Heaven Nor Hell

(I wrote this one around August 1, 2013)

"Coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous."

-Albert Einstein

The Haight is so cold in the summer!  When we first moved here, we lived in Lower Haight.  That's about where the fog stops.  I could always see it out our back door.  We moved here from Cincinnati in August, so the cool weather was very welcome.

I do love San Francisco weather, but I miss the neighborhood we lived for 9 years - SoMa.  It's basically downtown.  It's always sunny!  That's my one requirement when I get my own place - a sunny neighborhood.    Well, that and I love tall buildings.  We didn't live in The Financial District where skyscrapers touch each other like New York City, but we lived where one was on every block.  And, they are going up on every block. 

(10/4/13 - was in our old neighborhood this morning and photographed these new ones going up.)

I'm feeling grateful that my morphine came through today.  Man, that doctor sure hurt me and made me sick.  Doctors aren't supposed to do that!  I have been taking a much smaller amount since Saturday (It was Thursday).  That morphine is a wicked drug.  It's as if I'm addicted to it already!  I am an addict - ON MORPHINE!

I did request my last doctor reduce my milligrams.  I'm going from 200mg per day to 160mg per day.  I used to be on 300mg a day at one time.  It is me who is getting me off that stuff!  I always asked to be weaned off or taken off of a medication.  I am not on psychiatric medications anymore.  Seeing as though I was in the hospital because I attempted suicide, they had me on a few.

I have to admit, coming completely off the Seroquel had me very depressed.  It was timed right with the nausea created by the unscheduled morphine withdrawal.  I hope all of that will end with one pill tonight!  I look forward to the day when I take NOTHING.  I'm the one who did this to myself.

The thing that gets me through is the light at the end of the tunnel someday.  In a few months, I will have my own place.  Then, I'm heading home!  I can't wait to see my family and my friends in Cincinnati.  It's been almost 3 years!  Let me tell you, those years have been hard - and insane.  I was homeless for almost a year!  I was in the hospital for 6 months.  I was in an SRO for 4 months.  And, by the time I get to go home, I will have been in a rehab for a year!  None of those things were great.

The SRO when I was clean and working was of course the best.  The 2 months that I was using was pure hell.  That's when I attempted suicide.  The hospital was 2nd best.  No, being homeless, clean and couch surfing for a couple of months was 2nd best.  The hospital was 3rd.  The Christian program 4th.  This program 5th.  Homeless and using was 6th.  Actually, the worst, 7th I guess, was the relapse in the SRO. 

Like I said, I became suicidal.  I even took a leap.  It was that or allow the devil consume my soul or allow the government eliminate me with their satellite rays.  After, our President helped me get clean last time.  Either way, I was going to a "never ending" hell.  I should tell the whole story of those days someday.  Basically, the voices in the parallel Universe went from being there to help me like and angel to the devil himself.  "I saw and angel become the devil."  LITTERALLY!

I wandered around this city, looking for places for the devil to consume my soul.  Actually, he was "the big bad wolf" this time.  Oh man, the time it got close to me in Golden Gate Park when I was secluded in the woods near the Ocean.  Wow.  I just got chills thinking of the "Growl" I heard.  It was not in my head.  I could tell the difference.  Talk about creepy and scary.  I was on my way to hell.  That devil will never give up - on anyone!  Especially me.  It's been after me since I was a child. 

I must always thank God for sparing my life and MY SOUL!  To be in a "never ending" hell with all those I ever put there and the devil....  Too much.  That's where I was heading!  I was trying to spare my loved ones souls! 

God is amazing.  I love the Einstein quote.  I always say, "There is no such thing as a coincidence."  God is so good at staying anonymous.  God is so beautifully subtle.  That big bad wolf was not very subtle.  He did need me to be in "the wilderness" a few times.

 A few times, I went into San Bruno Mountain.  Evil's vehicle was coming out of the ground and getting very close to finding me, but it freaked too much me out so I shook it off.  For my soul to be consumed, I had to remain perfectly still.  I had to cross over completely to the parallel Universe.  Since that wasn't working, I tried to cut my wrist, but my pocket knife was way to dull.   It was Christmas Eve.  I had found the pocket knife and kept it.  It is still very dull.    It's good for some things.  I'm glad it wasn't good for that.

The other reason I was reluctant to do that is someone would have to find my body.  I could her children playing in the street below.  My body would have disappeared if I would have crossed over.  It was so dark and insane.  I lost my keys and a phone that night. I lost 2 phones during those 2 months.  I was no longer going to exist, so I had no reason to keep track of them much.   I thank God those days are over.

When I feel like these days are hard, I need always remember those.  And, I was so caught up in shooting that evil drug.  My goodness, New Years Eve was even worse.  I went to an Asian massage parlor.  I love Asian women. Right after I paid her for "full service", which is basically supposed to have a "happy ending", she  went to pay her manager.   While she did that, I did an 80 unit hit of that evil drug.  That in itself is orgasmic.  I can't even write about it.  It messes me up STILL!  I want EVERYTHING I got after that 80 unit hit.  She was so hot.  It was so good.  I hate that drug so much.  I can feel it in my chest.  I shouldn't write about that part. 

I had sex with her for a while and she asked me why I was taking so long.  I'm always telling the truth and told her I was high.  When she asked, "What you do?"  I told her I shot some speed.  She said, "Dey kill you for dat!"   Once again, "I saw an angel become the devil."  I went from having sex with a hot little Asian cutie in the real world to having the Chinese mafia after me in the parallel universe.  I certainly got 2013 off to a good start.  Two weeks later, I tried to kill myself.

God is great.  I have to write that.  I'm so grateful to be alive.   Even if I would have been heading somewhere good, which I was not, it would have hurt people who love me here. At the time, I thought I was helping them.  I'd like to go to heaven someday, but it can definitely wait!  I have lots to do here. 

I'm so glad I made it out of that.  Perhaps I shouldn't write about those 2 months of hell.  I feel I need to.  I need to tell the whole story.  The United States Government even tried to reduce my body to nothing with a satellite.  I was to once again, "Lay Still!"  I could hear it crushing my skull.  I could feel it pushing my face in.  They kept saying, "Lay still!  Lay still!"  In the end, when the pain got to be too much, I couldn't take it.  In many ways, it was our president who was an angel who became the devil.  Actually, I was the devil.  Now, I'm becoming an angel!

(Later that day.)
Interestingly enough, I just found and article in the paper today saying, "Supervisor targeting massage parlors."  How coincidental?  What did I say?  There is no such thing as a coincidence.  Or, what did Einstein say?  "Coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous."  Seriously.  That man was a genius.   

God is so great.  I feel so good now!  I said God was subtle.  God is anonymous.  I love God.  I will stay with him this time.  I promise.  I'll keep this promise.  I promise!  I broke so many over the years.  I'm sorry.  (I just cried).

Speaking of breaking promises, I was sending Susan info on the BART strike since she works for The Metropolitan Transportation Commission when they have been striking:

While looking through the paper, I found these:

Sorry it's blurry.  I couldn't tell on my phone.

 

(11-9-16) Well, I've heard that the morning star of a prince
Was invoked on a Monday on earth
I found his business card in the mud

Well, I've heard that the devil's walking around
I sold my soul way down in the dirt
But stole it back and forever in debt

And for a moment I don't even care
Until I feel his breath at my neck
And maybe even you can feel it too
He's on a strike and looking at you

Holding onto his words, but baby
I saw an angel become the devil
Still they look pretty good hand in hand
Well baby, I don't need any of them
Heaven nor hell

Well, I've heard that the morning star of a prince
Was invoked on a Monday on earth
I found his business card in the mud

And for a moment I don't even care
Until I feel his breath at my neck
And maybe even you can feel it too
He's on a strike and looking at you

Holding onto his words, but baby
I saw an angel become the devil
Still they look pretty good hand in hand
Well baby, I don't need any of them
Heaven nor hell

Evil came down on earth
And it beholds more than you love
More than you love

Heaven don't fall on earth
What you behold is no longer a word
No longer a word

Well, I've heard that the devil's walking around
I sold my soul way down in the dirt
But stole it back and forever in debt

And for a moment I don't even care
Until I feel his breath at my neck
And maybe even you can feel it too
He's on a strike and looking at you

Holding onto his words, but baby
I saw an angel become the devil
Still they look pretty good hand in hand
Well baby, I don't need any of them
Heaven nor hell