Sister Luck

I learned a couple of days ago that that my doctors, nurses, psychologists and social workers would be meeting this morning about me.  I knew it would be about my exit date and I planned to attend.  Yesterday, it became very clear.  I had at least four people approach me about my leaving and my plans. 
 
I know how my brain damaged forgetful mind works, so I wrote a letter that I thought I might be able to read to them in the meeting.  At worst, I felt I could at least make copies for each person in the meeting.  There are nine people.  I made that many copies of course.   
 
I went to the meeting and a few of them gave a report on how  I was doing.  All of the reports were good.  I'm of course glad, but it did of course mean that I am not really going to be eligible to be in the hospital soon. 
 
I want to move on so badly, but I do still have some issues.  At the end of the meeting and for a very little time during the meeting, I was given a few moments to state some of my health concerns.  In the end it was made clear by my doctor pretty much what she came with the intentions of making clear.  That I was eligible to be in the hospital for about 2 1/2 more weeks.  I was given permission to give all who attended my two sheet paper I wrote.  I'm glad I at least wrote it.  I hope some read it. 
 
It probably won't change much either way.  I really hope my physical condition improves.  I've been in bigger messes in many ways as I have been starting drug rehab programs, that's for sure.  Mentally, I have been so insane!  One time I was at detox and the people knew every word the voices in my head spoke.  They even joined in!  They hated me as much as the voices did.  They, IN REALTY, made that so clear.  I, of course, had no choice but to sit there and let them verbally pound me since I was in detox.  After all, that detox is right next door to a huge park that I had shot up in many nights and went insane in.   This means  the voices were keeping all of them awake those times.  They let me know this.   It won't be like that, but, I still fear that my physical health is going to be slow to come. 
 
I am living by The Truth.  I love and trust God.  What I have to do is what I have to do.  I put myself where I am.  In some ways, it will be harder on me than most, but that's my fault.  I have done all I can to improve my physical health, well-being and future. 

I was told that it is time that I start talking to rehab programs so I could be excepted before I had no where else to go.  I was told by my doctor that they could at least put me in a homeless shelter.  I've been in those before.  I survived them before.  People probably would give me some sympathy for my handicaps.  There are some good people in those.  Last time I was in one, I shot up all the time.  In some ways, this didn't make me one of them. THAT WOULD NOT HAPPEN THIS TIME. 

Below is the letter I wrote:
 

David Beaty

21A Level PM

I am a patient at (This) Hospital. I am very grateful for this wonderful facility. However, The Truth is that I am overwhelmed with so many things that I have asked someone to be here with me and help me with my crucial decisions that may literally determine whether I live or die.

Recently I was introduced to The Mentor program at (This) Hospital. I just happened to be sitting next to a gentleman one evening who got here the same way I did and suggested this program to me. The gentlemen who has offered to be with me said he could be here at 8:15AM. Is it possible for us to wait a few minutes for him to arrive or is it possible for you guys to review another patient until he arrives? 

I did not speak to him until the end of yesterday when I began realizing there were so many possible decisions I may have to make about my leaving here and signing up for a rehab facility. I have recently been introduced to some other rehab possibilities and hope to review them. 

I was not wanting to sign up for programs suggested by (This) Hospital if it meant that I would have to leave to one of them upon their space availability. As far as I have come physically and as much as I look forward to moving on with my life, I find it extremely important that I do not rush out of here or make any mistake in my decisions. I have so many physical and perhaps mental conditions that I would like to address.

Last week I was extremely sick. I have been concerned about my nerve damage and the issues it creates with my going to the restroom. Specifically when I am trying to have a bowel movement . My ultimate fear did come true. I had a severe and humiliating accident in the middle of the night. This was Thursday night. It really set me back emotionally and mentally. Since then, I have not had a bowel movement. I just want to bring these issues up because I know on the outside I look healthy. I really do try to have a positive attitude.

With all this said, I guess below are some questions I have:

Will my new rehab be able to accommodate restroom issues. Will it allow for privacy, time, cleanliness and understanding? Understanding will likely not come from some. This I understand because I've been in rehabs before. While I do know that these issues are not yours, I hope that I could at least present them before possible rehabs and be given a little more time to improve upon my needs.

Will I be able to walk as soon as projected by my physical therapist? I believe in her and trust her and I hope and pray so, but, what if I can't? I have to admit, when I am with her, I manage to do all of the things she ask me to do. However, what if I do need a little more time?

Needing more time for this may also coincide with my needing more time for my nerve damage. Actually, making positive strides in walking, may help me improve in the nerve damage area. I really want to move on with life, but I feel like just a little more time may actually mean LIFE for me! I don't want to be dramatic and I do trust the doctors, but I have felt a little rushed lately. I keep hearing this magical “90 days here” number which I am quickly approaching and being told not to sign anything before it occurs. I have no idea what this means, I just live by The Truth. I hope others may too.

I love it here, but I do want to get on with my life as soon as possible.

Will rehab help me with housing? I am aware of some patients that have been helped. I WILL WORK HARD. I will be a street artist if possible. I love being one. If I physically cannot, I WILL work elsewhere. I am a hard worker. I have a college degree. It may be nice to have a pay check after working only 40 hrs per week. This may also help me stay clean. Once this starts, I will work weekends at my passion – street artist photography.

What about my medication? I know that some rehabs do not allow pain medication to be taken while there. I don't want to take drugs if I don’t need to. I'm just not sure. And, I am on SO MANY.

I am in SEVERE pain at night. I have really strange dreams. When falling asleep, it can be really strange and frightening. I do hear voices, but I know how to ignore them and I DO KNOW what is real.... “They're gonna make up with you so they can put you wherever they want to put you” is what the voice said just now for instance.... “being with someone like you makes people scared for what the universe holds.” -- “that's not it for you Dave!”. -- “Your world is not what matters to people.” This is what I hear when I listen. I usually choose not to listen.

My Medi-Cal has not yet to come through. I also just signed up for possible SSI for now. This is so I could maybe be covered until I get back to work or get a job. I just cannot be homeless or use again. That's all I pray. I put myself here, but I just pray that if my life was saved that I am given a chance on this earth. I am scared sometimes. I have a lot of anxiety. I am overwhelmed.

I care about this place. I try to help people. I take photos that I hope will appear in the newspaper and I have even made some sample newspaper layouts. I know there is so much more to it than this, but I try to be a positive person to this hospital while I am here.

I am so grateful to be alive! I just hope people trust me. I am telling the truth about what I want to do. I am not looking for a free ride. In the past, I would have always wanted to move on as quickly as possible. Just because I would have wanted freedom. That was just the addict in me. I am honestly nervous and I am trying to take the more cautious and slower road this time. 

I write a blog that has many readers. It's called Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog. Last year I wrote 100 blogs that got over 10,000 hits. It is important that I stay clean so I can survive to help as many people as I can. It's what I set out to do when I started writing it in 2006 just after my dad died alone in a hotel room of his alcoholism. I started using drugs and alcohol just after I found my mother dying as a result of her addiction. I found her dying when I was 12.   

This Universe means more to me than I have time to explain. Sorry for making this so long, but I guess you can see why the blog I write is called Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog.

(END OF PAPER)

 

 

 

 

After the meeting, I went to my normal morning news and coffee group.  For lunch I sat at my usual table with one of my fairly new friends.  She's a nun.  All day long she says,  "Will someone please take me to 850 Powell?"  (This is not the real address.)  She says this over and over - all day long.  I guess it's her old residence.  She ask everyone she sees to take her.  She refuses to eat.  She sometimes yells, "HELP, HELP!"  She's pretty confused.  She's probably in her upper 80's.  I feel sorry for her.

 

In the recent past, she began liking and listening to me because I said, "I want to go to (This Hospitals Address)".  I felt it might help her to see this is her home - for now.  It doesn't appear as she'll be going anywhere too soon.  So she started saying this hospital address instead.  I told her how grateful I was that this place took care of us.  She agreed.  She wanted to go to her bed here.

 

Today, as we were about to eat, she began her, "Take me to 850 Powell!"  I sat next to her silently, wondering if it would be appropriate for me to suggest that I suggest this hospitals address.  I was kind of having a hard day and wasn't sure where I would be living here too soon. 

(PHONE RINGS)
(AN IMPORTANT PHONE CALL JUST ENDED)

I am more overwhelmed than I can even comprehend right now.  I don't even know how to get myself together.  It feels like this entire world is telling me I need to do something now and when I do this for them, they say, "No, we told you, this for us!"  This may cost me over a million dollars.  Living on that street is sounding better every day.  Then the pain would start.  I can't even gather my thoughts.  I have to leave right now to the most inspiring, yet painful part of my day - physical therapy.  I am crying so hard right now, I don't even know if I'll be able to maintain myself.  I know my roommate hears me.  I can't help it.  I'm so fucked up.  I FUCKED UP MY LIFE!

 

That one day mistake (YESTERDAY) that may get me $900 a month for a year that I would not sign up for months because I was told by the people who just called me that MediCal would drop me if Social Security denied me.  Well, since my social worker at this hospital is going to be gone for a couple months and my time is growing shorter here AND I may end up homeless some day,  I thought it might not be a bad idea to get the ball rolling on that possible $900 per month - until I got a job.  I mean I am disabled right now and I can't see that changing anytime soon.  I wish it would so bad.  I'd love to WORK.  I hate being this way!

 

Everything was coming at me so fast, I just did it.  Before I always told my social worker it did not make sense for me to request $900 per month if getting denied it (Social Security that is) meant I that I would be denied MediCal which was going to cover my bill at my first hospital.  January's bill alone was $897,000!  I was told however that they had a case for me and someone would call me this week about starting my MediCal. 

I called and left a message with this group saying that my social worker wanted to apply me for SS since he was leaving soon and I may not be here when he gets back!  I did this because I knew that a case had been opened for my getting Medical this week!  I also figured SS would take a while.  SS called me THIS MORNING letting me know I was denied - essentially because I am self employed and do not pay into SS.  This means that MedCal will not pick me up either - since SS denied me!  I figured It would take longer than A DAY for this to happen.  They are all so fast to deny, yet so slow to approve.  OR, quick to not approve I guess!    I'm sure my bill at the first hospital is well over $1 million since January alone was $897,000.   Half my time there was in February, so for all I know I am approaching $2 Million that I owe.  I

I guess when I was drug induced "insane" and attempting suicide, I never thought of what it might cost if I failed. I mean, I do of course appreciate them saving my life and doing all those surgeries, but I never asked them to do these things.  I was unconscious.   I'm trying to lighten my head up a bit and make a sick or dark joke.  I hope this is kind of obvious.
  

I can here "Sister" outside my door right now saying, "Let's go to 850 Powell".  Which brings me back to where I was heading with this blog before my phone call.   At lunch she was saying that and I was feeling overwhelmed.  This was before I found out that I will likely owe over a million dollars because I was unconscious when MediCal was sending letters to my friends house to get me on board.  I lived with that friend for a couple of weeks last year while I was technically homeless.  When he was getting the letters this year, I was in a coma.  He does not of course open my mail.   After the coma, I was so out of it. I was so confused and in so much pain.   They weren't hearing from me, so that's how I got denied MediCal the first time.  I got denied this time because they heard I got denied Social Security because I was self employed for the past 8 years and was not paying in to Social Security. 

 

Anyway, at lunch I thought to myself, "Sister, I think you should pray to God."  Right as I considered saying it she loudly said, "Can we pray?"  I immediately said, "Yes Sister, please." 

So she started:

 

Our Father, which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
As it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,

The power, and the glory,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

 

I am having one of the hardest days I've ever had today.  I can't understand it either.  I hurt.  I hurt!   I'm so confused.  I feel mentally out of it.  It worries me.  I need to inspire people!  I'm just trying to be honest. 

 

I got a couple calls from some good people.  I think it's okay if I use their names.   Gina called me a couple times today.  It really does seem that sometimes she some how she senses it when I'm having a hard time.  It's strange how she seems to know when I'm struggling or need someone to talk to.  She really is such a caring person to this world.  It's just so obvious about her.  Talking with her helped.

 

The other person who called me a couple times today was Susan.  She called immediately after I hung up with the million dollar call.  It was as if she somehow immediately could sense it!  I was so broken up emotionally.  I was still in tears.  Her call helped too.  I can't help but to think about one of Susan's favorite bands that we saw in concert so many times. 

 

I miss so many things.  I get so sad so often.  I've messed up my life so bad.  Sorry if I'm not being very inspiring.  I tried to be in the beginning of this blog.  I really believed it was heading in a good direction as I tried to believe I was.  It seems it's really headed in the wrong direction that's for sure.  I can't really help it.  These things happened as I was writing it.  I just feel rushed lately in so many ways and I don't feel to good physically lately either. 

 

I'm going to keep praying.  And now, I'm going to listen to this song we used to hear a lot.  I have to admit, I have such a long way to go in this world.  I put myself here.  I have to have faith.  I feel numb.  I'm going to listen to this song.  I'm grateful to be alive.  Thank you God.  Thank you.  I love you.

 

 

 

Worried sick my eyes are hurting
To rest my head I'd take a life
Outside the girls are dancing
'Cause when you're down it just don't seem right

Feeling second fiddle to a dead man
Up to my neck with your disregard
Like a beat dog that's walking on the broadway
No one wants to hear you when you're down

Sister luck is screaming out
Somebody else's name
Sister luck is screaming out
Somebody else's name

A flip of a coin
Might make a head turn
No surprise, who sleeps
Held my hand over a candle
Flame burnin' but I never weep

Sister luck is screaming out
Somebody else's name
Sister luck is screaming out
Somebody else's name

What a shame