You Get What You Give

Man I felt like crap today.  I've kind of been sick all week, but this morning, I really didn't feel good.  Sunday night, I was really sick.  Going to work on Monday was not even an option.  This morning, I felt sick again, but felt I wasn't sick enough to skip work.  I decided to lay back down for a few and didn't wake up until almost 10:00 AM, so finally said, "Forget it!" 

Monday, I slept until 4:00!  I felt horrible.  I felt better by the end of the day.  I even went to my book group Monday night.  It consists of 5 lovely ladies and a rocket scientist/deadhead.  My kind of people, right?   In all seriuousness, it is a good group of people.  And, those lovely ladies are very intelligent and kind.  And the rocket scientist.  I mean he's a rocket scientist!  Well, he used to be.  Once a rocket scientist always a rocket scientist as far as I'm concerned.

I just got interrupted by good ole Hefe Grande on Facebook!  I love Hefe.  He's doing very good.  He is now living in Colorado and is working as a chef.  I promised him I would come visit him eventually.  I have a lot of friends in Colorado.  He reminded me that we still have a trip to Mexico City to take together.  He has family there.  I also now have a place to stay in Beijing, but I need to be patient for that trip.  The first place I want to visit is home - Cincinnati.  I also want to get to Oregon to visit all my amazing friends there - aka The Hot Chocolate Kids.

I like nicknames.  I talked to Gina today and she thought it would be funny if I gave God a nickname.  Actually, I told her I kind of already did.  I started by calling God, "The Universe" in the early days.  And, I also like to call God "The Truth".  Perhaps she was looking for something more fun, like "Big Daddy in the Sky" or "Godzilla".  What about a nickname for Gina?  I once thought "Daughter Earth" would fit her since she's so earth conscious.  Maybe just plain old "Nerd" would be best.  I love Nerds - especially Gina.  She's a good sport!  I guess she'll stay Gina - Nerd.

Where was I?  I'm in a good mood now.  It was so nice to hear from Hefe.  We don't all die and go to prison or become homeless!  In fact, many of the guys I met at Soul Assistance are doing well.  I will be forever grateful for that place, but I am so glad I'm gone.  Man, some of those guys.....  I have been going there once or twice a week for the past two months to get my ID that was being mailed there.  It finally came, however, the person who handled the mail was on his way to work the other day and didn't have time to get it.  He said to come back.  I stopped to get it the other night and I was told, "They sent it back!" I don't want to get started.  It's not like I wasn't going there all the time asking for it.  Goodness!  Oh well, I'm sure it won't be a hassle at the DMV....

I love that place, but it was always something.....  Which makes me realize that my time with My Little Dark Angel might have been time well spent!  It just might be one of the best _____ I ever had.  Enough of that!  It was still wrong.  I sure think about it a lot.  I need to straighten up my act here!

Lets change the subject.  I love North Beach.  It pretty much seems to be inhabited by cops, firefighters, mobsters and strippers.  I think if I walked into any one of the cafes and said, "Hey, Frankie!", the entire place would turn around and look at me.  Do you know how you can tell if a frog is Italian?  Wait until it hops away and see if he says, "Ribbitderci!"  That's stupid.

I'm actually glad I stayed home today.  It ended up raining!  Not a lot, but enough.  I can't believe it's already raining.  I think the last time it rained, I was homeless!  Maybe it rained a couple of times while I was in the program.  It didn't really remind me of being homeless.  Being homeless in the rain sucked. Which reminds me of something else that sucks in the rain - being a cyclist!

The absolute best way to get around in this city by far is on a bike.  It's the fastest, funnest and healthiest.  However, it sucks when you are sick or when it rains.  So, when you are sick and it rains - it really sucks.   And death monsters, please be more aware of us when it rains.  It's bad enough you cut us off or park in our bike lanes when it's dry.  Having to slam on my brakes because some idiot woman on her cell phone turned right in front of me in the rain is no fun.  I've seem to many cyclist go down that way.  And, why do death monsters have to park in bike lanes all the time.  Why don't death monsters park their own big lanes and block death monster traffic in huge death monster lanes?  Oh, I know why - it would make the other death monsters mad!  Bike lanes are not death monster parking spots, even for a minute!  I know it sucks to park those big things, so...ride a bike!  Or, drive around until a proper space is found.   Boy, I just went off, huh?  I promise I'm all about coexisting out there, but sometimes.....

