Dreamer - Touch of Grey

I have to admit, things really seem going my way.  A couple mornings ago I woke up and did my usual.  I turned on the news.  It's been years since I've been a person who wakes up and turns on the news.  Seeing that I have little choice these days, I guess it's what I do. And, I get breakfast in bed.  Life in the hospital - Oh boy!  I really can't complain.  It sure beats being dead, which is what my tweaked out insane mind had somehow planned AND attempted the morning of January 15th - Suicide!  I still can't come to terms with that. 

Anyway, the good news on the news a couple of mornings ago was the ground breaking of the Transbay Terminal Tower.  The Transbay Terminal Tower is a skyscraper that has been planned for years in San Francisco.  At first it was of course a "proposed skyscraper", as all skyscrapers start out being.  I have always kept my eye on "proposed skyscrapers".  Even when I lived in Cincinnati.  I remember the days of Fountain Square West.  It was a skyscraper that was to be the tallest in Cincinnati.  It was to be just west of Fountain Square.  I was excited about it's future - back then.  It was going to be 689 feet tall!   It was, of course, never built.  I hate to say it, but it seems many things were proposed in my old city, yet never built.  Things like skyscrapers, Subways, Light Rails, etc..  I am not downing Cincinnati.  In fact, it seems, it's days of not building proposed things may seem to be changing.

After living here for 11 years, I have noticed in San Francisco that if "they" say something is going to be built - it gets built!  In fact, The Transbay Terminal Tower is being built right next door to the "once proposed" Transbay Terminal.  The Transbay Terminal will be home to the"once proposed" California High Speed Rail.  Which I hate to say was another thing that got cancelled in Ohio by the newly elected governor - Ohio High Speed Rail!  I was also very excited about it in Ohio.  It's happening here.  High speed rail that is.  So to is that proposed high rise that is counting on the increased business and human traffic at the base of the extremely tall facility with 1.3 million square feet of class A rentable space!  At 1070 Feet, it will be the tallest building on the west coast.



Transbay Terminal and Transbay Terminal Tower

I love Skyscrapers - especially really tall ones!  I look forward to photographing it's construction and it's existence in the skyline!  In fact, San Francisco probably has at least 15 skyscrapers under construction right now.  It's pretty amazing.  Before this "incident", I kept wanting to go out and photograph every single skyscraper under construction!  This city is really transforming it's skyline!  I'll admit, I can be a bit of a dork about this stuff!  I'm glad I'm alive to be able to answer that dream of mine some day.  I think Cincinnati is also building a couple of skyscrapers soon.  I also think the street car project is being built downtown.  I was really proud of The Banks project!  And, I like Cincinnati's new tallest building, Queen City Tower.  It's official height is 666 feet tall!  It is an interesting height for me, I must say.

 

Queen City Tower is in the foreground.  The brown brick building to the left and in the background is the Carew Tower.  The Carew Tower at 574 feet, was the tallest building in Cincinnati for 80 years!  I worked in The Carew Tower until I moved to San Francisco 11 years ago.

I must admit, other things I feel good about - actually involve me.  I was recently told I don't have to have surgery on my neck!  When I "fell" about 50 feet January 15th, I broke my neck.  Thankfully, 50 feet tall was the tallest building my crazy/insane mind could find that morning as the sun came up.  I was walking towards "the wilderness" that morning but could only manage to walk south a mere 16 miles that early morning.  I spotted San Bruno Parking Garage, by SF International Airport. The plan of being consumed into the ground by The Big Bad Wolf (which was actually what the devil called itself this last relapse) to exchange my soul to help the soul of others was off because I didn't make it to the wilderness before sunrise.  I was only hurting people, so for me to stop doing that, suicide was my only option.  I was so badly against this option but so badly wanted to stop hurting others souls in that "parallel universe."

 

As I guess I was suppose to accomplish, my neck was not shattered like my lower backbone.  It had to have surgery and has very many screws, pins and metal pieces inserted.  I no longer have to wear my neck brace!  Let me tell you, I don't miss it!  AT ALL!  It was really uncomfortable. My neck feels really free and much more comfortable now!

 

Another new thing for me to enjoy is the shower!  I know it sounds silly, but a couple of weeks ago I had my first shower!  I had not had one in 2 1/2 months!  It felt so good!  At first, I needed nurses to help me, so it was a little weird but being in that shower and especially how clean I was afterwards, felt great!  After just a couple of my assisted showers, I was approved to take my own shower.  Well, now that it's in the past and I'm doing lots of other things by myself, I must admit that I essentially approved myself to take my own shower!   The original assisted showers required that I got wheeled in on this thing that had a toilet seat, providing an opening so we could get my under side clean.  It was a little strange feeling and not to be too revealing in this blog, but I did feel a little wangly dangly down there!  Once approved to do my own, I simply wheel myself in and switch over to the shower seat that can be lowered from the wall.  Like I said, taking showers is beautiful!  Especially when I wasn't all wangly dangly!  I get two a week - one tomorrow! I can't wait until tomorrow!

 

((Tomorrow, Saturday, has since arrived - it felt soooo good this morning.  wow.  Gratitude feels beautiful.  (OKAY, Now that this blog has taken me three days to write, I now know I am allowed to take showers every day!  Today is Sunday.  Easter Sunday!  Happy Easter!  I learned this after I did my usual sponging off and already put my ankle cast and clothing on for the day.  I'll probably start a daily shower routine starting tomorrow.  I don't get to a place in which I need a shower to much, but showers do feel so nice and I have plenty of time!  I used to take them to literally help me wake up.))

 

I may have mentioned this in a past blog, but even if I did, I'm sure it has improved.  Something I do on my own, obviously, these days is go to the bathroom on my own.  It's not always easy to do, but it happens - slowly but surely.  I am grateful for this occurrence no matter how long it takes me.  Again, it's not always a simple task, but I can do it myself these days.   Well, that's if you don't count the person who dumps my urinal in the middle of the night for me.  That person is the same person who used to give me drugs - every four hours. 

Now, that I've switched the type of drugs I'm given and only need one type of pain medication every 12 hours, I'm not sure that urinal dumping will continue.  That's something, I could do myself- of course.  (I just like to know that I am on my way to being completely self-sufficient.)

 

In the past, I was given Oxycodone for the broken and shattered bones pain.  Now I'm given Morphine.  I'm still given Gabapentin for the nerve damage pain I have from shattering my back bone. The nurse who just gave me one of my doses of something told me I'm given a huge dose of Morphine!  I have lots of shattered bones, but I must admit, my being an addict does worry me when I hear such comments.  It's not like I ask for huge doses.  I guess I just need them, so I'm given them.  She said I take 250 milligrams twice a day.  I have no idea what that means or just how much that really is.  Truthfully, that is not a language I speak.  I could tell you how many grams of speed I used to IV, but I'd rather not go there.  I have been an IV using speed freak for the last 8 0r 9 years.  I never was a pill popper and I never liked heroin when I tried shooting it.  

 

I began this blog by discussing how I watch the television news.  Another thing I do is look at the newspaper.  I look at The San Francisco Chronicle, which is the local newspaper I worked for when we first moved here.  In an effort to stay connected to Cincinnati news, I also look at Cincinnati.com in the morning.  Cincinnati.com is The Cincinnati Enquires web connection.   This week, they had a week long special about how many people in Cincinnati were becoming heroin addicts.  They were becoming addicts because they were introduced to oxycodone due to an injury and was given that pain killer to help reduce the pain that followed. 

In fact, I remember years ago, my grandmother grew up in a dry county, yet, moonshine producing county in the hills of Kentucky. She herself could not stand drinking alcohol by herself or the drinking of alcohol by anyone.  She even referred to alcohol as "the devil".    When my cousin and I rented the upstairs unit of a two family home with her in Cincinnati, one night she fell down the front steps. She shattered her left ankle - just as I recently have done.  She was given Oxycodone for the pain.  She was someone who was always against alcoholism and addiction, but I recall her struggling herself with needing that drug for pain.  I am an addict.  I must say, my remembering this does worry me.  Especially if she of all people, my angel of a grandmother struggled with an apparent "need" for oxycodone.

 

I have to share something that I know I have already written in this blog.  I was struggling with what I should name this blog, but inside, I just really knew what song I had to use.  I just knew it!  Now I really know it.  I just turned on the radio.  I always have it tuned to KFOG.  One of the first songs that came on was a Grateful Dead song!  At first, my mind was like,  "Hey, it's a Grateful Dead song."  Then I realized what song it was and I was like, "Hey, it's 'Touch of Grey' - Of Course!!"

 

Now, let me get back to the Cincinnati.com week long cover story about how Heroin addiction has been on a major rise in Cincinnati.  Since it was hard to access Oxycodone and because of the price was so great for Oxycodone, many people throughout Cincinnati and all it's suburbs alike were using heroin for their pain.  Some overdose.  Some die. 

 

Again, those very popular drug types, heroin and oxycodone, were never my drugs of choice.  I'm a speed freak who loves the rush I get from shooting crystal meth.  However, I can't deny that I am an addict and I am in pain.  I will also admit that the drug I was switched to due to my pain issues throughout the night, morphine, I did buy on the street and use a few times.  I bought the drug on the street the same way I get that drug here - in pill form.  I only did it a few times, but the times I did use them on the streets, I crushed them up, added water and shot them.  I liked the way it helped me come down.  I WILL NEVER USE AGAIN.  I just wanted to point out a fearful possible reality out there for me in the future if I don't have insurance, have little money and I am in great pain.  I feel like I am someone who can really take on a lot of pain, but crushed bones all over my body including places I walk and my backbone is quite a bit for me to take on some day. 

 

I'm sorry about that.  It is important I keep recovery first - no matter what I say or how I feel.

 

Recovery is beautiful!  I love being around people!  Especially when people are clean!  I'm not trying to isolate myself anymore.  During my last run that lasted only 2 1/2 months, I was so isolated, it scared me!  One thing I get lots of here in the hospital is visitors!  Last week, I've averaged about 2 visitors a day!  I loved it!  I've always loved people.  Always!  Being an addict for too long creates a condition of isolation.  It becomes horrible.   It becomes a condition no human being should ever have to endure!

 

I said I have been having many visitors.  Many of my San Francisco visitors are in recovery, of course.  A couple of my visitors were from Cincinnati.  A couple of the visitors attend the church I attended last year that I was introduced to while in my rehab program.  I still consider myself a member of that church.  That church is City Church.  I will name it, because I am proud to say I will never have anything bad to say about it.  If I do, I'll say it and still love it.  In fact, I am going to try go to church this Easter if I possibly can.  I hope so. 

 

(Today is now Easter Sunday.  I must admit, I am feeling pretty loopy and confused in the brain.  I had a nurse ask me if I felt this way earlier.  I also had Susan ask me if I was drugged up.  She said I sounded funny.  She knows I got switched to Morphine recently. Just now, I heard something drop in the other room and it took me by surprise.  I get a lot of it and I take it in pill form.  I only took it about an hour ago, so....  I told Susan I crushed them up and shot them....  I was just being silly.   I guess that stuff does make me a bit silly.  I had called Susan to ask her the name of the neighborhood they put that new Cincinnati Casino.  She told me - Broadway Commons.  She went last night.  I was also curious if I still had a desktop computer monitor in my storage unit.  She said no.  I think I do.  I am babbling.  I feel tired and spacy also.  Okay, back to proofreading only so I can get this thing posted today!)

 

Back to Cincinnati visitors topic!  As far as those two visitors from Cincinnati, they brought me the things I really love.  One brought me two forms of chocolate to make my milk into chocolate milk!  One brought me lemons.  Two of my favorite things in life are chocolate and lemons.  I love them both.  Which reminds me, my oldest brother just mailed me chocolate and other helpful supplies like hair and teeth care supplies!  Good thing, since he sent me chocolate! 

As far as the two visitors from Cincinnati, one actually lives out here, but is originally from Cincinnati.  Actually I should say I had 3 visitors from Cincinnati.  Two of them live in Cincinnati.  She was my friend.  Her husband is my new friend.  The nice lady who lives here now, and brought me lemons, lives down on the Peninsula.  She actually moved to The Bay Area before me.  The last time she lived in San Francisco, I'm pretty sure she lived in The Mission District.   Actually, it might have been in the Potrero Hill area.  Now a days, she is probably closer to San Jose.  I think she lives in Mountain View - close to Stanford.  She has stopped and visited me twice.  I had to even admit to her, her first visit was very cloudy to me!  I wasn't quite with it all the way back then.  She let me know - It was very obvious!  I was rather out of it! 

Which reminds me of another good friend I was sending emails to starting in my early days of being conscious back in February.  Her emails somehow got switched to going to my "other" emails on Facebook so I never responded to her last one she sent me just after my fundraising event because I never saw it!  She was really a big part of my fundraising event and I really do thank her for that.  I used to flirt with her a while back - before she had someone who is serious in her life.  Well, apparently I wasn't always to clear on her having someone in her life in the early days of being "conscious" and enjoyed letting her know how cute she is.  She just is. :)  I felt so silly when I read the words I typed back then as I read them today.  I even read some to Susan, just to see if it was silly and she agreed.  I was silly!  I was pretty loopy at times!!  Susan and I both got a laugh out of my silly words I had typed to her back then.  She really is a great person who has always been kind to me.

 

Drugs.   LOL.  Those drugs and my loopiness were even controlled by doctors!  I also had a skull fracture lets not forget.  When I first got to this hospital, my first few appointments were to determine my sanity.  After all, I did break my skull after falling 50 feet.  I am okay.  Now.  Well, I'm getting there.  LOL.

 

I had a visitor today (Friday) that I had not seen almost 3 years!  He's a good guy.  I met him in recovery about 3 years ago.  I was a bit worried about him. We became really close back then.  In fact, Susan and I went to his mothers home that year which was the year Susan saved my life and I was unconscious in the ICU for a week.  I took photos of the Blue Angles from his mothers rooftop that year of Fleet Week.   She lives in North Beach which is the really cool neighborhood I just lived in before my "incident".  She has a really cool home with a beautiful rooftop view!  She lives at the top of Telegraph Hill.  I got lots of good shots including these three that day. 



Coit Tower has always meant a lot to me. In 1995, it is the location I chose to propose to Susan.  Susan and I still get along and I pray the best for her life and her new marriage.  Much of our existence together in the not so distant past, I can still admire.  My addiction was just to much for our marriage to overcome.

Coit Tower was built in 1933 with a large donation from Lillie Hitcock Coit.  She admired firefighters because of the brave work they did following the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake.  It is said that it was built to resemble a fire fighters nozzle!

At 853 feet, The TransAmerican Pyramid is currently the tallest building in San Francisco.  It is also my second favorite skyscraper in the world!  My favorite is New York Cities Chrysler Building.  My last apartment in North Beach was located in the shadow of this beautiful building.

The thing about this friend I met in recovery is that he is just like many of the friends I seem to meet these days - he is still in recovery!  In fact, he has a couple years clean now-a-days. 

I must admit that I do find that there is truly such a thing as coincidences that do occur these days.  There is simply to many simulation of alignments for me to ignore.

He works at a detox center in The Haight Ashbury District.  In fact, I have been to that detox center 3 times.  It's the one I went to about a year ago before going into the last program I was in.  He is also going to school to become a drug counselor.  He's going to stop back on Monday and meet with me so he can write a paper about me for school.  I have another friend who photographs me all the time in here.  Perhaps I should hook them up.  Perhaps the three of us should be involved in this project!  I sure write enough about my crazy self!  And, lately I sure have been taking lots of self portraits with my phone and my computer.  Who knows, maybe I've already written the paper for him!  Oh, that'd be cheating and we can't do that!

 

Oh yeah, since I'm babbling like crazy, I would also like to add that my other friend from Cincinnati, who still lives in Cincinnati and is married, bought me Pastels and art paper.  I was inspired to work with pastels as a direct result and created this piece this week, after her visit:

 

Sky - I got it's name from the first person who walked up to it and made a name suggestion.

After seeing this, my friend from Cincinnati offered to buy a pastel work from me.  Her doing so just spurred me on to think up a price for such a work.  The truth is, I had no idea how pricing works for such works of art.  I have sold photos for years, so I know how that works!  After quoting her a price last week, I've decided I'm going to do one for free  for her instead.   I mean she came to San Francisco AND bought me this really cool stuff!  She bought me chocolate milk making stuff and pastel photo making stuff.  I will truly enjoy doing such work for her.  She mentioned either a San Francisco skyline or one of the Golden Gate Bridge shot so, we'll see.  I sure would like to do a Cincinnati skyline!  Maybe I could do that for myself, unless of course she wants it.  She may want something San Francisco related.

I do work a couple times a week here anyway, so I'll do something.  Some day, as a result of the tools she supplied, I will sell something.  And, that chocolate she bought me has helped to continue put a tiny bit of padding on my tummy.  I get two needles a day in my tummy to help me not develop blood clots.  I had lost 30 pounds and was down to 125lbs a few weeks ago!  A few weeks ago, my stomach had no fat - none.  Normally, I'd be great with such a stomach, however, needles directly into stomach muscle!  OUCH!  Tummy please!

 

Her and my brothers and my aunts and many other loving friends and family have provided me with chocolate and other sweets and goodies to finally give me a little tummy!  Thanks everyone.  Seriously!

 

I already spoke about my long distance friends and family and how awesome they are and how cool it's been that we've renewed our relationships with one another.  So many have sent me so many nice treats.  And, we talk to each other on the phone so many nights a week.  Some of them I talk to every night!

 

My aunt from Cincinnati hooked me up with so many cool things!  It was as if it was Christmas!  I'm not kidding.  I have not experienced a real Christmas or something even close to that in any form in over 2 years!  The last two days of Christmas, I was all alone.  One of them I was homeless and I stayed on a beach right next to The Golden Gate Bridge all night and day.  That year I panhandled for as much money I could at 4th Market Street on Christmas Eve so I could get super high and then make it as if Christmas never happened.  This last Christmas I had a place - but I basically did the exact same thing.   Begging wasn't necessary, but I did make it as if Christmas never happened - I think.  Both were a mess.  Enough said.

My last New Years Eve, was probably one of the most messed up nights I've had in a long time. Wow.  It was so messed up.  Wow.  I can't even explain it.  I feel bad about that one.  I shouldn't explain it even this much.  The Truth.  I was in one of those places I should not have been in.  She didn't speak a lot of English, but the one comment I was slightly understanding was:  "No, Dohn't do0 dat.  Dey wheel keel yhou".  I was really freaked out that night.  I was so afraid.  Not a good way to be.  Enough!  If anyone needs details. I may be willing share, but for now, I want to change the subject!

Getting all these beautiful gifts this week felt just like Christmas!  Most of what I got was cloths and art supplies.  I was so happy.  I still am.  Every morning I get to wear something new!  It's like Christmas every day.  I love my aunt for being so considerate.  I got Bengals and Reds clothes!  I also got superman clothes!  I've been very, very happy - and  very comfortable!

 

Superman - I Will Survive!  I appreciate my aunt also mailed me some of those rubber wrists bands that say "David Beaty" on one side and, "I Will Survive", on the other.  I love them!    (And, it's 5:08PM on Tuesday and I'm getting close to posting this seriously babbling blog.  I'm doing one final  proof read due to the fact that there has been so much technical and loopy mind difficulties.  The hospital picks a movie to play every day and announces the movie that's it's going to play just before it's played.  Today, they chose to play Superman Returns.  It was announced at 4:00PM.)

Who Dey!

And this one belongs to The Reds!

Oh well, a touch of grey, kind of suits you anyway, That was all I had to say, and it's alright I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.  Don't I choose a song for each blog?

I'd rather not get into this right now, because I wanted this blog to be about how things have been going well for me and how I have reason to be happy.  This is true, however, I just got my little TV connected radio fixed today and I left it on the first channel it comes on is 96.5.  It's a soft rock channel.  That song by Extreme, More Than Words, just came on.  I don't here that song much, but it instantly made me cry.  I'm an emotional mess these days. 

 

 

 

 

 

I remember when that song came out - 1991.  I just graduated in 1990.  Susan was about to graduate in 1992.  Susan and I and my brother and a couple friends and my cousin spent part of the summer in Miami with my aunt and uncle.  I specifically remember this song being on when we were heading to a flea market located in The Everglades!  That band ended up being kind of cheesy.  However, they had just came out and we had the CD and were listening to it.  This song stood out to us both back then.  I'll leave this alone.  I'm still a bit emotional over this song.

Sunday 3/31/13 @ 9:30 PM 

(Okay, so I actually wrote the part below before I wrote the part above about my coming to terms with Touch of Grey.  I think I thought I already wrote this below part.  I think I've touched on this being my third day of writing this blog.  I'm not sure how much I've touched on just how whacked out of my head I feel.  I have to be honest and will tell my Doctor tomorrow.  This drug has me feeling really whacked out of my head.  I was told by a nurse earlier that after a few days, it may have a really strong effect on me based the great amount I am taking.  Apparently it is!  Wow. 

I am actually completely confused!!  Wow.  Just so you know, I have shared this mindset of mine with Marilynn.  I also let her know I would tell a Doctor tomorrow.  It's really weird to deal with trying to write.  I really wanted to finish this blog.  However, I am having so many technical difficulties, I really can't.  It's driving me nuts.  I have to admit though, when I'm not working and I'm laying around listening to music or watching TV.  Oh wow!  It really does feel very nice.  I think I'll go get some apple juice, turn on some tunes and turn off the lights and.... Good night loopty doos!  Oh my!!! LOL)

 

I was having trouble coming up with a song title for this blog.  Actually, I wasn't having trouble at all.  Touch of Grey, was my first and obvious choice for so many reasons.  The one reason I felt I couldn't use it is because I already used it!  I used it on July 8th of last year.  I'm too tired to read it, but it was really short and my blogs readership was really low back then. 

I love that song and it really needs to be the title for this one.  Things are going really good for me, but there are a few little problems attached to the goodness - of course!  Every silver lining has a Touch of Grey!  However, it was my admiration of all the beautiful work put in by my beautiful family and beautiful friends that make me think that that should be the title of this blog!  My aunt sent me some of those rubber wrists things worn at my fundraiser with all of my other cool stuff she mailed me.  And it was those typed on magical words that convinced me initially!

If that weren't enough, it was my meeting with a couple of my Doctors at General Hospital that had me convinced!  They told me how happy they were to see me and how amazed at how good I looked!  They also told me something I hadn't really thought about.  They told me they didn't think I was going to make it the first few days I was in the ICU.  That possible reality is still a hard one for me to handle.  I hate to say it, but it does bring tears to my eyes. 

I guess it was the shattered bones all over my body, but especially in my lower back around and connected to my pelvis and my broken neck and the hole in the lung that really worried them.  It was that short little song verse on that little Lance Armstrong rubber thing that made me repeat a song I had already once used in a blog!

 

Sorry that you feel that way,  the only thing there is to say is... Every silver lining's got a touch of grey. I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

I actually gave the nurse who told me they weren't sure I'd survive one of those wrists bands, so thank you for whoever came up with this.  Once I got passed all that part, they t0ld me that they then believed I may never walk again!  I actually do remember being told that while I was in that hospital.  I was pretty out of it, but that did freak me out a bit.  Still does - a little.  Pretty sure I will be able to walk though.  And, now they believe I will walk some day.  They said they were amazed at my improvement.  I wore my Superman outfit that day!  (As much as I love my superman and batman clothes, I'm really not even close to being that. It has a lot more to do with God than me.  It is God's Will.)   

That day, they also told me I did not need neck surgery AND I could permanently remove the neck brace!  I think I already commented on how good that feels.  I know I took a photo of the neck brace in the garbage because I threw it directly in the garbage the moment they told me I didn't have to wear it any longer!  However, I believe I accidently deleted that photo on my mobile phone. 

 

 

I am so tired.  This fact should be obvious in that photo I just took and posted above!  About an hour ago, the nurse gave me my trazadone (sleeping medication) and I also took my 250 milligrams of morphine and my whatever amount of Gabapentin (this is a pain killer for nerve damage).  I also got a bunch of other pills for who knows what.  I've never been a pill taker.  It's only 9:30!  I wish they'd give that sleeping medicine a little later.  Oh well,  I'm not that tirrrrrrrrrrl//?;%&*'/ll<.....  Huh? What just happened? Was I writing something?  My blog?

 

That stupid silliness above is mostly a joke.  I am really tired, but that's not really real what I wrote at the end above.   That was my attempt at silly humor.  Whatever.  I did actually fall asleep and my fingers pushed a bunch of nothing.

 

I wanted to finish this babbling blog tonight, but it appears it will have to be finished on Easter Sunday.  Hallelujah!

I hate to say it, but I actually like to watch TV before I go to bed now.  I went 3 years without TV until a few weeks ago, so goodnight!

Easter Sunday 3/31/13 @ 10:10 PM

LOL!  So now, I'm so much more than those things I just wrote about above and I won't be finishing this blog on Easter Sunday!  LOL.  I got a whole  another days worth of the morphine drug and I just took it and that sleeping pill at 9:00.  I'm feeling super loopy kids!  And, I did finish the short proof reading part.  I went ahead and turned KFOG on since that was in the plan.  I've advanced to radio.  Apparently this will be a two song blog! How could I possibly resist the song that instantly came on the moment I read the words  in the wonderful and timely paragraph above, "so goodnight!" 

 

 

 

 

 

Dreamer, you know you are a dreamer
Well can you put your hands in your head, oh no
I said, "Dreamer, you're nothing but a dreamer"
Well can you put your hands in your head, oh no
I said "Far out, what a day, a year, a laugh it is"
You know, well you know you had it comin' to you
Now there's not a lot I can do
Dreamer, you stupid little dreamer
So now you put your head in your hands, oh no

I said "Far out, what a day, a year, a laugh it is"
You know, well you know you had it comin' to you
Now there's not a lot I can do

Work it out someday

If I could see something
You can see anything you want boy
If I could be someone
You can be anyone, celebrate boy
Well if I could do something
You can do something
If I could do anything
But can you do something out of this world?

Take a dream on a Sunday
Take a life, take a holiday
Take a lie, take a dreamer
Dream, dream, dream, dream, dream, dream, dream, dream along

Dreamer, dreamer, dream along
Come on and dream, dream along (Come along)
Come on and dream, dream along
Come on and dream, dream along
Dreamer (Come on and dream, dream along), you know you are a dreamer (Come on and dream, dream along)
Well can you put your hands in your head, oh no (Come on, come on)
I said dreamer (Come on and dream, dream along), you're nothing but a dreamer (Come on and dream, dream along)
Well can you put your hands in your head (Come on, come on), oh no, oh no

I love Supertramp!  Guess what else they did for me besides convince me that The Universe is still a coincidently beautiful and amazing place for me to live?  They also changed the blogs name from "Touch of Grey" to "Dreamer - Touch of Grey".  I honestly have to say, it has had a few names due to all of the whacky technical difficulties Blogger.com has been given me and my own mental loopy difficulties.  My goodness!  It was,  "Touch of Grey II", "Touch of Grey 2" and "Touch of Grey (again)".   So, let's hope it stays at, "Dreamer - Touch of Grey".   What a beautiful Universe I am fortunate enough to actually exist in!  Okay, now I'm off for some apple juice and I want to listen to some KFOG.  Goodnight! 

Well, now it is 7:12 PM on Monday night.  It's been a long day.  I had a pretty good nights sleep I have to admit.  I do feel a little tired tonight, but let's get this blog done is all I can think about!  My goodness.  It's not that long!  I can't even remember what it is about.  My brain is still a little loopy, that's for sure. 

I think it started out with me saying how things had really been going my way lately.  I think I also realized that things were not perfect in my world that seemed to be coming together so beautifully.  Basically, it did occur to me how, "every silver lining's got a Touch of Grey."

I really am able find quite a few lyrics in this song that really do point to the situations in my life now and when I wrote it, back at the end of last May.  I wrote it at the end of May.  It turns out it was actually only posted July 8th.  The other night, I was simply too lazy, or perhaps too tired, to read through it to discover that about it.   However, I did read my blog a little bit earlier tonight. 

I can see how back then the lyrics that read, "I know the rent is in arrears, the dog has not been fed in years, it's even worse than it appears but, it's all right",  were lyrics that I would completely have been able to relate to at that time in my life.  Those particular lyrics are even more relevant today as it applies to my situation in some of my own strange minded cases.  However, I always like to say three words all the time that remind of the three words that song says.  I find myself saying, "Slowly but surely" The three words in that song are, "...it's all right".

I do know that things will be okay.  I recently had my doctors from SF General tell me that they were so amazed at how much I have approved.   I feel like I wrote this part already and it may get posted and then edited for you early readers.  Meaning I will likely reread it again some day.  I'm tired again.  Am I always tired?  Well, perhaps by the time I have time to write I am.  Anyway, my doctors said to me, "You look so great."  The nurse said, "For the first few days, I didn't think you would make it."  Again, supporting my choice to the song Touch of Grey, because it has three lyrics that read, "I will survive".  Have I ever shared with anyone about how the number 3 was so prevalent in my life years ago!  It appeared all the time and I had no idea why.    Then, recently, while in a Christian rehab program, I learned about the trilogy, which is the Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost!  It opened up all kinds of doors about my past!  This blog is already too long, so....

So after seeing those doctors, they basically gave me weight baring proof for my upper body.  Meaning I could lift and do therapy with the upper part of my body.  I had already figured this out and did a lot with that part of my body already.  They also looked at my X-Rays and said I will be able to walk some day based on what they can see.  A couple doctors told me I would never walk again as I left that hospital to come here in early February.  I never liked to share that part with too many people.  I must admit, there were some times when I too wandered if I would ever walk again.  Now, I do believe I will.  I will admit however, I don't think I'm capable quite yet.  My left ankle has a lot of pain and I'm a little nervous about my lower shattered back bone.  It feels a little week and numb still.

After seeing those doctors at that hospital who did the surgery, I saw the ones here.  I guess they are called orthopedic doctors!  The main doctor in charge here looked at me and the X-Rays and said that I was fine with my upper half of my body , yet I need to wait 1 month before I attempt to walk.  So, last week I did take some classes like Tai Chi for instance to help my upper back.  I also went to the foot doctor and got a pedicure.  I had never had one, but it was great.  I had basically given myself one a few days before.  Holy cow!  I must have pealed off so much dead skin.  Wow.  It was crazy.   I had so much dead skin on my feet!  The nurse who gave me the pedicure took of some herself, but no where near as much as me.  Hers did the nice and fine finishing touches I must admit!  And, she really had that pedicure giving look about her I have to admit.  She really was good at making me feel really good I can't deny! 

Finally, I have to mention some of my good local friends.  I'm so glad I said "FINALLY!"  Both of these guys are in recovery.  One of them was the guy whose house I went up to his mothers roof and took the Blue Angel photo shots that I really liked.   The other guy I was in that last Christian program with me.  These two guys are both great guys.  They volunteer at rehab facilities.  The Bible guy volunteers here, Dave, volunteers at the detox I've went through 3 times.  Have I ever mentioned that number 3's significance in my life before?  Some other time. 

So some of you may remember the bible guy from that rehab I was recently exited from.  I really like this guy.  There used to be a time when I really believed that this painting on this hotel meant something.  I believed that this picture of earth was being controlled by God.  God was this black man blowing on the earth which meant he controlled The Universe.  Well, the program I was in was also in such a place that that looking across the street you could see this.  This painting on the wall with God blowing on earth.  There is also a cross walk there.  So above it is the cross walk sign and it is above my old street, Minna Street which is a one way street.  So essentially, I read that if I didn't walk one way with God, who created things to be, I'd end up in that coroners van that sometimes park there when people regularly died. 



I really wish I had Photoshop on this new laptop, I'd crop it closer so you could see it.  In fact, I used to have a closer photo on my old laptop that I dropped!  It was also blogged about a while back so I'm sure it has a better image in it in that blog.  I'm just to babbling way to much.  It's just all real!

Another day, someone died and it was a similar scene.  I also took a photo you'll see below.  The only difference this day is this guy I've revered to as "the devil" snuck up behind me and ask me, "What happened to this guy".  He also informed me he was staying at the hotel in the photo but could not get in because it was taped off by police tape.  This guy, in some ways, was always trying to help me over the years - "the devil".  He also had a huge grim reaper tattoo on his arm.  He found that morning rather amusing I must admit.  It was a strange morning. 

This morning was slight different.  Perhaps the photo is a little more clear was to what I was seeing if you look closely .  Walk one with God who controls The Earth or....  Da Arts are important.

 

Oh Yeah, so my whole point about that black guy I thought was God who is doing well now and volunteers here and helps me a lot, he was the model for that painting on that wall!  He was the man blowing on the earth.  Except he's not God of course.  However, he does have a powerful name of someone in The Bible.  I love this character in The Bible.  I'd share it, but did not get his permission to do so!  Perhaps he'll give it to me next time he comes to volunteer.

I got permission from the other volunteer today!  He has a cool Bible name also.  It is David!  He, like me, likes to be called Dave.  He stopped by today and asked me a bunch of questions about my addiction.  Basically he asked a bunch of Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog questions!  He is writing a college paper on someone who is addict but is in recovery right now.  That someone is me! 

Okay, so my twisted drugged out mind realizes I did speak about Dave earlier, before I had his permission to use his name.  Anyway Dave told me he would take me to my storage space sometime this week so I could get some things including my Guitar!  I can't wait! We had a drum circle earlier this week and it was a lot of fun.  I think I'll end this very, very babbling blog on that!  Wow!

I have to ad one tiny little thing to this blog, Today is Tuesday, 4/2.  It's 1:54.  I just got some possibilities approved that may help me get my life together a little sooner.  It will at least help me get in the right direction.  I was just getting ready to do my final quick proof read and Dave called.  I let him know I had requested tomorrow from 2:00 until 4:00 to be able to go with him to get some stuff from my storage, including of course, my guitar.

He let me know that he finished writing the paper about me last night.  He was so amazed at my story.  Dave is not a dead head and I never mentioned too much about my blog.  I certainly never even told him my next blog that he approved his name to be in was even called, Touch of Grey.  Anyway,  before he hung up he said, based on his paper he wrote, that my story may be able to provide the silver lining for someone in recovery someday!  It made me really smile and I let him know that what he said meant a whole lot more to me than he could possibly imagine.  Just so he understood, I did tell him the lyrics to the current blog I was writing, "...every silver lining's got a, Touch of Grey."

 

 

Must be getting early; clocks are running late. 

 

Paint by number morning sky looks so phony.
Dawn is breaking everywhere, light a candle, curse the glare
Draw the curtains I don't care, 'cause it's all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

I see you've got your list out, say your peace and get out.
Yes I get the gist of it, but it's all right
Sorry that you feel that way, the only thing there is to say is...
Every silver lining's got a touch of grey.
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

It's a lesson to me, the Ables on the bakers and the c's
The abc's we all must face, try to keep a little grace

Chorus

It's a lesson to me,
The Delta's or the East and the freezes.
The abc's-- we all think of, and try to keep a little love.

I know the rent is in arrears, the dog has not been fed in years, it's even worse than it appears but, it's all right

Cow is giving kerosene, kid can't read at seventeen
The words he knows are all obscene, but it's all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

The shoe on the hand that fits, there's really nothin' much to it
Whistle through your teeth and spit, 'cause it's all right
Oh well a touch of grey, kinda suits you anyway,
That is all I had to say, if it's all right
I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

We will get by... X3 then fade
We will survive!

Don't Stop Believin

I'm tired.  It's been a long day.  It started early.  I had to be at General Hospital to get a cat scan on my neck.  I guess they still haven't decided if I need one more surgery - on my neck.  I broke it, but have not had surgery on it.  I had surgery on all other areas of my body that contain bones, are important and were "shattered".  I didn't necessarily have surgery where bones were only "broken".  The strange thing about it is, my neck doesn't really hurt.  All the other seriously broken bones hurt - a lot!  They make a big deal of this one.  They make me continue to wear a neck brace.  I don't have to wear a back brace anymore - and it hurts!  However, it has had surgery - already. 

Anyway, I went to General Hospital with an assistant to help me - as usual.  She also assisted another patient.  He had to have something done to his lungs.  He was cool enough.  He's a bouncer in a bar.  He was also in a wheel chair.  Anyway, my procedure took 10 or 15 minutes.  His took over 4 hours!  I point this out only because I had to spend 6 hours in my wheel chair this morning.   It ended up being painful.  Not that I can't sit up like that here sometimes, but I have a table to lean on.  What is all this about?  It's been a good day.  It was nice to get out.  I guess it was just unexpectedly painful and tiring.

I've had so many visitors today.  It's been really nice today.  A couple of my friends in recovery who let me stay with them after I was exited from the rehab program I was in stopped by.  I love those guys!  They were awesome back then and they have been awesome every since.  One of them cleaned out my room after my "incident".  The other gets all my mail.  He is also the person who is "guiding" me through my recovery process.  He has recently gotten my mail about government insurance that I was unable to receive, yet likely will.  I know this because I talked to someone at the hospital I was in recently about that ordeal.  The details about all this are essentially for my "crazy" mind to deal with .  All's I am trying to point out is just how amazingly there for me my San Francisco friends have been! 

I also got two more visitors!  They are two people the rehab I was exited from assigned to be my career coaches!  One is a photographer and one is a book editor.  They were assigned to me right before I was exited.  We have all three developed deeper relationships that survived the insanity that was my relapse!  They both attend my church.  I love these two also. 

I have other friends in recovery who have been very important to me throughout all this also.  A couple even bring over there lovely animals I fell in love with while living with them!  They also continue support my drug rehabilitation needs. 

