About a month ago, I wrote how I was up to 10,000 hits. Now, I am 7 hits away from 11,000 - whatever that means. It means I need to be more grateful. It's not like I'm not, I just feel numb and overwhelmed. I don't even know how to begin. I guess with another blog. Perhaps I should start one....
Here we go. My brain feels so.... I don't even know. I don't know what to say or how to begin. I have recently made a couple of sales and likely have more on the way. The problem for me is my problems I created in the past for starters.
A few months ago, on my first great "outing" in a very long time, I believe it was on San Bruno Mountain, it all began. I think it was on Christmas Eve. I was not that high up in the mountain, because I could here people talking and kids playing. I was trying to get as high up as I could so I could be in a secluded place - as instructed. It's the first night I realized that "they", as in "the dark side" were able to get to me. "They" could consume into the ground if I would just "lay still" as they ordered me to over and over. I was just so afraid of where I was heading.
I can't imagine anyone looking forward to going to hell. I sure wasn't. Still, I was insane already and no longer wanted to hurt people. I had a pocket knife on my key chain. I tried to cut my wrist, but it was way to dull and I was way to unwilling. The devil was not happy. Didn't I just write how I needed to be more responsible in my writing?
I do. I am grateful to be alive. And, that insane occurrence on Christmas Eve occurred! I say that because I want people to know that even though I was on drugs, that really was "real". I don't know how to prove it. Nor do I need to prove it. The Truth for me is that it is The Truth for me. If I prove such a thing, I sure would like to be heading in the other direction - not hell!
Perhaps I am. I guess my whole point about that "occurrence" is that I lost my keys. I also lost my phone! It had so many peoples numbers. Two of them that I missed just got in touch with me a couple of days ago. Both of them were in the drug rehab program I was a few months ago. One of them stopped by. The other one called the hospitals front desk and left a message - on the same day! Talk about a coincidence! I've said it before, there is no such thing as a coincidence.
One of the two guys is doing well. He works for City Church, which I like to attend. He told me I had to start attending again and become a member soon! He said they "take care of there own there." I do believe in that church - a lot. I don't want to rely on them to help me work or find a place to live, but he made it sound as though they could help in those departments.
It's not as though I'm not willing and trying to get back to my old way of taking care of myself as a street artist. In fact, yesterday I went to my storage units and looked for everything I need to make the sales I recently made. I found all but two of them. It was hard for me since I wasn't the one who packed it away. I was in a coma and my amazing friends did it for me. They did a great job, but I still had to pick up and move many things. The only thing I could not find in my one storage spaces was my 4x6 inch photo paper. That is obviously an awfully small box of paper to find. I did find everything else like the larger paper, matte boards, paper cutter, Photoshop 6 elements, etc....
I was not able to get into my other storage unit because I lost those keys back on Christmas Eve. I bought a hack saw, but was unable to work it. I think that was because I didn't have the proper screwdriver AND, I was exhausted. I attempted to do it after I found my other things. Finding them took so much moving things around for a couple of hours. This really hurt my back!
I also learned of a locksmith that is $60.00. So much more than I can afford, however, at least one of my sales is for $60.00 to cover it. The other sale is for $150.00! That one should take care of me for the next many months - as long as I get into a rehab that is.
Which reminds me, my other friend from that program is in a homeless shelter. He lost his job. He went back to the program we were in, but he relapsed, so now he's now in a homeless shelter.
Speaking of relapse, my dear friend who was going to help me get my things from my storage shelter and bring them here relapsed. He had 2 years clean! I hate this disease. Just writing about this brings tears to my eyes. It chokes me up. It's time for lunch....
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Lunch is over. Where was I? Oh yeah, my friend relapsed. He was going to help me get my printer, paper, mattes, and frames together and bring them here since I made those sales. Unfortunately, I am now on my own. I have another friend who may help me if she can. I'm waiting to hear from her right now. Yesterday, I went and did all I could. The one thing I was unable to accomplish was getting that storage space open that has the frames I need. I need to get into that storage some day, some how anyway.
I'm going to call the locksmith right now. Be right back....
Well, I guess they are going to call me right back. I just hope it is $60.00. I also hope that Lowes takes back the hack saw and blades I bought. I really might have been able to do it if removing and changing the blades weren't so complicated. I bent it up a little trying. I hope they take it back. It was $11.00. The extra blades I bought were $3.19 plus tax.
I just imagined myself on my way to a Grateful Dead concert for some reason. It could be that I just put on a t-shirt that I purchased in 1995 after Jerry died. I don't know. My brain is so messed up. The steal your face on my shirt has tears in it's eyes. So do I now. Susan always knew how to make laundry last. My god, this shirt is 18 years old! I'm so messed up. I get so depressed so easy. I can't help it. I can't change the past.
My brain is not a good thing. I don't mean to sound negative, but I think that it is 100% necessary that I am Truthful. Using drugs will destroy most human beings to some degree. I hope that some how people learn this from this blog some how and that it will save some ones life or happiness or security or wellbeing or future or anything and everything drugs steal.
Speaking of my one friend from the program who called me. I may have already said, but he is currently in a homeless shelter. Based on my meeting with my doctor and nurses and hospital personnel this morning, that may be where I am heading. I will write about this more in a bit. I was just invited by my favorite hospital personnel here to join in on a ceramics class. I'll Be back in a few. I am going to exercise afterwards. I am allowed to do personal physical therapy at 3:00 PM everyday. I might as well utilize it while they let me. I'll, "no longer need to be in the hospital" as my doctor put it this morning. I'll be back in few. These days are hard. I mean that.
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Okay, where was I? Who knows. I feel so numb. I feel depressed. Why? I just messed up I guess. I am so overwhelmed. I should calm myself down. I'm getting help tomorrow. I am meeting the locksmith tomorrow at either 2:00 or 3:00. I originally scheduled to meet at 2:00, but my friend who is going to help me said she could not be there until 4:00 or 5:00, so I just called and left a message asking if they could meet me at 3:00. This will give me a little more time. I plan on going to Lowes to hopefully return that saw. I did not use it, but I did bend it up a tiny bit just trying to remove two of the saws so I could get to one. It was so complicated. Now, I can't even get the twisty thing on. Okay, it's 3:00. They just called and said that time was fine. Oh, and by the way, this is me being a "locksmith".
(MISSING PHOTO)
Great. I can't even post the photo I just took on here. Man, I am so overwhelmed with so much I can't even begin to tell you. I am fucking crying right now! I can't take this. I mean it! There is just so much right now! GOD! Please! This hurts me so bad.
The simplest little things. It's got to be evil. I mean that. My computer is messing up so bad. I have said for years, evil always finds a way into my computer. I have said for years, evil has never given up on me. I know I sound insane, and it's because I feel it right now. My life goes this way. Just when things kind of go my way, these crazy little glitches start to appear.
My doctor discussed "plan B or plan C" in my meeting this morning. I know plan B is putting me in a homeless shelter. Perhaps her "Plan C" is my moving back to Cincinnati. I love my family and friends there and might even want to move back there some day, but now is not the time! The thing is, I put the ball in there hands a few weeks ago. I love this hospital, but it always moves slow on everything. I have yet to hear from a drug rehab center to discuss my issues. I'm just enjoying the time I have here. The truth is, I need it! I am in SOOOOO much pain at night. One of those green sleeping mats on top of those metal drawers at a homeless shelter will not be something that won't have me screaming my head off all night. I do that now in this bed that adjust to my body's pain.
I really need to calm down. My friend is helping me tomorrow complete something I already began. I will have to do what I am doing some day - eventually. Thankfully, I will be able to make some money and get heading back in the right direction soon. Actually, that does feel good. I really am very manic these days. I go from, fear to tears to a little bit of pride and feeling better. I must never, ever forget that I must always be grateful to be alive. I'm pretty sure I was heading to a bad place if my suicide attempt was successful - possibly forever. I wholeheartedly believe it to be God's Will that I survived.
I made all this hard on me. I lost my keys. I broke my last computer. This one is working okay. I don't get it. It's brand new! I do a lot on it, but it's just giving me little problems in all the wrong places. The truth is, as long as it prints those photos I sold on my printer tomorrow, I'll be okay. The rest of the stuff is just.... I don't really know. For instance, why can I not place a photo I just took on this blog. I do that all the time! It's such a simple procedure.
