Help On The Way

I am so overwhelmed in life.  My brain feels numb.  I haven't written a blog in a few days.  Last year I got about 10,000 hits on my blog.  It looks like I have gotten an additional 1,000 hits in the last month!  Wow.  Readership does seem to be increasing.  Whatever that means.  To me it means I have to be more responsible in my actions and things I write. 

About a month ago, I wrote how I was up to 10,000 hits.  Now, I am 7 hits away from 11,000 - whatever that means.  It means I need to be more grateful.  It's not like I'm not, I just feel numb and overwhelmed.  I don't even know how to begin.  I guess with another blog.  Perhaps I should start one....

Here we go.  My brain feels so....  I don't even know.  I don't know what to say or how to begin.  I have recently made a couple of sales and likely have more on the way.  The problem for me is my problems I created in the past for starters.

A few months ago, on my first great "outing" in a very long time, I believe it was on San Bruno Mountain, it all began.  I think it was on Christmas Eve.   I was not that high up in the mountain, because I could here people talking and kids playing.  I was trying to get as high up as I could so I could be in a secluded place - as instructed.  It's the first night I realized that "they", as in "the dark side" were able to get to me.  "They" could consume into the ground if I would just "lay still" as they ordered me to over and over.  I was just so afraid of where I was heading. 

I can't imagine anyone looking forward to going to hell.  I sure wasn't.  Still, I was insane already and no longer wanted to hurt people.  I had a pocket knife on my key chain.  I tried to cut my wrist, but it was way to dull and I was way to unwilling.  The devil was not happy.  Didn't I just write how I needed to be more responsible in my writing?

I do.  I am grateful to be alive.  And, that insane occurrence on Christmas Eve occurred!  I say that because I want people to know that even though I was on drugs, that really was "real".   I don't know how to prove it.  Nor do I need to prove it. The Truth for me is that it is The Truth for me. If I prove such a thing, I sure would like to be heading in the other direction - not hell! 

Perhaps I am.  I guess my whole point about that "occurrence" is that I lost my keys.  I also lost my phone!  It had so many peoples numbers.  Two of them that I missed just got in touch with me a couple of days ago.  Both of them were in the drug rehab program I was a few months ago.  One of them stopped by.  The other one called the hospitals front desk and left a message - on the same day!  Talk about a coincidence!  I've said it before, there is no such thing as a coincidence.

One of the two guys is doing well.  He works for City Church, which I like to attend.  He told me I had to start attending again and become a member soon!  He said they "take care of there own there."  I do believe in that church - a lot.  I don't want to rely on them to help me work or find a place to live, but he made it sound as though they could help in those departments. 

It's not as though I'm not willing and trying to get back to my old way of taking care of myself as a street artist.  In fact, yesterday I went to my storage units and looked for everything I need to make the sales I recently made.  I found all but two of them.  It was hard for me since I wasn't the one who packed it away.  I was in a coma and my amazing friends did it for me.  They did a great job, but I still had to pick up and move many things.  The only thing I could not find in my one storage spaces was my 4x6 inch photo paper.  That is obviously an awfully small box of paper to find.  I did find everything else like the larger paper, matte boards, paper cutter, Photoshop 6 elements, etc....

I was not able to get into my other storage unit because I lost those keys back on Christmas Eve.  I bought a hack saw, but was unable to work it.  I think that was because I didn't have the proper screwdriver AND, I was exhausted.  I attempted to do it after I found my other things.  Finding them took so much moving things around for a couple of hours.  This really hurt my back! 

I also learned of  a locksmith that is $60.00.  So much more than I can afford, however, at least one of my sales is for $60.00 to cover it.  The other sale is for $150.00!  That one should take care of me for the next many months - as long as I get into a rehab that is. 

Which reminds me, my other friend from that program is in a homeless shelter.  He lost his job.  He went back to the program we were in, but he relapsed, so now he's now in a homeless shelter.

Speaking of relapse, my dear friend who was going to help me get my things from my storage shelter and bring them here relapsed.  He had 2 years clean!  I hate this disease.  Just writing about this brings tears to my eyes.  It chokes me up.  It's time for lunch....

********

Lunch is over.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, my friend relapsed.  He was going to help me get my printer, paper, mattes, and frames together and bring them here since I made those sales.  Unfortunately, I am now on my own.  I have another friend who may help me if she can.  I'm waiting to hear from her right now.  Yesterday, I went and did all I could.  The one thing I was unable to accomplish was getting that storage space open that has the frames I need.  I need to get into that storage some day, some how anyway. 

I'm going to call the locksmith right now.  Be right back.... 

Well, I guess they are going to call me right back.  I just hope it is $60.00.  I also hope that Lowes takes back the hack saw and blades I bought.  I really might have been able to do it if removing and changing the blades weren't so complicated.  I bent it up a little trying.  I hope they take it back.  It was $11.00.  The extra blades I bought were $3.19 plus tax. 

I just imagined myself on my way to a Grateful Dead concert for some reason.  It could be that I just put on a t-shirt that I purchased in 1995 after Jerry died.  I don't know.  My brain is so messed up.  The steal your face on my shirt has tears in it's eyes.  So do I now.  Susan always knew how to make laundry last.  My god, this shirt is 18 years old!  I'm so messed up.  I get so depressed so easy.  I can't help it.  I can't change the past.

My brain is not a good thing.  I don't mean to sound negative, but I think that it is 100% necessary that I am Truthful.  Using drugs will destroy most human beings to some degree.  I hope that some how people learn this from this blog some how and that it will save some ones life or happiness or security or wellbeing or future or anything and everything drugs steal. 

Speaking of my one friend from the program who called me.  I may have already said, but he is currently in a homeless shelter.  Based on my meeting with my doctor and nurses and hospital personnel this morning, that may be where I am heading.  I will write about this more in a bit.   I was just invited by my favorite hospital personnel here to join in on a ceramics class.  I'll Be back in  a few.  I am going to exercise afterwards.   I am allowed to do personal physical therapy at 3:00 PM everyday.  I might as well utilize it while they let me.  I'll, "no longer need to be in the hospital" as my doctor put it this morning.  I'll be back in few.  These days are hard.  I mean that.


**********

Okay, where was I?  Who knows.  I feel so numb.  I feel depressed.  Why?  I just messed up I guess.  I am so overwhelmed.  I should calm myself down.  I'm getting help tomorrow.  I am meeting the locksmith tomorrow at either 2:00 or 3:00.  I originally scheduled to meet at 2:00, but my friend who is going to help me said she could not be there until 4:00 or 5:00, so I just called and left a message asking if they could meet me at 3:00.  This will give me a little more time.  I plan on going to Lowes to hopefully return that saw.  I did not use it, but I did bend it up a tiny bit just trying to remove two of the saws so I could get to one.  It was so complicated.  Now, I can't even get the twisty thing on.  Okay, it's 3:00.  They just called and said that time was fine.  Oh, and by the way, this is me being a "locksmith".

(MISSING PHOTO)

Great.  I can't even post the photo I just took on here.  Man, I am so overwhelmed with so much I can't even begin to tell you.  I am fucking crying right now!  I can't take this.  I mean it!  There is just so much right now!  GOD!  Please!  This hurts me so bad. 

The simplest little things.  It's got to be evil.  I mean that.  My computer is messing up so bad.  I have said for years, evil always finds a way into my computer.  I have said for years, evil has never given up on me.  I know I sound insane, and it's because I feel it right now.  My life goes this way.  Just when things kind of go my way, these crazy little glitches start to appear. 

My doctor discussed "plan B or plan C" in my meeting this morning.  I know plan B is putting me in a homeless shelter.  Perhaps her "Plan C" is my moving back to Cincinnati.  I love my family and friends there and might even want to move back there some day, but now is not the time!  The thing is, I put the ball in there hands a few weeks ago.  I love this hospital, but it always moves slow on everything.  I have yet to hear from a drug rehab center to discuss my issues.  I'm just enjoying the time I have here.  The truth is, I need it!  I am in SOOOOO much pain at night.  One of those green sleeping mats on top of those metal drawers at a homeless shelter will not be something that won't have me screaming my head off all night.  I do that now in this bed that adjust to my body's pain.

I really need to calm down.  My friend is helping me tomorrow complete something I already began.  I will have to do what I am doing some day - eventually.  Thankfully, I will be able to make some money and get heading back in the right direction soon.  Actually, that does feel good.  I really am very manic these days.  I go from, fear to tears to a little bit of pride and feeling better.  I must never, ever forget that I must always be grateful to be alive.  I'm pretty sure I was heading to a bad place if my suicide attempt was successful - possibly forever.   I wholeheartedly believe it to be God's Will that I survived.

I made all this hard on me.  I lost my keys.  I broke my last computer.  This one is working okay.  I don't get it.  It's brand new!  I do a lot on it, but it's just giving me little problems in all the wrong places.  The truth is, as long as it prints those photos I sold on my printer tomorrow, I'll be okay.  The rest of the stuff is just.... I don't really know.  For instance, why can I not place a photo I just took on this blog.  I do that all the time!  It's such a simple procedure. 

STILL!  I just tried again.  It even completely shuts down windows now!  Something is really up.  These "little" issues keep arising.  It's just a computer.  This computer is a big part of my life seeing as though I am a digital photographer.  I was simply trying to.... STOP!  I am not going on and on about all these "little" things it won't let me do.  I'm just confused.  I am a little worried. 

My ranting and raving about evil never giving up on me, well, I can't deny that.  I've lost so many battles.  As long as I help us win the war, then that's it.  I must win my war.  Why is my life like this?  I'm sorry.  I don't mean to sound so pathetic.  It's just the way things go for me.  I wrote song years ago called, Sonny Days Ahead.  Some of the verses go:

There are constant battles, Good doesn't always win.
I just hope I win my battle and help us all get in.

That photo from above! Can you tell I've had a couple of frustrating days?  I'm Sorry!  My goodness, it looks like I'm crying!  LOL.  I bet I look awful when I do cry!

 

Okay.  There is that photo. My God it was SOOOOO hard.  I mean, I don't even understand what just happened.  All I know is I lost the ability to do almost anything - including get online for a couple hours.  I had to restore my system over and over and over.  I also had to refresh my system.  Now, I can get online.  I can post photos.  However, I have lost everything I have ever installed.  I don't get it.  Well, at least I figured something out.  I just re-downloaded OpenOffice.org!  Thank God.  Okay, now I am going to try to re-download Nikon NX2.  I just started. Who knows.  All I know is that I am so tired.  I am so confused about my life.  I am so frustrated.  
 