I have also regained my beautiful relationships I had with my family and my old friends from my old town - Cincinnati.  I love them and miss them.  I can't wait to go back some day and see so many.  There are even more I would want to see now than years ago.  This blog has done that.  God has done that. Like I've said, that's what this blogs about. 

Now it's the next day - Saturday. 

All of the previous things written in this blog were written yesterday - Friday.  Some of what you will read in the near future in this blog was also written yesterday.  I'll be sure to let you know.  Speaking of today, I just now got a needle in the stomach.  My typing of this blog was briefly interrupted.  Ouch!  I get two a day.  One at 8:00AM and one at 4:00PM.  It's 4:00.  I also got all my other meds I get every 4 hours, so I'll likely get a bit drowsy soon!   Why did I move to Saturday to write?  I was just proofing reading yesterdays and decided I needed to write about today...  OH, I know!  (New paragraph time Dave.)

I just had some visitor friends from Cincinnati!  Not "just" now, but a couple hours ago.  Her and I were friends in high school and we had similar career paths a while back.  She is someone I have gotten much closer to as a result of this blog.  She is really cool actually. 

I met her husband for the first time today and he seemed like a good guy.  They were visiting his sister in Monterey.  I told her she HAD TO visit San Francisco!  California is cool and all, but San Francisco is, well - Amazing?  Awesome?  Despite my downfalls, I still love this crazy town.  It is very beautiful and well - Amazing?  Awesome?

Well these nice Cincinnati friends of mine brought me a few things today.  I am very grateful for these things.  I've already used 2!  I will likely use 2 more soon.  I'm sure you'll get an obvious post when I use the other 2!

I love chocolate!  She bought me some things to help me make my milk and milk shakes chocolate!   She also bought me some pastels and art paper! I wish I had my Photoshop CD, I'd load it on to my new lap top and lighten that photo!  I'll get it when I make a trip to my storage unit someday - hopefully soon!  

I'm a dork who loves chocolate milk! 

 

Oh yeah, I also got some chocolate from my photographer church friend yesterday! 



It is TCHO chocolate. Fancy!  I had never had it, but it is so delicious that it's already gone!

Back to yesterdays typing:

I have a lot of pain to deal with - physically, emotionally and mentally.  However, it's because of all of you that pain is manageable.  It's of course because this hospital and wonderful and helpful nurses I am so grateful for!  I'm sure life will have tough challenges because of my mistakes as it should, but I have to be grateful I am alive.  I must not stop believin.

Back to today really quick: 

A nurse who was checking on me this morning informed me that when I hit the ground and broke my ribs after my fall, my broken ribs punctured my lung.  I knew I broke my ribs, but that lung puncture info was new to me today.  I guess that explains where that big scar on my left side came from.  It also explains that quiet gurgling noise I sometimes hear when I breath.

Back to yesterday:

That other person who went through so much of this with me seems to be doing okay also.  She has also helped me - tremendously!  My ex-wife is always willing to help me!  In some ways I feel we were soul mates.  My addiction was, however, entirely to strong for that.  I have died before and still ended up using.  Even after she was the one who saved my life.  In the past, life itself was not even enough.  I have to believe it will be different - this time.  God I pray!  It just has to be.  Things have to be different. 

This morning, in the van on the way to get a the cat scan, a song came on the radio.  I felt good this morning.  This song inspired me even more.  I recorded this back when things seemed good because they were.  I was staying with a couple of those helpful people I mentioned earlier.  This song was recorded just after I was exited from that program.  Things were tough.  I was healthy.  Seeing what I threw away is hard sometimes, but I think I should use my version.  Things will be different this time.  Don't Stop Believin!

Unfortunately, I can't put the actual video on this blog - yet.  I have the actual recording on my old laptop whose screen no longer works.  I hope to get to it soon, but for now I will at least provide a link to it.  I will also put the lyrics below for now.  I guess if you wanted to, you could listen to the song and look at this blog by leaving it as an open window to read the actual lyrics.  Or, if my singing is clear enough, perhaps you can understand the lyrics as I sing them!  Either way.

(I must admit, just watching my video brings tears to my eyes.  I hope that some day I can get back to being that "healthy"!  The lyrics really speek to me too!  "Oh the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on.")

Link to my version
(After you click, "Link to my version", just above, hit the play button on bottom left hand corner of video.  some day the actual video will be here)
 

Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlights people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night.

Working hard to get my fill,
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice,
Just one more time

Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlights people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night.

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlights people

Don't stop believin'
Hold on
to that feelin'
Streetlight people

Saint of Circumastance

Life is... alive.  I don't really know what else say.  I never dreamed I'd put myself in such a situation.  My, being a hardcore drug addict, I never really imagined I'd ever end of up in a hospital for any type of long-term rehab.  I figured I was going to end up in a long-term drug rehab if I was lucky, but those are very, very different.  Those require a lot of work.  Those need to be applied for.  One needs to be accepted into those.  One can be kicked out of one of those. 

I was so lost before I ended up here in this rehab.  This rehab is a physical health rehab.  I wasn't aiming for this.  I wasn't aiming for anything like this.  I was so lost.  I figured I may end up homeless.  I talked to almost no one.  I was so isolated - other than the voices in "that" universe.  Every time I'd manage to get through one of my "usings", I'd be so depressed. The best I could do is use again.  I could maybe work for a bit, but eventually would use again and would eventually end the "ability to work" possibility for myself. 

This time the devil was "the big bad wolf".  I was to find my way to the wilderness and "LAY STILL" long enough to be consumed into the ground.  I would be in hell forever.  It would be never ending.  My doing this would help some good souls who helped people I cared about and cared about me in that universe.  And this one for that matter.  More importantly, this one.

Attempting suicide was never God's Will for me, I can promise you that.  My shooting speed always made death a possibility for me.  Never in my life, NEVER, had I ever attempted suicide.  Sometimes the voices would say "shoot up again..." or "Go out that door and you will die!"  I'd ignore such warnings and live, so....

In fact, I do remember a few years ago the voices told me if I left my apartment to look for speed, I'd get stabbed.  I didn't listen.  I went and sat on this corner hoping some would show.  After a short time this very large transvestite prostitute walked up to the corner I was sitting.  She began pacing back and forth in front of me. Neither of us said a word.  She then reached into her jacket, pulled out a switch blade knife and flicked it open.  I just looked at her.  She put it to my neck.  I said, "God loves you."  She left!  I left!  I should have never used again after that, but as usual, eventually, I did.

A little over a year ago, I started taking a bunch of sleeping pills when I was homeless and miserable.  No one cared about me!  I decided I was in a way too populated of an environment to be dying, so I sadfully went to a distant alleyway I was familiar with.  I was miserable on my way there.  I was exhausted when I got there so I never took anymore - for whatever that's worth.  I was aslo "insane" then. 

That was not an attempt.  Not like this January 15th thing.  That was an attempt!  I think.  I was rather out of my mind when I jumped from the top of a 5 story parking garage.  Since it was 5 stories for vehicles and was a rather new facility, I assume it was higher than 50 feet high! 

I can't believe I even did such a thing.  I hate that I am even writing about it.  I like to believe that since I did it for others, in my own sick way, God may have allowed me to live.  In my sick insane world, it was not a selfish act.  I now see how in this world it was one.  I saw that there too, but I had never been so confused and lost.  Wow.

What was all that babbling all about?  God. Why?  I am getting better.  Very, very slowly. 

Physically, I am mess.  I sure lost a lot by deciding to use again.  I lost a lot!   Hopefully, whatever health I can hold on to will matter to such a degree that I will never use again.  I was so crazy to ever use again.  I had already lost so much.  What was I thinking?

I'm still a bit confused.  When I became conscious, I believed my dad was alive.  I asked my stepmother, Marilynn, for him on the phone.  She told me he was dead.  It was then obvious to me, yet sad.  It's as if my whole world and knowledge of all I have done and had lost had to be re-realized.  It still does.  In fact, I am starting to cry right now....  I lost way to much over that sick F---'ING drug!  It hurts y s

I won't bother to fix that last typo.  However, usually when I get so emotionally overwhelmed, my typing gets out of whack like that and I have to keep hitting backspace over and over then retyping what I meant to type.  Just as I was doing that I happened to type, "It hurts y s" above, and a counselor was happening to walk by and complimented the way I look. She hadn't seen me for a couple weeks - since I got a hair cut and shaved.  She was very nice and sat down at the table I am sitting.  I apologized and explained the tears in my eyes.  She understood.  She was one of the first counselors I met with here a few times.  She was a speech counselor.  Things were that bad for me.  My mind was that confused.  They thought I may have brain damage. She complimented me and told me I had come a long way.  She was aware of my blog.  I told her I was writing it now.  I really was confused in those early days.  I really have come a long way.

People are the reason.  I have reconnected with so many friends and family.  The Universe I insanely existed in during my last run was nothing like the one I became conscious to!  Nothing.  I could not believe that people were putting together a fundraising event for me!!  My Family, My High School Friends, My Friends in Recovery.  I was so blown away!  I still am!  It's these thoughts that bring yet more tears to my eyes.  These feel different.  These feel so loving!  I am so confused.  I do feel loved and know I have to take on this confusion one day at a time.  It is slowly getting better.  I believe it may be God's pace.  This doesn't mean I don't have to pay for my mistakes, but it can be all better.