STILL! I just tried again. It even completely shuts down windows now! Something is really up. These "little" issues keep arising. It's just a computer. This computer is a big part of my life seeing as though I am a digital photographer. I was simply trying to.... STOP! I am not going on and on about all these "little" things it won't let me do. I'm just confused. I am a little worried.
My ranting and raving about evil never giving up on me, well, I can't deny that. I've lost so many battles. As long as I help us win the war, then that's it. I must win my war. Why is my life like this? I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound so pathetic. It's just the way things go for me. I wrote song years ago called, Sonny Days Ahead. Some of the verses go:
There are constant battles, Good doesn't always win.
I just hope I win my battle and help us all get in.
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| That photo from above! Can you tell I've had a couple of frustrating days? I'm Sorry! My goodness, it looks like I'm crying! LOL. I bet I look awful when I do cry! |
I hope I can get another copy of Photoshop 7. I have the case that my Photoshop Elements 6 came in now. I found it while at my storage bin yesterday. I also found the proper disc for my Nikon Picture Project 1.5, which is actually the product that came out before NX2. I got the disc when I bought my Nikon D50.
I really would be fine with my original two disc that I purchased. In fact, I like them even better because I am so used to them. However, it appears as though they are not compatible with Windows 8, which my new computer has. I could see how new software would not work on an old computer, but I can't see how old software does not work on a new computer - operating system that is. It makes no sense.
My goodness, I have no idea how I lost all these programs. It's not huge deal because they are free. In fact, it does appear as though I have managed to save two of my most important ones - OpenOffice and NX2. Now, if I can only get Photoshop 7 back. Tomorrow is an art class day. I will go up in the morning and ask him if I can borrow the disc again.
Then, I am going to my storage unit and my friend is going to meet me there to help me bring my printer to the hospital so I can print these photos and make these sales! And, oh yeah, even though I lost all my programs, I didn't lose any files! THANK GOD!
You know what? These past couple days have been really hard. But I never really lost faith. I know evil took its shot at me again today, but now that it's all over, I almost feel like evil simply managed to play its part in God's world. The Bible even makes references to how evil will in some ways help God. Or, help people find God or have more faith in God.
My heart feels warm right now. My bed is so comfortable right now. I have a lot ahead of me, but it will continue to work out. I must stay faithful ALL THE TIME! ALL THE TIME!!!! Some times are hard, I will admit. I'll make it.
God is always trying to help me. I made things SOOOO hard this time. I really dug myself deep. I have said that before and it is true. I put myself in a huge predicament that will be hard to get out of. The only way out is God's way. Period. Help is on the way. I must never forget that. I hope this blog is a little bit of clear evidence to how God works. I didn't see it coming this way today. Thank you God. I love you. We sure are going to have a good tomorrow. I can't wait to hop on the MUNI bus towards my storage unit!
Paradise waits, on the crest of a wave, her angels in flames.
She has no pain, like a child she is pure, she is not to blame.
Poised for flight, wings spread bright, spring from night into the sun.
Dont stop to run, she can fly like a lie, she cant be outdone.
Tell me the cost; I can pay, let me go, tell me love is not lost.
Sell everything; without love day to day insanitys king.
I will pay day by day, anyway, lock, bolt and key.
Crippled but free, I was blind all the time I was learning to see.
Help on the way, well, I know only this, Ive got you today.
Dont fly away, cause I love what I love and I want it that way.
I will stay one more day, like I say, honey its you.
Making it too, without love in a dream it will never come true.
She has no pain, like a child she is pure, she is not to blame.
Poised for flight, wings spread bright, spring from night into the sun.
Dont stop to run, she can fly like a lie, she cant be outdone.
Tell me the cost; I can pay, let me go, tell me love is not lost.
Sell everything; without love day to day insanitys king.
I will pay day by day, anyway, lock, bolt and key.
Crippled but free, I was blind all the time I was learning to see.
Help on the way, well, I know only this, Ive got you today.
Dont fly away, cause I love what I love and I want it that way.
I will stay one more day, like I say, honey its you.
Making it too, without love in a dream it will never come true.
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