Sometimes Love Just Aint Enough

I really don't want to go on and on about this. I feel like I really need to let this subject go more than I do. The subject is of course Susan. I mentioned how lately I've been sad about how things went for us. How living in this neighborhood has brought back memories and going to the Fillmore to see that Dead cover band brought back a lot of memories.

I guess I am just entering back into normal life and have a lot of time to think. I am very grateful for the rehab program I was in, but it was just not normal life. It also gave me a lot more to think about all the time. So much of my normal life today also is a life that Susan existed in for many years. Especially during the clean times. My being a street artist and living in San Francisco has a lot to do with it. And when I say living, I mean actually living. Something we couldn't always do together because of my addiction. However, when we did, we really did.

I feel like a big baby about all this sometimes. I've just had a lot of strong emotions lately. I wrote in the blog, He's Gone about how every time I would go into Walgreen's to buy a syringe in that last year when I was using and when things were really falling apart for us there always seemed to be a song playing that spoke to Susan and my relationship coming to an end. I have no idea how to explain how hard what the two of us went through together was for us.  It was really hard. Love and addiction is so complicated, confusing and heart breaking.

My next trip into Walgreen’s on my way to work the morning after I posted that blog was no different. I guess Walgreen's plays a lot of love songs and a lot of love songs are break up songs.  I'm sure this song speaks to plenty of people.  I guess it was Saturday morning. I was feeling pretty down already. I needed to pay rent on Sunday - $185 for the week. I had $100. Normally, making $85 on a Saturday would be a low amount.  However, I had made $84 all week! And that included a Sunday which I made zero! I was at least grateful that the Walgreen's on the way to The Wharf excepted food stamps so I could at least buy lunch so I stopped in on my way to work.

The song that I heard when I walked through the door is one that really seems to describe what Susan and I went through at the end. If I wasn't feeling pathetic enough! It is such a beautiful song, but it just made me so sad or emotional or something. It's been in my head for a couple of days now. I don't know why, but sometimes it helps me to write about this stuff. I actually like the song too. I love their voices together. I'm really trying to get over it. 

Susan always tried to love me until I loved myself.  I remember one day we were walking down the street and I was a tweaked out mess.  We saw someone had written on the sidewalk the famous words of The Beatles, "All You Need Is Love." She commented something like , "If only that were true!"   I think the lyrics to this song (and even the video) pretty well sum it up for how it went for us.

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough.
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough.