I have been divorced for two years, however, those first two were really hard to exist in. I mean I was shooting meth and homeless or in a shelter or in a rehab or couch surfing or re-starting a business and having to work really hard at restarting my business to pay my rent. Finally, I did relapse and that was simply insane. Those times were hard.
I guess that being in this hospital has given me lots of time to think - and be alone. I keep myself very, very busy here, but there is a lot of down time. It seems that recently, most of that down time I have been sad. I cry a lot - by myself of course. Well, my roommate is on the other side of the curtain, but he is not really all together. He makes lots of crazy noises. He is also Chinese and doesn't speak much English. We wave to each other and are friendly to each other, but that's about it.
I guess my existences in the past were always so crazy. I always had to be "on the lookout." I mean on the street, I always had to be aware of what was going on around me for obvious reasons. In the shelter, there were also people that were always looking to start something or take something. And, who can forget "Rudy" in the last program I was in. He was always trying to fight me. In fact, he was the person who got me into the office just before I was kicked out of that program and I believe in some ways played a part in my being exited. It's a much longer story and it's long term result led me to where I am today.
You know, since I was young, I have believed that there has always been "something" after me. Something dark. I know I wrote about it years ago, but there was something incredibly strange occurring in my universe when I was young. There was a "black van" that would not leave us alone when I was really young.
We lived on 5 acres in Morrow. The house was identical to the one my family lives in today in Loveland. My dad help build both of them. They are both bi-levels. Our home was broken into frequently. Our dog was poisoned. Our windows were always busted out. My dad kept many guns and would sometimes hide in the weeds out back and then chase the "black van" away by shooting the guns in the air! One time, my dads guns were stolen and then found out our church next door.
Years later, when I was having such a hard time with my addiction, Susan knew how messed up I was and wanted to know, "What Happened?" My dad told her. As a result, I learned more about what it really was. I learned The Truth. The Truth confuses and hurts me so bad to this day, that I still can't share it with others. I usually share my truths, but this one involves others. It's so hard for me to even think about it. It confuses me.
Years later, things got so dark and crazy for me again and my little brother started talking about a "black van" that kept coming around. I knew something was up. Something very bad. My dad died a couple months later.
There is so, so, so much more to all of that that I just wrote. It hurts me to even think about it. I mean I have tears in my eyes now. My life has been so far from normal. All that stuff is on realities side. My existence for the last nine years has been so insane. The Voices were so hard to understand. All of the things I have seen out here.... Things I saw at Lands End. The Presidio. Ocean Beach. All those years. All those things!
Even now, this guy won't let up on me - in this hospital. I've known he was crazy. He walks around talking to himself. I wrote about him in my last blog and how he keeps coming into my room and asking me why I'm here. He has also ram sacks my room when I'm not in it. He has grabbed my clothes and threw them all over my room. Yesterday, he came and asked, "Are you comfortable?" I said, "Yes". He then said, "I wouldn't get too comfortable". Later in the night he came in and closed the door and said, "This is not your room...." Finally, the last time, he came in, closed my door and said, "What in the #%&^ are you doing in my room. GET OUT!" I said, "YOU GET THE #%&^ OUT! This is my room!" He did. I then went to the office and told them that I was not going to take this guy threatening me. It was one thing for him to come in and be confused, but to start threatening me is a whole other story!
Sister is outside. She just yelled, "HELP!". They are telling her to say her hail marries.
I'm just so depressed. I feel like I probably belong here. I mean, it is a place for the physically ill, but most of us aren't really "all there" either. They say that I am. I think I am. I so badly want my life back. I was so close to having it. I ruined it by relapsing. I've done that SO many times! I love being a street artist. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to be one again. Maybe someday. Perhaps I'll get a job.
I have a little job! I am the newspaper photographer for the hospital. Oh yeah, I almost got busted for that the other night! It was so ridiculous. It was a beautiful night. I went upstairs to get some great shots of the fog rolling over the trees. I also photographed the old hospital. As I came in off the balcony, a nurse started telling me I was not allowed to take photos of patients. I hadn't been, but I am of course asked to photography events here all the time! I just left. I went down a few floors and started photographing the fish tank. I guess she called the police.
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| This is the old hospital. |
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| This is the new one that I live in. |
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| This is one of the trees in the fog outside on the little mountain. |
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| These are the fish I got busted photographing. I guess I didn't have their permission. |
The Director of Communications who runs the newspaper even wants me to give her a head shot so she can put it in the next edition of the newspaper. Perhaps I should take it to that cop and show him it. I have seen him a couple of times since.
I love taking photos. I have even agreed to be a volunteer for this hospital as a photographer when I am no longer here. It's not as if I'll be around much longer if they have it their way! I am grateful for this place and did offer to do this. It will be good for me.
"Help Lady Look!", is what I just heard Sister yell. "Help, Help, Lady, Look, Lady, Lady Look!"
I want out of here! I'm sorry. I do love it here, but I need to get on with life. My next stop won't be much better. It is where I do need to be. Why does "someone" always mess with me. ALWAYS! Not sister of course, she listens to me and likes me. I like her. Perhaps that's it. Most people like me. This turns the dark side against me. This crazy guy here just happened to step into my room a few days ago. I don't think he has ever really seen me.
All the nurses are so proud of me. They always praise me when they see me walking. This makes me smile right now. I feel so good right now. I guess I'm manic. Most people here are proud of me. So many of us patients are in physical therapy being taught how to walk again, yet I am the only one who walks while upstairs on our floor. It's kind of sad. I really don't want to make people envy me. I don't want to hurt people's feelings. However, some of them refer to physical therapy as "the torture chamber." I guess I've always worked out and enjoy it. No pain, no gain!
"Help, help, help." Poor sister. I pray for her a lot. "Help! HEEELLLPPP!!" These are her words right now. I feel sorry for her. I actually even felt sorry for the tall skinny crazy guy who threatened me last night. I mean, I told the front desk about him before he did that, but I also prayed for him. I still do, but I really hope they get him off this floor. His behavior is getting worse and worse and darker and darker. I hate to say it, but that is the pattern that has come after me in the past. I mentioned his behavior to the front desk today and they told me that he would no longer be on this floor. We'll see.
I mean, 95% of the darkness that has come upon me has been personally derived. Well, that may be the case lately at least. It may have been a completely different percentage when I was young. That darkness might have been more to blame from something. It may have been 95%. That's the way darkness works, isn't it?
Good will always win. Always. I have got to stay on the wining side. It's so important. SO, SO important. It almost got me. Man, it almost got me. Thank you God. God gives me so many chances. I love God. I mean that. I mean, I have no idea what God is or how God works. I'm not here to preach anything really, but I have to say that I can NEVER deny God. I mean that. I may get really confused about God, but I can never deny God.
I have certainly known of God's existence and still chosen the wrong thing to do. Over and over and over and over and over and over SO MANY TIMES, that it has brought me here. I have lost so, so, so much. SO much. However, I am alive. I am alive. I am alive. I am alive. Thank you!
Sister just said, "Let's go now, we'll see it." I wonder what sister thinks we'll see?
Oh yeah, I have four months clean today. I am so grateful for that. It's strange for me. My "birthday", as many in recovery call their clean date, will always be the day that I attempted suicide. Seems hard to get too happily worked up over, huh? I've hurt my life. I have made so many bad decisions. I have learned of so many things beyond even my understanding at least, but I have nothing.
As long as I stay clean and believe in God, my life will get better, but my past mistakes have brought me to hard place to live. I don't mean to be so down about things. I have been given so many chances. I have failed at many. I will not fail at this one. I will embrace it. I made things tough, but I will dream another dream. It's almost dinner time. I am going to walk around the big hospital block! I believe I am finally heading in the right direction. I hope and I pray. Sorry if this blog wasn't very inspiring. I have to be honest about the way I feel. My head is a little messed up right now.
I have to admit, that my favorite part of my day is physical therapy at 1:00. Hey, Sister just yelled, "LET'S PRAY!" That's better sister. Anyway, at the end of each of my sessions, I get to ride a stationary bike and I have been riding a stationary bike! I love it. Yesterday, I started listening to my MP3 player I used to run with. I listened to Van Halen, 5150. I can't tell you how great it felt to hear the song Dreams. In fact, it's almost dinner time. I'm going to do a lap walking with my cane and I'm going to start by listening to that song! I do love that I'm alive.