If I am never able to walk again, I'll make the best of it.  If my restroom usage stays where it is then that is where it stays.  I have not had to catheterize myself in over a week!  I have gone to the restroom on handicap toilets many times.  I have a commode by my bed at night.  Slowly but surely.  I still have a lot of pain!  I also have a plastic urinal beside by bed.  It hurts to use, but I am grateful to be able to.  Why do I explain these things?  I don't know, I just do and it is my truth.  DON'T USE DRUGS KIDS.  I mean it.  Or anyone for that matter.  It is never to late to get clean! NEVER.  On the flip side, it's never to late for something disastrous to occur.  I took it way to far and lost way to much.  I have to admit this and even, unfortunately - own it.  I try to stay positive, but I have to be honest.

THE TRUTH is what I have to live by these days.  This doesn't mean I have to tell everyone everything.  Everything about what I've done, OR everything people tell me.  I just have to live myself a truthful honest life.  I can never use drugs again.  NEVER.  It gets worse every time.  I must know this for myself.  Whatever is ahead of me must be better than my past - that included using and relapses.  I've always believed Heaven and hell could be experienced to some degree on earth.  Meaning that I have experienced both to some degree while here.  This means that if I die while in such a state over a period of time, that is where I would likely end up.  It would still ultimately be determined by God, but...

(approximately 1/2 hour later)

I just got off a long term phone conversation with a government agency that denied me health insurance.  She is going to try to reapply for me.  She was very thorough about everything, but was very nice.

It just made things so much more complicated for me that it does bring tears to my eyes.  Part of the reason it was cancelled is I never responded to their mail.  It was being sent to a friends house I once stayed with.  I am so confused.  I have been so many places over the past year.  Now, I'm... confused.

(A few hours later)

I had to do so many things that kind of got pretty much go me no where, but I am back in my bed now.  Somewhere!  I just had a very sweet young friend call me.  She reminded me something very important - that I haven't been using.  I have over 2 months clean now!   She believes it simply took something like this for me to finally stay clean forever.  I was actually heading that direction with this blog. That insurance call confused me a bit, but no matter what, staying clean is what I will get from all this. 

I have such a hard time imagining that what I did was something that got me going in the right direction, but I have to realize that.  I just have to.  That night I jumped off the building, I really had no idea what I was going for, but I obviously went for it.  And, here I am.  I was wrong to do so, but God is powerful and can work in mysterious ways I guess.  He is capable of turning bad into good.  I've seen it happen before.  I wish it didn't have to go this way, but I want to believe it has.  So like I said, here I am.  I got a long way to go.  I am just a tiger in a trance....

Listen, sure don't know what I'm going for, but I'm going to go for it for sure.

 

 

This must be heaven, tonight I cross the line.
You must be the angel, I though I might never find.
Was it you I heard singing, oh while I was chasin dreams.
Driven by the wind, like the dust that blows around,
And the rain fallin down, but I never know.

 Got to be heaven, cause heres where the rainbow ends.

If this aint the real thing, then its close enough to pretend.

When that wind blows, when the nights about to fall.

You can hear the silence call, its a certain sort of sound,

Like the rain fallin down.

Holes in whats left of my reason, holes in the knees of my blues.

Odds against me been increasin, but Ill pull through.

I never could read no road map, I dont know what the weather might do.

But when that rich wind whines and I see the dark star shine,

I got a feeling theres no time to lose, no time to lose.

Never know now, just dont never know, no.

Well its been heaven, but even the rainbows will end.

Now my sails are fillin and the wind is willin.

And Im as good as gone again.

 Im still walkin, so Im sure that I can dance.
Just a saint of circumstance, just a tiger in a trance.
And the rain fallin down, well, you never know, just dont know.
Listen, sure dont know what I going for, but Im gonna go for it for sure.....................................................    :)

 

NEW?

It seems my blog has been a little absent lately.  Well, the last one I posted, was March 10th, so I guess that makes it one day shy of a week since I last posted one - that's if I get this one posted today.  I am bored.  I'm in this hospital bed quite a bit.   I was going back and forth to the library in the beginning of my computerless days as this blog has documented - I think.  Actually, I believe a couple responses per post I will re-post in this blog came the days I actually had a computer but had new confusions to deal with!  Confused?  Me too.

Once I got my new laptop computer in the mail, I had to deal with getting it connected to the internet and also figuring out Windows 8!  Windows 8 was new to me!  I never expected it to slow me as much it did though!   My having to get connected here at the hospital was not new to me.  I had gone through that just a couple of weeks before.  I expected it to slow me.  It did.  

Each of these things had me slowed a bit.  At some point, it seems I was unable to post something on Facebook about something I was actually just thinking now!  So, I kind of laugh about it.  I was just thinking, "MY REAR END HURTS!"  More on that fact in a bit.

Another factor besides the two I mentioned (Getting reconnected & Windows 8) had also introduced itself - BlogSpot.com was unable to play YouTube videos! (Did/does my rear end pain constitute a third factor? Did I now have FOUR factors?  Who knows)

The main factor for my decision to not start writing a blog, was the fact that I noticed that the video on my last blog, Help!, would not play the YouTube Video in that blog.  In fact when I checked all of my previous blogs, none of the videos in them played!  Frustrated I was!  This was noticed many days ago.  Yesterday, I emailed BlogSpot.com's technical support people about it and it was fixed minutes later!  Faster and easier than I expected, that's for sure. 

Anyway, the other night, I didn't expect it do go so simple, so I chose not to blog.  I was tired (A fifth factor perhaps?).  I decided to write a couple of paragraphs on Facebook's Update Status or What's on your mind? 

Below is what I wrote:

"MY REAR END HURTS!

I am spending more and more time these days at a desktop computer in the library while I wait for my new laptop to arrive in the mail. I dropped and broke the screen on the last. I was due a new one anyway but the timing sure sucked.

My relapse that caused a short-term drug run (only 2 months) and ???-term hospital stay has assured me to lose weight! I've lost 30lbs! Much of it in my rear. My rear and my stomach love to gain (and lose) it first! Last I heard, I weighed 125. This is before some sweet, hometown lady friends mailed me endless supplies of my favorite sweets!

I also broke so many bones from head to toe. These bone breakings include my pelvis - in two places. I also broke my tailbone. I also shattered my back bone in my lower back. Ouch! - is all I can type. Typing takes more time = pain. Time does the healing and getting the getting use to - I guess!

I've been in this body and mind rehab place for a while. It all began in the ICU of a normal hospital for 3 weeks, January 15th! January 15th is when that faithless leap took place. Pure insanity had been reached. The big bad wolf awaited another loss arrival.

By the way, this is what that silly blog, Beaty's Babbling Brain Blog, is about. I post it, off and on, all the time. It's about my crazy days as an addict in this beautiful and crazy city - San Francisco. I say that and then I remember something it's really about - It's not about me. It's about God! Oh yeah and it's about my shooting up crystal meth. And, GOD!"

Somehow, I like to keep this blog and Facebook disconnected.  Its a long story, but it does makes some since.  I think.  I always believed that not naming people OR creating nicknames made sense when I began rewriting this blog when I was homeless a year ago.  However, I felt it was fine to name the recovery facility that excepted me and would eventually save me.  Well, it seems my naming that facility in this blog was enough to get me exited.  Well, that and my relapse of another one of my "behaviors" that was not an a written exitable offence!  It turns out my exiting from that program was more about my telling The Truth.  I thought they would try to keep me and maybe even put me on restriction for doing what I did while "she" begged me to shoot up with her, not kick me out!  It was what it is or is what it was.  It is what it is.   Here I am.  I will not name this hospital in this blog. 

OR people who are not in this hospital and have done nothing but help and encourage me.  The one exception I'll make is when I have permission to do so from a person.  

Well, I am not going to ask for permission from these kind and very giving to me young ladies for their written Facebook  responses to what I typed that night, but they were:

"So proud of you buddy keep on keeping on"

"Been thru it too babe you got it sending hugs and prayers !❤"

"I think u should make the blog a book dave i really think it would be a good book"

"IT WOULD HELP A LOT OF PEOPLE WITH ALL THE SAME PROBLEMS. ALSO GOING TO THE SCHOOLS AND TALKING TO THE KIDS FOR THERE ARE A LOT OF KIDS THAT HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT FAMILY PROBLEMS.... AND THEY END UP KILLING THEMSELVES... THERE ARE SO MANY KIDS TODAY WITH SO MANY DIFFERENT PROBLEMS."

"Yes ma'am so true !"

"Hang in there, Dave... God is good!! Keeping you in my daily prayers.. ❤"

"DAVID, THIS IS WHEN YOU TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME.... AND YOU ARE ALREADY DOING THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF... YOU ARE WRITING EVERYTHING DOWN... ANY GOOD PSYCHIATRIST.. WILL TELL YOU TO KEEP A JOURNAL OF YOUR UPS AND DOWN... ALWAYS LIVE YOU LIFE THE WAY YOUR MOTHER WOULD HAVE WISHED FOR YOU... JUST KEEP YOU MOM AND DAD IN YOUR DAILY PRAYERS AND STICK TO YOUR JOURNAL...."

After all of that was written, I wrote this:

"I agree with everything you amazing ladies have to say.  And, I
completely agree with the writing and journaling part.  Occasionally, I will have someone say to me that I tell way too many things about myself to everyone.  I believe that it is up to me to share with as many people as possible as much as possible.  I don't even share everything!  The fact of the matter is, I SHOULD BE DEAD - A few times!  I believe that everyone needs to be honest - with at least someone! This is why I am so honest with so many.  I believe if we are heading to a good place, Honesty and THE TRUTH will be very necessary there.  Those things I imagine make for a pretty good place here also!  Perhaps we should prepare ourselves with "another".  That can start by just journaling "--other" is GOD!"

