times.  I'm honestly a little scared.  I'm sorry to say that, but I am.   That is The Truth.  I do know better.  I know I should have faith not fear.  Faith in God is so important right now. I am so overwhelmed right now.  I have so many things that I must figure out.  All of them are so important to me.  This is all so real.  Right now, one of them is so important to me.  I'm learning to walk again.  Can't you see I've waited long enough?  Where do I begin?

This Foo Fighters song means so much to me right now.  It has before too.  I love listening to it!  It's an awesome song and the lyrics just touch my soul.

A million miles away
Your signal in the distance
To whom it may concern
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Do you remember the days
We built these paper mountains
And sat and watched them burn
I think I found my place
Can't you feel it growing stronger
Little conquerors

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Now
For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind
Set me free again

To keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a riot
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first to climb another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I'm on my knees
I never wanna die
I'm dancing on my grave
I'm running through the fire
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I never say goodbye
Forever, whenever, forever, whenever

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough