Not an Addict

(10/20)

Well, I finally made enough to pay the rent today. I said I was working on a fine margin here, but this was cutting it a little close. I also said I'm getting just what I need as I need it. Once again, I am. I had the absolute slowest week ever. Finally, today was pretty good, but it was still a slow week. I'm still figuring things out I guess. I think I'm going to work at The Wharf this week. My small display doesn't seem to be able to compete well at the Ferry Building. I may try downtown also.

The Ferry Building and The Wharf are very different. The Wharf consists of a lot more Chinese street artists. They are very nice, but, they just do things a little differently. There presences creates more of a bargaining market atmosphere. This little Chinese lady next to me selling jewelry kept saying, “Hello pretty lady. I have something you gonna like!” It seemed to work for her too! Maybe I should try that line. I'd probably get slapped.
 

There is a lot more money to made at the Ferry Building, which is why I have worked there for years – when I was clean of course. Or, when I was using for that matter. I shot a lot of that money I made back then into my veins. Things sure are different now. I don't have someone to pay the rent. I don't have a van. I don't have my big display.

I'm grateful for what I have. I am. I knew going small would decrease sales. It seems it has a lot more than I thought it might. I chose to work at the Ferry Building all week with my small display. It could have just been a bad week, but I think I'll stick to The Wharf. We'll see. I'm also going to try downtown.

The street artists are so funny. Most like to set up at one location or the other. To them the place they choose to sell is the best. The other locations "have a bunch of assholes selling crap."  This makes me laugh. They are all good people. I have worked all locations over the years. They always ask me about the other locations before they give me that opinion. “(Their location) is much better! They sell a bunch of crap at (the other location)” I'm glad they feel that way, because the other street artists at the other locations want them to feel that way! They talk about how everyone at (the other location) is crazy!  Actually they are all crazy as far as I see it.  I guess I fit right in. 

I just outgrew everywhere but the Ferry Building because you can have a large display there and again, that's where the big money is. However, it seems being somewhere in the middle of potential money earnings for a street artist, the wharf is probably where I will make the most – I think. With my small display, I may make a lot less at the Ferry Building, and a little above average at The Wharf. A little above average is still a lot less than I used to make at The Ferry Building but more than I would make there now – if that makes any since. I think it does. I've done this a while. Like I said, I'll try downtown too. As long as I do better than last week - at the Ferry Building! I did pretty good today – at The Wharf. I used to do so good at the Ferry Building. Move on Dave.

I was just feeling so defeated all week. I try not to let it get under my skin, but it just does. Especially when I didn't have enough to pay rent and my landlord is – well I don't like to talk bad about people. He's a character. "The bosses” are going to be inspecting our rooms Wednesday. It still beats being homeless or in a program. I don't have anything to hide. I do get frustrated when I have my rent on Sunday and he's not here. Then, he calls me on Monday at 9:00 PM and says he's coming to get the rent. He'll only take cash - of course. So I say, “I'm here”. By midnight he hasn't showed, so I call him. He says, “Oh, I'm not coming tonight.”  I wasn't waiting up or anything.... So I see him Tuesday night and I of course have his rent for him and he says to me, “You know your rent is due on Sunday.” So I said, “You know, I'll gladly slip a check under the door to the office every Sunday – I'm not putting cash under that door.” I've already had $125.00 worth of gift cards Susan mailed me never show up. All the mail is left on a table in front of the office. It's just my world. She's going to mail me something else – certified. I need a PO Box. That doesn't work for everything, but still....

It's still getting better all the time. Susan is still always trying to help me. She is very sweet to me still. I don't want to depend on her though – at all. She's done too much for me in life – including save my life. If anything, I still owe her. And, if I ever get to a point where I am not poor, I will pay her as much as I can. She insists I owe her nothing. She always tried to give me half of everything after our divorce, but I refused that! I even wrote that on the divorce papers. She has still helped me in so many ways.

I really don't mind being poor. I would like a little more secutity when it comes to money in the bank I guess. I don't want to have to worry about “the boss” if I don't have the rent. I believe the money will come in time. I believe. I've had a lot of expenses lately. I use to average about $200.00 a day when I had a van and a place and nothing to really worry about. I figured if I averaged half that with my new situation, I would make it. I guess I was until this week. I guess I'm just worried because I just scaled down to that small display. Well I had it the week before but that was Fleet Week and I did great – but, that was Fleet Week. I had to make a judgment call. I didn't want to pay another months rent at that storage unit and I was just breaking my back to only be set up six hours a day. I need to give it all more time, but so far it seems I was doing better with the big display – six hours a day. The Wharf is where I belong for now.

Does anyone even care about this crap? Shooting up would be a lot more exciting. Or at least getting laid. None of that is true, but that's really all I think about sometimes when I feel defeated like I have lately. I guess it's about wanting to escape really. First I think about getting laid, then I think about shooting up and getting laid, then I just think about shooting up. I try not to think about those things. The thing about shooting that evil drug is it's like have a huge orgasm. The only thing that feels better than shooting that drug is shooting that drug and having sex. In fact, that drug is so f'd up that if I do a big enough hit, I'll have an orgasm. It's happened to me before. I know you all wanted to know that. That drug is just..... sick really. I'm not the only one that this happens to either, but please kids don't do that crap. Because after all that amazing sexual orgasmic stuff, the devil rams a flaming pitch fork through your brain, you lose everything and the only thing you can think about is – doing it again until eventually your a permanent resident in hell - and I wish I could sum it up in a way that was more realistic to just how mentally and physically horrible it is.  It's a dark and horrific spiral into hell.   That is until hopefully, God helps you out, but don't take your chances please.  God is amazing, but we need to make good decisions.  Hell is not an easy place to get out of – even on earth. If anyone needs to remember that, it's me.

That would be one costly orgasm. I'd loose everything. EVERYTHING. Possibly my life. And, if I'm in hell on earth when I die, then..... I'm not going to use. I feel like a real piece of garbage for being so selfish and to have wasted all that money and time when I had Susan to help me and take care of everything. I can't tell you how bad that makes me feel. Poor me, right? That was just the earthly stuff. That drug feels that good however - that I kept risking, “one more time” enough times to lose it all and maybe more. Thank God it wasn't more. Never again. I hope and pray.

Speaking of sex and hell, last night there was this guy on the corner of Columbus and Broadway with a bull horn and friends with big signs saying, "Sinner, Fornicator, Homosexual...."  He was saying, "Look at you all, you're on Broadway!  You are sexual sinners!"  I felt like saying, "Hey man, I live here."  But, then I realized that pretty much the reason I ended up with a place on Broadway is because I am a sexual sinner.  In fact, the reality for me was I was really wanting to be a sexual sinner last night.  That's just the truth.  Feeling down makes me want to feel good - somehow!  I'm not saying it's right, it's just how I feel.  It's what my brain "does."   That is one area of my "addiction" that I am very quick to dismiss as not really part of my addiction at all.  It's not really.  See?

 

I also got that $3000 hospital bill this week. I'm meeting with them on Wednesday to try to get my Healthy San Francisco straightened out. Apparently, I don't have it yet. I would have never gone to the hospital for those tests had I known that. Or, I would have gotten it first! Being homeless makes it hard to get mail to know I was supposed to meet with them at the end of last year. It's a long story, but, I think it will be okay. I hope. I asked two people at two desks, “Will there be a fee for this?” I got two, “Nos”. Obviously, I was asking the wrong people. However, the lady on the phone at Healthy San Francisco said they should still cover it. I hope so.

I think I'm right where I am supposed to be. Having a lot of money right now may not be a good thing. I'd probably be in a different mind set if I did however. I don't know. Man, I feel so selfish for all that I did in the past. I'm sorry about this blog. I really am. It's not really been anything very Godly or helpful or inspiring lately. I guess it's honest. Honestly ridiculous. I'm sorry about my attitude right now. I need to be a lot more grateful. I hate feeling this way. I can't use. I wanted to say “That sucks,”, but actually, that's a blessing.

What sucks is that I had to hurt and lose Susan to get to this point in my life to where using is not an option I can choose. It's just not. It's so much more than all that too. It's huge. I was sitting behind my stand today and I had to think to myself, “There are a million reasons why I cannot use.” Just then I looked over and was looking right into the eyes of a little girl with down syndrome. My first thought was, “and, you're one of them.” Seeing her also reminded me there are more than a million reasons why I can't use. It really is that huge. I know this in my heart. We must all do the next right thing all the time or as many times was we can - when we can.

I remember when Susan and I were in Seattle. Before we flew there, I had just gone insane again and was getting a staph infection on my arm. I was kind of miserable, but tried to make the best of it. We were there to see the Bengals play the Seahawks. I nearly ruined that trip like I ruined so many other things. I at least went. We went to the Experience Museum. They have these rooms like recording studios you can go into and play instruments. In one they had a guitar and a keyboard. I started playing Not an Addict by K's Choice and Susan chimed in perfectly with the keyboard playing the notes to the lyrics. It moved me so much. I didn't even think she paid attention to my guitar playing back then – especially that song. I don't know why I used to think she didn't care about me as much as she did.  It was that stupid drug....  And stupid me.  She did so much for me. I do miss her. I know things are what they are, but I guess I have a lot of sadness and guilt still. She's a good person. I hope she gets all her kind soul deserves.

If there was ever a song that described what it was like to be an IV drug user, it's this one: 

(10/21)

Quickly:  Before I put that video up, I would like to say that I had a great day financially today - at The Wharf.  I was worried I would not be able the pay the rent at the beginning of yesterday.  I almost made enough today to pay two weeks rent.  I now have enough to pay this weeks, next weeks, and part of the next.  I hate to say it, but I feel so much better now. Now I want to get laid!  I'm just being stupid.  Actually, my messed up mind goes there all the time, however, I actually don't really have that urge nearly as much as I do when I don't do well.  I think it's a couple of things really.  One, I get my since of approval from EVERYONE buying photos from me.  Making money also feels good, so I kind of get my fix that way.  I know this is such a deep subject.  There is some truth to what I am saying.  I know some of this is rediculous, but I am trying to be honest about my rediculous brain.  It does kind of help me at least.  

I think more than anything is I can just breathe a little easier now.  I think everyone wants to feel a since of security like that.  That uncertainty just had my head spinning.  I still need to be responsible.

Now, I want to go watch the end of the Bengals game.  If they could just win, it will be a really great day!  Every bar in town has only the Giants game on every TV right now - except one.  On my corner is a Steelers bar - go figure.  I think the Giants game is almost over so I guess I'll wait and watch the end of the game at Tupelo.  They have good fries and this really hot bartender who is really friendly and wow..  Plus, I don't think I could stomach hanging out with Steeler fans.  Who Dey!

Oh yeah, this song, like I started to say.  In my opinion, if there was ever a song that summed up how it feels to be an IV drug user and how using goes for an IV drug user:

Breathe it in and breathe it out
And pass it on, it's almost out
We're so creative, so much more
We're high above but on the floor

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side

The deeper you stick it in your vein
The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain
I'm in heaven, I'm a god
I'm everywhere, I feel so hot

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

It's over now, I'm cold, alone
I'm just a person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me
(Nothing means a thing to me)

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

Free me, leave me
Watch me as I'm going down
Free me, see me
Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling.

It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive I feel...
It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)
I'm not an addict...