I hope I can get another copy of Photoshop 7.  I have the case that my Photoshop Elements 6 came in now.  I found it while at my storage bin yesterday.  I also found the proper disc for my Nikon Picture Project 1.5, which is actually the product that came out before NX2.  I got the disc when I bought my Nikon D50. 
 
I really would be fine with my original two disc that I purchased.  In fact, I like them even better because I am so used to them.  However, it appears as though they are not compatible with Windows 8, which my new computer has.  I could see how new software would not work on an old computer, but I can't see how old software does not work on a new computer - operating system that is.  It makes no sense.
 
My goodness, I have no idea how I lost all these programs.  It's not huge deal because they are free. In fact, it does appear as though I have managed to save two of my most important ones - OpenOffice and NX2.  Now, if I can only get Photoshop 7 back.  Tomorrow is an art class day.  I will go up in the morning and ask him if I can borrow the disc again. 

Then, I am going to my storage unit and my friend is going to meet me there to help me bring my printer to the hospital so I can print these photos and make these sales!  And, oh yeah, even though I lost all my programs, I didn't lose any files!  THANK GOD! 

You know what?  These past couple days have been really hard.  But I never really lost faith.  I know evil took its shot at me again today, but now that it's all over, I almost feel like evil simply managed to play its part in God's world.  The Bible even makes references to how evil will in some ways help God.  Or, help people find God or have more faith in God. 

My heart feels warm right now.  My bed is so comfortable right now.  I have a lot ahead of me, but it will continue to work out.  I must stay faithful ALL THE TIME!  ALL THE TIME!!!! Some times are hard, I will admit.  I'll make it. 

God is always trying to help me.  I made things SOOOO hard this time.  I really dug myself deep.  I have said that before and it is true.  I put myself in a huge predicament that will be hard to get out of.  The only way out is God's way.  Period.  Help is on the way.  I must never forget that.  I hope this blog is a little bit of clear evidence to how God works.  I didn't see it coming this way today.  Thank you God.  I love you.  We sure are going to have a good tomorrow.  I can't wait to hop on the MUNI bus towards my storage unit! 
 

 

Paradise waits, on the crest of a wave, her angels in flames.
She has no pain, like a child she is pure, she is not to blame.
Poised for flight, wings spread bright, spring from night into the sun.
Dont stop to run, she can fly like a lie, she cant be outdone.

Tell me the cost; I can pay, let me go, tell me love is not lost.
Sell everything; without love day to day insanitys king.
I will pay day by day, anyway, lock, bolt and key.
Crippled but free, I was blind all the time I was learning to see.

Help on the way, well, I know only this, Ive got you today.
Dont fly away, cause I love what I love and I want it that way.
I will stay one more day, like I say, honey its you.
Making it too, without love in a dream it will never come true.

 

Comfortably Numb

I am so tired right now.  I feel very good right now.  In my recent blogs, I have written about feeling sad or depressed.  I was certainly depressed recently.  I was also very concerned about moving on into the real world. 
 
I still am a little, but I got some of the best news recently.  My whole world has changed.  My fear and depression and worried days have been lifted in so many ways. 
 
A few days ago, I called one of my good friends who is a street artist.  I've known him for years.  He's a Kiwi. I love this guy.  He has always had a good head on his shoulders.  He has always tried to help keep me clean.  He has always been frustrated with me when I don't stay clean.  He was so nice to Susan.  He has always told me how it is.  He tells me The Truth.  That is what I need to hear. 
 
A few years ago he put together some storage spaces for street artists in a pier underneath the Bay Bridge.  It is only about 3 (flat and smooth) blocks from Justin Herman Plaza.  This is the large plaza by the Ferry Building.  Justin Herman plaza has been my preferred place to sell my photography for the last 8 years.  Last year, I only left Justin Herman Plaza because my storage unit closed at 6:00 and I had to start packing up at 4:00.  I decided to close my storage unit and go with my small display.  My small display kind of got lost at Justin Herman plaza, so I started selling at Fisherman's Wharf.  I was doing okay there until I relapsed.  I was at least paying the rent and saving a little money until then.  
 
Now, I'll be able to keep my large display in that storage space which has 24 hour access!  Justin Herman Plaza has two very busy selling times - lunch time and the end of the day between 4:00PM and 6:00PM.  Locals are heading to catch their ferry's home and tourist are on their way back to their rooms.  I'd say I use to make 75% of my money between 4:00PM and 6:00PM, back in the days when I had a van to store my stuff in  which enabled me to stay as long as I wanted.  Having a storage space a mile away that closed at 6:00 PM made things hard for me. 
 
Like I said, Fisherman's Wharf was paying the bills, but now it would be so hard to even load my small cart up and down stairs to an apartment every day.  I used to carry all my stuff up and down the steps to the second floor where I lived.   It was hard even when I was in great shape.  I also had to push my small cart a mile to get to any of my selling places.  I lived right in the middle of all three.  I chose Fisherman's Wharf most of the time because my small display fit in better their.  My small display got lost at Justin Herman Plaza.  Now I can use my large display and stay open until the final rush hour!
 
I am so grateful for this.  I am so glad that I chose to live in faith, not fear.  My Kiwi friend is such a good friend.  He even referred a fundraising opportunity for me on the street artists email.  He is now the street artist manager at Justin Herman Plaza!  It is a pretty major position to be voted into so this says a lot about him.
 
Physically, I have a way to go still, but I am on the right track.  I honestly don't think I'd ever be able to push a cart as far as I used to.  This storage is so close, I can take my time and it is open 24 hours! 

