Comfortably Numb

I am so tired right now.  I feel very good right now.  In my recent blogs, I have written about feeling sad or depressed.  I was certainly depressed recently.  I was also very concerned about moving on into the real world. 
 
I still am a little, but I got some of the best news recently.  My whole world has changed.  My fear and depression and worried days have been lifted in so many ways. 
 
A few days ago, I called one of my good friends who is a street artist.  I've known him for years.  He's a Kiwi. I love this guy.  He has always had a good head on his shoulders.  He has always tried to help keep me clean.  He has always been frustrated with me when I don't stay clean.  He was so nice to Susan.  He has always told me how it is.  He tells me The Truth.  That is what I need to hear. 
 
A few years ago he put together some storage spaces for street artists in a pier underneath the Bay Bridge.  It is only about 3 (flat and smooth) blocks from Justin Herman Plaza.  This is the large plaza by the Ferry Building.  Justin Herman plaza has been my preferred place to sell my photography for the last 8 years.  Last year, I only left Justin Herman Plaza because my storage unit closed at 6:00 and I had to start packing up at 4:00.  I decided to close my storage unit and go with my small display.  My small display kind of got lost at Justin Herman plaza, so I started selling at Fisherman's Wharf.  I was doing okay there until I relapsed.  I was at least paying the rent and saving a little money until then.  
 
Now, I'll be able to keep my large display in that storage space which has 24 hour access!  Justin Herman Plaza has two very busy selling times - lunch time and the end of the day between 4:00PM and 6:00PM.  Locals are heading to catch their ferry's home and tourist are on their way back to their rooms.  I'd say I use to make 75% of my money between 4:00PM and 6:00PM, back in the days when I had a van to store my stuff in  which enabled me to stay as long as I wanted.  Having a storage space a mile away that closed at 6:00 PM made things hard for me. 
 
Like I said, Fisherman's Wharf was paying the bills, but now it would be so hard to even load my small cart up and down stairs to an apartment every day.  I used to carry all my stuff up and down the steps to the second floor where I lived.   It was hard even when I was in great shape.  I also had to push my small cart a mile to get to any of my selling places.  I lived right in the middle of all three.  I chose Fisherman's Wharf most of the time because my small display fit in better their.  My small display got lost at Justin Herman Plaza.  Now I can use my large display and stay open until the final rush hour!
 
I am so grateful for this.  I am so glad that I chose to live in faith, not fear.  My Kiwi friend is such a good friend.  He even referred a fundraising opportunity for me on the street artists email.  He is now the street artist manager at Justin Herman Plaza!  It is a pretty major position to be voted into so this says a lot about him.
 
Physically, I have a way to go still, but I am on the right track.  I honestly don't think I'd ever be able to push a cart as far as I used to.  This storage is so close, I can take my time and it is open 24 hours! 

My next step is of course drug rehab.   I need it.  I will never use again, but I need it.  I have relapsed so many times when I have had so many reasons not to use again.  I have lost everything.  Everything.  I have nearly lost my life a few times.  This last time I even tried to make that happen.  Today, my orthopedic surgeon told me to jump from 10 stories next time instead of 5.  He said they were able to save my life from 5.  Well, fortunately, 5 was the tallest parking garage I could find that morning since I had walked 15 miles south of the city.  I of course thank him for saving my life - this time.  All of this silly talk aside, I will have to work a program of recovery for the rest of my life to live.

God is very good.  Evil never gives up on me.  I don't know why this is, but I believe it to be true.  It works in strange, sometimes biblical and long term ways.  It's plans unravel slowly and it's attempts to get me come at just the right times.  Times when I am down.  Or, times when I could use something to make me feel good.  It's only looking back at the past that I am able to see these things.  I have to look back quite a while to see how this darkness unfolded to bring me to where I am today.

All of what got me to where I am today unraveled so slowly, but I can look back and see it now.  Making good decisions is so important for me in life.  Having faith is so important.  Being 100% honest about my behavior and my life is the only way I will survive.  I'm not saying that I have to tell all details of my life to everyone.  My nerve damage creates painful and embarrassing issues for me.  It's not like I have to tell the world the details, but I do tell some people I trust and people who need to know, like my doctor.  

As I mentioned earlier, I was speaking to my orthopedic surgeon about it today and he showed me the x-ray of my pelvis area and how I shattered the bone in which all my nerves for urine and bowel movements are attached.  He said it may never completely heel.  My left arm for instance will never be able to be straightened.  It is stuck that way.  However, I don't have to catheterize myself any more at least.   It is all still so painful and time consuming for me.  Urinating is no easy task.  That's enough said about all that stuff I said I wouldn't get into.

My dark behavior created this.  Sexual behavior cannot happen for me either.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  I'm done.  I have to be.  I think that I will never be with a woman again.  I had my chance at my soul mate so many times.  I'm done.  

The nerve damage may play its part, but it is also something in my mind this time around.  Based on all I did sexually in the past, it may just have to be the cross I have to bear.  It could be a choice I'm making, who knows? 

