Actually, today wasn't a complete zero. I got a chicken sandwich! I got that as I was packing up to leave. These two older gentlemen who were talking to me earlier in the day brought it to me. We had talked for a while (as I've been known to do). At some point they asked me about "how business was" and I made a comment that, "It was slower than when I was out here in 2010...." They asked, "Where" I had been. I of course told them. At the end of the day, they brought me a chicken sandwich! They said they were thinking about me after we talked. I really wasn't fishing for chicken, but I ate it!
I just tell The Truth. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not embarrassed by my past either - well most of it. There were times when my behavior was, well, embarrassing. That just kind of goes with the territory of addiction. If anything, what I really want people to do when I tell my story is see others who are in my situation currently as human beings who deserve hope.
So many people help me. To me, it's a God thing to me. And still, sometimes - I go astray. I do things like - wonder into The Lusty Lady.... That's what made me want to shoot up last week. That's just The Truth. Should that be capitalized in this instance? That woman was beautiful in that private little show. Is this the kind of Truth God appreciates? I have no idea. Is it wrong for everyone to go into the Lusty Lady, including the Lusty Ladies? I have no idea. Was it wrong for me. It made me want to shoot up, so, I'd say, "Yeah". I think it was because I have shot up in that place before. Those type of places are really nasty anyway.
Maybe if I went into the more traditional strip joints, I'd be okay. I bet I could do that. I could order a fancy cocktail. I bet I could even start shooting up socially. Maybe, they'll let me shoot up at the bar. Bottom line - STAY OUT OF ALL STRIP JOINTS! ESPECIALLY THE LUSTY LADY!
There's The Truth. It's not very attractive. She was. Man. Enough! A needle in my arm won't make me attractive. In fact, it might make me dead. It will make me insane. It won't make me sexy. I'd feel sexy, but I woudn't be sexy. I'd be a tweaked out mess in hell. DO NOT FORGET THIS FACT. Thank you terror....Thank you consequence....thank you clarity. These things are actually pretty powerful for my recovery. Thank U.
Actually, I have kind of started searching for that big guy in the sky a little more lately. I like to turn my back. Take back my will. Have doubts. Lose faith. I don't know why because God is so amazing really. I know this.
I had a friend who is a street artist ask if he could go to church with me. I was very happy for this! We went and the sermon really spoke to both of us in so many ways. I knew what he was going through and I knew it was speaking to him. Afterward, he said it was very emotional for him. As I have written, it is that for me all the time. God is amazing.
I get exactly what I need as i need it. The bible verse at church was surrounding Matthew 5:3:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"
I was recently one who lost everything and was very poor in spirit. I had to become very humble and in many ways believe it is because of this that I may be enheriting the Kingdom of Heaven. I must remain in faith. My life is pretty beautiful. I work hard and have just enough to get by, but I get everything I need as I need it. I am so grateful for what little I have.
That chicken sandwich was good! I'm a freegan you know. Thanks Gina - I love that term! Or perhaps I should thank...
Since I have been on my on own, I have been eating more vegetarian. My soul will not allow my to purchase meat. For one, I like animals. The main reason however, is Susan. It meant way to much to her and she saved my life. For me to do something that would kill an animal would just be wrong. That's just for me. I do love the taste of meat. If it is given to me, I will eat it. I don't want it to go to waste. I will not however purchase meat for the rest of my life. This I have vowed. I sure fucked up those other vows! That was drug related. It still hurts. A lot sometimes.
Yesterday was so beautiful. I spent it with my new BFF - Richard, Matt Nathanson, Alanis Morrissette and a few thousand others at Golden Gate Park. Richard has been very good to me lately. He really has been a good friend. We had a great time. We had to sneak into a free concert! We got there at 1:00 and they said it was too crowded and there wasn't enough water. This bummed us out, but we stuck around the gate and Richard heckled the cops. I made a comment that "we were powerless". Richard didn't like this way of thinking for our situation. Neither did I really but I figured we just wouldn't be getting in. A large crowd started to leave, the cops looked the other way, there was a crack in the barricades and through the gate I slipped with Richard following. I hate being powerless sometimes! DAVE AND RICHARDS WILL WIN! It really wasn't that crowded and Richard brought water! We had a good time. We got really close too. I think we could thank the crowd control for that! It's not like being clean makes me perfect.
The encore was of course - Thank U.
how bout getting off these antibiotics
how bout stopping eating when I'm full up
how bout them transparent dangling carrots
how bout that ever elusive kudo
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
how bout me not blaming you for everything
how bout me enjoying the moment for once
how bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
how bout grieving it all one at a time
thank you india
thank you terror
thank you disillusionment
thank you frailty
thank you consequence
thank you thank you silence
the moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
the moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down
how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
thank you india
thank you providence
thank you disillusionment
thank you nothingness
thank you clarity
thank you thank you silence
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