My next step is of course drug rehab.   I need it.  I will never use again, but I need it.  I have relapsed so many times when I have had so many reasons not to use again.  I have lost everything.  Everything.  I have nearly lost my life a few times.  This last time I even tried to make that happen.  Today, my orthopedic surgeon told me to jump from 10 stories next time instead of 5.  He said they were able to save my life from 5.  Well, fortunately, 5 was the tallest parking garage I could find that morning since I had walked 15 miles south of the city.  I of course thank him for saving my life - this time.  All of this silly talk aside, I will have to work a program of recovery for the rest of my life to live.

God is very good.  Evil never gives up on me.  I don't know why this is, but I believe it to be true.  It works in strange, sometimes biblical and long term ways.  It's plans unravel slowly and it's attempts to get me come at just the right times.  Times when I am down.  Or, times when I could use something to make me feel good.  It's only looking back at the past that I am able to see these things.  I have to look back quite a while to see how this darkness unfolded to bring me to where I am today.

All of what got me to where I am today unraveled so slowly, but I can look back and see it now.  Making good decisions is so important for me in life.  Having faith is so important.  Being 100% honest about my behavior and my life is the only way I will survive.  I'm not saying that I have to tell all details of my life to everyone.  My nerve damage creates painful and embarrassing issues for me.  It's not like I have to tell the world the details, but I do tell some people I trust and people who need to know, like my doctor.  

As I mentioned earlier, I was speaking to my orthopedic surgeon about it today and he showed me the x-ray of my pelvis area and how I shattered the bone in which all my nerves for urine and bowel movements are attached.  He said it may never completely heel.  My left arm for instance will never be able to be straightened.  It is stuck that way.  However, I don't have to catheterize myself any more at least.   It is all still so painful and time consuming for me.  Urinating is no easy task.  That's enough said about all that stuff I said I wouldn't get into.

My dark behavior created this.  Sexual behavior cannot happen for me either.  I mean that from the bottom of my heart.  I'm done.  I have to be.  I think that I will never be with a woman again.  I had my chance at my soul mate so many times.  I'm done.  

The nerve damage may play its part, but it is also something in my mind this time around.  Based on all I did sexually in the past, it may just have to be the cross I have to bear.  It could be a choice I'm making, who knows? 

Not to get into to may details again, but I will say that my area of my body that I use the restroom and contains my sexual organ of course, still has little feeling.  It is numb or tingles.  Sometimes it is even painful.  I think I landed on my rear end after a 50 foot fall and that created a lot of issues down there.  I have a lot of nerve damage.  Again, with the person I used to be, it may be the cross I have to bear.

How did this blog get this way?  It's suppose to be a happy good news blog!  My life is good.  I guess I just get confused about women.  I'm kind of afraid.  Shooting speed and having sex are so connected to me.  I don't know what more to say.  I still find myself so very attracted to women but I have to stay away from women for a long time at least.  I think I may have to forever.  Let me get off this subject.

My life has been so positive.  I have not used my wheelchair for a week.  I will likely never use it again!  The only possible time I may use it again is Thursday when I go help Richard make that film!  I am so excited to do that.  I am going to photograph all of these poets, actors and musicians for this documentary film Richard is making.  He wants some still shots in it.  Gina is also going to help.  Back when it looked like I would not able to help, Gina stepped up to do it. 

Gina and Richard have done so much for me!  I love them both.  It's funny, because before my incident they had never met.  I kept telling Gina, "You have to meet Richard!" and I kept telling Richard, "You have to meet Gina!"  Well, I guess the met.  It was not the best way for them to meet, but it just shows what great people both of them are that they came together to help me the way they both did.  They both did so much for me when I was in a coma. 

I photographed the musical Richard was in on Sunday.  He was in the musical The Fanatasticks.  It is so good.  I recommend seeing it if it is ever playing near you.  I'm pretty sure it plays in New York right now.   I read somewhere that it is the longest running musical on Broadway.  It was a great experience for me to photograph it. 

 

Richard was a few characters, including a pirate...

and an Indian.  His character was so much fun!

This is the cast.  I have posted many photos of the performance on my Facebook.  It's in my album under "The Fantasticks" of course.

I have put together a price sheet of photos of the musical for the actors, families of the actors and fans of the musical to purchase.  I met a nice lady whose daughter was in the musical and she is very interested in purchasing a photo.  I will matte and frame them upon request.

I have also been working very hard for the hospitals newspaper.  They are going to put my headshot in the next paper so it will be known that I am the photographer for the newspaper.  I hope that cop who tried to bust me photographing the fish tank sees it.  I imagine that I will not be here much longer, but I have told them that would like to volunteer at the hospital.  This will be a perfect way for me to do that.  I will come back on days when they are having big events and photograph them.

All of this I am doing is such great experience for me.  It's all such a resume builder.  I now have an opportunity to do what I love doing and am ready to start doing as soon as I am transitioning out of rehab.  I love being a street artist!  Now I can even go back to being this!!!!

As can be seen above, this was the photo I used the last time I was excited about getting back to work!  Now I can even use this display at Justin Herman Plaza!

I don't know when I will start again this time, but I am keeping up with all of my tax fees.  I've become so incredibly organized and on top of things since I've been here.  I just feel different about things these days. 

