Best I Ever Had

I can 't believe it's October.  Time really has been flying.  Has it really been 2 months since Susan left?  I can't tell if it feels longer or shorter.  My life has been a whirlwind of activity.  I can't believe I have my own place.  I can't believe I've been clean this long.  Life is not that bad, but I miss Susan sometimes.   I miss what we once had I guess.

It's not like I'm not well aware of reality, but I still get sad sometimes.  Perhaps it's being in North Beach.  North Beach is where I prosposed to Susan in 1995.  I see Coit Tower every day.  I see the Royal Pacific Motor Lodge everyday.  I see Sam's Pizza - everyday. 

I've also been working at Fisherman's Wharf lately.  That's where I worked in my early days of being a street artists when I had no reason to believe it would ever be anything but me and Susan.  Life really isn't that bad and I of course know it's over.  I hope she's happy.  I hope she get's everything her kind soul deserves.  I know I was hard on her.  I always figured she'd be a lot better off without me.  I still never wanted to let go.  I'm reading this book that's kind of about that right now with this group I'm in, but I'll get into that some other time.  Basically, change is hard - even when it might be best.

I feel like escaping, but I can't.  And for this, I feel like a selfish, self-centered piece of garbage.   Knowing I'd lose everything now is a big deterrent.  For that I don't feel good about myself.  That also makes me want to escape, just because -  but I won't.  Selfish.  Susan helped me get out of hell out of love so many times....   

It's still because of her I have as much as I do have in some ways.  I had to do a lot this last time to get out.  Selfish.  It has a lot to do with God and trying to be selfless - I guess.

I need to focus on my recovery again.  Life really is good being clean.  I love it in fact.  I have so much to be grateful for.  I have so much more I could write, but I'd rather escape in a healthy way.  I'm going to take a run through this beautiful city tonight.  It's a great high for me these days.  Especially now that I live right next to the Financial District and get to run through all the highrises.   It's beautiful to me.

All I want to explain in many more words is basically - things are good.   I have a lot of work to do, but that's good. I'm figuring things out - on my own.  That's a miracle.  Which reminds me, I'm not on my own.  I have so much I could say, but I need to run. I can....  I still feel a little lonely sometimes.  Running clears my head.  It also wears me out.

Da way I'ze feelin sounds like its time for some country music....   I do like Gary Allan.  He's one of my kind.   

And, "It's not that bad...."

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay, love can be so boring
And nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now.

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had.

So you stole my world, now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl leaves me down and loney
Well send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better.

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
Dont want me back
You're just the best I ever had.

And it might take some time to patch me up inside
but I cant take it so I, I run away and hide
And I might find in time that you were always right
You're always right.

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning
Now, I'm here to stay, love can be so boring
Was it what you wanted?
Could it be I'm haunted?

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
Dont want me back
You're just the best I ever had.

You're just the best I ever had