Not to get into to may details again, but I will say that my area of my body that I use the restroom and contains my sexual organ of course, still has little feeling.  It is numb or tingles.  Sometimes it is even painful.  I think I landed on my rear end after a 50 foot fall and that created a lot of issues down there.  I have a lot of nerve damage.  Again, with the person I used to be, it may be the cross I have to bear.

How did this blog get this way?  It's suppose to be a happy good news blog!  My life is good.  I guess I just get confused about women.  I'm kind of afraid.  Shooting speed and having sex are so connected to me.  I don't know what more to say.  I still find myself so very attracted to women but I have to stay away from women for a long time at least.  I think I may have to forever.  Let me get off this subject.

My life has been so positive.  I have not used my wheelchair for a week.  I will likely never use it again!  The only possible time I may use it again is Thursday when I go help Richard make that film!  I am so excited to do that.  I am going to photograph all of these poets, actors and musicians for this documentary film Richard is making.  He wants some still shots in it.  Gina is also going to help.  Back when it looked like I would not able to help, Gina stepped up to do it. 

Gina and Richard have done so much for me!  I love them both.  It's funny, because before my incident they had never met.  I kept telling Gina, "You have to meet Richard!" and I kept telling Richard, "You have to meet Gina!"  Well, I guess the met.  It was not the best way for them to meet, but it just shows what great people both of them are that they came together to help me the way they both did.  They both did so much for me when I was in a coma. 

I photographed the musical Richard was in on Sunday.  He was in the musical The Fanatasticks.  It is so good.  I recommend seeing it if it is ever playing near you.  I'm pretty sure it plays in New York right now.   I read somewhere that it is the longest running musical on Broadway.  It was a great experience for me to photograph it. 

 

Richard was a few characters, including a pirate...

and an Indian.  His character was so much fun!

This is the cast.  I have posted many photos of the performance on my Facebook.  It's in my album under "The Fantasticks" of course.

I have put together a price sheet of photos of the musical for the actors, families of the actors and fans of the musical to purchase.  I met a nice lady whose daughter was in the musical and she is very interested in purchasing a photo.  I will matte and frame them upon request.

I have also been working very hard for the hospitals newspaper.  They are going to put my headshot in the next paper so it will be known that I am the photographer for the newspaper.  I hope that cop who tried to bust me photographing the fish tank sees it.  I imagine that I will not be here much longer, but I have told them that would like to volunteer at the hospital.  This will be a perfect way for me to do that.  I will come back on days when they are having big events and photograph them.

All of this I am doing is such great experience for me.  It's all such a resume builder.  I now have an opportunity to do what I love doing and am ready to start doing as soon as I am transitioning out of rehab.  I love being a street artist!  Now I can even go back to being this!!!!

As can be seen above, this was the photo I used the last time I was excited about getting back to work!  Now I can even use this display at Justin Herman Plaza!

I don't know when I will start again this time, but I am keeping up with all of my tax fees.  I've become so incredibly organized and on top of things since I've been here.  I just feel different about things these days. 

I believe that some day, my life will be good.  I always did pretty good as a street artist.  I could just never stay clean!  The times when I stayed clean, my business always grew.  In some ways, I have lately been acting as if I'm back in business.  I'm organizing my business responsibilities.  I'm even preparing some new photos to be sold.  I'm creating files to be the exact size that will be printed.  For instance, I am turning them into jpegs that are 8x10's, 11x14's and 3.5x5's for my greeting cards on my computer. 

I already have many photos that sell while I'm out there.  Now that I have time on my hands in this hospital, I am going back through the recent years and looking for some more.  Or, I am trying to take some more.  I think that I have some wonderful nature scene opportunities from up on this little mountain.  These shots will especially be nice on greeting cards. 
 
I will also sell prints of my art that I have been drawing and painting!  I never really thought I could do that again, but I can to some degree.  I have some created nice opportunities.

As you can see, I have this photo I drew with pastels already prepared to be printed on an 8 1/2" X 11" sheet of photo paper.  I print it and then cut out to be 3 1/2" X 5"and paste them on note cards.  This is a photo I took last fall while in Bernal Heights Park.  It just has another stem in front of it in the actual photo.

 


See?  My art teacher suggested I Photoshop it out.  I thought about it, but that is just not the type of Photoshop work I like to do.  I figured I could just try to recreate it.  Who knows, now that I am better at Photoshop, I may try.  It's not as if the scene didn't happen.



 

Here is one that I did Photoshop a little bit.  This is something new for me to do.  I kind of like it in this one.  Not sure if others will like it, but really do.  One of my friends saw it on Facebook and said it reminded her of The Matrix. 

This one is not Photoshopped.  I just love the way I brought these Market Street skyscrapers together by the angle in which I chose to put the camera at the base of the corner of a Market Street building.

I'm not sure if I'll print this one.  I used one of my photos that I sell a lot of to draw it.  I struggled with this powdery type of pastel.  I seem to prefer the oily ones.

 

Here is the shot.  I should have used a wider piece of paper.  I could have done some more with the Bay Bridge to the right.  I sell a few of this one.

 

I used one of my photos for this one. I've never actually tried to sell it.  I will print this one to try to sell.  I did it with pencil.