I believe that some day, my life will be good.  I always did pretty good as a street artist.  I could just never stay clean!  The times when I stayed clean, my business always grew.  In some ways, I have lately been acting as if I'm back in business.  I'm organizing my business responsibilities.  I'm even preparing some new photos to be sold.  I'm creating files to be the exact size that will be printed.  For instance, I am turning them into jpegs that are 8x10's, 11x14's and 3.5x5's for my greeting cards on my computer. 

I already have many photos that sell while I'm out there.  Now that I have time on my hands in this hospital, I am going back through the recent years and looking for some more.  Or, I am trying to take some more.  I think that I have some wonderful nature scene opportunities from up on this little mountain.  These shots will especially be nice on greeting cards. 
 
I will also sell prints of my art that I have been drawing and painting!  I never really thought I could do that again, but I can to some degree.  I have some created nice opportunities.

As you can see, I have this photo I drew with pastels already prepared to be printed on an 8 1/2" X 11" sheet of photo paper.  I print it and then cut out to be 3 1/2" X 5"and paste them on note cards.  This is a photo I took last fall while in Bernal Heights Park.  It just has another stem in front of it in the actual photo.

 


See?  My art teacher suggested I Photoshop it out.  I thought about it, but that is just not the type of Photoshop work I like to do.  I figured I could just try to recreate it.  Who knows, now that I am better at Photoshop, I may try.  It's not as if the scene didn't happen.



 

Here is one that I did Photoshop a little bit.  This is something new for me to do.  I kind of like it in this one.  Not sure if others will like it, but really do.  One of my friends saw it on Facebook and said it reminded her of The Matrix. 

This one is not Photoshopped.  I just love the way I brought these Market Street skyscrapers together by the angle in which I chose to put the camera at the base of the corner of a Market Street building.

I'm not sure if I'll print this one.  I used one of my photos that I sell a lot of to draw it.  I struggled with this powdery type of pastel.  I seem to prefer the oily ones.

 

Here is the shot.  I should have used a wider piece of paper.  I could have done some more with the Bay Bridge to the right.  I sell a few of this one.

 

I used one of my photos for this one. I've never actually tried to sell it.  I will print this one to try to sell.  I did it with pencil.

Well, I'd have to get some special size photo paper and mattes, but it would likely sell.  That or I could use the original print and sell it as an 8X10 or 16X20.  I think I'll start with the drawing.



I kind of like this one too.  I was my first pastel I did since I was in high school.  I did use oil pastels.  The original has so much texture.  My art teacher loves it.  I did not draw it from a photo.  I just made it up.    The first person who saw it gave it a name - "Sky".



One thing I have discovered in this hospital is that I do have some of my old artistic abilities back.  I think they may continue.  I may have to get rescreened by the San Francisco Arts Commission to be able to sell them.  I don't mind.  I'll go in there and draw something in front of the committee to prove I can. 

I'll tell you something of mine that has really improved since I've been here is my artistic computer skills.  Especially my Photoshop skills.  I actually prefer Nikon NX2 for simple photo improvements.  I especially love it for it's organizational management of photos.  That's important when one takes thousands of photos.  I highly recommend NX2.  It is a free download.  Click here to download it.   Since I am the photographer at this hospital, I was given a copy of Photoshop 7.0.1.   That is so cool.  It cost over $100.00 and I do love it.  However, I use NX2 more.  It's great for a photographer.  It's made my Nikon.  I still appreciate being given that software.

I have also been practicing the guitar quite a bit lately.   I usually play guitar out on the patio so I don't bother any one.  Tonight it was so windy that I came into the dining room to play.  Everyone loved it.  Especially the nurses.  They were dancing as they prepared every ones drugs.  Sounds like a party, huh?  They tell me all day long how great I am doing by walking and how great I look when I walk.  That's the last thing I needed was more compliments for something else!  There is an organ/piano in the dining room.  My next door neighbor plays piano.   He's kind of new at it, but he knows the chords. 

Tonight, he asked me if I knew any Pink Floyd songs.  I do.  Of all songs to ask me if I knew, I know Comfortably Numb very well.  It is a song I have related to quite a bit over they years.  I have watched The Wall so many times.  I watched it when I was young all the time.  In recent years past, I even watched it while I was tweaking in my room with all the lights off.   

After he asked me if I knew it, I played the guitar and sang and as I switched chords, I yelled out what the next chord was going to be.  Eventually, he kind of caught on, but it helped if I yelled out the chords.  It ended up sounding pretty good.  It was nice to "jam" with someone.

It is an awesome song.  It is song that I can relate to so much.  It's about a guy shooting up.  I love that movie, The Wall.  As I said, years ago, when I was in high school I watched it all the time.  Back then, I was realized it was anti war movie.  I saw it on for the bigger picture back then.  It was a good vs. evil.   I knew war was wrong and hurt people!   I never really saw the personal level so closely where the kid grew up in mental pain as a result of the war and he grew up without his dad.  Later in life, he became a rock star, a drug addict, had issues with women, went crazy and then went to the dark side himself.  In the end, he comes back to the good.  I think in some ways I am this guy.  I have never actually been a rock star, but I sure have partied like one.  As I said earlier, that dark side will never give up on me.  It hasn't yet.  This is hard for me to understand. 