(Walk & Dinner over)
Well as I took my lap I saw my crazy, tall, skinny "friend" at the end of the hall. I guess he's still on this floor. I'm sure he asked not to be moved. I have always been able to do this, but always let them move me because someone else needs the room I'm in. It's a long story. Anyway, his being at the end of the hall didn't stop my walking exercise plan. By time I got to the end I originally saw him, he had walked out on the patio. I'm not going to say anything except for in this blog right now, but they sure have never had a problem moving me all over this hospital on a moments notice. I've been in six rooms!
Oh yeah, the whole reason I wanted to write some more is because I realized during that beautiful song that my physical therapist gave me an order today - "Park the Wheelchair!" I can't tell you what that means to me. It means a lot of pain, but it means a lot of glory. I promise I'll do my best to NEVER sit in that wheel chair again. It will sit where it is. The hardest part will be the morning, but I think I can do it! I pray I never need a wheelchair again!
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| I wheelchair is an amazing tool for someone who cannot walk. I was so grateful to get out of my bed and into that wheelchair! I am so grateful that I will likely not be necessary for me continue to use it. I will always pray for those in which a wheelchair is necessary. This includes many of my new friends. |
Oh yeah! I have something else so incredibly exciting to share! Something that I was so upset with myself for not being able to partake in. My good friend who is a filmmaker wanted me to be director of photography for an awesome film he is making. I blogged about it a long time ago, before my "incident".
As a result of my "incident", we both figured I couldn't do it. Well, the timing seems to have worked out right for us. The ten year anniversary of the event he is making the film about is next Thursday! Miraculously, I am walking with a cane which makes me very mobile. Not fast, but this will probably be a good thing for what I will need to do as a photographer.
I am allowed to get a night pass! I am so happy just writing about it! I can't wait to do it! Oh my God, this makes me so happy. I have GOOD tears in my eyes!
I may have to use my wheelchair to get from Richard's home to the 16th and Mission Bart Station Plaza a few large blocks away. This is where this event has taken place every Thursday night for the past ten years. I'm sorry if I have to use the wheelchair "physical therapist". I know I was told to "park it", but it will be worth it. I will keep it parked at the hospital, I promise! However, it may be too long for me to walk there and then have to walk around the event for a couple hours.
The event is poetry, art, music, spoken word.... Many of the people who go to my old favorite hang out, Brainwash, also go there - to this event! I miss Brainwash. I can't wait until next Thursday. I can't wait to get my life back! I am. I am.
This past Sunday, I photographed the Musical Richard is in. He is SO awesome! I love Richard! He has been so good to me and he is an amazing actor and a great filmmaker! I am so grateful to be a part of this. Words cannot describe it. It's the "help" I owe Richard! He helped me move into my place in North Beach. He helped me get my street artist business going again AND he moved my stuff from my place in North Beach to my storage unit when I was in a coma. He is an amazing friend. He also approved me to use his name in my blog a while back. Way before he became so amazing to me!
Life is getting better. I have a long ways to go. I will find a job in San Francisco to hold me over until I can be a street artist again. I will likely look for other types of work. I sure enjoyed photographing The Fantasticks that Richard was in.
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| She is obviously beautiful. She is a great actor and she has a beautiful voice! |
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| Richard is such a great actor! |
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| This was one of my favorite scenes. I got some great shots during it also! |
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| I'm going to the musical again on Sunday with another one of my friends. I look forward to it. I REALLY look forward to next Thursday night! |
Oh yeah:
So baby dry your eyes. Save all the tears you've cried....
World turns black and white
Pictures in an empty room
Your love starts fallin' down
Better change your tune
Yeah, you reach for the golden ring
Reach for the sky
Baby, just spread your wings
We'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind
Run, run, run away
Like a train runnin' off the track
Got the truth bein' left behind
Falls between the cracks
Standin' on broken dreams
Never losin' sight, ah
Well just spread your wings
We'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind
So baby dry your eyes
Save all the tears you've cried
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
'Cause we belong in a world that must be strong
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
Yeah, we'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
Higher and higher
Leave it all behind
Oh, we'll get higher and higher
Who knows what we'll find?
So baby dry your eyes
Save all the tears you've cried
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
Oh baby, we belong in a world that must be strong
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
And in the end on dreams we will depend
'Cause that's what love is made of
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