Well, I'd have to get some special size photo paper and mattes, but it would likely sell.  That or I could use the original print and sell it as an 8X10 or 16X20.  I think I'll start with the drawing.



I kind of like this one too.  I was my first pastel I did since I was in high school.  I did use oil pastels.  The original has so much texture.  My art teacher loves it.  I did not draw it from a photo.  I just made it up.    The first person who saw it gave it a name - "Sky".



One thing I have discovered in this hospital is that I do have some of my old artistic abilities back.  I think they may continue.  I may have to get rescreened by the San Francisco Arts Commission to be able to sell them.  I don't mind.  I'll go in there and draw something in front of the committee to prove I can. 

I'll tell you something of mine that has really improved since I've been here is my artistic computer skills.  Especially my Photoshop skills.  I actually prefer Nikon NX2 for simple photo improvements.  I especially love it for it's organizational management of photos.  That's important when one takes thousands of photos.  I highly recommend NX2.  It is a free download.  Click here to download it.   Since I am the photographer at this hospital, I was given a copy of Photoshop 7.0.1.   That is so cool.  It cost over $100.00 and I do love it.  However, I use NX2 more.  It's great for a photographer.  It's made my Nikon.  I still appreciate being given that software.

I have also been practicing the guitar quite a bit lately.   I usually play guitar out on the patio so I don't bother any one.  Tonight it was so windy that I came into the dining room to play.  Everyone loved it.  Especially the nurses.  They were dancing as they prepared every ones drugs.  Sounds like a party, huh?  They tell me all day long how great I am doing by walking and how great I look when I walk.  That's the last thing I needed was more compliments for something else!  There is an organ/piano in the dining room.  My next door neighbor plays piano.   He's kind of new at it, but he knows the chords. 

Tonight, he asked me if I knew any Pink Floyd songs.  I do.  Of all songs to ask me if I knew, I know Comfortably Numb very well.  It is a song I have related to quite a bit over they years.  I have watched The Wall so many times.  I watched it when I was young all the time.  In recent years past, I even watched it while I was tweaking in my room with all the lights off.   

After he asked me if I knew it, I played the guitar and sang and as I switched chords, I yelled out what the next chord was going to be.  Eventually, he kind of caught on, but it helped if I yelled out the chords.  It ended up sounding pretty good.  It was nice to "jam" with someone.

It is an awesome song.  It is song that I can relate to so much.  It's about a guy shooting up.  I love that movie, The Wall.  As I said, years ago, when I was in high school I watched it all the time.  Back then, I was realized it was anti war movie.  I saw it on for the bigger picture back then.  It was a good vs. evil.   I knew war was wrong and hurt people!   I never really saw the personal level so closely where the kid grew up in mental pain as a result of the war and he grew up without his dad.  Later in life, he became a rock star, a drug addict, had issues with women, went crazy and then went to the dark side himself.  In the end, he comes back to the good.  I think in some ways I am this guy.  I have never actually been a rock star, but I sure have partied like one.  As I said earlier, that dark side will never give up on me.  It hasn't yet.  This is hard for me to understand. 

I have been feeling so grateful and so good lately.  I'm ready to move on with life.  I do want to take it slow however.  Believe it or not, I am learning to do something I have always needed to do in life.  I am learning how to walk at a snails pace.   I guess in some ways, I don't really have a choice lately.  Learning how to walk on that cane really matters to me.  If I go slow and think, I can walk very close to normal.  Speeding up causes me to limp and stumble.   It's never good to limp and stumble.  It is those times that I end up falling.

Slowly.... Surely.... Slowly.... Surely.... Thank you God.  I get it.

Everyone in this hospital tells me I am a miracle.  Sometimes I feel bad for all of the other patients here who are not making as much progress as me.  I do feel good of course.  I had a nurse earlier today remind me of my early days here.  I was unable to move my entire body.  I was in so much pain 24 hours a day.  No one thought I would walk again.  Or, even be "normal" again.  Early on, they treated me as if my brain damage were permanent.  Times were so hard for me 3 months ago.  If I keep getting better, that is a miracle too!

I really do like this song.  It does not represent where I am today, but it definitely represents how I used to feel.  It was once a way my life really was.  I remember being crashed out and when the only thing that got me going again was another hit.  Years ago, I would go to people feeling so down.   I would be so exhausted.  I didn't even have a word to say.  I just put my head down and rolled up my sleeve.  That was the days before I hit myself.  It was really even like that once I did learn to hit myself.  That was so many years ago.   I remember those days.  It huts me to think of them.

Everyone of these words ring true to how I would feel before I used.  

Come on now, I hear your feeling down, Well I can ease the pain, get you on your feet again. Relax, I'll need some information first, Just the basic facts, Can you show me where it hurts?

 

 

Hello,
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?

Come on
Now
I hear you're feeling down
I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again

Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move
But I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like
Two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain
You would not understand
This is not how I am

I... Have become comfortably numb

O.K.
Just a little pin prick
There'll be no more aaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick

Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working
Good
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on
It's time to go

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move
But I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I... Have become comfortably numb