I have been feeling so grateful and so good lately.  I'm ready to move on with life.  I do want to take it slow however.  Believe it or not, I am learning to do something I have always needed to do in life.  I am learning how to walk at a snails pace.   I guess in some ways, I don't really have a choice lately.  Learning how to walk on that cane really matters to me.  If I go slow and think, I can walk very close to normal.  Speeding up causes me to limp and stumble.   It's never good to limp and stumble.  It is those times that I end up falling.

Slowly.... Surely.... Slowly.... Surely.... Thank you God.  I get it.

Everyone in this hospital tells me I am a miracle.  Sometimes I feel bad for all of the other patients here who are not making as much progress as me.  I do feel good of course.  I had a nurse earlier today remind me of my early days here.  I was unable to move my entire body.  I was in so much pain 24 hours a day.  No one thought I would walk again.  Or, even be "normal" again.  Early on, they treated me as if my brain damage were permanent.  Times were so hard for me 3 months ago.  If I keep getting better, that is a miracle too!

I really do like this song.  It does not represent where I am today, but it definitely represents how I used to feel.  It was once a way my life really was.  I remember being crashed out and when the only thing that got me going again was another hit.  Years ago, I would go to people feeling so down.   I would be so exhausted.  I didn't even have a word to say.  I just put my head down and rolled up my sleeve.  That was the days before I hit myself.  It was really even like that once I did learn to hit myself.  That was so many years ago.   I remember those days.  It huts me to think of them.

Everyone of these words ring true to how I would feel before I used.  

Come on now, I hear your feeling down, Well I can ease the pain, get you on your feet again. Relax, I'll need some information first, Just the basic facts, Can you show me where it hurts?

 

 

Hello,
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?

Come on
Now
I hear you're feeling down
I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again

Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move
But I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like
Two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain
You would not understand
This is not how I am

I... Have become comfortably numb

O.K.
Just a little pin prick
There'll be no more aaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick

Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working
Good
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on
It's time to go

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move
But I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I... Have become comfortably numb

Dreams

I've been feeling pretty depressed lately.  I mean, I am incredibly grateful to be alive and I do have faith that things will be okay, but I'm just kind of depressed.  Perhaps it's loneliness, I don't know.  Maybe I am finally reaching the stage of mourning the loss of the relationship I cherished for many years. 

I have been divorced for two years, however, those first two were really hard to exist in.  I mean I was shooting meth and homeless or in a shelter or in a rehab or couch surfing or re-starting a business and having to work really hard at restarting my business to pay my rent.  Finally, I did relapse and that was simply insane.  Those times were hard.

I guess that being in this hospital has given me lots of time to think - and be alone.  I keep myself very, very busy here, but there is a lot of down time.  It seems that recently, most of that down time I have been sad.  I cry a lot - by myself of course.  Well, my roommate is on the other side of the curtain, but he is not really all together.  He makes lots of crazy noises.  He is also Chinese and doesn't speak much English.  We wave to each other and are friendly to each other, but that's about it.

I guess my existences in the past were always so crazy.  I always had to be "on the lookout."  I mean on the street, I always had to be aware of what was going on around me for obvious reasons.  In the shelter, there were also people that were always looking to start something or take something. And, who can forget "Rudy" in the last program I was in.  He was always trying to fight me.  In fact, he was the person who got me into the office just before I was kicked out of that program and I believe in some ways played a part in my being exited. It's a much longer story and it's long term result led me to where I am today.

You know, since I was young, I have believed that there has always been "something" after me.  Something dark.  I know I wrote about it years ago, but there was something incredibly strange occurring in my universe when I was young.  There was a "black van" that would not leave us alone when I was really young. 
 
We lived on 5 acres in Morrow.  The house was identical to the one my family lives in today in Loveland.  My dad help build both of them.  They are both bi-levels.  Our home was broken into frequently.   Our dog was poisoned.  Our windows were always busted out.  My dad kept many guns and would sometimes hide in the weeds out back and then chase the "black van" away by shooting the guns in the air!   One time, my dads guns were stolen and then found out our church next door. 
 
Years later, when I was having such a hard time with my addiction, Susan knew how messed up I was and wanted to know, "What Happened?"  My dad told her.  As  a result,  I learned more about what it really was.  I learned The Truth.  The Truth confuses and hurts me so bad to this day, that I still can't share it with others.  I usually share my truths, but this one involves others.  It's so hard for me to even think about it.  It confuses me.
 
Years later, things got so dark and crazy for me again and my little brother started talking about a "black van" that kept coming around.  I knew something was up.  Something very bad.  My dad died a couple months later.

There is so, so, so much more to all of that that I just wrote.  It hurts me to even think about it.  I mean I have tears in my eyes now.   My life has been so far from normal.  All that stuff is on realities side.  My existence for the last nine years has been so insane.  The Voices were so hard to understand.  All of the things I have seen out here....  Things I saw at Lands End.  The Presidio.  Ocean Beach.  All those years.  All those things!

Even now, this guy won't let up on me - in this hospital.  I've known he was crazy.  He walks around talking to himself.  I wrote about him in my last blog and how he keeps coming into my room and asking me why I'm here.  He has also ram sacks my room when I'm not in it.  He has grabbed my clothes and threw them all over my room.  Yesterday, he came and asked, "Are you comfortable?"  I said, "Yes".  He then said, "I wouldn't get too comfortable".   Later in the night he came in and closed the door and said, "This is not your room...."  Finally, the last time, he came in, closed my door and said, "What in the #%&^ are you doing in my room.  GET OUT!"  I said, "YOU GET THE #%&^ OUT!  This is my room!"  He did.  I then went to the office and told them that I was not going to take this guy threatening me.  It was one thing for him to come in and be confused, but to start threatening me is a whole other story!