After writing that response, I decided that I should copy and paste it into BlogSpot.com with the belief that I may one day choose to include in my next blog - once I figured out how to get YouTube to post a video again!  Well, like I said earlier, I did figure out how to get YouTube videos posted on my blog again.

It's always important to me that songs that are chosen for these blogs are orgtnic.  They come as they come.  When I pasted this one paragraph response in BlogSpot.com, I had no song in mind.  One has yet to surface.  I figured this paragraph may just be a part of my next blog. It is.  I simply posted in the blog title, "New?", the other night after I copied and pasted it.  I still can't think of a song and one never came up, so I guess this blog will be songless, yet remain organic.  Is it "New?"

It is "New?"
 

Help!

I am so grateful to see that my "incident" has reintroduced my friends and family to one another! This is something I continue to realize.  I am grateful for the funds raised for me too, but I think what it did for me the most was convince me that people cared about each other and that people cared about me!

This was of course before they realized it was a "suicide attempt".  And you know, even the reality of that could be in question - not really though.  However, I called it a "suicide attempt" yesterday and a great friend reminded my how twisted out of my my mind I was during that decision and how totally lost I become while shooting crystal meth and how especially lost I became this last time!  I really truly was.  I also existed in a universe where no one cared about me anymore.  It was so hard.  I was so lost.  It hurts me to think back to this now.  It even brings tears to my eyes.

While this can't be denied, I still cannot deny the reality of what I did.  Had the "attempt" killed me, I'd be dead.  PERIOD.  Reality.  I do realize that people are able to look at me and realize that if I am not using, suicide would be the last thing for me to consider!  Ever!  However, what I do while using, is what I do.  This last time, for the first time, it is what I did.  (Or attempted I should say.)

I must admit, my mind right now is feeling really strange.  It is as if I am on a mild LSD trip.  What I mean is colors are melting together and things are moving around from the corner of my eyes!  I'm a bit confused about reality.  I'm seeing things.  I'm imagining things.  It's all pretty trippy man!

I have done enough hallucinogens in my lifetime to handle these hallucinations!  It could be the increase in drugs I recently requested after long term consideration and much discussion with health care providers.  Maybe not always what I was hopping for, but...  The only reason I asked for more drugs is because I was in so much pain at night I could not sleep and I was horrifically frozen solid for long periods of time until I managed to pull or scream my way out.  It was horrible.  When I told the doctor this, she agreed I needed an increase during the evening hours as I had (?recommended?).  She increased my dosage amount 15 milligrams per dosage from 8:00 PM until 4:00 AM.  I kind of see it similar to how when I have a cold, it worsens during my evening and morning hours.  My dosage had recently been cut back for my every four hour dose anyway and that's when the pain slowly started to begin.  It was cut back 5 milligrams per dosage.  It sure seems I'm close to being back to my total normal dosage amount per day, but my loopy brain can't do the math right now!   I am also beginning to get a little more active during the day with my getting in and out of my wheel chair and going to group sessions.   

I don't know, but things are better and I made it very clear I was an drug addict to my Doctor.  Pills have never been my thing and other than the visual effects, I am not really affected by these accept for my pain reduction and help  sleeping.  I discussed my being an addict, because I do know this drug is a relatively new and serious one that some of my friends who I have met in rehab over the years have struggled with.  It (oxcycodon/oxcycotin) happens to be their drug of choice.   I've heard it referred as hillbilly heroin. While I take it seriously, heroin or pills were never drugs I enjoyed. 

My getting back to normal is coming very slowly. Very Slowly. However, I receive nice compliments from people who see me moving around or see my haircut and my clean shave all the time!  I do feel better about being able to keep up on myself. 

A few blogs ago, I mentioned the very cute Asian nurses who gave me full body, nude baths while I was really in pain and really unable to move a few weeks ago.  Don't worry folks, I am not going the wrong direction with this - I PROMISE!  (Especially to you - my local friend who suggested this warning to me!  LOL ) They were very, very professional about what they were doing and I was very professional about what I received.  It was nice to have my dirty body cleaned - by very cute women of a nationality I am attracted to.  They were so professional and the couple times it occurred, I would just lay back and comfortably enjoy it.  I WAS in a lot of pain after all and was unable to move around.   One of them is very sweet to me all the time and very friendly to me.

She came back to work this morning for the first time since I finally was back in her section again!  I now have more physical movement.   I also have a new, nicer and much neater hair cut and shave.  Her first words as I awoke were, "Wow, you're lookin' so good!  Losing all that hair.... "  She smiled very nicely. Perhaps that's why my day started off so well.  She is very kind.  She is always on time with everything and very helpful.  In fact, she helped me get into my wheel chair to come to the library!  Let me tell you, it's an ordeal.  I have to suit up in my body armor!!!  It's worth it.  While it is painful, it is a little less painful each time.  My body gets to readjusted for it's muscles.  I am also realizing that this body armor forces me into correct physical posture.  I believe I am heading in the right direction.

Dave a couple of weeks ago.

Dave Yesterday.
(I do have better photos (I am a photographer who is usually bed-bound and bored!), but this is the only one I currently have with my recent hair cut and shave that I can put on library computer - Did I mention I have self-esteem issues? Pay no attention to em'!) 

I must say, I ask for help a lot less these days than I did when I first got here.  I was even more confused and in so much pain and so helpless!    I did deserve more help back then, that is for sure.  I have adjusted by learning some.  I also have less pain.  My poor neighbor screams for help all day and sometimes all night long!  While she also deserves more help, sometimes she overdoes her requests.  I see how it's hard for the nurses here.  I'm not getting into all that.  I'd like to simply say, I love these nurses!  I love these patients!  I love this hospital!  It is helping me!  I have been helped by so many for so long.  I do appreciate that.  Thanks to this help, I have another chance at life!

I will admit, I didn't need help for so many years when I was younger.  Or, I didn't think I did, so I didn't ask.  My reality is that my drug addiction insanity has increased my need for help at times.  I also believe that I don't have the self-esteem I may once have had.  I have little self-esteem these days.  I must admit, that's where my nurse friends compliment this morning may have had it's place for me!  Thanks for all the Help everyone!   And I do appreciate you being round.  

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these daya are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

Seven Nation Army

It's kind of nice to know things are kind of heading in the right direction (kind of). I mean, I'm laying on my side (which I was unable to do a week ago – it was too painful!), typing on my laptop with a roof over my head. I thought I was going to be homeless! I mean, I was starting to lose my mind and was contacting almost no one. Life was looking pretty dark. In fact, one of the last blogs I ever wrote before I used was how using led me to hell on earth and I said that I believe that dying in hell on earth meant I would end up I hell in the afterlife. Plenty of reasons to use and plenty to look forward to wouldn't you agree? It's that delicious rush that shoots out of that needle I love!!!!

If someone would have told me that I was going to attempt suicide...wow! I would have told them no way. In fact after knowing I started using again, Hippie Chick called me a couple of months ago and told me she was slowing driving across The Golden Gate Bridge and the reason it was slow is because someone was about to jump off the rail to commit suicide. She later called me and told me that she saw that and said the first person she thought of was me! She said, “Please don't do that, so many people love you!” I thanked her for her concern, but told her I would never do such a thing. I did tell her that my sticking a needle in my arm was flirting with death enough, but I could never do something so final! Final! Well,.... that's another story. Still, Final!

I am grateful I was no where near the Golden Gate Bridge January 15^th. I was really insane that morning. As it got light that morning, the tallest thing I could find near the San Francisco International Airport, (where I happened to be close to somehow) was a 5 story parking garage! I still can't believe I actually jumped. (For you locals, I was actually in San Bruno and it was the San Bruno parking Garage.)

I am so grateful to be alive. I can't stand all this pain and wonder if I'll ever be normal or able to walk again, but.... I guess I at least got my mind back – for that I am grateful. Apparently, my skull was the last cracked bone. I was telling this woman I was meeting with this morning about recovery here at the hospital how it must have went for me – luckily! The order of destruction that is. Thank God I don't remember the fall or the landing or 3 to 4 weeks following it all, but I believe I landed on my left ankle first. Bone-wise – It hurts the absolute worst. I mean, IT HURTS. And it has large incision cuts on both sides and I saw x-rays of it. X-rays showed it to have the most pieces of bones, metal and screws as any other shattered bone area in my body – there were three other such areas.

Allow me to recall. Shattered left ankle first. Hip bone broken next Tail bone and backbone shattered next  (update on 3/10 - actually, I was a few days later updated that I broke my pelvis, ie - tailbone, in 2 places!) Ouch. Lots of screws and metal there too. Both elbows shattered next. The left shattered worse that the right. It has more pain and has received more metal and screws than the right. Left side ribs next were broken. Broken ribs suck!  (Update on 3/10 - still have broken ribs, however pain has moved to ribs in back since I have gotten more mobile - for whatever that's worth.)  I still have a big hole my skin between my left ribs from that. Apparently there was a tube sticking out from between them. I must have fell to my left side! My left collar bone was broken next. My nephew breaks his collarbone every football season and says it doesn't hurt. It just sucks because it ends his season. He was running the ball pretty good this year too! He's right about it not hurting. The only way I knew mine was broken is because it was swollen and the doctor happened to be near and I said, “Did I break my collar bone?” He said “yes”. No telling what else I broke! Then my neck was broken. Then I cracked my skull. I think that's it. But, I did crack my skull!