I had to go pick up a prescription on the other side of town at General Hospital for my pain in my shoulder.  It's non narcotic.  It says it's for chronic pain and depression.  I thought that was weird (the depression part).  I have been feeling depressed a little lately, but I really don't think I'm clinically depressed.  I just think I messed a lot up and have reason to be sad sometimes.  I was prescribed it for chronic pain anyway.  And, since my doctor is so damn cute, I trust her.  When's my next appointment?

Now that I have been approved to stay at my place, I went to my ONE REMAINING storage unit to get some things (I emptied the one by the ballpark yesterday.  I'm going with the small display full time and I can keep all of it at my place)!  While I condensed my things to one unit, I got some things - like an armoire and rugs and some pictures to hang on the wall.  It definitely feels a lot more like home, which is great.  However, it does feel like the last home I remember having well over a year ago.  This is good and bad.  I'm grateful to have what I have, but many of my things remind me of my life here with Susan of course.  Again, this is good and bad.  It just makes me a little sad I guess.  Many of the things I found were things (like paperwork) just before I lost everything with her.  It was kind of frozen in time.

My place exists because of Susan - and Richard!  Richard gave me a TV and DVD/VCR player with a whole bunch of movies.  Having this was nice today being sick!  He also gave me a whole bunch of other things!  I keep telling him how much I owe him and he keeps telling me he'll take me up on it.  However, it seems my helping him will also be very cool.  He wants me to help him host this event at the Roxie Theater for his films and also help him make a film!  I'm looking forward to these things!  I mean, he's been helping me do things like move furniture!  He's helped me a lot of ways.  He's been a great friend.

Many others have helped me get to this place I am today too.  I can't forget Donald (Buckeye) and Debra and Lisa and Claus!  Those guys let me stay with them after I was exited from Soul Assistance.  I would never gotten to this point without them!  All these people are absolutely awesome.  And Donald is hooking me up with tickets to Dark Star Orchestra at The Fillmore and in Napa!  Or, like I told Gina today, those tickets came from God!  I''m going on tour!  Thanks Donald - and God!

When I was talking about escaping the other day, I knew I wouldn't.  It was just feelings and cravings I was having.  I did escape by running I guess.  That's not so bad.  During all those thoughts, one song after the other came on the radio  reminding me not to give up.  I'm not kidding, it just didn't stop.  Life will continue to improve.  Life will be life, but it will improve.  Life is beautiful.  I can't even remember all of the songs, but I do remember the last one I heard before I walked out of my place.  Which reminded me, this is so much bigger than my just wanting to escape.  It's not nearly that simple.  How can I forget just how big all this really is and where I have been and where I go!  Where I stay by not giving up is so much better!  I suspect it will only continue to improve.  After all I have gotten, it is important that I continue to give - anyway I can.

One, two
One, two, three

Wake up kids
We've got the dreamers disease
Age 14 we got you down on your knees
So polite, you're busy still saying please

Frienemies, who when you're down ain't your friend
Every night we smash their Mercedes-Benz
First we run and then we laugh till we cry

But when the night is falling
You cannot find the light, light
If you feel your dreams are dying
Hold tight

You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give

I'm coming home, baby
You're tops
Give it to me now

Four a.m. we ran a miracle mile
We're flat broke but hey we do it in style
The bad rich
God's flying in for your trial

But when the night is falling
You cannot find a friend, friend
You feel your tree is breaking
Just then

You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you

One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give

This whole damn world can fall apart
You'll be ok, follow your heart
You're in harms way I'm right behind
Now say you're mine

You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give
Don't let go
I feel the music in you

Fly high, high
What's real can't die
You only get what you give
You gonna get what you give

Just don't be afraid to leave

Health insurance rip off lying
FDA big bankers buying
Fake computer crashes dining

Cloning while they're multiplying
Fashion shoots with Beck and Hanson
Courtney love and Marilyn Manson
You're all fakes

Run to your mansions
Come around
We'll kick your ass in

Don't let go
One dance left
Don't give up
Can't forget
Don't