Sister is outside.  She just yelled, "HELP!".  They are telling her to say her hail marries. 

I'm just so depressed.  I feel like I probably belong here.  I mean, it is a place for the physically ill, but most of us aren't really "all there" either.  They say that I am.  I think I am.  I so badly want my life back.  I was so close to having it.  I ruined it by relapsing.  I've done that SO many times!  I love being a street artist.  I'm not sure that I will ever be able to be one again.  Maybe someday.  Perhaps I'll get a job. 

I have a little job!  I am the newspaper photographer for the hospital.  Oh yeah, I almost got busted for that the other night!  It was so ridiculous.  It was a beautiful night.  I went upstairs to get some great shots of the fog rolling over the trees.  I also photographed the old hospital.  As I came in off the balcony, a nurse started telling me I was not allowed to take photos of patients.  I hadn't been, but I am of course asked to photography events here all the time!  I just left.  I went down a few floors and started photographing the fish tank.  I guess she called the police. 
 


This is the old hospital.

 

This is the new one that I live in.

 

This is one of the trees in the fog outside on the little mountain.

These are the fish I got busted photographing.  I guess I didn't have their permission.

 

As I was photographing the fish, suddenly I sensed someone behind me.  I turned around and it was a cop.  He called me in.  He wanted to know if I was a resident.  I mean I was in my wheelchair.  He told me I was not allowed to take photos.  It's all so ridiculous.  I take photos to help me.  Can I not do this?  It calms my soul.  I need that.  The other reason I was up there taking photos was because it was mothers day.  I thought I might get a nice shot for my step mother or one of my aunts.  I've had many mothers.  I'm also the official photographer for this place. 

The Director of Communications who runs the newspaper even wants me to give her a head shot so she can put it in the next edition of the newspaper.  Perhaps I should take it to that cop and show him it.  I have seen him a couple of times since. 

I love taking photos.  I have even agreed to be a volunteer for this hospital as a photographer when I am no longer here.  It's not as if I'll be around much longer if they have it their way!  I am grateful for this place and did offer to do this.  It will be good for me.
 
"Help Lady Look!", is what I just heard Sister yell.  "Help, Help, Lady, Look, Lady, Lady Look!" 
 
I want out of here!  I'm sorry.  I do love it here, but I need to get on with life.  My next stop won't be much better.  It is where I do need to be.  Why does "someone" always mess with me.  ALWAYS!  Not sister of course, she listens to me and likes me.  I like her.  Perhaps that's it.  Most people like me.  This turns the dark side against me.  This crazy guy here just happened to step into my room a few days ago.  I don't think he has ever really seen me. 
 
All the nurses are so proud of me.  They always praise me when they see me walking.  This makes me smile right now.  I feel so good right now.  I guess I'm manic.  Most people here are proud of me.  So many of us patients are in physical therapy being taught how to walk again, yet I am the only one who walks while upstairs on our floor.  It's kind of sad.  I really don't want to make people envy me.  I don't want to hurt people's feelings.   However, some of them refer to physical therapy as "the torture chamber."  I guess I've always worked out and enjoy it. No pain, no gain!

"Help, help, help."  Poor sister.  I pray for her a lot.  "Help! HEEELLLPPP!!" These are her words right now.  I feel sorry for her.  I actually even felt sorry for the tall skinny crazy guy who threatened me last night.  I mean, I told the front desk about him before he did that, but I also prayed for him.  I still do, but I really hope they get him off this floor.  His behavior is getting worse and worse and darker and darker.  I hate to say it, but that is the pattern that has come after me in the past.  I mentioned his behavior to the front desk today and they told me that he would no longer be on this floor.  We'll see.

I mean, 95% of the darkness that has come upon me has been personally derived.    Well, that may be the case lately at least.  It may have been a completely different percentage when I was young.  That darkness might have been more to blame from something.  It may have been 95%.  That's the way darkness works, isn't it?

Good will always win.  Always.  I have got to stay on the wining side.  It's so important.  SO, SO important.  It almost got me.  Man, it almost got me.  Thank you God.  God gives me so many chances.  I love God.  I mean that.  I mean, I have no idea what God is or how God works.  I'm not here to preach anything really, but I have to say that I can NEVER deny God.  I mean that.  I may get really confused about God, but I can never deny God. 

I have certainly known of God's existence and still chosen the wrong thing to do.  Over and over and over and over and over and over SO MANY TIMES, that it has brought me here.  I have lost so, so, so much.  SO much.  However, I am alive.  I am alive.  I am alive. I am alive.  Thank you!

Sister just said, "Let's go now, we'll see it."  I wonder what sister thinks we'll see?

Oh yeah, I have four months clean today.  I am so grateful for that.  It's strange for me.  My "birthday", as many in recovery call their clean date, will always be the day that I attempted suicide.  Seems hard to get too happily worked up over, huh?  I've hurt my life.  I have made so many bad decisions.  I have learned of so many things beyond even my understanding at least, but I have nothing. 

As long as I stay clean and believe in God, my life will get better, but my past mistakes have brought me to hard place to live.  I don't mean to be so down about things.  I have been given so many chances.  I have failed at many.  I will not fail at this one.  I will embrace it.  I made things tough, but I will dream another dream.  It's almost dinner time.  I am going to walk around the big hospital block!   I believe I am finally heading in the right direction.  I hope and I pray.  Sorry if this blog wasn't very inspiring.  I have to be honest about the way I feel.  My head is a little messed up right now.