Oh, that's not all, pain-wise! I have plenty of nerve pain from the broken back around my rear end area! My feet and legs! Ouch! And, I have trouble going to to the restroom. I hope that changes and it slowly seems to be. I hope I can walk again! Walk again. I remember the last time I bought speed it was from my friend who is missing a leg and is in a wheelchair. I remember feeling miserable about my situation as he was weighing it up for me. I also remember looking at his situation and thinking how I needed to be grateful I could walk. I should have... yeah, right.

If these pains and worries weren't enough, there's the ones the hospital I'm currently in ads. I was mistakenly put in the Isolation Ward for 5 days. They thought I had tuberculosis. I thought it was a mistake, but voicing such a thing gets me no where. They had to run tests and I understood that. I am lucky if I happen have phone or internet access anywhere here! Up there it was internet for a short time. I can't even leave my bed! That's my fault. Up there I was constricted to my room.

I wish everyone considered the situation I have put my pathetic self into and considered the worry of my family who is far away and commonly use to me disappearing for no good reason – since I am a drug addict. I finally talked to some yesterday – by breaking my “not allowed in my wheelchair yet policy.” I do love this place, but just using the phone is so complicated and got me yelled at for truly no good reason Sunday morning by the front desk. My cell phone has service about 20 feet away from my room in the hall. I'm asking to get moved at least a few rooms down today so I can contact my family and friends in Cincinnati and here without having to use their phone or the phone in the hallway! I'm hoping I get internet access sometime today. (Yeah! 3:42 and I have it! Just proof reading.)

Oh boy, I guess all these worries give me something more to fear than my pain and my future. Not really, but.... Whatever.

I am grateful to be alive. I will be no matter how things turn out for me. If I am crippled and in pain the rest of my life, I will be grateful. I'm sure I'll be human and develop some regrets, but it is GOD'S Will I survived. I remember staring over that ledge down to that concrete parking lot and WOW! It was far. It scared me. I can't believe I jumped. Maybe I slipped on the wall trying to come back. Whatever happened, happened.

I was seriously lost for all the wrong reasons. This time I was fighting government officials trying to crush my skull with satellite, laser skull crushing devises. It was to help those I cared about (and them – they tried to help me or witness something....), but I couldn't sit through it long enough. Hearing and actually feeling my skull beginning to crush and my face begin to cave in was too much. It scares me now! There was also The Big Bad Wolf (aka the devil) trying to get me . He too tried to deal with me - something “good.” Never deal with the devil! He's not all bad, but.... He is the devil!

I felt I was in a losing battle this time. Suicide was the quickest and worst, but a way out of the mess I had everyone in “where ever” I had us! I was almost always insane at the end of my runs. If I made it through, using would be my only answer out the depression. And, I made it through the last time run! I'd get that amazingly beautiful rush and run and always hoped I'd get through that hard comedown – which I always did without ever attempting suicide. Bad things had happened, but I'd gamble. I did lost A LOT! Anything to avoid that horrible feeling! Somehow, I could not get unstuck this time. I was miserable. It hurts me so much to even think about. I'm starting to cry right now. I need to stop.

Now if only someone would bring me that password for the internet this Monday afternoon. I miss my internet friends. I miss my family too. I guess I'm a net junkie! OR, I wish someone would move me a few rooms so I could use my cell phone I could call my aunts. I never called them yesterday during my wheelchair outing. It got painful! I'd do a wheelchair outing today – 20 feet down the hall (still may), but as I said earlier, I'm not allowed. It was supposed to be approved on the 27^th but I was in Isolation! “I” make things difficult, but, I make 'em!

I'm feeling better. I am.  I'm having long, painful and very confusing nights, but the voices are long gone - mostly!  I hope I will be able carry this feeling of positivity with me as long as we need it this time into THE GOOD!  I can never use again. I felt this way before, but used. I can never use again. I pray I don't use again! It's important I don't. I'm grateful to be alive! 

I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back
They're gonna rip it off
Taking their time right behind my back
And I'm talkin' to myself at night
Because I can't forget
Back and forth through my mind
Behind a

cigarette

And the message comin' from my eyes says leave it alone...

Don't wanna hear about it
Every single one's got a story to tell
Everyone knows about it
From the Queen of England to the hounds of hell
And if I catch it comin' back my way
I'm gonna serve it to you
And that ain't what you want to hear
But that's what I'll do

And the feeling coming from my bones says find a home...

I'm going to Wichita
Far from this opera forevermore
I'm gonna work the straw
Make the sweat drip out of every pore
And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding
Right before the lord
All the words are gonna bleed from me
And I will think no more

And the stains comin' from my blood tell me "Go back home"...

Liberty

lib·er·ty

noun, plural lib·er·ties.

1.  freedom from arbitrary or despotic government or control.

2.  freedom from external or foreign rule; independence.

3.  freedom from control, interference, obligation, restriction, hampering conditions, etc.; power or right of     doing, thinking, speaking, etc., according to choice.

4.  freedom from captivity, confinement, or physical restraint: The prisoner soon regained his liberty.

5.  permission granted to a sailor, especially in the navy, to go ashore.

 

I'm back on  the Mezzanine level!  Liberty!  I do not have tuberculosis!  I was stuck in the Isolation ward for 4 days!  Talk about lonely and hard.  I could not leave my room.  I was not allowed visitors.  Could not access the internet for a few days - that is until "she" helped me!  I love "she's"!  I met some nice people up there I must admit, but I could not wait to get back to the freedom level!  I had a nice room.  I was in and older section, but it was a nice room.  I couldn't see out the the little window.  Then this sweet young woman who may have been Russian did for me a huge favor!  She shaved my face!

 

Now that, I'm back on the Mezzanine level, perhaps I'll get what I feel I am needing and was getting before while here - I full bath from the nurses.  Maybe I'll be able to get myself one soon.  Hopefully, I'll be able to get into my wheelchair and get myself the places and things I need soon enough.  Probably not too soon, but soon enough.  

 

I am in so much pain.  I am very happy to be out of that Isolation Ward.  I felt isolated enough before!  I had a feeling that that tuberculosis test was wrong.  I have had long enough experienced with needles to believe that the young man who gave me the test may have done it wrong.  I sensed it.  And, I've had plenty of TB tests recently!  

 

I'm getting pretty good at this self-diagnosis thing.  Not over doctors or real nurses, but over trainees as some are hear.  I've been at this long enough and I feel my body!  Speaking of feeling my body, they just started giving me that stomach shot again.  The nurses who don't pull up the skin and go into the muscles in my stomach - OUCH. I'm learning to tell them.  It can be painful otherwise.

 

I'm starting to believe that all of my hardcore exercise during my 8 months of recovery may have helped me in this time of life while using and while recovering from injury.  It may have helped save my life. 

 

Actually, I am pretty sure God's Will saved me.  The devil or "The Big Bad Wolf" as he claimed himself this time was always trying to convince me to die and go to hell this last time I was using.  While I didn't end up doing it his or any other famous "Government" officials way to help the souls of others, I did jump of that building to ease the life's and afterlife's of others I care about.  As much as I did not want to commit suicide, I believe I did and it was a very unselfish act.  Perhaps for that alone it was God's Will I survived.  It's not without price let me tell you, but it seems to be heading in the right direction for the bigger "everything."

 

It looks a like a indoor glassed in garden down there!  My brain still has trouble!  I think that is Bernal Heights Park up there.  For a photographer, I sure am having problems with these cameras - one on computer and phone!  Long Story.  

I used to run around this park I can see and wish I could show you a photo of while I lived with Lisa and Claus a few months ago - perhaps they can come over tonight!   I'm ready to start living as much as my very crippled butt possibly can! 

The first thing I had to do was write a blog once I learned I would be moving.  That's after I said hello to one of those cute white uniformed bath-giving Asian Nurses who had the cutest smile. :)  I also have a new nurse who is pretty cute and seems very concerned about my health and well being.  What I usually say not long after I meet a nurse is, "What's your name?", so  I of course did.  Her answer, "Liberty".  I smiled and said, "I'm currently writing a blog named Liberty!"  

I usually use nicknames early on, but I think this one deserves reality.  It deserves "The Truth".  After all, my entire push from the Isolation Ward back to The Mezzanine Level I had a certain inspiring song in my head!  And, I did have my first attempt at suicide recently!  (HOPEFULLY MY LAST!)  My life has been, well....

 
Saw a bird with a tear in his eye
 Walking to New Orleans my oh my
Hey, now, Bird, wouldn't you rather die
Than walk this world when you're born to fly?

If I was the sun, I'd look for shade
If I was a bed, I would stay unmade
If I was a river I'd run uphill
If you call me you know I will
If you call me you know I will

Ooo, freedom
Ooo, liberty
Ooo, leave me alone
To find my own way home
To find my own way home

Say what I mean and I don't give a damn
I do believe and I am who I am
Hey now Mama come and take my hand
Whole lotta shakin' all over this land

If I was an eagle I'd dress like a duck
Crawl like a lizard and honk like a truck
If I get a notion I'll climb this tree
or chop it down and you can't stop me
Chop it down and you can't stop me

Ooo, freedom
Ooo, liberty
Ooo, leave me alone
To find my own way home
To find my own way home

Went to the well but the water was dry
Dipped my bucket in the clear blue sky
Looked in the bottom and what did I see?
The whole damned world looking back at me

If I was a bottle I'd spill for love
Sake of mercy I'd kill for love
If I was a liar I'd lie for love
Sake of my baby I'd die for love
Sake of my baby I'd die for love

Ooo, freedom
Ooo, liberty
Ooo, leave me alone
To find my own way home
To find my own way home
I'm gonna find my own way home