I have to admit, that my favorite part of my day is physical therapy at 1:00.  Hey, Sister just yelled, "LET'S PRAY!"  That's better sister.  Anyway, at the end of each of my sessions, I get to ride a stationary bike and I have been riding a stationary bike!  I love it.  Yesterday, I started listening to my MP3 player I used to run with.  I listened to Van Halen, 5150.  I can't tell you how great it felt to hear the song Dreams.  In fact, it's almost dinner time.  I'm going to do a lap walking with my cane and I'm going to start by listening to that song!  I do love that I'm alive.
 
(Walk & Dinner over)
Well as I took my lap I saw my crazy, tall, skinny "friend" at the end of the hall. I guess he's still on this floor.  I'm sure he asked not to be moved.  I have always been able to do this, but always let them move me because someone else needs the room I'm in.  It's a long story.  Anyway, his being at the end of the hall didn't stop my walking exercise plan.  By time I got to the end I originally saw him, he had walked out on the patio.  I'm not going to say anything except for in this blog right now, but they sure have never had a problem moving me all over this hospital on a moments notice.  I've been in six rooms!
 
Oh yeah, the whole reason I wanted to write some more is because I realized during that beautiful song that my physical therapist gave me an order today - "Park the Wheelchair!"  I can't tell you what that means to me.  It means a lot of pain, but it means a lot of glory.  I promise I'll do my best to NEVER sit in that wheel chair again.  It will sit where it is.  The hardest part will be the morning, but I think I can do it!   I pray I never need a wheelchair again!   



I wheelchair is an amazing tool for someone who cannot walk.  I was so grateful to get out of my bed and into that wheelchair!  I am so grateful that I will likely not be necessary for me continue to use it.  I will always pray for those in which a wheelchair is necessary.  This includes many of my new friends.


 
Oh yeah!  I have something else so incredibly exciting to share!  Something that I was so upset with myself for not being able to partake in.  My good friend who is a filmmaker wanted me to be director of photography for an awesome film he is making.  I blogged about it a long time ago, before my "incident". 

As a result of my "incident", we both figured I couldn't do it.  Well, the timing seems to have worked out right for us.  The ten year anniversary of the event he is making the film about is next Thursday!  Miraculously, I am walking with a cane which makes me very mobile.  Not fast, but this will probably be a good thing for what I will need to do as a photographer.  

I am allowed to get a night pass!  I am so happy just writing about it!  I can't wait to do it!  Oh my God, this makes me so happy.  I have GOOD tears in my eyes! 
 
I may have to use my wheelchair to get from Richard's home to the 16th and Mission Bart Station Plaza a few large blocks away.  This is where this event has taken place every Thursday night for the past ten years.  I'm sorry if I have to use the wheelchair "physical therapist".  I know I was told to "park it", but it will be worth it.  I will keep it parked at the hospital, I promise!  However, it may be too long for me to walk there and then have to walk around the event for a couple hours. 

The event is poetry, art, music, spoken word....  Many of the people who go to my old favorite hang out, Brainwash, also go there - to this event!  I miss Brainwash.  I can't wait until next Thursday.  I can't wait to get my life back!  I am.  I am. 
 
This past Sunday, I photographed the Musical Richard is in.  He is SO awesome!  I love Richard!  He has been so good to me and he is an amazing actor and a great filmmaker!  I am so grateful to be a part of this.  Words cannot describe it.  It's the "help" I owe Richard!  He helped me move into my place in North Beach.  He helped me get my street artist business going again AND he moved my stuff from my place in North Beach to my storage unit when I was in a coma.  He is an amazing friend.  He also approved me to use his name in my blog a while back.  Way before he became so amazing to me! 
 
Life is getting better.  I have a long ways to go.  I will find a job in San Francisco to hold me over until I can be a street artist again.  I will likely look for other types of work.  I sure enjoyed photographing The Fantasticks that Richard was in. 
 

 

She is obviously beautiful.  She is a great actor and she has a beautiful voice!

 

 

Richard is such a great actor!

 

This was one of my favorite scenes.  I got some great shots during it also! 

  

 


I'm going to the musical again on Sunday with another one of my friends.  I look forward to it.  I REALLY look forward to next Thursday night!

Oh yeah:
So baby dry your eyes.  Save all the tears you've cried....



 

 World turns black and white
Pictures in an empty room
Your love starts fallin' down
Better change your tune
Yeah, you reach for the golden ring
Reach for the sky
Baby, just spread your wings

We'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind

Run, run, run away
Like a train runnin' off the track
Got the truth bein' left behind
Falls between the cracks
Standin' on broken dreams
Never losin' sight, ah
Well just spread your wings

We'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher
Leave it all behind

So baby dry your eyes
Save all the tears you've cried
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
'Cause we belong in a world that must be strong
Oh, that's what dreams are made of

Yeah, we'll get higher and higher
Straight up we'll climb
Higher and higher
Leave it all behind
Oh, we'll get higher and higher
Who knows what we'll find?

So baby dry your eyes
Save all the tears you've cried
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
Oh baby, we belong in a world that must be strong
Oh, that's what dreams are made of

And in the end on dreams we will depend
'Cause that's what love is made of